Work Text:
The first, if not last love of my life. I often think about his lingering voice, ticking inside of my mind with every other thought. As much as I wanted it to get out, it twirled around every part of my brain, taunting me. His hair often danced in the wind on rough days at the beach, our beach. Big orange locks waving like the sea in front of his face. Oh, his eyes. Those big brown orbs that looked me up and down in annoyance upon our first interaction, I couldn’t help but bite my tongue in ways that would stop me from saying anything embarrassing.
Back in high school, you amazed me. That jump of yours was so freeing. You made it look easy, made it look like all your worries and concerns fell off your shoulders in an instant. I told you I would set for you one day, no matter how long it took.
Seven years, it was almost worth it.
But those seven years were flushed down the drain on a rainy day.
Shouyou Hinata, I will never forgive you for killing the man I loved most.
I had no clue our interactions would hurt you more, I wish I knew. The smile you gave me, gave to others, it almost concerned me. Yet it calmed me down at the same time. I didn’t know that each time our hands intertwined; it would kill you slowly. I would’ve kept my distance if I knew, I’d watch from afar. That would’ve been okay with me. Maybe then we’d still interact.
You came to me with a face full of tears one day, eye bruised and lip bleeding. Why, Shouyou Hinata? Why would you come to me, the man who was ruining your life? Why didn’t you stay away from me for him? I cannot carry this burden of knowing that I did nothing to save you. I pulled you close and held you, like an idiot. I thought it was okay at the time.
It wasn’t.
Things got worse and worse for you, so I decided to push you away. I wanted you to be happy, to live life without all these bruises, marks and arguments all because of me.
Maybe I should rephrase my comment.
Shouyou Hinata, I will never forgive myself for slowly killing the man I loved most.
I let him win, I let him take you and use you as his own property. It broke you; I know it. I still have the message you sent me that night, each and every time I think of it, I feel an ache in my heart. It hurts knowing that I lost you to my rash decisions.
If I could turn back time, I’d stop what I was doing and run straight to your apartment. Perchance I could’ve stopped it, but knowing me I would’ve made it worse. I did make it worse.
You were on the news, Shouyou. You wished for a day like this to come, right? Too bad you weren’t there to see it for yourself. You were invited to play for Japan, one more day and you would’ve been living your dream. Yet there you were, lying in your bed. Lifeless.
Shouyou Hinata, I will never forgive you for killing the man I loved most.
Yourself.