Archive of Our Own

It’s their third fight this month.

Jeongguk forgets what it’s about, just because the topic is so irrelevant. Maybe they fought over the juicer again, maybe the chores or maybe over the dog they’ve been talking about adopting. They’ve been going at each other for no reason in particular for so many months, that Jeongguk finds it more convenient to forget.

Jeongguk has long since gotten used to the stony silences and the awkward atmosphere. It’s been three months since Namjoon packed up and left to sleep in the guest bedroom. Jeongguk wakes up with the bed beside him, cold, and Jeongguk can’t remember when he’d last felt the warmth.

His mother had once warned him. I know you feel like you can conquer everything, now that you have Namjoon by your side, but things only get worse from here.

Jeongguk had said, Mom, please. We’re better than that.

Yeah, he’s eating his words now.

They don’t have dinner together, they don’t go to work together, they don’t even sleep in the same bed. Times were different before, but Jeongguk’s memory is wiped clean of that. Jeongguk hears the door close with a loud bang and he flinches involuntarily, curling up into himself in the sheets. Namjoon must be off to work now. When is he not?

Jeongguk rolls over and gets onto his back. The exhaustion never goes away.

“Thanks for inviting me out, Gguk.” Hoseok says, stuffing his face with pancakes. Jeongguk shakes his head, trying not to laugh at the sight. “I wouldn’t have left the studio otherwise.”

“I know, I know.” Jeongguk chuckles. He doesn’t mention that the only reason why he asked Hoseok out for breakfast was because the house was too quiet. “You’re such a workaholic. It would be admirable if it wasn’t sad.”

“Fuck off, I like working. Besides, it’s not like I do it out of compulsion or anything. Work is more interesting than home nowadays.” It’s amusing, how Hoseok hasn’t changed since college. Addicted to his dance studio, addicted to his music, addicted to his work.

One of the few things in Jeongguk’s life that stays constant.

That does explain why Namjoon isn’t home much of the time. Jeongguk quirks an eyebrow. “Why? Something interesting going on these days? Did someone spill coffee all over the CEO again?”

When Jeongguk’s eyes meet Hoseok’s, there’s no trace of amusement. “Oh? Namjoon didn’t tell you?”

Hoseok dives back into his pancakes, but something ugly rises up in Jeongguk’s throat. Namjoon didn’t tell you? Jeongguk folds his arms over his chest, taking a defensive stance. He knows Hoseok probably didn’t intend for it to sound like that, but he still hates it. Jeongguk doesn’t blame Hoseok, though. He doesn’t know about their situation, no one does, and Jeongguk isn’t looking forward to saying anything in the near future as well.

The silence grows tense.

It’s impossible to miss the animosity in his words. Hoseok never approved of Namjoon, even back in college, and Jeongguk knows it’s probably another jab at him. Jeongguk quietly bites into his food.

“Well,” Hoseok starts, wiping his mouth. “For starters, we have this new client. You ever heard of Kim Taehyung?”

“The Chanel model?’

“Yeah, yeah, him. Apparently, his agency wants him to take a break from modeling and try something new. You know, expanding the horizons and all that jazz. He’s going to do an album.”

Jeongguk’s eyes widen. “A whole album? He could just… go on a holiday or something.”

Hoseok grins, breaking off into a laugh before continuing. “He’s a trained singer, just never pursued it. I’m surprised Namjoon didn’t say anything. He’s producing the songs.”

“Really?” Jeongguk hums.

“Yeah. And, Taehyung isn’t really the amateur like we thought he was. That’s some talent right there, you know.” Hoseok says, softly. “He's really gorgeous, you know.” He won’t meet Jeongguk’s eyes. “Kim Taehyung, I mean.”

Jeongguk’s eyebrows furrow. “Okay…” There’s something particularly sharp in Hoseok’s gaze, but he’s impossible to read, sometimes. He lets it go, like he lets go of everything and the breeze blowing is suddenly colder.

It’s nearly twelve in the night when Namjoon comes back home.

Jeongguk got home late from a shoot, but Namjoon usually is home before that. It’s odd. Jeongguk is making dinner and he listens to Namjoon take off his shoes and his coat. The vegetables sizzle in the pan and Jeongguk hastily starts a new portion of rice for Namjoon. There’s not enough for the two of them.

“It’s fine.” Namjoon says, from behind him. He’s holding a bottle of wine and a glass in his hands. Jeongguk didn’t know he was drinking again. “Don’t make anything, I already ate.”

There’s sweat clinging to Namjoon’s brow, hair swept to the side. Jeongguk wants to hate him, they’re fighting, but he can barely take his eyes off Namjoon. He looks stunning.

Jeongguk nods. “Okay. Goodnight.”

He only gets a grunt in response and Namjoon retires to his bedroom. Jeongguk has his dinner in silence, occasionally checking his phone when it pings with notifications. Jimin just adopted a cat. Hoseok is at his studio. Seokjin and Yoongi are out fishing. Jeongguk doesn’t know what Namjoon is doing.

“No! No! That’s exactly what I’m saying!” Jeongguk hears Namjoon shriek from the bedroom, light laughter obvious in his tone. “Yeah… there’s this exhibition and I have two tickets…”

A cold settles in Jeongguk’s stomach. He finishes off his rice and heads to bed. He wonders exactly when Namjoon stopped reaching out for him. He wonders when he stopped caring.

For as long as Jeongguk remembers, they’ve been stuck in this rut. Tired of work, tired of the world, tired of each other. They have fights and arguments and they haven’t had sex in a year. Jeongguk stops wanting it and he stops asking. Every couple goes through it, especially if you’re married. The honeymoon phase has long since passed and there’s no way better than Jeongguk who knows it.

There are two boxes of eggs in the fridge, four cartons of milk because Namjoon doesn’t know that Jeongguk already did the grocery shopping of this week. They don’t talk anymore. And, although Jeongguk feels empty, there’s nothing he could do about it.

The night’s already fallen when Namjoon comes home. He eats his food, watches some television and he goes to bed, all while Jeongguk is inside. They’re two strangers and all they’re doing is pretending not to notice it. It’s his birthday next week. Every year Jeongguk used to be excited, just to see what Namjoon would buy him. Now, he’s dreading it. Jeongguk is afraid.

They’d met in autumn. Jeongguk was coming back home from the dance studio, all sweaty and exhausted from practice. There was a stray cat Hoseok had rescued from a tree once, they’d affectionately named her Suga, much to Yoongi’s predicament. She was the highlight of Jeongguk’s long and taxing days, and no one ever knew she lived there in a hidden away box.

It’s why Jeongguk was shocked to find someone already feeding her.

“Oh, hello.” Namjoon had said, and Jeongguk remembers his eyes going wide, bells going off in the distance. “Are you here to feed the cat?”

“Wow, thighs.” Jeongguk had said, cheeks immediately flaming with bright embarrassment while Namjoon had just raised an eyebrow. He still doesn’t know if Namjoon had pretended not to hear, just for his sake.

“She particularly likes tuna. You wanna feed her?”

Jeongguk didn’t tell him that he’s been feeding her for over two months now. He listens to Namjoon talk about cats, then dogs, then something else about animals that Jeongguk can’t recall. It’s like Jeongguk knew, deep inside him that Namjoon was it for him.

Then, it was three months of ‘coincidental’ meetups and group hangouts, after Jeongguk found out that Namjoon and Yoongi were best of friends while Jeongguk was friends with Seokjin through a few mutual classes. Jeongguk had only fallen more in love with Namjoon and his anecdotes and his stories and his very very attractive body.

They were friends, but Jeongguk always wanted more, ever since he saw Namjoon hunched over the cat box.

They were in Namjoon’s studio when he first said it. Jeongguk had long since grown habitual to going over in the evenings when he didn’t have dance practice. Namjoon invited him over with bribes of chicken and beer, as if Jeongguk needed a reason.

He remembers lounging on the carpeted floor, listening to one of Namjoon’s tracks. It’s a ballad, unlike the kind Namjoon usually produces and it'd almost Jeongguk cry. The words, the lyrics, sounded all too terribly familiar.

The moon. Namjoon had sung about the moon. His deep voice and the slow beats had gone well together. In the cold of his studio, Namjoon had sung about the waning and waxing of the moon, how it felt much like falling in and out of love.

Complete. And, then, incomplete.

Namjoon had cradled his wet cheeks, a wide smile on his face. “Jeongguk, this is how I feel about you.”

For them, things had always been more subdued. Like linking pinkies at a party or rushed kisses behind closed doors. They were always quiet, always mellow about their love and Jeongguk had grown to like it that way. Namjoon taught him everything there was to know about love.

The pain, the longing, the relief to feel when they were finally together.

Namjoon was the one that taught him about love and Namjoon was the one that taught him about heartbreak.

The suspicions finally begin to crawl up Jeongguk's spine when he finds Namjoon's lyric notebook on the kitchen counter. It's like Namjoon's diary and reading it would be a terrible hinderance of privacy, but Jeongguk just takes a peak.

The moon. Namjoon has written about the moon. But, this time, it's different. It's not for Jeongguk, it's for Kim Taehyung.

It's written in the margin. A word circled with a blue pen. Ask Tae what he thinks.Jeongguk shuts the book and turns away.

The irrational switch in Jeongguk's body is switched on. It's always nearly twelve when Namjoon gets home. He's always on the phone, texting and laughing. Sometimes, Jeongguk even finds a text from Taehyung.

I had so much fun recording Joonie ^^ you're such a darling!! Are we still on for tonight?

Jeongguk tries to tell himself. You're just being silly, there's nothing going on, you're just an idiot-

But, sometimes, it's difficult to lie to yourself when the truth is right there, in front of his eyes.

Jeongguk wakes up with a new kind of energy thrumming through his veins. It’s excitement and anticipation that fuels Jeongguk to push himself out of bed, even though it’s a little too early. He jumps out of the bedroom, but slows down at the sight of the guest bedroom door being open.

Namjoon's up already? Huh. Namjoon isn’t usually awake so early, especially on a Saturday. Maybe he’s up for…

The bedroom is empty. Pillows neatly stacked and duvet adjusted. Jeongguk sighs, half in frustration and disappointment. Namjoon isn’t in the living room, drinking coffee or skimming through the morning paper like Jeongguk expected. He’s not there.

There’s a new pot of hot coffee on the kitchen counter with a mug set out. Jeongguk tries not to think about Namjoon not being there on his birthday and drinks his coffee in a silence that’s grown familiar to him.

When Jeongguk checks his phone, there are a million messages from Jimin and twice as many from Hoseok. Yoongi, as usual, has left him a very long and sweet text, that if Seokjin heard about, he’d definitely be jealous.

However, none of these things are enough for Jeongguk to keep from feeling a deep pit in his stomach. There’s nothing from the person Jeongguk was looking forward to hearing from.

It’s okay. Anyway, wishing your spouse through text is pretty fucked up, right? He’ll call soon. Jeongguk tells himself, among many other things. He’s trying a lot not to panic over such an inane thing, especially when he knows there’s a high possibility that Namjoon is at work. When Namjoon’s at work, he doesn’t like doing anything but work.

While it’s a habit of Namjoon’s that Jeongguk has come to greatly admire over the years, he can’t help but feel a little resentful about it.

There’s no time to mope about it, though. Jeongguk only turns thirty-two once and it’s a day he’s looking forward to. Jimin invites him for breakfast to an expensive place they can only dream of visiting once.

“You spoil me too much, hyung.” Jeongguk says, clinging to Jimin’s arm, as he openly gawks at the lines of food. “Seriously, this is- “

“Oh, come on. This is the least I could do for your adorable ass.” Jimin says, rolling his eyes as he leads them to a table in the far corner. Jeongguk might be biased, but it’s the best view in the restaurant. “You never let me take you out anywhere, so let me at least do it once a year.”

“I don’t like it.” Jeongguk mutters, after Jimin finishing ordering for them. “The whole spoiling thing, you know. It’s a bit… too much. Not that I’m complaining! Hyung, really, this means the world. But, even if we would’ve spent the whole day in our pajamas at your place, it would’ve been a lot.”

Jimin cocks his head, observing Jeongguk closely. His gaze isn’t that affectionate anymore. “You weren’t like this in college. You loved being spoiled and all that stuff. You know, baby of the group, Jeon Jeongguk.” Jimin chuckles, shaking his head. “You changed so much after you got married.”

For a second, Jeongguk’s smile slips. Jimin’s tone isn’t scolding or accusing, but his words are all the more scathing. He doesn’t reply, taking a sip out of his coffee. He can feel the heat of Jimin’s gaze on him.

“Namjoon doesn’t like it.” Jeongguk mutters, and he puts a full stop to wherever the conversation might’ve been going.

Even though the talk flows steadily, Jeongguk notices the slight awkwardness. Jimin knowingly overstepped a boundary that was sensitive for Jeongguk and Jeongguk opened his mouth a little too much. Still, it’s an enjoyable morning, a wonderful opening to Jeongguk’s special day.

Jeongguk still pays for half the bill because it’s a habit. Jimin doesn’t comment or protest much, reading the room well. As they step out and Jeongguk is about to bid him goodbye, Jimin draws him back, a big grin on his face.

“Jeongguk, darling,” He starts and Jeongguk already doesn’t like where this might be going. “How long has it been since you’ve visited a club?”

Jeongguk blinks. “Huh? Um… it’s been a while…”

Truth be told, Jeongguk can’t remember. He used to love clubbing in college. Friday nights spent dressing up with Jimin and Hoseok in front of his dorm room mirror to go out dancing, are still some of Jeongguk’s fondest memories of them together.

Needless to say, his interests clashed with Namjoon’s, when they started dating. Namjoon liked spending his time going to poetry readings and the local bonsai class, while Jeongguk loved hanging out with Jimin’s tattooed friends in dark alleyways and the occasional escapades.

Jeongguk didn’t even realize that he gradually stopped doing things that he really enjoyed. But, if Jeongguk is being honest, he would’ve picked Namjoon over anything back then.

“This is perfect, then!” Jimin exclaims. “We’re going out tonight. No specific time because anywhere we go, we’re fashionably late.”

“I don’t know…” Jeongguk trails off. “It’s been some time. I don’t even know if I can dance anymore.”

“Oh, come on, Jeon Jeongguk. Do I need to remind you of who you are? You were the youngest dance captain at Konkuk! For three whole fucking years! Even Hoseok couldn’t dethrone you for so long. There’s no way you’ve ‘forgotten how to dance'.” Jimin says, using air quotes. He loudly groans in frustration.

“Okay, fine. Seokjin-hyung told me not to say anything, but since you won’t budge, I’ll let you know. We rented out a club, bouncer and everything, open bar. All that jazz. There’ll be alcohol, loud music, your best friends, Jeongguk, has this won you over yet or not?!”

Jeongguk’s eyes widen as he slowly processes Jimin’s words. “You did all that for me?”

“What do you mean, for you? Any one of us would destroy the world for you and you know it, kid. Now, come on. Just forget about your dumb morals for one day and just make us happy, okay?” Jimin says, nudging Jeongguk, who’s staring at him with an open mouth.

“Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck!” Jeongguk screams, tightly hugging Jimin, who just laughs into his shoulder. “I love you guys so much, you have no idea.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Jimin brushes it off, but he’s smiling. “I’ll text the address on the group. I’ll pick you up!”

Jeongguk can’t remember when he was last this enthusiastic about stepping out. He’s especially excited because it’s been a while since he’s spent some time with his best friends. Going out and dancing sounds like a wonderful change.

He’s not sure if Namjoon would like to come along, though. Namjoon has never been a big fan of clubbing, but hopefully, he can make an exception for tonight.

By the time the evening falls, Jeongguk is nearly vibrating out of his own skin. For the first time in years, Jeongguk sits in front of his mirror, a YouTube video playing on how to do makeup. He has never been good with makeup, but there’s no better time than today to learn.

After the basic makeup, Jeongguk pulls out the unopened tube of lip gloss. It’s the same shade as the one he wore when he broke up with Hoseok. It’s too bad that Jeongguk’s favorite shade has such a memory attached to it. Jeongguk uncaps it, applying a thin layer. He doesn’t look much different, but Jeongguk feels particularly confident.

It’s going to be a good night, Jeongguk is sure of it.

Raiding his closet turns out to be a tougher ordeal than anticipated. Jimin asked him to dress sleek and sexy, as if that’s a normal dress code.

Looking at himself in the mirror isn’t painful anymore.

Jeongguk makes sure to send a quick text to Namjoon about the party. Although he knows that expecting a response is like waiting for the world to stop spinning on its axis, it would be validating. Jeongguk hasn’t heard from Namjoon in a while, and he’s honestly starting to get worried.

Jeongguk’s inner voice tells him to hold his head high. He’ll be there. Don’t stress about it and ruin your special day. So, Jeongguk does that, grabs his stuff and walks out of his house to find Jimin waiting for him in front of his fancy car.

“Nice ride, Park!” Jeongguk screams from across the street. Jimin just laughs, waving him over. The ride over to the club is nothing short of chaos. They pick Seokjin and Yoongi up on the way, Seokjin calling dibs on AUX chord and they scream to the songs on Seokjin’s secret playlist.

Jeongguk hasn’t smiled or laughed this much in a while and he knows there’s nothing that can ruin his night. Probably.

“What about Hobi-hyung?” Jeongguk asks, when they’re getting out of the car. “Isn’t he coming?”

“He insisted on getting everything ready for today. I don’t know if Jimin told you, but this was his idea.” Seokjin says, a little absentmindedly as he fixes his hair in the car’s window.

“That’s so sweet of him.” Jeongguk says, grinning. Yoongi holds the door open for him.

Even at first glance, the décor is a lot. Streamers and a big giant banner that says HAPPY BIRTHDAY KOO hangs from the ceiling. Hoseok is dressed in a suit, the biggest smile on his face.

“Hobi-hyung!” Jeongguk screams, jumping into Hoseok’s arms. “Thank you, thank you, thank you!” He hears Hoseok laugh and pressing a kiss to his forehead.

“You’re welcome, honey. Now, come on, let’s get drunk!”

The drinks are passed around when the music starts booming. Jeongguk gets drunk way too easily and he’s almost out in a couple of drinks. From the corner of his eye, he sees Yoongi and Jimin dancing together while Seokjin just downs shots at a frightening pace. Hoseok mans the bar, moving his body to the music whenever it gets louder.

He gets to the bar and turns his phone on. Despite the fun he’s having, Jeongguk only feels crushing disappointment when he opens up his phone to no messages. He hasn’t heard from Namjoon in hours.

“Hey, birthday boy.” Hoseok says, sliding Jeongguk a drink. “You don't look quite so… birthday-y.”

“Yeah…” Jeongguk trails off. “Never mind. It’s a little silly.”

Jeongguk hears Jimin’s high pitched giggle from beside him. Hoseok frowns. “Is everything okay?”

Jeongguk hesitates. It’s been a good night so far and the last thing Jeongguk wants is to sound ungrateful. He just waves it off and from Hoseok’s look, he knows he’s barely convinced his best friend. There’s an itch in the back of his mind that’s reminds Jeongguk that Namjoon hasn’t called, hasn’t texted or even replied to his text.

Jeongguk runs his index finger along the rim of his shot glass. Through the haze of his drunkenness, Jeongguk’s brain suddenly has no filter and he’s forced to think of everything he’s afraid of when he’s sober.

Namjoon actually forgot his birthday. Jeongguk feels sick to his stomach. There’s no explanation for why he isn’t there, why he didn’t even bother reading Jeongguk’s text or check the group chat. Like always, it’s just work, work, work. Jeongguk should’ve expected it, given how everything has been, but it still hurts all over again.

They’ve been married for five years and in none of those five years, has Jeongguk ever forgotten Namjoon’s birthday.

He downs another shot and Hoseok gives him a worried look.

“Jeongguk, I think you should- “

“Hyung, come on. Let’s go dance.”

The music is thumping. Jimin drags out Seokjin onto the dance floor while Yoongi takes sips of his drink at the bar. Jeongguk can tell Hoseok is a bit reluctant, but he lets Jeongguk take his hand. Jeongguk knows the misery is probably written all over his face because the first thing Hoseok asks him is:

“Gguk, are you sure you’re okay?”

Jeongguk shakes his head, burying his face in Hoseok’s shoulder. The tears are burning in the back of his eyelids, threatening to spill, but he doesn’t want to make a scene. He wants to enjoy this for however long it lasts, before the truth dawns him completely and he’s left to fall down a dark hole.

“Jeongguk…” Hoseok mutters, his hands on the small of Jeongguk’s back. “Is this about Namjoon?”

Jeongguk stiffens. “How… how did you know?”

“You only look this upset when it’s about Namjoon.”

“Fuck.” Jeongguk whispers and there are tears running down his face. “Fuck. I think I want to go home.”

“Are you sure? Jeongguk, it’s not even midnight yet- “

“Please. Please, I just need to get home. I’m sorry.” Jeongguk says, shaking his head. “You guys can stay, I don’t- I don’t want to sound ungrateful. Thank you for everything. But, I can’t stay here any longer.”

Hoseok nods, his gaze sympathetic and understanding. “Okay. Let’s say goodbye to everyone and I’ll get you home, okay?”

Seokjin and Jimin are too drunk to understand anything and Yoongi just gives him a big, tight hug. Even on the way to Hoseok’s car, Jeongguk is quieter than usual and even Hoseok doesn’t try to get him to talk. Jeongguk curls up in the passenger seat of Hoseok’s car, staring out of the window.

He’s never felt emptier.

There’s a lot of things that Namjoon forgets. Appointments, meetings, even dates. But, never ever has he forgotten a birthday. Jeongguk squeezes his eyes shut. It was futile and stupid to hold onto any hope that Namjoon would show. Rather, it was futile and stupid to think that Namjoon still cares.

Things have been changing a lot, but it’s just now that Jeongguk is starting to realize that it’s all for the worse.

“Jeongguk.” Hoseok says, turning around a corner. “Take it easy.”

“I think I’m going to cry.” Jeongguk says, burying his face into his hot palms. “I feel a little sick.”

“Don’t waste so much of your energy on Namjoon. He’s not worth it. Take care of yourself.”

“That’s my husband you’re talking about, you know.”

“The same one you’re crying over?”

Jeongguk laughs, bitterly. Something about Hoseok’s comment just stings, even though Jeongguk is fully aware that there's some thin vein of truth there. He’s just not in the mood to here it. “Just get me home, Hoseok.”

Thankfully, for the both of them, Hoseok doesn’t say anything for the rest of the ride while Jeongguk tries to keep to himself. He has a raging headache knocking in the back of his skull that probably isn’t going to abandon him for the rest of the night.

“We’re here.” Hoseok says, stopping in front of Jeongguk’s building. “You know if you need anything you can call me, right?”

“I know.” Jeongguk says, softly. “Thank you.”

Hoseok gives him a smile and waves him goodbye. Jeongguk feels stripped bare as he gets out of the car and rides the elevator up to his house. Jeongguk doesn’t know what he’s going to do. For so many years, so much of his life has revolved around Namjoon. From rescheduling his own appointments to be home early to rejecting his interests to cater more to Namjoon’s.

Jimin has often commented about how unhealthy it was for Jeongguk to do so, and to a large extent, Jeongguk is aware. But, the only reason he did it was just because he wanted Namjoon to love him. Jeongguk would’ve done anything for Namjoon to love him.

It’s part of the reason why Jeongguk hasn’t given up hope. They’ve both worked and sacrificed a lot to get where they are right now. Jeongguk doesn’t want it all to be for nothing.

There’s only so much Jeongguk can take, though, till it all starts to feel like a pair of hands around his neck growing tighter and tighter and tighter. There’s only so much he can take until he breaks, until everything Namjoon does and says starts to feel like a slap to the face.

Jeongguk stands in front of the door, wondering what he’s going to say first. If he’s going to scream, if he’s going to cry or if he’s going to pack a bag and leave for Jimin’s place. Jeongguk can hear Namjoon moving around in the living room, the sound of plates clanging that immediately stop when Jeongguk turns the key.

His heart has crawled up to his chest by the time the door flies open. Namjoon is frozen in place, eyes slightly widened as his gaze goes over Jeongguk’s form. It makes Jeongguk’s cheeks warm. Jeongguk closes the door behind him after he enters, choosing not to speak before Namjoon does. He hears Namjoon clear his throat.

“Where, um… where were you?”

“Didn’t you get my message?” Jeongguk asks, truly surprising himself when he doesn’t sound as hysterical as he did in his head. “I sent you three.”

“I broke my phone.” Namjoon says, rubbing a hand over his face before he breaks off into a chuckle. “Actually, Taehyung broke my phone.”

“What?”

Jeongguk is suddenly aware of his racing heartbeat in his ears. Namjoon looks at him with a blank stare. Suddenly, all the calm from before escapes Jeongguk and he’s left feeling like his heart has been ripped out of his chest.

“You were with Taehyung?”

“Yeah… we were supposed to record two songs from his album today. Damn, it went so well, he has a really great voice and he’s so professional, too. It’s like- Jeongguk, are you alright?”

No, no, no, I’m not alright. I feel like I’m going to die because you keep talking about this fucking Kim Taehyung, even on my fucking birthday and I just want to cry-

“I’m fine. I’m going to bed.” Jeongguk says, instead. He sounds just as empty as he feels. “Goodnight.”

Jeongguk shrugs off his coat, passing past Namjoon, who observes him as he goes into what used to be their shared bedroom. It means nothing to Jeongguk anymore.

He wonders if he’ll ever miss this place if he leaves.

Jeongguk sits by the edge of his bed, mulling over what he just thought. If I leave. It doesn’t even rise a reaction out of Jeongguk. He thought divorce might’ve felt like a tough decision, something to be stirred over for days on end. He knows it’s a tough thing, but Jeongguk feels nothing, not even the tiniest bit of misery.

Jeongguk never thought it would’ve ended like this when they first started dating. Hell, Jeongguk hadn’t even though about an end back then. They were both terribly enamored with each other, so starry-eyed and so in love. It’s almost like a foreign Jeongguk and Namjoon. Jeongguk wouldn’t even recognize them anymore.

They’re done. There’s no way around it. It’s something Jeongguk has been trying to run from, but you can’t hide from the truth.

Without thinking, Jeongguk grabs his phone and dials Yoongi’s number. Hyung will know what to do. It takes a while for him to answer and with every ring, Jeongguk’s heart sinks further into his stomach. He knows that he hasn’t this through, that through the alcohol that is numbing his system is masking the regret he’s going to feel tomorrow morning.

But, there’s no time to take it back when Yoongi finally answers the phone, a loud and high-pitched giggle that first greets him.

“Hey, bun.” Yoongi grumbles. “Just hold on a second, let me get hyung into bed- damn it, stop kicking me!”

Despite everything, it makes Jeongguk laugh.

“He’s an absolute fucking menace, Jesus.” Yoongi mutters, but the fondness in his voice is unmistakable. It makes Jeongguk stiffen and he remembers why he called Yoongi in the first place. He feels cold all over again.

“Yeah, what’s- hey, you alright? Don’t think I didn’t notice you were feeling down. Is everything okay?”

“It’s…” Jeongguk trails off. “It’s why I called.”

“Oh, okay.” It’s impossible to miss the worry in Yoongi’s voice. “Take your time, okay? There’s no pressure.”

“Hyung…” Tears burn in the back of his eyes. “Do you, um… would you happen to have any divorce lawyers in your friend circle?”

The silence on the other side of the phone is almost deafening and Jeongguk bites his tongue. Maybe he’s said a little too much and-

“Yeah, I know a few.” Yoongi says, words soft around the edges. “They’re expensive, but good. Do you want me to send you a few numbers?”

Jeongguk sniffles, running his head through his hair. “I don’t know. I don’t even know why I called, and I’m really sorry for being such a bother- “

“Stop. You’ll never be a bother, okay?” Yoongi assures, like he always does. Jeongguk falls onto his back on the bed, squeezing his eyes shut. “Do you want to talk about it?”

He wouldn’t know where to start. If Jeongguk had to remember, he wouldn’t even know when it started. He can’t remember a time when he didn’t feel broken. “Not really. Just… send me the numbers, okay?”

“Okay, bun. I’ll do that. I’m always here if you need to talk.”

“I know you are.” Jeongguk says, curling into his side. “Thank you.”

Jeongguk says his goodbyes and hangs up, the loneliness plaguing him again. The moon's brightness seems dimmed down today and it only makes Jeongguk feel worse. He closes his eyes, still in his party clothes that he hasn’t bothered to change out of. The nausea never dies down.

The first thing Jeongguk acknowledges, when he wakes up in the morning, is the raging headache. He groans, unable to move. His body aches with the exertion of dancing last night, his mind aches with a different kind of pain.

Jeongguk flinches when he remembers the call he made to Yoongi. He needs a pill before he starts thinking about it again.

Jeongguk rests his head against the cold tiles of the shower, the steaming hot water running down his back. He didn’t get enough sleep last night and he has a photoshoot as well. Jeongguk doesn’t know how he’s going to get through it awake.

The unread messages from Yoongi are like a punch to his gut, the numbers staring him accusingly. Jeongguk feels almost sick thinking about it again.

He’s torn. There’s guilt clawing away at his insides at the thought of attempting to make such an important decision by going behind Namjoon’s back, but a part of him is exhausted by all the events of the past year. Unfortunately, the guilt weighs heavier.

Jeongguk gnaws on his lower lip as he pats himself down and gets into his clothes. Facing Namjoon sounds like a impossible task now. Jeongguk is nervous, he’s always nervous around Namjoon, but even more so today.

He can’t look Namjoon in the eye anymore when he feels betrayed.

A fresh wave of anger washes over him. Jeongguk has tried hard not to think about it, but he just can’t let go. Namjoon was with Taehyung on his birthday. Namjoon didn’t even wish him. Jeongguk isn’t the kind to get sentimental over such meaningless things, but it would’ve been nice to get the acknowledgement that Jeongguk has been craving.

Is he wrong to want it? Namjoon always has been a detached kind of person. Not necessarily neglectful but detached. It was a bit bothering that Namjoon never seemed to want the same levels of affection as Jeongguk did. Namjoon never felt the need to be constantly attached to his boyfriend, like Jeongguk did. So, despite knowing all that, Jeongguk still expects.

Is he in the wrong?

Wanting him to pay attention to me once in a while is not a bad thing, Jeongguk’s mind chides. It’s his fault for knowing and still never indulging you.

“Or, maybe, I’m just being stupid like always.” Jeongguk mutters to himself.

He needs a strong cup of coffee.

“Good morning.” Jeongguk hears someone say and it makes him freeze in his step. “Did you sleep well?”

“No. I didn’t. I never sleep well.” Jeongguk says, sounding as bitter as he feels. He gets a box of strawberries from the fridge, avoiding Namjoon’s eyes.

“Oh.” Namjoon says, almost wistful. His demeanor has changed, becoming more mellow and hesitant. Jeongguk can’t place exactly why it unnerves him so much. “I’m sorry about that.”

Yeah. Yeah, you should be. It’s your fault, Jeongguk wants to say, just to see the shocked expression on Namjoon’s face. He doesn’t, though, choosing to keep his mouth shut. It’s impossible to discern what caused the change in Namjoon’s attitude, but he doesn’t want to bother to find out.

“Do you want to get lunch?” Namjoon suddenly blurts out, cheeks flaring a little red when Jeongguk quirks an eyebrow.

“What?” Jeongguk sighs, shaking his head. “I can’t. I have a shoot.”

“Then, what about tonight?”

“I’m meeting up with Hoseok tonight.” Jeongguk says. It’s impossible to miss the way Namjoon’s smile drops and he nearly flinches. “And, besides, you probably must have something with Taehyung, right? You must be quite busy. Let’s reschedule for some other time.”

Jeongguk might be sadistic for thinking this, but he likes their shift in dynamic, when Namjoon’s the one trying to figure out what to say. Jeongguk likes having Namjoon to work for it. He likes being the one leaving Namjoon hanging.

Namjoon looks awestruck before he nods, breaking out of his transfixed state. “Oh… that’s… okay. I’ll, um, I’ll see you later, then.”

“See you.” Jeongguk nonchalantly replies, running a hand through his hair. He hears the chair scraping against the floor as Namjoon leaves the room. He has to physically keep himself from buckling to his knees.

It all finally comes to a head when Yoongi and Seokjin's anniversary rolls around.

Although Jeongguk isn’t much for parties right now, he can definitely admire the homely ambience of the place. Multi-colored streamers hang from the ceiling, a litter of red cups already strewn across the floor that Seokjin will throw a fit about come tomorrow morning and the loud beeping of a microwave that reminds Jeongguk that he’s actually supposed to move.

He takes a step into the house, taking off his shoes and easing into slippers reserved only for their closest of friends. Namjoon stands beside him, his posture a bit clunky and demeanor off. He’s chewing on the corner of his bottom lip, Jeongguk observes. A nervous tick. Jeongguk realizes he might not just be the only one pretending that everything is normal.

They’re immediately greeted by Seokjin and Yoongi who give them big hugs and direct them towards the snacks table. Jeongguk’s headache only worsens as he tries to keep the façade up, but he’s unsure if Namjoon’s buying it. He’s unsure if Namjoon even cares.

There’s some irony hidden in the fact that Jeongguk is doubting his marriage at his best friends' anniversary party. It’s not something he can bring himself to laugh at, though. It’s not amusing in the slightest.

Namjoon’s hands fiddle with the ends of his jacket, like he can’t figure out what to do with them. While past Namjoon would’ve grabbed Jeongguk’s hand in practice, just as easily as they used to do in private, present Namjoon chooses to tuck them away into the pockets of his jeans. Jeongguk’s heart seizes in his chest.

“Ggukie!” Jeongguk hears someone loudly call out, making almost everyone surrounding him and Namjoon give Jeongguk a cursory glance. Jeongguk’s cheeks flush in embarrassment but there’s something akin to relief flooding his insides when he sees Hoseok rushing towards him from the peripheral of his vision.

Jeongguk barely has the time to turn before he’s tackled into a big, friendly, Hoseok-special hug and despite the anchor tugging his heart down into the low pits of his stomach, a small laugh bubbles out of Jeongguk’s mouth as he returns his best friend’s embrace. It feels like, for a second, Jeongguk can breathe. It’s almost pitiful how Jeongguk feels like that in the arms of his ex-boyfriend, rather than his own husband.

“Ah, you look so miserable, Gguk.” Hoseok says, pinching Jeongguk’s cheeks and pulling his face into funny forms. It’s childish and a bit pathetic how it instantly relaxes Jeongguk. “Come on, let me see that beautiful smile.”

“You’re a nightmare.” Jeongguk mumbles but, he smiles, anyway. It’s a long time since he’s smiled for anyone. At least, anyone who wants to see it. The momentary joy starts to ebb away.

“I’m so getting wasted tonight. Namjoon, are you in?”

At the mention of his husband, Jeongguk can’t help but give him a small glance. Namjoon looks angry. Jeongguk’s hand, that somehow ended up in Hoseok’s, gives him a light squeeze.

“Joon?” He meekly asks, almost cautiously. Hoseok has a tight grip on Jeongguk’s arm, eyebrows pinched as he stares down Namjoon. The walls feel like they might be closing in on Jeongguk, heart rising up to his throat. He’s never seen Namjoon like this before. Namjoon, the self-proclaimed pacifist, who’s currently having some kind of wordless battle with Hoseok.

And, when Namjoon finally looks at Jeongguk, it’s with disgust and accusation. His lips are curled downward as his eyes shift from Hoseok to Jeongguk and back again. The strong resolve Jeongguk had been trying to put up merely shatters.

Namjoon has never looked at him with anything that wasn’t affection or love. Even when they had their worst fights, the ones where the nightmare stretched long, neither of them willing to admit to their mistakes, Namjoon never looked at him with such disdain. It’s so foreign because Jeongguk has never seen this side of his husband before. He hates it.

There are tears pricking the corners of Jeongguk’s eyes that threaten to spill out. He’s pathetic, oh so pathetic and all Jeongguk wants to is ask, why are you looking at me like that? What did I do wrong?

The words almost escape his mouth before the doorbell buzzes, almost deafening. Seokjin skips to the door, a newfound enthusiasm in his step and he screams loudly, when the door flies open.

“Happy anniversary!” The person screeches, in a husky baritone, that catches the attention of a lot of people. They are almost as tall as Seokjin, which is quite an achievement. Jeongguk watches on, numbly, unfeeling and uncaring of the sight until the person backs away with a huge smile on their face and Jeongguk gets to see who it really is.

Kim Taehyung.

The model, turned actor, turned singer stands in the doorstep of Seokjin’s house, giving him a big hug. Almost everyone has their gaze trained on the pair, especially on the famous Kim Taehyung, who seems almost oblivious to the attention he’s garnered.

In mildly hidden panic, Jeongguk turns to glance at Namjoon. His heart sinks to his chest to find Namjoon already looking, barely toned down affection and a small grin tugging at his lips. Jeongguk might just throw up, his knees nearly buckling if it wasn’t for Hoseok’s hold on him.

It’s like Jeongguk has completely vanished for Namjoon when Kim Taehyung is in the room.

His mind cruelly reminds him of the text message on Namjoon’s phone. Are we still on for tonight? As Jeongguk stares at Taehyung closely, he sees it. A small, accentuated waist. Sharp features that look like they might be carved out by a god. The inherent sense of style, poise and confidence he exudes without trying hard. He has everything that Jeongguk doesn’t.

Jeongguk can almost picture it. Kim Taehyung and Namjoon, hot and heavy, wrapped up into Taehyung’s silk sheets while Jeongguk waits for him, like a fool, back home. Any semblance of calm that Jeongguk might’ve had has long since been crushed by the meaty hands of jealousy as he watches Taehyung walk up to Namjoon and pull him into his arms.

Namjoon readily returns his hug, patting Taehyung on the back. “It’s good to see you.”

Jeongguk’s toes curl and he’s very much aware of the hole in his sock, the tangled state of his hair. Kim Taehyung looks like he’s stepped straight out of a salon as he coddles Jeongguk’s husband. Jeongguk tastes sand in his mouth.

When much of your confidence depends on the approval of another person, it doesn’t take long for the faux sense of security in oneself to come crushing down, like a tidal wave on a beach. Jeongguk knows his self worth revolves a lot around Namjoon’s perception of him. He knows how much of himself he’s poured into Namjoon’s arms, ready to put together and ready to destroy.

That’s how Jeongguk feels. Destroyed. Like he’s been picked apart, piece by piece. The only thing Jeongguk is capable of doing now is retracting himself from the situation. He eases out of Hoseok’s hold, the noise of Taehyung and Namjoon’s chatter long faded.

At least, he should’ve had the decency not to rub it in my face.

Jeongguk runs into Jimin, who proves a fateful distraction from the ugly emotions churning in his stomach. They make it out to the balcony, collapsing into the lounge chairs. Jimin hands him a cigarette that, on any other day, Jeongguk would’ve turned down. But, it’s been a long day and Jeongguk just wants to stop thinking about Namjoon and that beautiful model.

“Is everything okay?” Jimin asks, tipping his cigarette and Jeongguk watches the ash fall off the end.

If there’s anything Jeongguk loves about his friendship with Jimin, it’s that he can always be honest with the other. Being friends and each other’s saviors throughout college really made sure of that. Still, Jeongguk hesitates. The words don’t come out and maybe, Jimin notices because he doesn’t push.

It takes Jeongguk a second to speak. “I think Namjoon is cheating on me.”

Jeongguk hears a sharp intake of breath. The smell of tobacco attacks his overly sensitive nose but, it’s not that that makes Jeongguk’s eyes burn with tears.

“Fuck.” Jimin says, shaking his head, almost in disbelief. “That’s… that’s fucking messed up.”

“You think?” Jeongguk scoffs, finishing off his cigarette before he throws it off the balcony. There’s an ugly black feeling swirling inside his chest, the kind that demands Jeongguk to go out of the room and slap Kim Taehyung in front of everyone, humiliate the guy like he’s humiliated Jeongguk. But, if Jeongguk does that, wouldn’t he have to do the same to Namjoon?

“It seems so… I never thought Namjoon would…” Jimin trails off. “Fuck. I’m sorry.”

There’s a hole in Jeongguk’s chest where his heart is supposed to be. A large, Namjoon-sized cavity. He never thought Namjoon would do that, either. Yeah, they’ve had their rough patches and long periods of giving each other the silent treatment but, Jeongguk never thought he’d see the day he’d have to learn to come to terms with a cheating husband.

They used to be the happiest people they knew. They used to be the epitome of star-crossed lovers, destined soulmates. Jeongguk and Namjoon used to be happy. It took them a lot of effort to get there and Jeongguk wonders, just when along the journey, did Namjoon stop loving him.

Jeongguk can’t understand why it’s so easy for him to come to terms with it. Namjoon’s alleged infidelity, the involvement of Kim Taehyung, the repeated omissions and lies Namjoon has fed him over this year. Maybe, because, some sick part of Jeongguk had always entertained the possibility.

The long, stretched out hours when Namjoon didn’t come home from work, in the back of Jeongguk’s head, he’d think about it. How Namjoon stopped touching him, how Namjoon stopped loving him, how Namjoon made him miserable.

Their vows to each other, the words they’d said with teary eyes and affection, were long forgotten. Jeongguk can’t even remember what he’d said on the most important day of his life.

“Jeongguk?” Jimin asks, a concerned look on his face. When his thumb brushes Jeongguk’s cheek, Jeongguk finds out about the fresh tear tracks on his face. “Oh, come here, darling.”

The last knot of control Jeongguk had on himself, comes undone. He buries his face in Jimin’s shoulder, unable to hold back the sobs and the tears and the grief. He feels his friend’s arms wrap around him, a feeble attempt at comfort but, it’s more than enough for Jeongguk, who might shatter, if he’s like this for too long.

Every insecurity, every malicious thought Jeongguk has had about himself that he’s somehow managed to curb, starts haunting Jeongguk again. Too fat. Too ugly. Too dumb. Too ditzy. Not good enough. Never good enough. Namjoon had been the one to help him put these destructive thoughts away. He never thought Namjoon would also be the one to release them.

“I’ll kill him.” Jimin mutters, his hand tightening in Jeongguk’s shirt. “I’ll fucking kill that asshole- “

“I’m fine, Jimin.” Jeongguk replies, even though he really isn’t. There’s a knife being twisted in his chest. He might be bleeding all over the place and it’s all Namjoon’s fault. Jeongguk wipes his tears, leaning back into his chair. He can feel Jimin’s eyes on him.

“I’m fine. Really.” Jeongguk says, in his most convincing tone. “We should really be out there, you know?”

Jimin looks skeptical. “Are you sure?”

Jeongguk wipes his eyes with his sleeves, trying to plaster a smile to his face. “Yeah. Stay by my side, okay?”

Jimin nods, giving his hand a light squeeze. They leave the room and Namjoon is nowhere to be seen. Jimin wraps an arm around him, introducing Jeongguk to some new people to attempt to take his mind off the whole situation. But, it falls flat because all Jeongguk can think about is how he can neither see Namjoon nor Taehyung in the room.

The knife is only pushed deeper and deeper. Jeongguk takes shaky breaths, clinging to Jimin, in case he falls. The last thing Jeongguk needs is to make a scene.

“Gguk, have you seen my phone?” Jimin asks, eyebrows scrunched up as he pats his jacket and his pants. “I must’ve left it back there. Give me a second, I’ll be right back.”

Jeongguk gives him a slight nod, leaning against the kitchen counter. It’s surprisingly empty here. It gives Jeongguk a chance to breathe, something he needs a lot, but he should've known better.

“Jeon Jeongguk, right?” A familiar voice asks, and it makes Jeongguk’s toes curl. Kim Taehyung.

It’s just another slap to the face, but Jeongguk tells himself he can take it. He fakes a smile. “That’s me.”

Jeongguk was underestimating how beautiful Taehyung would be up close. Those pictures don’t really do him justice. Too bad for him, Jeongguk feels a hand of disgust wrapping around his throat.

“Um… I feel kind of strange asking this of you, but, um, would you photograph me?”

Jeongguk blinks. “What?”

Taehyung awkwardly chuckles. “Well, I’ve been looking for a photographer for a long time. I just… I couldn’t find someone with the same artistic vision as me, but Joonie showed me the pictures you took and- um, just wow, they’re so beautiful- “

Joonie. Taehyung calls him Joonie. “I’m sorry.” Jeongguk says, coldly. “I can’t do that.”

Taehyung freezes, mid-ramble. “Oh, uh, that’s okay- “

“Good.” Jeongguk says, and he leaves the kitchen, brushing past Kim Taehyung. His husband’s secret lover. Jeongguk could throw up. He finds Jimin outside the kitchen, fiddling with his phone.

“I need to go home.” Jeongguk says. What is home, the question sticks in the air but, Jeongguk isn’t stable enough to find an answer to that question.

“Come on. I’ll drive you.”

When they leave the room, Namjoon is nowhere to be found in the living room. Jeongguk wraps his arms around himself, his skin crawling with disgust and nausea. He sends Seokjin and Yoongi a quick apology for not sticking around, but he’s starting to wonder if anyone will notice. He’s starting to wonder if anyone cares.

The ride back to his house is a quiet one. Jimin is angry for him, a lot. As Jeongguk leaves the car, Jimin even suggests that Jeongguk wait with him, stay over at his place. And, although, Jeongguk wishes he could take him up on that offer, he just needs a cup of coffee and some sleep.

Jeongguk comes home, but it feels like there’s something out of place, something prominent enough that it’s making his skin crawl. Jeongguk makes the coffee halfheartedly, his attention more on the door as he waits for Namjoon to walk in.

Their marriage has always come to the brink of collapsing, but they’ve pushed through it, no matter how difficult. But, it’s come to a head. It’s the moment when the string was pulled so taut, it finally snapped. They’ve been dancing around this for ages, the question lingering in the air like a shackle around their ankles. Are we right for each other?

As the burning hot coffee makes its way down Jeongguk’s throat, he tries to think straight. His chest might be ripped open, his heart in tatters, but he needs to be strong and pull through. Jeongguk needs to get through this in one piece.

The familiar beeping of the keypad sounds out. Jeongguk’s back straightens, his hands wrapping tightly around the mug for some semblance of heat and comfort. He still feels cold all over.

Even though he doesn’t want to, Jeongguk unconsciously glances at the door and he freezes, nails digging into the mug. Namjoon is halfway into the house, coat on one arm, his phone in the other. His eyebrows are drawn, lips pursed as he stares Jeongguk down. Jeongguk could fall apart into two pieces now.

“Why didn’t you tell me before you left?” Namjoon asks, his voice cold.

Jeongguk can feel the tears burning in the back of his eyelids. He runs his thumb along the rim of the cup, unsure of what he should say. The door slams shut behind Namjoon, making Jeongguk flinch hard.

“Did you know how fucking embarrassing it was to look for you and have fucking Jimin, of all people, tell me that you left? Couldn’t you have at least bothered to tell me- “

“You weren’t there!” Jeongguk exclaims, slamming his hand down on the counter. Namjoon looks mildly shocked. “I looked for you in the kitchen and the living room, even hyung's bedroom, for fuck's sake! You just weren’t there. It’s not my fault.” Jeongguk shakes his head to keep the tears from falling. “I just wanted to be home.”

You were probably off fucking Kim Taehyung, Jeongguk wants to say.

“I talked to Taehyung.” Namjoon says, crossing his arms. “He said you turned down his offer? What the fuck, Jeongguk?”

Namjoon sounds angry, angrier than he usually does. There’s a bad taste in Jeongguk’s mouth from having heard Taehyung’s name from Namjoon’s mouth. He hates it, he hates it so much.

“Why? I didn’t want to do it, so I said no. What’s the problem?”

Namjoon glowers. “I put in such a good fucking word for you! Do you have any idea, just what it is, you’ve turned down?!” Namjoon is screaming at him and Jeongguk can feel his sadness starting to slowly ebb away, a newfound rage taking its place. “This could’ve made you into what you wanted for your career! Do you even know how much of a high-profile celebrity he is?”

“Well, fucking forgive me for not wanting to photograph the slut my husband is sticking his dick into and pretend everything is okay! Forgive me for not wanting to be more humiliated than I already am!”

A headache knocks on the side of Jeongguk’s head and he’s well aware of the rush of blood in his ears. Namjoon’s eyes widen as he processes Jeongguk’s words.

“What?” Namjoon asks, voice soft with confusion. “What did you just say?”

“I know about you and Kim Taehyung.” Jeongguk says, shaking his head in an attempt to try and stop the tears. He wanted to look strong for this, but he’s already starting to shatter. “I should've guessed so long ago, but I was just waiting for something. I was just waiting for you to come back to me. Should’ve fucking known you were too far up his ass for that.”

“You rarely come home, and any time you are home, you’re stuck to that fucking phone of yours. God! You’re not even any good at hiding it, Namjoon!” Jeongguk takes into account, Namjoon’s stunned expression before he continues. “You’re the most awful fucking liar I’ve met in my entire life.”

Jeongguk’s chest is tightening, his grip on the counter starting to loosen with how sweaty his palms are.

“I should’ve known.” Jeongguk says, the strong resolve he’d been trying to put up crumbles before his eyes. “I should’ve known there was someone else when you stopped talking to me about anything in your life and when you forgot my fucking birthday, of all days. Fuck.”

Tiny sobs escape from Jeongguk’s mouth as he tries not to collapse on the spot. “How could you do this to me? Did you even think about how I would feel?”

“Did you even care?”

It’s a surprise to Jeongguk how he hasn’t passed out till now.

“I’m not having an affair.” Namjoon says, looking mildly in disbelief. “How dare you, of all people, accuse me of shit like that?”

“The fuck do you mean, me, of all people?”

Namjoon scoffs. “I’m not the one spreading his legs for Jung Hoseok.”

“What the fuck?” The tears streaming down Jeongguk’s face have cooled, leaving Jeongguk hyperaware of everything. “What did you just say?”

“Do you think I’m blind, Jeongguk? All these hugs and all these calls and all those lovely good morning text messages, that you won’t even send me, your fucking husband, and you expect me to believe that you’re just friends?”

“He’s my best friend!”

“He’s your ex-boyfriend first!” Namjoon sounds angry, so angry and sad and pathetic. Jeongguk feels himself recoil at the words, and he’s drowning in rage and distaste and Jeongguk just wants to curl up into a corner and sob.

He wants to ask Namjoon a question. Why don’t you trust me? Why didn’t you ask me? But, Jeongguk has been doing the same thing. Jumping a million conclusions without any strings.

“I see the way he looks at you.” Namjoon starts, voice cracking. “And, I see the way you look at him, god.” Namjoon’s eyes are downcast, his hand curled into his jacket. “What wouldn’t I give to have you look at me like that?”

Jeongguk opens his mouth to reply with something, anything, but he comes up short. What can he even say when faced with such an accusation?

“Your birthday…” Namjoon says, shaking his head. “I didn’t forget. Of fucking course, I didn’t forget. I even showed up. I was waiting outside the club, trying to call you and- “ Namjoon tenses, taking a breath. “I saw you. With Hoseok. And, I can’t… I can’t remember what happened, but I saw his arm around you, and…”

Jeongguk knows how the rest of the story goes.

“I didn’t come inside.” Namjoon finishes. “Because, that was the night I truly started believing that you were having an affair.”

There’s a cold settling down in Jeongguk’s stomach. All this while, Jeongguk’s whole issue with Namjoon is that he’s oblivious. Oblivious about when Jeongguk wants to hold his hand or go on a walk with him or have sex with him. But, all Jeongguk can think about is that Namjoon has been noticing. Just the wrong things.

“I couldn’t watch you with him today. It just… it hurt. It really fucking hurt.” Namjoon runs his hands through his hair, evidently distressed, but Jeongguk can’t help but look at the ring.

“I know how great you guys were together.” Namjoon says. “Jung Hoseok and Jeon Jeongguk, the power couple of Konkuk. I never even found out why you broke up in the first place, but to me, it didn’t even matter. I just knew I would never be good enough for you, like Jung Hoseok was.”

An itch crawls up Jeongguk’s spine, and he can feel the tears start to run down his face again. He wants to reach out for Namjoon, tell him none of that’s true and that he and Hoseok broke up because they weren’t compatible. Hoseok loved him too much and Jeongguk didn’t love him enough.

But, Namjoon doesn’t like being touched when he’s upset or crying. Jeongguk keeps his distance.

“I just wanted to make you angry.” Namjoon says, wistfully. “I wanted to piss you off the way you pissed me off when you kept seeing Hoseok, even when I told you I didn’t want it. He’s in love with you, Jeongguk. I know you probably don’t see it, but he hasn’t stopped loving you since college. He was trying to fuck everything up between us then and he’s doing the same now.”

“He’s my friend, Namjoon!” Jeongguk exclaims, feeling a sadistic kind of pleasure to seeing Namjoon’s expression contort into an angry one. “You don’t like it when I say such things about Kim Taehyung, some random guy you met a few months ago, but you throw some vile accusations about my closest friend and I’m just supposed to keep my mouth shut?!”

“I’m not asking you to stop going out with him or whatever it is you guys do, all I’m asking is to lessen it- “

“No.” Jeongguk says, cutting Namjoon off. Namjoon looks stunned. “If I do that, then you have to stop meeting with Kim Taehyung.”

“That’s different. Taehyung is work.”

“I don’t want to stop seeing him, then!” Jeongguk exclaims. “I’ve spent this whole marriage listening to you and forgetting about my autonomy, just so we could last a few years more. I don’t want to listen to you anymore.”

The worst thing about Namjoon being angry is that Jeongguk can’t tell what he’s thinking. He becomes unreadable. It scares Jeongguk to be unable to read him. Unpredictability scares Jeongguk. He’s a second from bursting at the seams.

“Do you know what your problem is?” Namjoon asks, and Jeongguk is already ready to defend himself. Namjoon is going to say something mean and rude and it’s going to stick to Jeongguk’s skin like a leech for days to come.

“You don’t know what’s good for you.”

The breath is sucked out of Jeongguk’s lungs in a second.

“Do you really think that standing up to me is somehow proving your independence? I’m trying to tell you that Hoseok isn’t any good for you. He just wants to fuck you, Jeongguk.” Namjoon’s voice is cold, foreign. It makes Jeongguk shiver. “I’m not challenging your autonomy by- “

“By what? Trying to control who I see and then getting angry when I do the same?”

“Fine. Do whatever you want. See if I care. This marriage is dead, anyway, so why not go all the way, huh?” Namjoon scoffs, and his words are like shrapnel to the chest. “You want a divorce? We’ll get one.”

Jeongguk stares at Namjoon. “What?”

“Do you want to get a divorce?” Namjoon asks, but his voice doesn’t hold the same kind of resentment like before. He just sounds resigned, tired.

When they’d first started dating and they couldn’t have been more enamored with each other, Jeongguk remembers fondly asking Namjoon, “Hyung, what are we doing to each other?” Namjoon has only laughed.

“Only something good.”

And, as Jeongguk stands in front of Namjoon today, he wants to ask the same question. What are we doing to each other? The rage is starting to simmer down, and Jeongguk is slowly starting to realize just what it is that Namjoon asked him.

“I think I’m going to go to bed.” Jeongguk says, walking away from Namjoon, who doesn’t stop him. He walks to the bedroom, which only Jeongguk has been living in for months and pushes the door open. Jeongguk hears Namjoon shuffling around in the living room.

Against all his better judgement, Jeongguk leaves the door open.

He doesn’t know what to expect. Maybe he’s being too naïve and hopeful. Jeongguk gets out of his clothes slowly, but he’s been feeling this bare all night. He blindly pulls on some clothes, glancing at the door from the corner of his eye from time to time, just to check if Namjoon’s coming.

Probably not, Jeongguk’s brain supplies. After you just accused him of cheating on you with no prior proof, why would he want to be anywhere near you? Jeongguk’s heart uncomfortably thuds in his chest and he grips the brush tighter.

Then, he hears it. The creak of the bedroom door. Jeongguk straightens, but doesn’t say anything when Namjoon files into the bathroom behind him.

They do something they haven’t do in a while. They get ready for bed together. Jeongguk doesn’t speak and neither does Namjoon. The silence is both uncomfortable and comfortable, at the same time, but it feels like the worst has already passed.

Looking at Namjoon doesn’t feel like picking at the bleeding wound anymore.

When they get under the sheets, they’re both on the opposite ends of the bed. It slowly starts to dawn on Jeongguk that he’s not the only one scared, that it wasn’t just Jeongguk who was losing his husband. The itch of tears start again and Jeongguk quickly gets on his side, his back to Namjoon. He doesn’t want Namjoon to feel like he’s obligated to comfort Jeongguk.

It’s a warm night, but Jeongguk is freezing. There’s a shiver making its way through his body and Jeongguk has to keep himself from moving too much, unless Namjoon finds out. Jeongguk squeezes his eyes shut, his fingers curling into the duvet.

Jeongguk doesn’t register the arms curling around him at first, until Namjoon is holding him tight, his face buried in Jeongguk’s shoulder. Jeongguk can hear Namjoon’s stuttered breaths, his shaking hands that are on his waist.

“What are we doing to each other?” Namjoon whispers, and Jeongguk can only shake his head.

“I don’t… I don’t know.” Jeongguk says, and he sounds just as helpless as he feels. Namjoon's nose digs into his shoulder blades and it's taking Jeongguk his everything to keep from crying. All this time that Jeongguk has spent being angry and hateful and tired, what he hasn't realized is that they're being poisoned as well. Slowly, bit by bit.

Jeongguk never knew how unhealthily dependent he was on Namjoon, and Namjoon, on him. Maybe it's a bad thing that they're both rely on each other to the point that it's starting to kill them.

“Don't leave me.” Namjoon whispers, his tears soaking the back of Jeongguk's shirt. Jeongguk’s heart shatters inside his chest. “Please, don't leave me.”

In their five years of marriage and two years of dating, Jeongguk has never heard Namjoon break like this. He's always been cool friend, cool boyfriend, cool husband Namjoon. He's always been Jeongguk's anchor in a stormy sea, his rock in a place of turmoil.

Perhaps, that's the place where Jeongguk's insecurities most stemmed from. The thought that Namjoon never really needed him the way Jeongguk needed him, that it was always Jeongguk who was needy and bratty and constantly needing attention.

Namjoon is good enough on his own. Jeongguk isn't sure if he feels that about himself.

But, this isn't just about him anymore. It's about Namjoon and the two of them together. Jeongguk can't let them collapse again. Jeongguk lets his hands trail to where Namjoon's are on his waist and squeezes them gently.

“I won't. I swear I won't.” Jeongguk says, and he hears Namjoon sigh in relief.

“Okay.” Namjoon replies, his voice watery and low. Jeongguk wonders if Namjoon is going to say I love you. But, he doesn't and Jeongguk doesn't, and maybe just like everything else, it's gone unsaid.

If Namjoon's tight hold on him is anything to go by, there's no doubt in Jeongguk's mind about how Namjoon feels about him.

Their morning is a little quiet. They brush side by side, shirts rustling and water running in a low trickle. Jeongguk doesn't know how he's supposed to feel, if he's allowed to bring up the events of last night or not. Just to be safe, he doesn't say anything.

It's nothing new to be walking on his tiptoes around Namjoon and it definitely isn't anything new to stir in his head, worry and overthink everything. But, Jeongguk now knows, they're both on the same page.

That's a little tinge of relief amongst everything else.

It's easy to fall back into habit. Jeongguk makes coffee as Namjoon takes a shower. He sets out some biscuits, cuts up some fruit, like he hasn't done in ages. Jeongguk used to love taking care of people and he used to love spoiling Namjoon like that, too. Maybe that's something that has remained unchanged.

Namjoon's words from last night ring in his ear. Don’t leave me. It sounded like he'd genuinely believed Jeongguk was going to up and leave. At some point, though, Jeongguk does know that Namjoon was right.

Jeongguk wonders what things would’ve been like if he’d acted on his whims on his birthday night, if he had left Namjoon like he’d wanted to for forgetting and humiliating him in front of his friends. Would they be happier apart?

The knife stills on the skin of the fruit as Jeongguk takes a deep breath.

They’ll make it work, somehow. They have to. Because, despite the rough years and cold shoulders, he knows that Namjoon still loves him and so does Jeongguk. Jeongguk could never stop loving him.

Even though Jeongguk isn’t paying attention, he can hear Namjoon scuffling behind him, probably overthinking about whether or not he should approach Jeongguk. Jeongguk decides to make the decision for him.

“Here you go,” Jeongguk says, sliding Namjoon the cup of coffee and fruit.

“Oh.” Namjoon doesn’t even bother hiding his surprise. “Thank you.”

“No problem.” Jeongguk mutters, as he pours himself a cup. He takes the seat across Namjoon and he can tell the hesitation is rampant. Should I go first or should you?

“I need to say something.” Namjoon says, and Jeongguk hears the stutter in his words.

“Okay. Tell me.”

“I wanted to say I’m sorry.”

Jeongguk’s hands tighten around his mug.

“I… I accused you of a lot of things yesterday and I didn’t mean any of it. You’re not obligated to forgive me or let me off the hook or anything. I’m not holding you to any expectations at all.” Namjoon takes a deep breath, shaking his head.

“I know an apology hardly cuts it. I shouldn’t have forced Taehyung on you. I shouldn’t have left you alone on your birthday. I’ve been the worst fucking husband by neglecting you and I only did it because I was petty and resentful and…”

The coffee has gone cold and Jeongguk has to squeeze his eyes shut to keep the tears at bay.

“I was so jealous and so angry and I couldn’t look past that to see what I was doing to you. I’m sorry.” Namjoon runs a hand through his hair, like he does when he’s overly distressed. “And, I did go a lot out of my way to see Taehyung because I knew how it would make you feel.”

Jeongguk stiffens. Namjoon’s expression is contorted into one of guilt.

“It wasn’t… it wasn’t the greatest decision I’ve ever made.” Namjoon admits. “But, I want to be honest with you, from now on, and that includes everything. But, I’ll definitely understand if you don’t- “

“It’s not just your fault.” Jeongguk says. “Shit. I just said all these things without even thinking twice, and I’m- fuck, I’m so sorry, Joon. I’m so sorry.” Jeongguk gnaws on his bottom lip, nails digging into the sides of the mug. “I didn’t want to say all these things to you, but I was just so angry- and, I know that’s not… I mean, I’m not trying to make any excuses, but I was just terribly hurt.”

Jeongguk takes a deep breath. “It’s not just you. I should’ve tried to fix things instead of cribbing about it. I’m sorry I didn’t try and I’m sorry I took you for granted. I should’ve known better than to say stuff that would intentionally hurt you. I have just… I’ve been the worst husband. Ever. And, I’m sorry.”

“I assumed a lot.” Jeongguk says. “I assumed things about your character, Kim Taehyung’s character, and I didn’t even think about talking to you before jumping to my conclusions. I ended up fucking everything up so badly and I won’t even be surprised if you’re upset at me and never want to see me again- “

“Hey, hey, hey.” Namjoon says, gently cradling Jeongguk’s face in between his palms. When his thumbs wipe Jeongguk’s cheeks, that’s when he realizes he’s crying. “You’re jumping to conclusions again.”

“Right. Sorry.” Jeongguk sniffles. “I’m sorry.”

“Let’s take a break, okay? Come on.”

Like always, Namjoon knows when something is too much for Jeongguk. They sit at that table for what feels like hours, Namjoon’s hand in his. There’s a large weight that’s been lifted off his shoulders and Jeongguk can finally breathe. If Namjoon has decided to be honest with him, Jeongguk wants to do the same and lay all the cards down on the table.

They sit on the couch, side by side, touching but not really touching.

“I was thinking about asking for a divorce.” Jeongguk says, eyes downcast even when he knows he’s past that point. It shames him that he thought of something like that. He can feel the heat of Namjoon’s gaze of him.

“Oh.” Namjoon says. “What, um, what changed your mind?”

“The ring.” Jeongguk whispers. “I was looking at my ring and I thought, I’d have to give this up if we get a divorce, right? That means, I’ll never have something that ties me to you. I can’t… I won’t be able to cope with that.”

Jeongguk wraps his arms around himself, after he rubs his cheeks free of tears. He cries too easily. “I love you. I know I haven’t done a lot of things to prove that I do, but I love you. Even the thought of being away from you kills me. I can’t not be with you, hyung.”

Namjoon’s fingers lace with his, locked hands on Jeongguk’s knee. “Me neither.”

“It was just a bad time, right?” Jeongguk asks, sounding soft and hurt. “We’re not… we're not…”

Fucked up. Bad people. Falling out of love. Jeongguk buries his face in Namjoon’s shoulder, feeling Namjoon’s arm as it wraps around his shoulders.

“No, we’re not.” Namjoon says, his strong tone offering Jeongguk comfort. “We’re fine. We will be. We’ll figure it out, right?”

“Yeah.” Jeongguk says. The sun is shining and it makes them both look golden. “We will.”