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The war had taken its toll on Ashe. He wasn’t the same bright-faced archer he used to be before Edelgard declared war on the Church of Seiros. War had hardened him; destroyed his optimism. He’d become nihilistic and only did what he had to do to survive.
Ashe had at one time considered joining the Imperial Army. He figured maybe they were onto something. Maybe the church was as bad as they made it seem. Ashe thought back to his days spent with Lord Lonato and Christophe. Those days had all but withered away into his distant memory by now, flickering in his mind like a spark he couldn’t light. He wanted to be hopeful; to think that he was fighting for the right cause and that everything would be okay if he just held on a little bit longer. It was getting harder with each passing day.
“Ashe.” a voice called out from behind Ashe. He was at the cathedral, staring off into the distance from one of the outside areas. Sometimes he stared and wished he could just run away.
“Hey, you okay?” the voice said again, this time right beside Ashe. It was Sylvain.
“Oh. Yeah, I’m okay.” Ashe lied. He was good at that. Lying felt like the best option when it came to Sylvain. He wanted to avoid another lecture on how he just needed to go into town and sleep with some random girl.
I’m not saying it’ll make you feel better but hey, it’ll make you feel something.
“You seem kind of… spacey. What’s going on in that head of yours?” Sylvain pried. He was a bit of a strange guy, but he was a good friend. He cared about those he was close to, almost to a fault. Ashe felt bad for him. After learning Felix had joined the Imperial Army, Sylvain seemed almost overtaken with anger but played it off like it was nothing. Ashe could tell he was hurting, too. They had that in common.
Ashe shrugged, “I’m just thinking.”
“About what?”
What wasn’t Ashe thinking about.
“I don’t know.”
Sylvain gazed at Ashe in silence for a few moments. He wanted to help, but he was never very good at comforting people.
“Well… if you want to talk.” he said, his voice becoming softer.
Hearing Sylvain sound so sincere, so concerned, made Ashe well up with emotions. He wanted so badly to not have to feel. His problem was that he felt too much.
“How do you deal with it?” Ashe said, still staring off into space. Sylvain cocked his head.
“With what?”
“Everything. Like, with all the killing and… everything. You seem so calm and collected, even in battle. I don’t understand how you can be so strong when everything is just… crumbling around you. Half of the time, I don’t even want to get out of bed. How are you so resilient?” Ashe felt like he’d said a lot more than he needed to.
Sylvain sighed and rested a hand on Ashe’s shoulder, “I’m flattered you think that way about me, but the truth is… It’s hard for me too. I lost my best friend to the Empire…” his voice faded to a whisper, “and I feel like I’ve lost His Highness as well. Sometimes I feel like I don’t even understand Ingrid anymore. I’ve felt like an outsider in my own home.”
Ashe took a deep breath. He never thought about it that way before. Now not only did he feel bad for himself, but he felt devastated for Sylvain.
“You don’t deserve this.” Ashe said.
Sylvain tensed, “Neither do you, Ashe. None of us do, but this is war. It’s not about us. This is about fighting for the future, so our kids or friends’ kids or whatever can have a safe and secure future,” he paused and let out a chuckle, “I’ve already given up on myself.”
The next moment felt like an eternity. Ashe felt so angry. How could Sylvain just give up? It’s not like he was going to die. He was still so young and deserved to have a good future after the war. Ashe felt like if anyone deserved to live happily, it was Sylvain.
“That doesn’t mean you should give up on you. You’re a bright guy. You’re very smart, and strong. I’ve always admired that about you.” Sylvain laughed, but it sounded forced. Ashe glanced over at him, hoping to be able to read him. Usually, it was impossible but today, Sylvain was an open book.
“You admire me? I’m nothing special.” Ashe held his hands. He had a habit of fidgeting when he was nervous, though he wasn’t quite sure why he was getting so worked up all of a sudden, “You shouldn’t give up on yourself, Sylvain. You deserve better. You’re smart and strong, too. So much more so than I am.”
“I don’t thi-” Sylvain started, but Ashe cut him off.
“No, just… Listen to me. I know you have a complex because of your past, but I’m telling you that you’re so much more than that. You’re not your crest, and you’re not your father or brother. I… sometimes, I think I’m fighting for no reason and that if I left, it wouldn’t make a difference; but now I realize that I want to… I want to stay, and to fight for you. To fight with you.”
Ashe’s words were becoming shaky. He was facing Sylvain now, the taller redhead looking like he was about to start crying.
“Ashe…” he tried to speak. Words were hard.
“Maybe… individually, we don’t think we deserve to be happy. But I think you do, and you think I do, right?”
Sylvain managed to form a smile, “Yeah. I do think you deserve to be happy. I always have, actually…” he shifted his gaze to his feet. It was unlike him to feel so emotionally vulnerable. He hated it, but with Ashe… it was okay.
“I have too. About you. I’m sorry I’m so-”
“No, please don’t apologize. It is hard. I understand why you feel so hopeless. I’m here for you, Ashe. You’re… you’re really important to me. You always have been.” Sylvain brought himself to face Ashe once again. He felt like right now was probably a good time.
“Ashe, I actually… want to tell you something.”
Ashe’s nerves felt like they were all bundled up in the pit of his stomach. What could Sylvain possibly want to tell him? Ashe had always had a small crush on Sylvain since they first met at the Officer’s Academy. Part of him was hopeful that maybe Sylvain felt the same way. Life would certainly feel a lot easier if he had Sylvain to be with, and to talk to.
“Oh? What is it?” Ashe tried not to sound too excited, but he couldn’t help it. He could feel the blush burning on his cheeks. Sylvain had noticed, and gave a small chuckle.
“I really… I think you’re a wonderful person, Ashe. I have always felt comfortable talking to you, and being around you. A feeling I haven’t found with anyone else.”
Ashe felt like Sylvain’s eyes were piercing straight through his body. He wanted to grab him, to hold him close. He felt like he was being pulled apart by his emotions; every feeling pouring out of him like a waterfall.
“Ashe, I love you.” Sylvain said. It was low, and hurried. He seemed almost surprised by his own confession, as if he didn’t mean to say love.
“L-love me?” Ashe stuttered. He certainly wasn’t expecting that.
Sylvain gulped and took a deep breath, “Yes. I think… I love you. No one has ever made me feel the way you make me feel. You’re special to me. I want to protect you, and I want to fight side by side with you. I want to fight to have a future with you, Ashe.”
He couldn’t help it anymore. Ashe took a step forward, grabbing Sylvain’s face and pulling him forward for a kiss. It felt like forever. Ashe wished it could be forever. He pulled away and stood there on his tippy toes as Sylvain put his arms around his waist.
“Well, maybe I love you, too.” he said. Sylvain smiled and kissed him this time. It was gentler, sweeter.
Ashe felt like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. He felt as if suddenly, everything had a reason. He was here because Sylvain was here. It was as if the Goddess brought them together and they were meant to be. He imagined the Goddess playing matchmaker and felt silly for a moment but when he looked at Sylvain, he didn’t think it could be that farfetched.
War was difficult. They’d lost many friends and allies. The future wasn’t even guaranteed; but Ashe felt that as long as he had Sylvain, he had a future. They could be together, and they would be happy.