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"So, I say to you, Frodo Baggins, you must take this ring..."
"No way. Uh uh. Bugger that."
"You must! It is written in the stars..."
"Maybe your stars. My stars say dinner, some beer and bed."
"I say to you that the Eldest have seen what must pass before peace comes again. And this ring..."
"Cold chicken."
"What?"
"Cold chicken. And pickles. Maybe some braised mushrooms. A little egg salad. I seem to remember some raspberry tart..."
"Confound it! Do you wish to see the entire Shire and all of its silly inhabitants skewered and toasted like so much day-old bread?"
"Is it true what they say about wizards?"
"...?... What?"
"That their brains pucker? Give or take a thousand years?"
"...!..."
"Just wondering."
"What you need, my dear Mr. Baggins, is a proper swat..."
"Sorry. Too busy. No time. Dinner's waiting. Sorry you couldn't stay..."
"FRODO BAGGINS!"
"Oops..."
"You will take this ring and carry it to Mount Doom and thereby save not only Middle Earth, but your own idiotic hide!"
"But I don't wanna go..."
"Tough."
"But why does it have to be me? What about a nice, thick dwarf..."
"Do you question my perspicacity?"
"Well, no, but... I've never seen you anywhere near a woman..."
"Shut up. And go."
"Make me."
"All right."
Kablammm!
cough "Dawn. I'll leave at dawn..."
snort "Damn right you will."
tbc