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Andrew has learned to keep his distance from other people. All his life, others have shunned him, feared him, hated him, all for his appearance.
A monster, they would call him. Cursed, heinous monster.
His mother always told him that it wasn’t true, that they were wrong, but when it was one person’s word against so many others’, it was hard to believe in. He still appreciated it and found comfort in his mother’s love towards him, even if he felt undeserving of it. Surely her life would have been so much easier if she didn’t care for him, but she never complained. Never expressed any desire for a different life, a life without a monster of a son. She only wished that the others wouldn’t treat him so badly.
Andrew isn’t sure where the line between good and bad goes, but she was one of the good people. Of that, he is sure.
When he gets the invitation letter to the Oletus manor, he feels warm and hopeful but once he arrives at the manor itself, he becomes anxious and slightly scared. He didn’t expect there to be so many people. He didn’t expect that he couldn’t leave the place. He didn’t expect the hunting games.
But it’s okay, he tells himself. He’ll just stay away from the others. Maybe they won’t call him a monster when there are actual monsters out there, hunting them. Maybe he’s not a monster after all.
But all it takes is one comment from the lawyer for Andrew’s hopes to come crashing down.
“What the hell is up with you? You look so pale, it’s creepy!”
He snaps back at him at that, bristling and rising all his defences but inside he feels how dread takes a hold of him. He doesn’t know what he expected, that others wouldn’t think of him as creepy when they catch a sight of him. Of course they would. They always did. It’s the same everywhere. Maybe he really is a monster.
When a new survivor arrives among them, he’s not really interested – just another person he’s going to avoid, so that they couldn’t judge him. But then he hears whispers that the new survivor is just a young girl. A blind one. Helena Adams is her name.
A blind person could be different. A blind person couldn’t judge him for his looks. It awakens his interest.
It’s on the day after Helena arrived at the manor that Andrew decides to seek her out. He’s nervous, his heart beating anxiously in his chest when he spots her alone in one of the corridors. He stops in his steps, trying to buy some time and gather his thoughts before going to her, but she’s already heard him coming and turns towards him.
“Ah, hello. Whoever might you be?” she asks, and her voice is soft and clear. She has a cane in her hands and her eyes, he notes, despite looking in his direction, don’t seem to really look at him. It eases a bit of his anxieties.
He clears his throat and takes a step closer. “I’m Andrew. Andrew Kreiss.”
“Oh, hello Kreiss. I don’t believe we’ve met yet? I’m Helena Adams, nice to meet you,” she smiles and starts walking towards him, stopping a couple of feet away from him. She’s small and seems quite fragile, he can’t help but notice. He swallows.
“Adams… Is it true that you… cannot see?” Andrew asks, clutching his shovel to his chest with a vice grip.
The small smile stays on Helena’s lips. “Yes, it’s true. I lost my sight when I was but a child.”
Andrew exhales a small, shaking breath and loosens his grip on his shovel. He ought to feel bad, he thinks, but honestly, he feels only relief upon her confirmation; if she cannot see, she cannot know what he looks like. She cannot judge him for his sickly pale appearance.
She cannot tell that he’s a white-haired monster.
“But do not worry about me, Kreiss. I can take care of myself and find my way around perfectly fine with the help of my cane,” Helena assures him, misunderstanding his reasons for asking. At this he feels a slight pang in his chest.
Andrew nods at her before realizing his mistake and opens his mouth. “That’s… good.” He thinks perhaps he should say more. He thinks he should keep the conversation going so he wouldn’t seem so rude, just asking if she can’t see and leave it at that, but he’s not sure how to. He stays there fidgeting, too awkward to leave and too awkward to try engage in further conversation.
But to his relief, Helena opens her mouth again. “Though, I might ask you to come and help me during the matches if I accidentally get caught. I heard from Emma that you’re very reliable when it comes to rescuing others.”
Andrew is taken by surprise at her words. He hasn’t been very sociable with the other residents of the manor, he knows this, and he didn’t think that anyone would have anything especially good to say about him. If anything, he expected the usual rumors to have taken root, not words of… approval of any sort. He doesn’t know how to react to it.
“I… Yes, I– I’ll do my best,” he finally answers warily. Helena smiles at him, but he’s still not really feeling completely at ease. “...Though please try not to get caught.”
A light chuckle. “Yes, I’ll do my best. Thank you for worrying, Kreiss.”
He didn’t say that to express worry for her, but he knows better than to correct her. Andrew can’t bring himself to fully relax around her, around anyone really, but he’s not as anxious either, now knowing her lack of sight. She doesn’t seem like a bad person either, though he’s still not quite sure how to judge that. But she’s at least nicer than most people in his life have been. For him, it’s enough. He knows not to ask for too much.
They part ways afterwards and Andrew doesn’t expect them to interact much after that. He has no plans to engage further, and most of the people in the manor have already learned to keep their distance from him too, so his life here isn’t really that different, in the social aspect at least.
But to his surprise, Helena doesn’t seem to have gotten the memo to keep away from him. She greets him whenever they cross paths and often even stays to talk. Andrew is still nervous and slightly on guard around her, but he also doesn’t dare to just ignore her, so he stays whenever Helena stops him for a chat. He’s sure he’s not an interesting conversationalist, not saying much and sometimes even (unintentionally) snapping at her. It makes him confused why Helena still keeps coming to his side for brief conversations. He asks, one time.
“I think you’re a nice person, Kreiss. And you seem like you could use a friend,” she answers, smiling. Andrew thinks he could be offended by her assumption, but she sounds so sincere in her words that he can’t bring himself to be upset. And it’s true anyway.
Slowly, with time, Andrew starts to relax around her. His answers become longer, he stops looking for the first excuse he can find to escape from their conversations, and although she can’t see it, he starts softly smiling whenever he sees Helena.
It’s nice, he thinks as the two of them sit in the garden, to have a… friend. He hasn’t had any friends before so he’s not completely sure if what they have could be called friendship by the usual standards, but he thinks they are friends. Helena called them friends and he’s learning to trust her.
It’s after one match where Andrew ran back to save Helena, to body block her so she could escape, so they both could escape, that she calls him by his given name the first time. They’re out of the exit gate and out of breath, adrenaline levels still high from the match and Helena leans on her cane for support. She’s still hurt, they both are, and Andrew starts to anxiously hover over her.
During the matches it’s easy to forget his reluctance to touch others, fix and heal them up to the best of his abilities, but as soon as they leave from the match grounds his anxiety about physical contact returns. He’s not sure if his touch is welcomed here, where there are so many other ( better ) options for whom to go for a patch up.
“Thank you, Andrew,” Helena huffs out, tired and grateful, and it makes Andrew freeze. A pleasant warmth spreads through him, and maybe it makes him a bit pathetic, to feel so strongly only because she called him by his first name, but he’s happy. Confused too, but happy. Excited, even.
“You’re welcome…” he mutters back, and before he can overthink too much he adds a soft “Helena” at the end, blushing to the tips of his ears. Helena smiles at him so brightly in return that Andrew thinks he really doesn’t need the sun in his life if he can just stay close to her.
They keep spending more and more time together and thanks to Helena’s gentle insistence, Andrew slowly gets to know the other residents of the manor as well. He’s still anxious, still doesn’t fully trust the others to not judge him, but there are a few people with whom he feels slightly more at ease.
There’s Victor, and while at first Andrew thought it awkward that the other man wouldn’t really speak, he now thinks the silence between them is comfortable. Comforting.
(Even if Victor thought ill of his looks, he wouldn’t at least say it out loud. Although Andrew, even to his own surprise, is sceptical about that.)
Victor is gentle, and he listens to Andrew with a smile on his face. Victor’s dog, Wick, is also very friendly and Andrew has gotten to pet him a few times. He’s always happy when he sees Wick during the matches, a letter in his mouth and tail wagging as he runs to deliver whatever Victor has decided to send him.
Then there’s also Luca who is almost an opposite to Victor. He speaks a lot, and a lot of it goes over Andrew’s head, but it’s still… nice. He can let Luca do most of the talking, only nodding and softly humming when he thinks Luca wants confirmations that he’s listening. Sometimes he asks timid questions about Luca’s projects, about his interests, and the way Luca’s eyes lit up as he starts to explain whatever the topic is brings a small smile on Andrew’s lips, even if he doesn’t really understand what Luca’s saying.
There are others too but Andrew knows his favorite ones already. It’s new and exciting to have other people to spend time with, but it’s also tiring. There are days when he feels so drained that he only emerges from his room to eat, going immediately back after finishing his food. But it’s okay. It’s still a huge improvement from his former life.
Andrew and Helena are together in his room, leisurely spending time together after dinner when Helena opens her mouth.
“May I see what you look like, Andrew?” she asks softly, a gentle smile on her lips, and Andrew feels like his heart jumps in his throat.
“What do you mean?” he asks back.
“I’d like to see how you look. Of course I can’t do it the ‘normal’ way, as I’m sure you’re aware of, so I’d like your permission for that. I’d just feel around your face to get a sense of your features, if you’re comfortable with that.”
He wants to refuse. Logically he knows that she’s his friend, she doesn’t think of him as a monster, she wouldn’t think of him as a monster, but deep down a dark whisper he can’t quite silence tells him that it’s all just because she can’t see him. She doesn’t know what he’s like. She’s going to leave him, shun him if she finds out.
He wants to refuse, but he doesn’t. He knows he could, she wouldn’t mind, but he doesn’t. He draws a shaky breath and voices his agreement. Helena’s smile grows, delighted, and it’s beautiful, and Andrew thinks that even if it all goes downhill, it was all worth it just to see her so happy because of him.
“Can you come sit next to me?” she asks, and Andrew moves, hesitating a little before carefully settling down next to her on his bed. Helena keeps smiling and raises her hands.
“I’m going to touch you now. Say if it’s too much, okay?”
“Okay,” he breathes out quietly and watches as her hands slowly come closer.
She cups his face with her hands and Andrew jumps slightly, swallowing nervously upon the first contact. Her hands are warm and soft and Andrew feels conflicted, wanting to lean into the comforting touch, touch that in the back of his head reminds him of his mother when she used to comfort him when he was a child, but at the same time feeling the urge to flinch away, get away so she cannot tell what a monster he is. He doesn’t know what to do, so he does nothing and stays frozen under Helena’s curious touch. He is scared, nervous, a bit happy too, and his heart stammers unreasonably fast in his chest, but he keeps still.
Helena starts slowly moving her hands, gently mapping his face with her fingers, humming softly as she feels around Andrew’s features. Her touch is featherly light and innocent even as she brushes her fingers over his lips, wanting to know their shape before gingerly continuing on. It tickles a bit when her fingers brush against his eyelashes and Andrew tries to keep still, but she still notices him twitching and whispers out a soft apology.
Helena takes her time to get to know his face, going over the places she has already felt before, and Andrew stays put throughout all this. She lingers a bit on his left cheek, paying extra attention to study the scar marring his face, but doesn’t ask about it. He is still nervous, fearing that Helena too can now tell what an awful monster he is, but he can’t bring himself to move away. He is afraid, but even more than that he trusts her.
(If she thought of him as a monster, she would have kept her distance. She would have flinched away at the first touch of him. But she didn’t, she’s still here, and Andrew can’t even form words to describe how much that means to him.)
Then after a moment that felt too long and too short at the same time, Helena starts to pull away from him. Without thinking about it, Andrew reaches out to grab her hand before she can let go of his cheek, and she makes a noise of surprise. Realizing what he did, heat flows through Andrew’s face and he starts to pull his hand back.
“S-sorry, I–!” But before he can retreat or finish his sentence, Helena puts her other hand back on Andrew’s.
“It’s okay. Another person’s touch is comforting, isn’t it?” she says sweetly, and begins to rub soothing circles on his cheek with her thumb. Andrew stops and relaxes a bit.
“....Yes.” He’s sure she can tell that he’s blushing and he’s thankful she doesn’t mention it.
“I find your face fascinating,” Helena starts to speak softly. "You have such nice and soft skin. Your features, like your nose, are long and sharp – they’re easy to follow. But they also have this gentle feel to them. It’s the same as your steps, really. The scar you have contrasts that gentleness a bit, and I’d be interested in hearing the story behind that one, if you’d like to tell me some day.”
Andrew listens to her quietly, each new word surprising him and he feels choked up, drowning in these new sudden emotions. It’s the first time someone has ever told him anything like that about his looks and sounded genuine about it. Helena, Luca and Victor are all nice, but he’s still not used to being complimented like this, and he doesn’t know how to react, how to process this. He opens his mouth, about to– he’s not even sure what he’s about to do, but Helena’s not finished yet.
“I think you’re very beautiful, Andrew.” Andrew’s breath hitches.
The smile she directs at him after her last words is so sincere and heartfelt that Andrew can’t help the tears that start to gather in his eyes. It’s a new reaction, his usual responses being more sceptical and bitter, and he’s sure he’s just as surprised by it as Helena is when one tear escapes from the corner of his eye and meets the gentle hand tenderly cradling his cheek.
“Oh, Andrew, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to–” Helena gasps softly and starts to apologize but Andrew cuts her short.
“No, Helena, it’s– it’s fine. You didn’t do anything wrong,” he assures her but the worried frown doesn’t go away with his words like he had hoped. Still a bit hesitant, Andrew carefully tugs at her hand to guide it to the corner of his lips so that she could feel for sure how they are lifted into a small, grateful smile.
“Thank you,” he says quietly, the smile staying on his lips. Helena opens her mouth a bit in surprise but then mirrors the soft expression on Andrew’s face. He knows she can’t really look at him, not in the way others can, but he feels like she really sees him in a way that matters.
“Anytime.”
Maybe others would think nothing of getting a blind person’s compliment on their looks, but Andrew thinks hers is the best he could ever get.