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Seeing the Red Hood without his helmet was a rarity. It usually meant that he had gone into such a serious situation that his helmet had obtained enough damage to break. The Red Hood without his helmet was usually tense and on edge after a stressful situation. Usually, for this situation was highly unusual.
Batman was already on high alert when the Red Hood rode into the Batcave on a beat up motorbike. The cave, full of vigilantes in various state of dress gearing up for the night’s patrol went quiet as he stepped off of the small bike and let it careen into the wall with a crash. His hair was windblown, helmet clutched in his fist in defiance of safety laws.
“ Which fuckin’ one of you pieces of shit fucked with my helmet? ” Jason roared, holding it aloft like it was a severed head. That was to say, distastefully, and as far away from himself as possible.
Bruce’s hackles went up. This was clearly a life or death situation. This was not going to end well.
Dick relaxed. It wasn’t a life or death situation. Everything would be fine! He grinned easily and sashayed over from the computer. “What’s going on Little Wing?”
Jason ducked under his outstretched arm and swatted him away with a sour glare. “Don’t you fuckin’ little wing me, Dickface, did you do this shit?” He shoved the helmet into Dick’s chest.
Dick leaned with the blow, exhaling as he swayed backward to absorb the impact of it. He glanced down and turned the helmet over in his hands. “It looks fine to me. Is there something wrong with it?”
He couldn’t see Jason’s glare through the opaque lenses of his domino mask but he knew that if he could, they’d be a lurid green, glowing slightly with his anger.
“Cool, obviously not.” Dick examined it more closely. Nothing was out of place on the polished red metal or the treated plexiglass that covered his face. The interior looked fine too, all of the cushioned pads in place over the armored structure, all wires neatly tucked away.
Jason was still glaring at him with an air of expectancy. His fists were clenched at his sides.
Dick hesitantly put the helmet on, pulling it down and touching the pressure buttons on the underside to seal it to his head and face. It closed tightly with a pneumatic hiss of air. The HUD clicked on in front of his face, showing him Jason exactly as he was but with a red tint. White displays and lines were flicking across his vision and he scanned the text displays automatically. Nothing was out of place.
“Everything seems n-” as soon as he spoke, it became horrifyingly, hilariously obvious. The vocal modulator had been replaced with something tinny and warbly that buzzed with each sound. The sound was so unexpected and out of place that it was hysterical even in the face of Jason’s wrath.
Dick couldn’t even finish his sentence before he was bursting out into laughter. The laughter buzzed and fritzed and squeaked out of the helmet, making him laugh harder. Faintly, he could also hear the rest of his siblings beginning to fall into similar hysterics. Knowing that they also found this stupidly funny made the whole thing funnier to Dick and soon he was wheezing with laughter and crying into the helmet, on his hands and knees on the floor.
Jason shoved him for his troubles, pushing him onto his side so at least he could clutch his aching stomach with both hands to try and relieve the burn of his laughter. The helmet was still spouting crackling hums and warbling squeaks as he cackled with mirth, right up until Jason yanked it back off of his head.
Jason glared down at him, free hand on hip. “I fucking hate you all.” He hissed.
Dick giggled hysterically and rolled slightly to look at his siblings. Duke was laying facedown on the desk he was sitting at, beating the surface with one hand as he snorted and laughed. Stephanie and Damian were in a wiggling pile, Stephanie shrieking with laughter and grabbing at Damian, Damian trying ineffectively to bat her away as he tried to compose himself and smother his giggles. Cass was sitting against the wall, clutching her stomach as she giggled silently. Tim was a heap on the floor near Duke’s chair as he cackled wildly. Oracle’s communication link was clicked off which meant that Barbara was also in hysterics on the other side of the line.
Bruce was the only one standing silent besides Jason but there was a treacherous twitch at his lip that Jason narrowed his eyes at.
Bruce coughed pointedly, clearing his throat. “I don’t believe any of us are responsible.”
“Bullshit!” Jason snarled. “At least three of these nimrods are capable of doing it and had access to my helmet yesterday!”
Bruce inclined his head slightly to cede his point. “None of them are displaying their typical tells or have prepared for any sort of retaliation.”
Jason dropped his gaze and pursed his lips in thought. After a moment his head snapped up and his lips curled in fury. He turned on his heel and marched back towards his bike as he seethed. “I’m going to shove every arrow in storage up his skinny little ass!” He yelled.
The laughter ringing through the cave picked up again.
“Stop, stop!” Stephanie pleaded, slapping at Damian’s shoulder to emphasize her point. “I’m gonna pee!”
Duke wheezed hard enough to choke and began coughing. He shoved back from the desk and promptly tipped his chair over when the wheels hit Tim’s collapsed form behind him. Damian’s cackle at their misfortune rang out sharply and Dick’s blended with it as Jason peeled furiously out of the cave.
With no one paying attention to him, Bruce snickered softly, covering his mouth with one hand to hide it.
Alfred stepped out of the elevator and looked around, brows quirked with confused amusement. He stepped gingerly over the Damian-and-Steph pile in the middle of the floor and gave the Duke-and-Tim-and-chair pile a wide berth. “Master Wayne?” He inclined his head slightly in question.
Bruce couldn’t answer through his soft laughter.
The computer speakers crackled. “I’ll send you the video!” Barbara wheezed over the connection. “Roy replaced Jason’s helmet vomod with a kazoo!”
Her excellent summation and shriek of laughter incited a whole new round of laughter through the cave.