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I was supposed to love you then I saw the rain,
I blinked and you were not the same.
Do you love me ?
Cuz I don't know if I love you.
*
Light woke up more than once with his hands around his own throat. More than once, he failed to fall back asleep. More than once, he realized he was scared of this darkness lurking inside of him.
« I have no name for it. » he admited one night to the ceiling.
« I have. » L's monotonous voice had answered « Kira. »
*
Light had no feelings for Misa. He thought about it as she was sorting through her makeup and showing him her last purchase.
« Misa, I have no feelings for you. » he wanted to get up and say.
But he had the feeling the gods would crack this earth open to swallow him whole. So he stayed quiet and played pretend.
Light had no feelings for Misa like he'd had no feelings for his previous girlfriends. Like he'd had no feelings at all in his previous life. Like water on a waterproof coat, life was flowing on Light without touching him. Love was as foreign a concept as compassion was, but for the sake of humanity, he pretended well. He just didn't know why he bothered.
*
At best, he was bored. At worst, there was this ominous anger inside of him, and a weird feeling he couldn't pinpoint. The feeling that he could crush everything in its wake, that he was a tornado or a hurricane. That he would clean the world of its filth and leave it bare.
He couldn't voice his interrogations out loud, because L was constantly next to him, but when the older was showering, Light often looked at his reflexion in the mirror. He looked at his childish face, handsome face, fascinating face, blank face.
(the face of a liar.)
Devoid of emotions, his face was a white canvas when no one was looking. Why bother ? Light wasn't feeling anything. He'd been a brilliant student before becoming a brilliant suspect. There was nothing new and nothing to be surprised of. The only solace came in the form of L.
(L who would be the death of him.)
Sometimes, Light wondered if Lwas the love of his life. He was, after all, what was the closest to giving Light feelings.
*
« Ryuzaki ? » Light had called one day that L was still in the shower.
« Yes ? » came the unbothered voice.
« If I'm Kira, will you execute me ? »
(Me, your nemesis?)
(Me, the only one to be your equal?)
(Me, the love of your life ? )
« Of course. »
Reality cut like a knife.
*
If Light had no compassion, L had no moral. One night, they kissed. It was dark and nothing like what Light had with Misa. No cherry lipstick and sugary fragrance. L initiated it because he had no boundaries. They kissed and they kissed, with the tingling of the chain as an only reminder of how fucked up everything was. Light put his hands on L's throat, just to feel the pulse, and asked in his ear to shield his face from L's uniyeling stares :
« Now if I'm Kira, will you still execute me ? » He asked with a tremor, the fear of death hanging on his tongue.
There was a silver of hope in Light's voice and a moment of stupor in L's silence. Then :
« I will personally put the syringe in your arm. »
Something broke inside of Light. If he'd had emotions, he would have cried.
*
The Yotsuba incident passed like a blur and a welcomed gush of fresh air. L was no longer depressed and using Light as a kissing-punching ball by poor coping mechanism. Things got better. Light believed that he wanted to catch Kira and that he had a chance to redeem himself, had he been Kira in another life. Everyone was revitalized and Light momentarily found a goal in his gray life.
Then he got in the helicopter.
*
« I never meant for things to go that far... »
(Yes you did.)
*
I won.
*
Light was restless like a bad dog. He was released from L's terrible grip and wanted nothing but to be chained to him again.
(Don't you see ? You and I ? )
(We are alike.)
He wanted to grab L and kiss him like they did during the yotsuba case. But now L was all reluctence and warry eyes. When they kissed it was so delicate Light wanted to break things.
(Do you think I'm breakable L?)
(I could kill you with a spin of the wrist.)
Light wanted to kill him. When he was starring at L, lost in his thoughts, he daydream of seeing the man falling to the floor, dead. He would look over his body and smile. He would win again. Everything had worked as he'd planned, everything he'd made was perfect, and so L would die.
(Then why is your heart constricting?)
*
There was still the Light from before inside of Kira, and he realized that if people could see how ugly he really was, he would be unlovable.
*
« I love you » L lied.
« I love you too » Light lied back.
Light would turn L to Kira's cause and they would rule on the world together.
(Would you live for me?)
(Would you die for me ?)
(Would you kill for me?)
Light would again and again and again.
*
The downpour started.
« The bells are quite loud today, aren't they ? »
*
L's body stilled for a moment, the spoon trembling in his fingers. Rem was nowhere to be found and Light was exctatic.
(Don't show.)
(Don't tell.)
He rushed toward L's body, caught him around the shoulders and stopped his magnificent fall. He'd won. Finally. Nothing would get in his path, nothing would bother him anymore. From now on, controlling the police would be a matter of time. He thought about it as he held the body of his dying lover and when he looked down, cruel smile on his face, a tear rolled from his eyes.
*
And after that, it rained and rained and rained.