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When Clarke had picked up the toddler to soothe his cries, she really hadn't intended to become his mom. She'd already done that once before and considering previous recent events, she wasn't convinced she was the best parent. Probably not even an almost half-decent one. The thought didn’t occur to her at the moment though. All she'd been focused on was that he was clearly alone, and crying, and no one had noticed him yet.
There weren't enough medics leftover after the previous night in Sanctum, so she stepped in and did what she could. She'd checked in with Madi again before she went over, who gave her an unimpressed look, but seemed to be okay considering that her mind and body had almost been completely taken over by a homicidal commander. The threat of Sheidheda still loomed over them, but at least he was no longer inside Madi's mind.
She went up to one of the Sanctum citizens who was treating a young woman with a cut on her forehead. He was one of the few with experience and delegated Clarke and a few other volunteers to begin treating patients. For a while, she was sucked into the blur of the work. With each person she treated, she couldn't help but think that her mom would've done a better job. That she would've been much more help than Clarke ever would. She had just finished caring for an elderly woman with a sprained wrist when she noticed the crying boy.
Going over to the same Sanctum medic from before, she asked, “His parents?” Though dread had already filled her chest. If they were okay, they would've been holding him.
“They're…” He looked pained. “I'm afraid both of them were killed in the chaos. Whether by guards or the crowd itself, we don't know yet. We probably never will.”
She swallowed. “Is there anyone else? Anyone who can take care of him?” Again, she felt she already knew the answer before he replied.
“I'm afraid not.”
The baby’s cries had grown louder. A sudden sadness seized her that was so profound, she felt it deep, in every part of her. She was an orphan now, too, she remembered. While she and her mom had had their difficulties over the years, her loss was hitting her in waves. It seemed to be just another sign that she truly was toxic, that she shouldn't be around the innocent. Tears threatened to spill from her eyes, but she brushed them away. The medic has seen them though and gave her a pitying look.
“His name is Noah,” he said and went back to tending to a man's badly cut arm.
Learning the baby's name broke any kind of idea that she could just walk away. While she felt she might end up hurting him more in the long run than help, she knew there was no way she would be able to have ignored him. Unable to stop herself anymore, and without thinking too deeply about what it meant or the repercussions of her actions, she bent down and swept the child into her arms. He had dark brown, almost black curls, and golden tanned skin. He was probably one of the cutest babies she'd ever seen.
It had been a long time since she'd held a toddler. It must've been back on the Ark, almost two years before her arrest. She had been brand new to helping out at the clinic and had held a one-year-old girl while her mom had checked over her mother. Life on the Ark was strange to think about now, on Sanctum, after more than one hundred and thirty years had passed. That life didn't even feel real anymore. Still, since then she had dealt with Madi's own tears about the loss of her village, her family, and living in fear as a nightblood. She figured it wouldn't be too hard to calm him down.
Damn, was she wrong.
Twenty minutes later she had made no progress. She'd tried everything she could think of and yet, the little boy continued to scream. Everyone else was preoccupied dealing with the other injured or trying to figure out what Sanctum would be now, what could possibly be grown from such poisoned soil. Bellamy had assured her that they'd done better, but holding the crying boy in her arms, she wasn't so sure. She was rocking her body gently from side to side when she heard someone approach from behind.
"Need some help?"
She turned around and saw Bellamy, who had an amused expression on his face. Right, because the sight of her with a baby must've been ridiculous, especially considering everything they'd both done with their hands throughout their lives.
"Do I look that desperate?" She shifted the baby from her right side to her left.
“Just a little," he teased.
As it turned out, not even Bellamy’s help had any kind of impact on the baby's cries. Not his advice about how to hold him just right or the best shushing noises or trajectory of her movements. Maybe Noah just didn't like her, she thought. Hell, he could join the club.
"Let me try," he said, motioning for her to give Noah to him.
She wasn't sure about giving him up to just anyone, but she trusted Bellamy more than herself most of the time. Already, she felt a protective instinct towards Noah, though she'd only been holding him for less than an hour. She didn't want to think too much about what that probably meant. Both for her future and maybe Madi's, too. Who did she think she was, anyway, feeling the need to keep the toddler safe when she had failed to protect the people she loved so many times?
"Come on, babies love me." She was surprised to find that he was gloating, just a little.
The lightness to his tone that she hadn't heard in so long brought a small smile to her face, tugging at her lips despite the pain she felt. He seemed surprised at it and returned it with one of his own. A part of her felt guilty for feeling any kind of happiness, no matter how small or fleeting, but she brushed the thought aside. She could judge herself when there wasn't a crying baby between them.
"Oh, do they?" she mused but nevertheless, handed him Noah.
"Shut up. What's his name?" he asked, bouncing him lightly and making what she supposed were soothing noises.
"Noah. Apparently, Sanctum was really into the whole Biblical thing.
"How fitting," he replied.
"See," she pointed out when Noah was still crying after a minute. "It's not just me. Maybe you're not as good with babies as you thought," she couldn't but add in a teasing tone.
"I'm really hurt you don't believe me," he shifted Noah from his right side to his left. "I'll have you know that I'm amazing with them. You should've seen me with Octavia. I had to learn pretty quickly how to make her stop crying. Soon enough, my mom couldn't even get her to sleep, she would only do it for me. "
His words gave a heaviness to the situation that went unspoken. While he and Octavia were certainly moving towards something that resembled a type of reconciliation, she knew there was still pain there. He could no longer view his sister as that innocent baby he had raised, had done anything to himself or others to protect. They had both lost so much of what they'd believed to be resolute truths in their lives. It didn't seem possible that there were any left. She didn't know what she could say, how she could help ease the pain that he was trying to conceal from her. So, she tried to keep the lightness between them.
"That would've been something to see: Mini Bellamy." She shook her head. "I'm sure you were a handful in your own right."
He scoffed. "Like you weren't? I'm sure the Princess got away with all kinds of shit." The memory of the old nickname made her laugh. While there was certainly pain in it, in the memories and people they made her think about, there was a kind of comfort, too.
She had hoped to clear the tension that threatened the ease of the moment, and it seemed that she was at least a little bit successful. Memories of past lives never did them any good, really. There was only the hope that they wouldn't continue to repeat past mistakes.
He started rubbing circles on the baby's back, rocking gently from side to side. She was about to point out that they were both hopeless and maybe should try and find someone else. Then, to her shock and his credit, Noah quieted down.
"That is so not fair," she grumbled.
He smirked. "You made an impact too, I'm sure. It was a team effort."
"You know that humility is usually a good quality, right?"
He pretended to mull it over and she rolled her eyes. "True, but where's the fun in that?"
"Oh, are we having fun now?" She wasn't able to hold back her laugh despite her best efforts to not let him know the effect he had on her.
"You gonna tell on us?" he shot back.
They both were laughing then, and to her delight, Noah made a gurgling noise that eventually developed into the sweetest giggle she'd ever heard.
When was the last time she'd laughed? She thought about it for a moment before she could recall correctly. Of course, it had been with Bellamy, hadn't it? Well, at least, had laughed with someone who hadn't ended up trying to kidnap, and eventually kill, her. It seemed the only times she felt herself, or at least, a lighter version of herself, was when he was around. There was no point in looking too closely at what that meant though, not when they'd barely survived another ordeal. He and Echo had only just ended things. As always, her feelings and what they may or may not have meant were pushed to a dark corner of her mind she tried not to dwell on, lest the truth might be too much for her to bear.
"Maybe we should let ourselves have some," he replied, still joking, but there was also a seriousness to his words that let her know he was asking her, like he needed permission from her.
It was a question she didn't have an answer to, after all, she couldn't decide if she truly was owed anything in this life, given all that she'd done, given how much others had told her how her actions continuously hurt the people she loved the most. Raven and Murphy, especially, had let her know that she wasn't forgiven. At least she had Madi back though, and Bellamy. The rest would take time.
He was grinning at Noah, making faces at him that brought about a new round of giggling from him. She couldn't have stopped the soft smile that broke out on her face if she'd wanted.
Of course, the reality of their lives was never far enough away, and after a couple of minutes, Bellamy turned serious.
"I didn't want to ask because I think I already know the answer..." He trailed off and sighed. "The parents?"
The smile slipped off of her features as quickly as it had appeared. She couldn't bring herself to say the words, especially in front of Noah, no matter if he'd understand what her words meant, so she just shook her head. Even though she hadn't been the one to start the riot and it had been Russell that had poisoned his own people, she managed to find a way to blame herself for making Noah an orphan. Bellamy, being himself, picked up on it right away.
"It's not your fault."
She nodded, but he must've seen she didn't really believe him, because he went on, “It's not, Clarke. I know how easy it is to accept the blame for every bad thing that happens. I know it feels natural, at this point. But this," he nodded towards the mess around them, "it is not your burden to accept. It's not ours, okay? There are plenty of things for the two of us to feel guilty about, to regret what we've done for our people, but this is not one of them."
The words did resonate, perhaps not to the extent that she stopped feeling guilty and shameful entirely, but enough that it was manageable to look at Noah again without feeling like she didn't deserve to be around him. It was a little eerie, how well he was able to interpret where her mind was going, and just what she needed to hear to stop going to that place. Should she really have been surprised though, that even after everything they'd been through after Praimfarya, that he still knew her best?
While they'd been talking, Noah had drifted off to sleep in Bellamy's arms.
"Guess boring conversations about guilt really puts him to sleep," she commented in a soft whisper.
"Well, then getting him to sleep around you shouldn't be a problem."
She shot him an unimpressed look, which made him crack a smile.
"Oh come on," he said. “That was funny."
Holding back the urge to return his smile, god there was something unfairly infectious about it, she replied, "Maybe a little."
He shook his head. "Maybe a little? You really don’t give an inch, you know that?”
"That's all you get." She added, "For now."
He was about to say something else but then Murphy, Raven, and Emori appeared through the crowd and came over. Considering everything that had happened between them arriving on Earth, and then Sanctum, and now, she didn't know where she stood with any of them. Didn’t know where to begin healing those relationships.
"You gonna put a shock collar on this one too?" Raven asked.
Clarke winced at the memory of what she'd done, what she'd thought she had to do at the time in order to keep Madi safe. It was ugly and she knew she’d regret it for the rest of her life, like so many other things.
"That's enough," Bellamy said, tone stiff and commanding. “She knows it was the wrong thing to do, and it only happened because I asked Madi to take the flame. So, if you're going to snap at anyone, it should be me."
Raven chewed on her lip for a moment before looking a little embarrassed, maybe even guilty. Though Clarke believed that might've been taking it too far. Emori's mouth hung open a little at the briskness of his tone and Murphy looked like he wanted to add something but didn't.
"Bellamy—" Clarke started to say, but he cut her off, still looking at their friends as if he'd never been so disappointed.
"No, it's about time they cut the bullshit," he told her before turning back to the others. "I get it, you're upset with her, and about Monty and Harper. Hell, we've been through so much since we came back down from the Ring. But that doesn't mean you get to take it out on Clarke. She did what she thought she had to.”
He cleared his throat. "I've forgiven her, and I can only hope that she's able to forgive us too. Because we all fucked up, we all made mistakes, but I'm not going to make them again, and I'm going to do what Monty and Harper would've wanted: be a family. And that sure as hell includes her."
Clarke was too shocked to say anything. While she'd known she could lean on Bellamy, had known that he'd forgiven her for the fighting pit (even if she didn't fully allow herself to believe it), she didn't know the guilt he had. That he had been hoping to receive forgiveness from her, too. But as she thought about it, she saw how everything he'd done to get her back, being willing to do whatever it took to save her (which included leaving the people he cared about in peril and putting her above the rest), it showed her that he was sorry. For the Flame. For his words when she was handcuffed in the bunker. The fact that he called her family, not just to her but to the rest of them, it meant so much. Her heart couldn't take what flowed through it as he stood there, challenging them to argue.
For a moment, she didn't think Emori or Murphy or Raven would say anything either. There was so much pain and resentment and history between all of them. She appreciated Bellamy's words more than anything, but she wondered if they would actually have any impact. Could they possibly repair what'd been broken between them? Hell, she knew she was willing to try, but that didn't mean they were.
To her surprise, and seemingly to Murphy and Raven's as well, it was Emori who made the decision for them all.
"You're right," she said to Bellamy, and then she turned to Clarke. "I'm sorry...That I...that for a second there I was going to let you die for us, again. You did some things I didn't agree with, but..." She swallowed, "I think Monty and Harper would hate to see us like this."
She turned to Murphy and Raven, giving them each a loaded look, waiting for them to interrupt. Instead, to Clarke's surprise, Murphy gave a little nod and Raven the smallest hint of a smile.
Emori continued, "So let's give it a shot and try to be friends again.”
"Thank you, though really, you don't have to apologize," Clarke replied.
"Yes, they do," Bellamy cut in.
She shot him a look but he didn't budge on it, so she went on, "But thank you all the same. I know...I know I messed up, but it's nice to hear, and thank you, for not killing me, in the end. And I would really, really like that too."
Raven spoke up, hesitating before she did, "Sorry everything got so fucked up."
Clarke smiled sadly. "Me too."
Murphy cleared his throat, and out of the corner of her eye, she saw Bellamy shoot him a warning glare. She shifted on her feet, not knowing what he was going to say.
"Not that this isn't touching, but Emori and I have to go pretend to be these people's leaders now, and you two," he nodded towards Noah, who was still sound asleep, "have got a baby to deal with. Because apparently they flock to you."
He looked down for a second before back up at her. "And I'm sorry too. For thinking, I don't know, that it was okay for me to trade you in for a hard drive of immortality."
Clarke couldn't help it, she laughed a little.
Raven went off to work out some wiring to try and get power back on Sanctum that had turned off in the chaos while Emori and Murphy had a meeting with Gabriel and Russell about the next steps for leading the people.
Octavia had come over to inspect the situation, though she could tell she was still a little skittish around her brother still.
"Leave it to you to adopt a baby, Bell," she said, smiling softly, a happy, teasing tone that Clarke hadn't heard since before Lincoln died.
"We didn't adopt him," he tried to argue, but his sister just raised her brows.
"He's cute, at least you two have that going for you,” she said, and with that, she went over to where Niylah and Indra stood, probably having a quiet conversation about this new world and the challenges it brought.
"I can take care of him by myself,” she rushed out as soon as Octavia was off. “I did it with Madi. I know the basic care and I think, you know, while I'm not exactly Mother of the Year, that I can manage him enough. I couldn't, I mean, I can't expect you or ask you to help with this.”
She didn’t want to have to face his rejection, even if it was one she would've understood.
"And you can't expect me to just let you do this on your own," his tone was resolute, one that she'd heard many times, one that she knew wouldn't be changed.
She shook her head and opened her mouth, but he wouldn't let her speak any more opposition to the idea.
"I'll help, okay. Quarters are tight anyway, so...We can share and take turns getting up with him and feeding him."
Her heart jumped at the thought of sharing a small space with Bellamy, but she ignored it.
"I know you,” he went on. “And I know you're not just gonna walk away from this kid. And I know that I can't either, not when we're supposed to be making Monty and Harper's sacrifice worth it. Maybe this is another chance for us to do better. So, don't even try and talk me out of it, okay?"
She wanted to argue more, to protest against the idea. It was, after all, a bit ridiculous. They weren't together. At least, not like that. While she tried to ignore that nagging feeling she was wrong about that part, it was louder than she could remember it ever being before. Maybe because for once, there was no immediate danger or impossible choice for them to make. Now came the hard part, now they had to find a way to live. She was kidding herself if she didn't want to do that with him, in whatever way was available to her. The thought of raising Noah with him was barely a choice to make, once she knew he was really offering.
"Okay, fine,” she relented. He looked relieved until she continued, “But here's the deal: you can cut out at any time in the next six months, no judgment. After that...Well, I think Noah might already be a little attached, and I don't want him to lose anyone else. So, six months. That's the deadline to cut and run.” She nodded, it was the best solution she could think of given the circumstances.
"I'm not going to," he pushed back.
"I know, but just agree to it. For my own sake of feeling like I didn't force you into this."
"If I'm not mistaken,” he grinned a little, "I had to practically force you to let me hold him."
"Whatever," she responded, petulant.
"Relax, okay?" He smiled fully at her then, and added, "How hard can it be? We've dealt with grounders, experimental Mountain Men, and a radioactive death wave. Hell, we've defeated death. We've got this."
Something told her that it wasn't going to be that simple, but one more look at Noah in Bellamy's arms, and she buried the thought deep down and led them to the quarters her and Madi had been assigned.
As it turned out, raising a toddler was really fucking hard.
Probably one of the hardest things she'd ever had to do, and that included a lot of difficult choices that often fueled her nightmares or kept her awake for hours when she tried to sleep. But it wasn't her past that was keeping her from sleeping lately, it was Noah. He didn't sleep. Ever. Except for the rare occasions when he'd tire himself out after running around Sanctum, with Bellamy and Clarke and often Madi inches behind to watch out for any possible danger. His legs might've been short, but the boy could move and he could go for hours. He wanted to explore anywhere they would allow, and they often spent entire days roaming around the protected part of the planet, just the two of them, or more, (Noah was getting a bit of a reputation around Sanctum, nearly everyone wanted to spend time with him) depending on who was free that day.
To her surprise, Murphy seemed to be the one that cared for him the most, after her and Bellamy. He often encouraged the two of them to spoil him, seemingly to no end.
"We're not giving him another cookie," Clarke said while Madi held Noah in her lap at the table.
They were all having dinner together at the palace, which Emori and Murphy had moved into following an impromptu-election that Gabriel and a reluctant Russell had organized. The two of them were chosen to be representatives to the people while a council was being organized. Their rule was temporary but gave their group access to the luxurious space, which was nice. Clarke had gone into Josephine's room for a while, to try and understand the woman that she'd almost lost her body to, but then Bellamy had come in after only a few minutes and told her that she was awful, and he was so happy she was alive.
"If you aren't careful, I might just have to intervene," Murphy warned.
Bellamy snorted and stifled a yawn into some strange vegetable dish the people of Sanctum were obsessed with. All of them had been making the effort to be around one another again. It was a bit awkward for Bellamy and Echo at first, and of course, for her and Murphy and Raven. But as the weeks turned into a month, and then two, and then three, the tension had begun to decrease. They still got into arguments or brought up old wounds that refused to heal, but they were working on it, working on themselves, and how to let go of the grudges they'd been so intent on holding onto.
"You want a baby?" Emori asked, the surprise and a little bit of intrigue evident in her tone.
"Not a baby," he corrected. “An apprentice."
"For what?" Raven jumped in. "In wearing eyeliner and capes?”
Murphy stuck out his chin. "Like I don't pull it off in a spectacular fashion."
"Sorry Raven," Echo added. "I think he's got you there.”
Raven speared a piece of what Clarke suspected was some kind of legume and shoved it into her mouth. "Whatever. You don't have an antique motorcycle that you happen to be this close to actually getting running."
"You're very impressive too, Raven, don't worry," Bellamy told her, smirking a bit.
Clarke laughed and Raven threw a napkin at her. "Don't encourage him. You're supposed to be on my side."
"I am?" Clarke asked, part jokingly and part genuine confusion, and at the posing of the question, she felt a little bit of tension that hadn't been in the air before rear its ugly head.
Out of all of the relationships damaged, her and Raven's required the most work. They had the most fallouts, and the greatest pain wrapped up in their history, going back to Finn. While she and Murphy were more likely to snap at one another or make a crude comment at the other's expense, she and Raven had issues embedded in their respective traumas that kept them from truly moving forward.
"Of course you are.” She smirked. "I'm on yours."
She mulled over her response for a moment. While Raven would never come out and say it, Clarke saw it for what it was: an offering. Maybe not of everything that would fix what was broken between them, but certainly a start. She could've easily rejected it, and knew it had taken some amount of courage for Raven to expose herself to possible rejection. It only took her a moment to decide.
"Sorry Bellamy," she said, turning to him. “You're on your own."
He rolled his eyes. "Can't say I'm surprised. You totally made me deal with this one," he nodded towards Noah, "all of last night."
"I did not!" she protested.
"You sleep like a log," he shot back. "And kind of in this starfish form, it's really quite impressive.”
"Shut up." She hated that she was blushing, and even more that she was laughing at his joke that was at her expense.
While her attention was on him, the look Raven and Murphy exchanged didn't escape her. Of course, they thought she hadn't been looking, but really, she'd prefer it if they were just a little less obvious. It wasn't that she was exactly ashamed of what might've been happening between her and Bellamy, but she didn't know what it was yet. It made her nervous. She didn't know what it meant or what it would lead to, if it would even lead to anything. More than just that, she was afraid that she was the only one who felt it.
"It's been, what, almost five months and you guys have yet to have a night off?" Murphy asked. "No wonder you're bickering like an old married couple.”
"You deserve a night off," Raven agreed. “Seriously, if not for your own sakes, then ours. Plus, me and Murphy and Emori have been dying to spend more time with the little monster."
"Little monster, really?" Clarke asked.
"I give it a fifty/fifty shot of him not stabbing a person before his thirteenth birthday," Jordan said, grinning at Madi, who looked a little sheepish at the mention of the accident between them but returned it.
It had taken a while after losing both Delilah and Priya for Jordan's smile to come back, but surprisingly, it'd been Madi who stood by his side and encouraged his progress. Bellamy and Clarke had done as Monty and Harper had asked as well, offering their own stories about those they'd lost. Doing what they could to bring him back to himself. His innocence would never fully return, but he was working to help improve the latest harvest and loved the work. Like father, like son.
"Well, if he does, then we'll just stitch up whoever it is," Jackson offered.
Miller nodded and grinned. “Can’t wait to teach him my ways, ah, the things we’ll steal together.”
Bellamy gave them an unenthused look. He turned to Madi and Noah and screwed up his face.
"You're not gonna stab anyone, are you?" he asked Noah in a voice Clarke struggled to not find adorable. She failed spectacularly.
The toddler laughed, delighted by it. And then it was a game of who could make him laugh the most. In the end, Bellamy won, of course.
Clarke tilted her head to the side and grinned at Bellamy and Madi and Noah. While it certainly wasn't the family she'd envisioned when she'd been growing up on the Ark, it was somehow better than any of those girlhood dreams.
"You should take the night," Echo said to her around a smile. “While these three,” she nodded to Raven, Murphy, and Emori, “still have the guts to uphold the offer.”
The comment came to Clarke's surprise, to an extent. While the breakup between her and Bellamy had been amicable enough from what he'd told her, she still expected there to be some animosity about Raven and Murphy alluding to her and him so explicitly. It comforted her, just a little, that if something were ever to happen, it wouldn't disrupt the bonds they'd all been working on the past couple of months.
After really getting to know Echo, without war and deceit between them, she had to admit, she had a snarky sense of humor and seemed to be one of the most loyal people she had ever met. Echo had been working on opening herself up more too and had told them all over too many drinks about how she really got her name. It had been a shock, especially to Emori and Bellamy, but they all wanted to try again, and so they'd accepted her story and apology for not telling them the truth about her past until then.
Clarke snuck a glance at Bellamy, only to find he was already looking at her. She shrugged, unable to commit to anything stronger than that.
"Okay," he said, looking away from her and at Murphy. “Why not?"
It took her hours to get to sleep that night, but it wasn't because of Noah. The thought of her and Bellamy being something more had been one she never had time to think about, and then too much time, and then had to force herself to abandon once he came down from the Ring.
To let herself open up to it again was something that terrified her. Not because she didn't trust him (she trusted him with everything) but because she didn't trust herself. She didn't want to run from it, whatever it was, but she had done so in the past. Had run from who she was and what she'd done, but for once, there was relative peace. She knew that she was done running.
She listened as Bellamy slept beside her, breathing deeply, finally at some kind of peace for the first time in so long, and in the darkness, she hid her smile into her pillow.
It turned out their night off didn't happen until over a month later, because Noah got a cold, and neither one of them wanted to leave his side, and then Clarke got it, and Bellamy did, too. Madi was the only one in their quarters not infected. She figured this was due to her avoiding being stuck inside the rooms for hours at a time now that she was allowed to attend school. She had been ecstatic when Clarke had made the decision, which had included a long talk in the dark with Bellamy the night before Madi's first day. He argued that her fears couldn't keep either one of them from living anymore. She'd nearly kissed him right then, but in the end, didn't have the courage.
As promised, when they were all finally feeling better, on the six month anniversary of them taking in Noah, Murphy, Raven, and Emori came over to their place. The three of them were now all living in the palace. She knew better than to ask when they hadn’t yet offered it, but she suspected something real was starting to form there. Something similar to what she hoped was beginning for her and Bellamy.
Clarke didn't know what the two of them would be doing, she figured they'd just go to the tavern or something. Some part of her couldn't resist dressing up, even if it was only a little. While she felt strange about it, she'd been distributed a couple of Josephine's old clothes by Emori.
Emori had insisted because apparently they were awesome and her size and, “It'd be a pity for them to go to waste.” So, she'd reluctantly accepted a few pieces.
Now, she was grateful for that decision. She chose the shorter one of the two dresses of Josephine's. It was black, with thin straps, and it had a lace-detail in the back. It was also a little low-cut, which was why she'd debated throwing her jacket on over it, but she couldn't bring herself to do it. She'd also gotten a pair of black, low-heeled boots. As much as they weren't as comfortable as her other ones, even she knew the two would look ridiculous together.
Murphy actually wolf-whistled when she came out into the main room of their quarters.
"Haha," she replied dryly. “Very funny.”
"I bet Bellamy passes out," Emori commented.
Raven looked Clarke up and down. "I will definitely take that action."
Luckily, she didn't have to come up with any kind of response to that, because Bellamy came out of Noah's room, and the look of amazement he gave her as he took in her appearance...If she wasn't flushed before, she definitely was then.
They'd been lucky enough to be assigned quarters with three bedrooms. She'd felt it was only right to give Madi and Noah their own rooms, and while they'd fought over one of them taking the couch, eventually her and Bellamy had given in to sharing the last room, and the bed that came with it. It'd been awkward at first, but now she couldn't imagine not sleeping beside him.
"Damn, no passing out," Murphy tsked his tongue against his teeth, but it seemed that Bellamy hadn't heard him. She couldn't even be one hundred percent sure that she had.
He had dressed up too, in one of the fine jackets that were common amongst the prime men. She tried not to stare too much and most definitely failed. After a moment too long when neither one of them said anything, Raven cleared her throat.
"You know you actually have to leave to have the night off, right?"
"Right," she said, looking away from his stare that seemed to hold so much and yet not enough all at once.
"Well, he's asleep," Bellamy started, "but he'll probably be up in an hour or so needing to be fed. There's formula in the kitchen and—"
"We got this," Emori told them, and practically shoved them out the door. “Have fun. "
Unfortunately, the door didn't close before they heard Murphy call out, "Don't do anything I wouldn't do!”
Neither one of them was able to manage a joke at that, though not for her lack of trying to come up with one. Anything to diffuse the severity she felt the night already held. They weren't used to letting their moments build for so long, but she knew she didn't want to be the one to break it.
In the end, she kind of forced his hand to do it though, because as she set off in the direction of the tavern, he reached out to stop her.
"Not so fast."
"What?" Her brow furrowed, confused as to where else they could possibly be going. There weren't a lot of dining options in Sanctum, it turned out.
People mostly ate at their homes, and the population was small enough that it couldn't really support multiple areas to congregate after dark, aside from the dance hall.
"Give me a little credit," he told her and pulled her in the opposite direction.
Without even really thinking about it, she didn't let her hand slip out of his own like she could've. Instead, she grabbed onto it, albeit with some hesitation. There was no reason for it though, because he responded immediately, ducking his head as he intertwined their fingers.
"This isn't one of those friends-holding hands-things is it?" he asked without looking at her.
The silence between them seemed to stretch forever, though it must've only been a second.
"No," she replied, her voice quiet, but steady, sure.
He breathed out a sigh. "Oh, thank god. If this was just another weirdly intimate thing we were going to start doing I think I was gonna lose it."
She laughed and jostled her shoulder into his arm. "Yeah, yeah. When are we getting to this mysterious second location?"
"So impatient," he grumbled, but he was grinning. "Close your eyes," he said as they entered a small stretch of trees.
"You're lucky I know I can kick your ass if you're playing me," she replied but complied with his request.
They walked for a couple of minutes, Bellamy carefully guiding her movements so the shoes didn't lead her to stumble.
"Okay," he said, and there was a hint of nerves in his voice. "You can open them."
It was the most breathtaking thing she'd ever seen.
There was a lake, like the one they'd first encountered upon arriving there, but the darkness made the water look a dark, inky blue. But it wasn't the water that was the most beautiful thing about the small clearing. It was the exposed night sky, and the lights that twisted and turned in vivid greens and purples and pinks and cyans. They were reflected on the water, creating an image so stunning she was at a loss for words. She could've stared at the sight forever, and it would've never been enough.
"I know it's no glowing forest or butterflies, but—"
"It's beautiful," she breathed out. Taking in every detail she could, she found herself saying, "God, I want to paint this."
"Really?" He seemed a little surprised, which she understood.
Her most artistic days after the Ark had been the six years they'd been apart. She nodded. "Yeah, I mean...Josephine had a lot of art stuff and I...Murphy said for me to, 'knock myself out'. I didn't think I would but this..." She shook her head in disbelief of what she was seeing. "It's like it's jump started every impulse to make art I've ever had."
"Yeah?" There was such disbelief in his voice, and she realized she wanted to reassure him about something else, to reassure herself as well.
"Bellamy," her voice was barely a whisper, but she couldn't help the huge smile that was plastered across her face. She probably looked ridiculous. "I want to paint and draw and walk Madi to school and eventually Noah too and I..." She gulped. "I want to do it with you."
She tugged on the hand that was still intertwined with hers and pulled him close so that she'd only have to move an inch to touch him. But when the moment came for her to make the movement to close the space between them, she faltered. He picked up on it right away.
Sliding a hand up to cup her cheek he said, "We can do us, this, whatever's going on here, however you want. I've wanted you for over one hundred and thirty years, I can wait however long you need, okay?"
He was so open with her, so unafraid, it amazed her that he was able to do it after everything he'd been through, after everything they'd been through together. It was that reassurance, that feeling that he would wait for her, no matter how long it took, that made her know the fears were wrong. Her heart knew better.
When she kissed Bellamy for the first time, it didn't feel real. So she did it again, and again, and again. Until it did. Until she could commit the softness of his lips and taste and feel of it to her memory. They were a mess of giggles in between them. Neither one could believe that it was real, that this was finally, finally, finally happening. She loved that it was like this, not after just avoiding death, or about to go walking into battle once more. That it was this, which she didn't have a name for yet but would work forever on finding one.
After too long but also not long enough, they broke apart. She wanted to say the perfect thing, whatever it was, but before she could even think of one, her stomach growled so loud she swore it echoed.
They both burst into laughter.
"I know that, um, that just happened, but I'm also starving," she admitted. "You think we can go to the tavern before we head home?"
"Anything," he told her, still a little breathless.
The words came naturally.
"Whatever the hell I want?" she asked around a smirk.
She tucked herself against his side, and as they left the clearing, which would eventually become unofficially their spot, she thought they fit so perfectly, she didn't know if she could ever break the contact.
"Something like that," he said, so soft she didn’t know how it was possible for her to melt as she did at the sound.
"Sorry," she corrected herself. "I meant whatever the hell we want."
And he smiled so brightly his eyes shone like stars.