Work Text:
“Why on earth is the Pillsbury Doughboy screaming at eight o’clock in the AM?” Gina asked, sauntering in with coffee and muffin in hand.
“This is a human baby, Gina.” Amy steadfastly ignored Gina, until there was a loud crash and the baby almost jolted off Amy’s lap.
Just then, Jake stumbled into the bullpen clutching his leg, Charles struggling to keep up while holding what is clearly a child’s skateboard.
Jake hopped closer on one foot. “Amy! You didn’t tell me you got knocked up. Wait, that baby does not look like Teddy at all. The intrigue!”
He bent down and stared at the baby, who whacked him on the head with one tiny fist. “Wait, it doesn’t look like you either. Amy Santiago, did you steal a baby?”
“No! The Captain and Sarge are doing trial prep with the mother. She's a witness in that jewelry heist case from way back. And since it’s paperwork day, and we don’t have an case, I figured...”
“Did Holt ask you to watch the baby?”
“Yeah.”
Jake raised his arms in mock surrender before Amy could say anything, and took a step back for good measure, almost tripping over Charles in the process. Charles was crouched down on the grimy precinct floor making intense eye contact with the baby. “Here, let me hold him. I’m very good with kids.” He got to his feet and almost tripped on thin air.
Amy snatched the baby away.
Jake sniggered and patted Charles on the back. “Me, I want to hold it.”
“Him, Jake.”
“Huh?”
“The baby. It’s a person.”
“Duh, I know that.”
Amy reluctantly passed the baby to Jake, who swung him overhead in a high arc. “Hey, why does it have a picture of weed on its baby outfit?”
“Jake! That’s a maple leaf. I think it’s a Canadian baby.”
“Oooh, does that mean the baby smells like maple syrup?”
Amy shifted closer. “It smells like baby powder.”
Jake leaned in, his face inches from both the baby and Amy’s face. His eyes lit up in pure joy. “Oooooh it does. Rosa, smell.” Swinging around, he thrust the giggling baby at Rosa, who had just walked up.
Rosa visibly recoiled. “No, I don’t wanna smell that thing.”
Jake gasped, mock-appalled, and then made as though to drop the baby, and Rosa grabbed the baby from him, grumbling.
“Who’s. A. Good. Boy.” She got through a tight-lipped smile, bouncing him lightly. The baby gurgled happily, then proceeded to hurl the contents of his stomach all over her jacket. “Nooooo, my formal leather jacket!”
She thrust the baby back at Amy and stalked off in the direction of the restroom.
“Why do you even have your formal leather jacket on, it’s paperwork day.” Jake called after her when she was a safe distance away.
“You don’t know what I’m doing after work.”
“Apparently cleaning up baby throw-up.” Jake mumbled.
“Guys, guys!” Amy waved the vomit-splattered baby like a white flag. “What about the baby? We don’t have extra baby clothes.”
Gina, who had retreated to her desk once she realized she couldn’t compete with a baby, pushed her way back in.
“I want you all to remember how I saved you from this horrible disaster someday when you have to choose between saving me and a busload of civilians in some type of superhero dilemma scenario.”
“What?”
Gina held out a Floorgasm onesie.
Everyone stared at Gina. “You’re really, out of your own volition, giving something you own to the baby?”
“Well Floorgasm sucks and is awful, so yes, the overstuffed Build-A-Bear can have it. I hope they’ll be very happy together.”
---
When the Captain and Sarge emerge from the conference room with the baby’s mother two hours later, the baby is sleeping comfortably in Amy’s lap.
“Good work, Santiago.”