Chapter Text
Geralt had left Kaer Morhen early this spring and headed down the mountain, on his way to Luinek, the closest village to the keep. It was still nearly a day’s ride away and because of that, usually the first place to spend the night after the winter. The people were used to them and not as hostile as other small villages. Bert, the innkeep greeted him friendly.
“Geralt, welcome, a letter for you has arrived,” he said and turned around, presumably to get the letter. Shortly after he returned and put an envelope on the counter. Geralt thanked him and requested a room for the night. He paid for the room and a little extra for holding on to the letter. He recognized Jaskier’s handwriting on the envelope and wondered what he wrote. He knew the letter wouldn’t reach him over the winter and they already planned to meet in Novigrad first thing after the winter.
Immediately Geralt’s thoughts started to spiral. Did he maybe not want to see him again? Did he meet someone else over the winter? Geralt would absolutely understand this. The life of a Witcher just wasn’t for a bard in the long run. He could count himself lucky that Jaskier even gave him part of his life.
Geralt walked up the stairs to his room, the still closed envelope clutched in his shaking hand. It would be fine; he would get over it. Whatever the letter said, he would be able to handle it. When he finally sat on his bed, holding the envelope in both of his hands he nearly didn’t have the power to open it. His heartbeat was much faster than it was supposed to be and his hands got wet with sweat. He was thinking about just throwing it into the fire but that would not do any good, so he opened it with shaking fingers.
“Dear Geralt,
I’m sorry, I couldn’t tell you sooner, but I hope the letter will reach you immediately after you leave Kaer Morhen. We can’t meet in Novigrad, like we had planned.”
Geralt lowered the letter. So, he had been right. Jaskier didn’t want to meet him. With a long sigh he closed his eyes. He should have known, Witchers weren’t meant to fall in love or to be loved back. He should have never let Jaskier close. He didn’t want to read further. With a swift motion he crumbled up the letter and set it on fire with Igni. For a moment the flames licked high, but they died down quickly in his hand. He let the ashes fall to the floor and himself back on the bed.
He should be thankful for the time he had been allowed to spend with Jaskier and he was, he was so incredibly thankful he had been allowed to at least share the path with him for a little while. It was just that he had hoped to keep him longer around. But he would never try to force himself on Jaskier.
Geralt curled up on the bed, not even taking off the armor and waited for sleep to come. It took him a long time to actually fall asleep. He couldn’t remember when he had cried for the last time. Probably shortly after he left Kaer Morhen for the first time as a Witcher, completely alone, not knowing what the world would hold for him. And now he was completely alone once again. Witchers just weren’t made to be loved.
He slept badly and when he woke up early the next morning, he felt as if he hadn’t slept at all. Sleeping in his armor had been a terrible idea and he decided to take it off for now. He went down and was greeted by Bert.
“Damn, Geralt you look like shit,” he exclaimed. It was actually refreshing, having people be painfully honest with him and not be seemingly friendly just out of fear. “Sit down, I get you some food, you didn’t eat anything yesterday, you just vanished, you must be starving.”
Geralt nodded thankfully and walked over to a table, waiting for his food. He had planned to make his way to the east, to Novigrad, and when he thought about it, his stomach twisted painfully. He had been looking forward to seeing Jaskier again after the winter and it was hard to stomach that they wouldn’t see each other. Probably never again. He just hoped, Jaskier was happy, wherever he was now.
It was probably a good idea to move to the south, maybe to Toussaint or wherever the contracts would lead him. He didn’t feel like there was a destination anymore so he would just go on and see what would happen.
The food was good, at least one nice thing. After he finished, he got his things and went to the market to get supplies for the road and then he left. At least he had Roach with him, she would not leave him after all these years.
He already missed hearing the constantly chattering and singing bard next to him, after just a couple of days. At night no one was curled around him. No one was looking after his wounds after his fights.
He had just fought an archgriffin, which had left a deep slash on the back of his calf that needed stiches. In the past he would have lied down while Jaskier’s gentle hands would stitch it together and afterwards he would rub oil all over his back, giving him a massage and relaxing the muscles. Now Geralt tried to get in at least a few stitches, but he could not really see what he was doing. After he was done, he slumped down on his bedroll, exhausted. Again, his eyes were burning and the tears came. His chest felt too tight to properly breath, and he just started sobbing. Thankfully no one was around to see him in this state. He heard Roach coming close and felt her muzzle against his shoulder. He turned around and smiled at her.
“At least you are still with me. You won’t leave me, girl?” Geralt sat up and stroked her head. “I’m so fucking pathetic. We’re not supposed to fall in love. We’re supposed to kill monsters until we get killed by one. Maybe it’s time for me? But then what about you? Who would take care of you?”
Roach pushed him back with her head. He held on to her and pressed his head against her forehead. “Yeah you are right, I’m being stupid, I just need to forget him somehow.”
Of course, he didn’t forget him, even after months of traveling from one end of the continent to another. It was clear that he was lacking attention. His fights got more and more dangerous like this, since he couldn’t focus on his fights as much, he got hurt much more than usual. Angrily he ripped off his armor to look at his new injuries. He had gathered quite a lot of new scars since spring, much more than he would usually have gotten. The gash on his hip was deep and he was losing more blood then he should have been. He needed to mend it quickly or else he would probably pass out and bleed out.
Cursing, he started to stitch it up and pulled the skin back together. It costed him a lot of strength to not pass out while doing this. Only after cutting the thread he allowed himself to close his eyes and fall into the welcoming black.
When he woke again, he felt the dread he had gotten used to over the past months. The feeling of every day being the same shit as the one before. Killing monsters, getting coin and worst of all, being alone while doing so. He even looked forward to the winter, at least in Kaer Morhen he wouldn’t be alone.
Geralt had gotten a contract from King Vizimir of Redania, to look into some deaths around the capital Tretogor. Geralt had determined that it would probably be a higher vampire, hunting in the city. He supposed he would probably be around the nobles surrounding the King, so he went to the banquet the King had invited to one evening. He didn’t think they would attack during the banquet but it would be a good way to find out who it was. As long as there was no attack during the banquet he was planning to just observe.
Geralt kept in the background, enjoyed the good beer and tried to avoid talking to anyone. At least the food was good and until now, no one had tried to talk to him. He nearly spit out his beer, when the music started and he heard Jaskier’s voice. With slow steps he moved further into the corner, so Jaskier wouldn’t see him. Suddenly his heart was pounding, way faster than it should. Geralt’s hands started shaking. He had no idea how to react to Jaskier being there. He hadn’t planned to run into him, had hoped to never see him again. At least not unprepared. But here he was, playing and singing and… flirting. Geralt growled quietly. Of course, he was flirting, he had always been flirting, but it made Geralt furious. He clutched his hand around his tankard, he wanted to storm forward, grab him by the collar and yell at him. How could he do that to him? How dared he treat him like this? How dared he not even telling him to his face, that he didn’t want to see him again.
He clenched his teeth and stared at Jaskier. No, he shouldn’t make a scene here, where everyone would see. Where all those stupid nobles would probably laugh at him for entertaining the mere thought that someone like Jaskier could actually love him. And they would be right, He had been stupid to ever believe it was more than pity, what Jaskier felt for him. He felt like vomiting, as he thought, Jaskier had even taken him to bed probably out of pity. How disgusted must he have been, to touch his body, which was full of scars, the skin, that was much to pale to be human, to see his inhumanly yellow eyes. And Geralt had been so stupid to actually fall in love with him. He leaned back against the pillar he was hiding behind and closed his eyes. No, he would make sure, Jaskier would not see him. He peaked around the pillar again, watching Jaskier playing. It would probably be the last time he ever saw him, so he wanted to burn it into his brain, remember him, smiling and doing what he loved the most, playing music, performing, singing and flirting.
He didn’t manage to find the vampire this evening and he had to admit it was because he was too distracted by Jaskier. He spent all the time there, fighting down the ugly feelings boiling up inside his chest. He watched Jaskier flirting with a lot of people. The most attention he got was from a young blonde woman. Geralt had seen her play the lute and sing as well, so she was another bard. Of course, he had found someone. She was incredibly beautiful, she seemed like a good fit for Jaskier. What else would he expect. They were standing close together, talking and laughing. She had her hand placed on his arm, they were hugging and Geralt was sure, at one point she kissed Jaskier on the cheek. She was probably his new partner. No wonder he preferred he to Geralt. Later he saw them leaving together, holding hands. At least the bard seemed to be happy.
This year he started heading back to Kaer Morhen in mid fall already. The precedent years he had always pushed it back as far as possible, since he did want to spend as much time as possible with Jaskier before they would move to their respective winter quarters.
He managed to arrive before the first snow hit and Vesemir was already there, he spent the most time at the keep. Geralt was greeted by the elder Witcher at the gate.
“Geralt, you are early! Good to see you” Did you have a nice summer? How is Jaskier?” The question about Jaskier hit him right in the guts. He didn’t want to get emotional in front of Vesemir but he couldn’t stop himself. He felt all the strength leave his body and he stumbled forwards, into Vesemir’s arms, who caught him and seemed really confused.
“He dumped me, Vesemir. Jaskier dumped me,” Geralt said, embarrassed by the sob in his voice. Vesemir wrapped his arms around Geralt.
“Shit, come in! Bring Roach to the stable, I’ll make you some food and then we’ll talk. You are the first to arrive,” he said as he patted Geralt’s back. Geralt sniffled and let go of Vesemir, he looked to the ground, hoping he could hide his tears, but he knew, Vesemir saw them.
Vesemir had given him a bowl of fresh stew he had been cooking and sat him down in the kitchen, making him eat. Geralt was thankful for a warm meal after riding up the mountains in the cold.
He told Vesemir about the letter he got last spring and how Jaskier had told him he didn’t want to meet him and that he burned the letter in the end. Told him how he fought over the year with himself trying to come to grips with having lost Jaskier. He told him how he had seen Jaskier at the banquet and how he had wanted to yell at him. Vesemir nodded.
“I understand that feeling, and to be honest, he deserves it. He could have at least have talked to you in person. But it was a good thing that you didn’t confront him there, it would have been stuff for a lot of gossip.”
Geralt agreed, it would have been a mistake.