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Buck knows what people think about him. They see his bright smiles and swagger and think he’s got all the confidence in the world. And sure, he tries to play it off like that. If the world thinks he’s this big, self-assured guy then he has to be, right?
Except that’s not true at all. Because underneath all that he’s still just a guy who wants someone to love him. Enough to stay. Enough to not run out when things get hard. He just wants to matter. To be enough. But what he’s learned from his twenty-eight years of existence is that no matter what he does, he never is.
He wasn’t to his parents, who cared more about their jobs than spending any time with him or Maddie. Maddie got away from all that, but Buck was left with the burden of it. Especially when he had to watch as his parents' marriage fell apart, and hear them arguing late at night when they thought he was asleep. He never was, and he heard every word.
How his mom shouldn’t go so easy on Buck when he acted out. How his dad should be around more and it was all his fault. And on and on and one.
He’d moved out as soon as he turned eighteen, but he hadn’t felt like he was leaving either of them. They’d left him a long time before that. And so did every other person in his life that he ever cared about.
And maybe that’s why he holds on so tightly now. He’s afraid if he doesn’t, he’s going to wake up one day and everyone he loves here in LA is going to disappear, just like everyone else he’s ever loved. It’s fair to put that on them. He knows that.
So he starts pulling back. He’s so afraid of being too much that he just stops. He doesn’t go out with the team for drinks after shift. He turns down Maddie’s invites to game might most of the time. And Eddie… he’s still there. He still shows up at Buck’s place even when Buck tells him he’s busy, most of the time with Christopher in tow.
And Buck doesn’t understand it. Everyone else is content to leave him alone. To accept his excuses, but not Eddie. He carries on as if everything is normal. As if he’s not aware of the constant ache in Buck’s chest at the thought of one day losing him. And not just him, Christopher too.
Finally, after a month, Buck breaks. Eddie shows up alone this time. He has beer and pizza, like he always does. Buck follows him into the kitchen, watching as he puts the pizza on the counter and the beer in the fridge.
“What’s the deal?” Buck asks.
Eddie raises an eyebrow as he pops open a beer and hands it to Buck, before doing the same to his. He walks into the living room, and Buck follows him. Of course he does. Eddie flips down on the couch and looks up at him. “What do you mean?”
Buck sits next to him, and puts his beer on the table. He doesn’t feel like drinking it anyway. “This, Eddie. Why do you just…”
“What?”
“Why are you here?”
“Do you not want me here?” Eddie questions. He lowers his beer, and looks as if he half expects Buck to tell him to leave. “Because if you don’t and I’ve overstepped, I’m sorry. I just thought…”
“What?”
“I know you’ve been going through some stuff,” Eddie says. “I thought you could use the company, and maybe, eventually you’d feel up for talking about whatever it is.”
Buck nods and runs his fingers across the cool glass bottle. “I do want you here,” Buck says finally. “Of course I do.”
“Then what’s the problem?”
“I’m just afraid that one day you’ll wake up and realize this isn’t where you want to be,” Buck admits. “That you’ll leave just like everyone else.”
“Buck…”
Eddie puts his beer down and shifts closer to him. Buck’s shoulders hunch in on themselves on instinct. As if to shield him from whatever Eddie’s going to say. “Buck, I’m not going anywhere.”
“You say that now,” Buck mumbles. “But one day you’ll get tired of me like everyone else does and leave. And…”
“What?” Eddie asks, his eyes searching Buck’s face. “Why would you think I could just leave you?”
“People always leave,” Buck mumbles.
“Not me,” Eddie says, tone fierce and leaving no room for argument. “Never me. I would never leave you if I can help it, okay? You’re important.”
“I matter?” Buck asks, hating how small his voice sounds. But he can’t stop it. It’s as if all his insecurities are rising to the surface and he can’t keep them in.
“Matter? Of course you matter. How could you think you don’t?”
When Buck doesn’t answer, and instead stares at his hands, Eddie gives a huff of annoyance.
This is it, Buck thinks. This is where Eddie gets tired of me and leaves.
Except he doesn’t. He doesn’t do any of the things Buck expects. Instead, Buck finds himself being smacked in the arm with a pillow. Buck looks up in shock, but doesn’t have a chance to react before Eddie is hitting him with the pillow again. “Eddie!” Buck says, holding up his hands. “Eddie! What?”
“You matter,” Eddie says, swinging the pillow again. “You matter so fucking much!”
“Then why are you hitting me?” Buck asks, laughing in spite of himself. This whole thing has turned ridiculous.
“Because I’m trying to gently knock some sense into you,” Eddie says. “And since words don’t seem to be doing the trick, I’m trying to show you.”
“With a pillow fight?”
“Yeah, I might need a different tactic,” Eddie says. Buck inhales sharply when Eddie takes his face between his hands and looks him in the eye. “So listen to me, Evan Buckley. Are you listening?” Buck nods. “Good. I. Love. You. Okay? I love you, and I’m here, and you matter so much to me and I’m not going anywhere and I just…”
Tears are stinging at Buck’s eyes at Eddie’s words. Words he’s been longing to hear for so long, and now Eddie is finally saying them. He loves him. And god Buck just needs him to know…
“I love you too.”
Eddie smiles and caresses his cheek. “I know, but it’s nice to hear you say it.”
Then Eddie is kissing him, his lips moving softly against his. He kisses Buck with a tenderness that makes his chest ache and Buck never wants it to stop. He wants to hold onto this moment forever and never let it go. Eddie pulls back eventually, but he doesn’t stop kissing him. He moves to his cheek, down to his neck, he lifts his shirt and kisses his way down Buck’s chest, stopping over his heart and just letting his lips rest there. With each press of lips he whispers out soft reassurances.
I love you. You matter. I’m here.
Buck is sure he’s never been kissed like this before. Like he’s someone’s whole world. Like he matters. But he knows he does to Eddie. He can see that now. Not just because of the words he speaks against his skin, but the way he shows him with each kiss, each caress. Each and every word and action work their way deep under Buck’s skin, burrowing into his veins and breathing new life into him. And for the first time in months Buck isn’t afraid. He feels safe here, loved. That’s all he’s ever wanted, and now he has it with Eddie. His best friend, and person he loves above anything else.