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The walk down the hallway was too long for Hakoda's liking, as the closer he got the louder the sobs became. He learned his lesson from startling Zuko with sudden movements earlier, so he wasn't about to sprint down the hallway with loud footsteps. Finally at the door, he can hear a distinct pattern in Zuko's breathing. He sobs a few times, gasps, and it's quiet for a beat before it starts again. He knocks softly and it causes a hiccup in the breathing behind the door but gives no response. He knocks one more time and when that doesn't even get a pause in the breathing he slowly creaks the door open. Curled tightly in the middle of the bed is Zuko with his head tucked into his legs and his hands over his neck protectively.
"Zuko," He asks quietly and moves forward slowly. Zuko has unfurled but he still doesn't want to take the risk.
"...no...gone for so long...would she have...." Hakoda can make out a few snippets but nothing else of whatever Zuko's mumbling about. He's helped Katara through her night terrors after Kya died and Sokka with his panic attacks about the men leaving for the war but nothing like this. Hakoda can't even tell if Zuko knows he's in the room and that makes Hakoda even more worried and on edge.
"Zuko, I can't hear what you're saying..." Hakoda slowly sits on the bed and it gets Zuko to remove his hands from his neck at the very least. That still isn't enough for Hakoda, however, and now that he's closer her can see Zuko flinching at his own breaths. "Can you look up?" He asks softly, wanting to get Zuko to take a full breath but his eyes just go even wider and he starts shaking his head violently.
"I can't, I don't know why I can't," Zuko cries and Hakoda's heart shatters and how small his voice is. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," he cries again and Hakoda has to take a deep breath to keep himself from crying. The world was cruel, he knew that, but it shouldn't be this cruel to a boy this young. After a few steadying breaths, he opens his eyes again to see Zuko looking at him from the side of his eye with a glassy stare. If the remarks Zuko's made didn't clue him in already he's positive now that the boy isn't fully aware right now.
"Father never did that," Zuko says quietly and Hakoda's heart drops. Did Zuko think he was Ozai? "I need to do it because I'm weak, everyone can already do it but I can't," he doesn't seem to be aware he's talking, or at the very least his isn't making much sense, but Hakoda and piece the picture together. Breath was a big thing for firebenders and if Zuko had to steady it he was deemed bad. Hakoda didn't think he needed another reason to hate the Fire Lord but this day has given him much more...personal reasons.
"You're not weak, Zuko," Hakoda reassures and his heart clenches when Zuko looks so genuinely confused at the statement.
"...Uncle?" Zuko asks quietly, unfurling ever so slightly and Hakoda gives him what he hopes is a soft smile but is probably closer to a grimace.
"It's Hakoda, Zuko," he reminds the boy quietly and cringes when Zuko's eyes go back to the same fear he found the boy with.
"I'm sorry, you can leave I'll be quiet I'm sorry," Zuko's hands snap back up to his face and he starts crying again, "I didn't mean to bother you it won't happen again I'm so sorry," Zuko rambles and with each word his breath gets faster and faster, coughing out small sparks that illuminated his face. He curled back in on himself and now the sparks were bouncing off of his knees and thighs into his face and he flinched violently every time. He's crying so violently it sounds like he's choking and Hakoda is so truly terrified that the boy is that he throws his "no sudden movements" rule out the window and moves to grab him. Prying Zuko's hands away from his face his heart sinks at how easy the boy is to manhandle. He was mumbling again and while his right eye was looking around the room rapidly, his left eye was barely moving in the same direction. Hakoda pulls the boy against his chest and scoots up against the wall, leaving Zuko in between his legs with his back against Hakoda's chest. Resting his head on the top of the boy's head and rubbing his hands up and down his arms he's reminded all too bitterly of the times he couldn't do this for Sokka or Katara in the past years. He pushes the thought away in favor of focusing on the boy he can help in front of him.
"Just breath, Zuko, it's okay," he mutters quietly, taking deep breaths in and out. It takes a few minutes and a few more words of encouragement but finally, thank Tui and La, Zuko stops crying and is taking deep breaths in sync with Hakoda. "You're doing great, just breathe," he reminds Zuko quietly now that he can feel the prince coming back to his sense.
"I'm sorry," Zuko says, voice still hoarse and thick from crying and Hakoda shakes his head minutely.
"You have nothing to be sorry for, son," the endearment slips out unintentionally but Hakoda doesn't find himself regretting it, especially when it made Zuko finally relax into his arms. They sit in silence for a while and Hakoda can feel Zuko still copying his breathing so he doesn't stop. He watches Zuko quietly as the boy takes in his surroundings, looking at each corner of the room, the door, and then pushing slightly further into Hakoda's chest. Hakoda feels the affection in his chest swell when he realizes Zuko seems to be at ease with Hakoda to his back. He just can't get over how truly young Zuko is, he looks about Sokka's age, and with the way he carries himself, Hakoda would have assumed the prince was 18, maybe 17. But this past day opened his eyes to the facade Zuko puts on, how he couldn't be even a full year older than Sokka. Only 4 years older than the Avatar, who's not even a teen. It hurts Hakoda's head and heart to think about so he decides nows a better time than ever to ask Zuko what he's been wondering all morning.
"Does this happen a lot?" He asks quietly and instantly Zuko goes stiff so he adds, "There's nothing wrong with that, I'd just like to know," because it's the truth. After today he doubts there's anything he wouldn't do for these kids and helping Zuko with panic attacks isn't an exception.
"Yes," Zuko whispers and it takes all of Hakoda's will to not squeeze the prince in an even tighter hug with how soft his voice is, "but not this...bad. I normally just wait them out." Hakoda doesn't know what to say to that, so he gives a noncommittal hum. On one hand, he doesn't like that Zuko deals with these alone. On the other, he glad that he didn't deal with one this bad alone. On the other other hand, he feels guilty for letting Zuko spiral into one this bad. He should've stopped when he saw where the conversation was going but what's done is done so he focuses on the future.
"Do you have any signs? Like, when this is about to happen, how do you know?" He asks and feels Zuko pause for a moment before shrugging, brushing his hair against Hakoda's chin.
"My vision gets blurry, it's already pretty bad but what's left gets worse," Hakoda assumed that Zuko couldn't see out of the burnt eye but he was hoping the kid was spared blindness on top of trauma, but the world doesn't let him have those small miracles anymore. "And I can't really feel my hands," Zuko adds quietly, and while Hakoda wouldn't think much of that he then remembers Zuko's hands are his first defense as a firebender and how terrifying that must be. Tonight, once he makes sure all of the kids are taken care of, maybe he'll have Chit Sang go into the nearby village and buy whatever the Fire Nation has for alcohol and he'll cry for the childhoods all of them lost to this war; but for now, he runs his hands up and down Zuko's arms and makes a plan.
"When you feel like that, come find me, okay? No matter what I'm doing, come find me and tell me that your vision is blurry. I might not be able to stop what I'm doing immediately, but I can help you," Hakoda turns Zuko slightly and looks the boy in the eyes to make sure he knows he's telling the truth when he says, "You don't have to do this alone, okay son?" The endearment is purposeful this time and feels so right that Hakoda can't help but give a soft smile. Tears well back up in Zuko's eyes and Hakoda just holds him quietly, pressing a hand to the back of Zuko's head and holding him against his chest. Hakoda can't help but draw the similarities between the boy in his arms and his biological son. Tonight, before he drinks with Chit Sang, he'll hug Katara and Sokka, reassure them that he couldn't even fathom raising a hand to them. He hopes they don't have to be reassured about that but he wants to for his own peace of mind.
After Zuko's quiet hiccups subside and Hakoda drifts out of his thoughts he pushes Zuko back slightly to get a good look at him. His shaggy hair is sticking every which way and his good eye looks a little sunken. He's a little shaky and his eye is still puffy and red but he looks much better than when Hakoda found him. "Let's go get some water, you're probably really dehydrated," Hakoda gets off the bed and Zuko doesn't say anything, just quietly follows. Hakoda walks towards the door but notices Zuko turn to the small closet. He opens and there's 3, maybe 4, pieces of clothing in it and Hakoda adds that fact to one of his ever-growing mental lists of problems to fix. He watches Zuko grab a rather plain-looking sweater that's about 2 sizes too big and puts it on, rustling his already wild hair. Zuko turns around, apparently ready to leave, but gives Hakoda a nervous look. Maybe he's nervous if he looks presentable? Hakoda wonders and walks over to help Zuko. Pushing his hair flat and fixing some of the rather unruly tangles. As he's fixing his hair he notices Zuko putting his arm back in the sweater and oh, Zuko thought he was going to tell him to take it off. Hakoda decides he won't make a comment and simply steps back to see if he's fixed the prince's hair. The boy could use a shower but it's as good as it's going to get at the moment and when he sees Zuko's confused look he gives him a big smile and loops an arm over the boy's shoulders, leading him into the kitchen.
Much to his annoyance, Chit Sang is cleaning dishes. He could've sworn the firebender was going to watch the kids, but he puts his annoyance asides to fill a cup with water for Zuko. Behind him, Chit Sang apologizes to Zuko and he can feel Zuko's eyes drilling holes in his head before Zuko quietly accepts the apology. Hakoda smiles to himself, knowing that Zuko a few days or even hours ago wouldn't have taken the apology and he's beyond proud of the progress Zuko's already made. He turns to give Zuko the glass and sits down next to him. They sit in silence and Hakoda contemplates how to start this conversation. Zuko had muttered something about a "second time" he fought against his dad and while it made Hakoda sick to his stomach he needs to know if it left any other...marks. A lot of Zuko's anxiety during that panic attack seemed to come from heat against his face, and Hakoda needs to know if there's something similar that could upset him. Feeling eyes on him he snaps out of his thoughts and sees Zuko looking at him questionably. Sighing, he decides to address it head-on.
"When you were talking about...what happened, you said you fought back, the second time," Hakoda says carefully and watches Zuko closely. He sees Zuko mull over the question and finally lands on a guilty look.
"What do you mean?" Hakoda would laugh at how childish Zuko's being and it makes his heart swell that Zuko can still be childish after everything, but he needs to be serious for this conversation and he can't ket Zuko dodge. Giving him what Katara has dubbed "The dad eyebrows" Zuko sighs and looks at his hands that are clasped on the table.
"On the day of the eclipse I-...I went and confronted him. I wanted to finally stand up to him, tell him I'm not taking orders from him. I thought I was safe because he couldn't firebend at me, but he stalled me just long enough to get his firebending back," Zuko's hands are shaking on the table now and Hakoda instinctually reaches out and holds them steady. Zuko gives a small smile that drops quickly when he continues the story. "He shot lightning at me," Zuko whispers, but not quietly enough for Chit Sang to not hear.
"That fucking bastard," Chit Sang spits out and Hakoda would echo it if he wasn't trying to be Zuko's rock.
"I redirected it. I was going to hit him with it, I...I wanted to," Zuko's voice is shaking along with his hands but he seems more stable with this story than the first so Hakoda lets him continue, "It would've saved Aang his moral dilemma and the world would be better off without him in it." Zuko pushes himself away from the table and stands, fists at his sides shaking. Hakoda stands as well and sets his hands on the prince's shoulders to steady him.
"You're a child, all of you are, none of you should have to take a life," Hakoda remembers who they're talking about and adds, "No matter how evil that life is," He shakes his anger off for the moment and smiles at Zuko, who looks between him and Chit Sang.
"I'm proud of you, Zuko," Chit Sang adds with a smile, and Zuko looks so young and genuinely happy that Hakoda's heart breaks again. "Can I give you a hug, kid?" Chit Sang asks and Zuko's brow furrows for a second before he nods silently. Hakoda watches as Chit Sang gives Zuko a quick hug and it's almost comical how short Zuko looks especially compared to how tall Chit Sang is. When he steps back the two men notice just how tired Zuko looks and Hakoda decides that enough heavy stuff for the day, the kid deserves to go hang out with his friends.
"The others went to go sit by the river, Aang decided to skip practice for the rest of the day," Hakoda says, "would you want to go join them?" Hakoda watches Zuko carefully and notices the slight way his brow pinches. "They want to make sure you're alright, Zuko," he adds quietly and his heart swells at Zuko's small smile, "Sokka asked me to tell you you're welcome to join them if you're feeling up to it."
"Yeah," Zuko says with a true and rare smile, "yeah I'm feeling up to it."
"Good, because I don't want to leave you but someone needs to go check up on them, considering someone left their Avatar group watching duties," Hakoda jokes, hoping to lighten the situation and that Chit Sang understands that he's joking. He's reassured when Chit Sang gives him a snarky smirk.
"Hey, your daughter and son could kick my ass individually and then twice over together, I don't think they need my protection," Hakoda smiles with pride because he knows for a fact they could, and smiles even more when he hears Zuko quietly chuckle. He doesn't think he's heard the boy fully laugh yet, and he hopes to change that. Chit Sang leads the two of them outside of the temple into the forest. It's a short walk and Hakoda smiles to himself when he hears the sounds of the kids playing. Suki, Sokka, Katara, and Aang are trying to shove each other off the other's shoulders, Toph is watching (Hakoda doesn't know if that's the right way to say that but moves past it), with Haru, The Duke, and Teo cheering them on. Toph yells about something which gets Katara to yell and her brother and his girlfriend manage to shove Aang off her shoulders and into the water. Hakoda wants to cry at the sight, after a day full of suffering his kids get to still be kids (since when we're all of them his kids? he leaves that thought for the alcohol with Chit Sang tonight). Aang starts throwing fish at Sokka and Suki with Toph and Katara throw mud and while Hakoda chuckles he didn't think it was super fun, just endearing. Zuko, however, thought it was the funniest thing in the world and almost fell over laughing.
Zuko keeps laughing when everyone stops to hear him and it turns out Hakoda wasn't the only one who hadn't heard him laugh. His laugh isn't loud but it fills the silence in the forest and still has the same raspy quality of his voice and it's so very Zuko. All of the kids are looking at him with bright smiles and finally, noticing the silence, Zuko stops laughing and looks up.
"Um, hello," Zuko coughs awkwardly and Hakoda chuckles a little. All of the kids cry out for their friend and run towards him. Aang literally launches himself at Zuko which Zuko dodges with more grace than Hakoda would expect from someone who just sobbed for about 30 minutes.
Hakoda watches as each of them piles into a group hug, even Katara, with Zuko in the middle. Smiling, he looks to Chit Sang who's smiling fondly as well. The kids talk amongst themselves and Hakoda laughs loudly as he watches Zuko try to pry Aang's limbs off of him.
"So how many of these kids are yours, like, biologically?" Chit Sang asks and Hakoda gives him a curious look.
"Considering two are dressed in bright blue and I've got water tribe beads in my hair I'd like you to take a guess," Hakoda teases and Chit Sang shrugs.
"Have fun explaining to them why they've got 7 new siblings," Chit Sang jokes and Hakoda laughs wholeheartedly because the firebender was right. When this was all over and they made it out of this war (because Hakoda would take no other outcome), Hakoda would still always watch over all of them.