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The thought strikes Bam late at night while Aguero’s curled against his chest, and Bam’s arms wrapped around his shoulders. It strikes him fast, like lightning, and Bam can no longer pretend that sleep is just right there on the horizon. Maybe it was a little weird to think of it too, but now that he thought it wasn’t going away. He looked down at Aguero, who was softly breathing against him, chest rising and falling peacefully. He pressed his lips against the strands of his hair before tucking himself tighter around his beloved.
Aguero looked better, holding something. No, that wasn’t exactly right. Bam tried to get him to embrace him more and hug him as often as he could. Yet there was something that still nagged at him that he wasn’t doing it right. It wasn’t that Aguero needed coddling or that Bam needed it. It was that Aguero needed to be holding something . If anything, Aguero’s arms looked devastatingly unoccupied lately. Bam wasn’t sure if Aguero even knew how empty his arms looked. They could be found folded against his chest, or his hands were absently petting Bam’s hair. He moved his hands when he talked, and his arms were always quick to block or embrace. Yet, no matter how often or how much Bam tried to invade Aguero’s space, his arms still looked empty. It brought some longing in Bam’s chest. Like he knew why his arms were bare, and there was nothing Bam could do about it.
“Bam,” Aguero murmured. Bam felt a sheepish blush rise against his cheeks. Aguero could think just as loud as possible, but he was the one thinking louder this time. Aguero slowly opened his eyes and looked at Bam curiously without judgment. “You’re doing it again.”
“I think I figured it out.” The confusion that Aguero greeted him with wasn’t surprising. Bam wasn’t sure if he could begin to describe what he was thinking. “You look...lonely. Lately.”
Aguero let out a short breath, and Bam could tell that he was thinking those words over. They both knew that it was a horrible description, but it was the only one that Bam could reach. “I’m not lonely, Bam. I have you, and that’s enough.”
For some reason, Bam’s heart ached, he felt as though he shouldn’t be the only one that was enough. He wanted Aguero to love someone just as deep as he loved Bam. It was puzzling. He didn’t want him to go with any of the girls, and the guys made Bam’s skin crawl. No, he didn’t want him to be with anyone else. It wasn’t insecurity; he was very proud to be by Aguero’s side. He was grateful that he was chosen for that. He was glad that Aguero loved him as much as Bam loved him.
Yet that ache still didn’t leave, and Bam was confident that he was missing something here.
“I wonder how Miseng is doing,” Aguero spoke softly, and just like that, all of the pieces fell together into a single snap.
Miseng was a child a long time ago. A little girl that Bam had been hesitant to hold, but even more reluctant to let go. She was a powerful young woman now. She was still so soft and sweet, snacks ready in her backpack for anyone she wanted to befriend. The tower took so much from her, but she found a way to get it back just like Bam.
Bam thought of Ran, and the comfortable back and forth between the two Khun’s. He felt the longing intensify in his chest, and Bam figured it out pretty quickly. Aguero never held a child around Bam. No, it was more than that.
He thought of a child of eyes just as blue as Aguero’s. Maybe a shade lighter, Bam was sure that the gold of his eyes would tone down the color a tad. He doubted that the silver-blue hair would win against genetics, so they’d have dark brown like his. He wanted them to be smart. He wanted them to have Aguero’s mind and curiosity. He wanted them to see people for who they are. Aguero was so good at picking Bam up from the floor when everything was overwhelming; he wanted them to do the same. To have gentle hands and hearts, but to be strong enough to see people’s true intentions.
Bam knew that Aguero wouldn’t be happy though with a kid like him, so he tried to think of something that he could pass on besides his hair. His techniques, maybe? No…he let out a soft sigh. No, he didn’t want them to go into a fight. Protecting those who they loved and cared for, yes..but...a war? A fight? It scared him. He didn’t want them to deal with the same type of heartbreak. They would have to, so...maybe-
“Fearless.” Bam murmured. “Adventurous. Kind.”
“What?” Aguero paused, “We’re not talking about Miseng, are we?”
“I…” Bam faltered, realizing that he skipped a few steps. Aguero did ask about Miseng. “Sorry.”
Aguero shifted, and Bam looked over to see that Aguero was propping himself up on his elbows, looking down at Bam. Bam’s eyes flicked to the ceiling and then back again. There was a strain in the conversation that Bam wasn’t sure how to detangle. “Bam,” he said after a moment, “do you like kids?”
He thought of Miseng, Prince, and Ran. He thought of many others who he runs into, and many others that he didn’t know. “I think I do,” he said honestly. “I think I’m good with them.”
Something flicks through Khun’s expression, but Bam wasn’t paying near enough attention to tell what that was. “You were listing something off.”
Bam wasn’t sure how to start talking. He wasn’t sure how to describe Aguero that there was an image in his mind of a little one clinging to his side and how hot it would look. He wasn’t sure if Aguero would even consider it to be aesthetically pleasing. He thought about the joy of learning what rain felt like and splashing in puddles. Bam thought about the exasperation of annoyances and little frustrations. He thought about how Aguero’s family was knife-sharp and bloodstained, yet Aguero was warm. Warm and tender and real. He thought about himself, tucked away in a cave for as long as he could remember until Rachel. A star turned to a golden nightmare that he wasn’t sure if he wanted to destroy or chase.
He wasn’t sure how to tell Aguero that he wanted him to love and love and love and that Bam felt selfish that he was the only one that got to experience that. He wanted Aguero to share it with someone too. Someone who needed it would thrive with it. He wanted Aguero to have something. It was important to Bam that he had it.
Was he afraid of one day disappearing, with no one to remember him? He reflected if this was a new fear of his, that instead of loneliness, it was being forgotten. Maybe, just maybe, Bam wanted someone to love just as much as he loved Khun, and know that two would be together when something inevitably happens.
“I want them to be fearless.” Bam paused, looking up at the ceiling. He could feel Aguero’s gaze rest on him, silent. “I want them to be compassionate.” There was a shift on the bed, and he could feel Aguero curl around him, clearly thinking hard. He could hear those gears turn and turn. It was a cold day when Bam couldn’t listen to him think for thousands of miles an hour.
“They should, at least, have your smile.” Aguero always caught on after a little. Bam felt something curl tight in his chest in happiness that he was understood. “If anything.”
“My smile, your eyes.” Bam agreed wholeheartedly.
There was a long silence. “You know that we’re just speculating, right?” Aguero spoke after a moment. “Biology aside, they’re their person in the end.”
“Why do you say that like it’s a bad thing?” Bam looked over at Aguero, rolling to his side so that he could look at him. “Why would we want them to be anything or anyone else?”
Aguero opened his mouth and then closed it. They both had gone through their lives, where people tried to mold them into objects. Bam was no god, and Aguero was no tool. They fought for that freedom, and it made Bam feel uncomfortable to think that they could have that sort of power over a metaphorical.
“I want them to be happy,” Bam pressed. “And loved. For who they are. Even the bad. Shouldn’t that be every parent’s wish?”
“Yeah.” Aguero murmured weakly. There was a soft silence, and Aguero spoke up again, “Are you thinking of adopting?”
“I was thinking of what I’d wish for when I reached the top. Everyone already has their wishes, and I don’t still have anything I’d wish for really.” Bam shrugged, “Everything that I ever wanted, I can get just from climbing. I have my friends, and being beside you guys is enough.”
“The world in your hands,” Aguero spoke fondly, “and all you wish for a smidgen of stardust.”
“Oh, that’s a good name.”
Aguero immediately cringed, “We are not calling the kid stardust.”
“No, no,” Bam laughed, delighted. “Byeol.”
“The night and the star,” Aguero mused. “That...that fits. What if the kid’s a girl, though?”
“Byeol?” Bam raised an eyebrow.
“Oh. Okay. So this is going to be a unisex name,” Aguero huffed a laugh. “So that’s what you’re going to waste your one wish on? Someone that looks like you and me?”
“A family is nice,” Bam murmured, “we’re all a family. I just want us to be closer. I want you to be happier.”
“Bam, you can’t make me happier than I am.” Aguero was fond. “What about you? Would this make you happy?”
He thought of a person with blue eyes and a sunshine smile, snuggled tight in Aguero’s arms. “Yeah,” he said after a moment, “yeah, this would make me happy.”
“Then, wish away.”