Archive of Our Own ^beta

It was with a huge sigh that Chengcheng set down the last of his boxes in the doorway of his new apartment. His entire body screamed in pain for his decision to carry all of the last five boxes he had up the stairs, though it wasn’t like he had a better option. The building didn’t have an elevator, only a damp-smelling flight of concrete stairs with rusting railings and some moss growing in some of the cracks.

“Maybe if you didn’t skip out on the gym every single week, you wouldn’t be this winded,” Zeren quipped from where he was standing in the kitchen, helping him organize the dishes he brought yesterday in the cupboards. 

Chengcheng rolled his eyes at him. “Maybe if you didn’t move out, I wouldn’t have to find a new apartment that I could afford on my own, and I wouldn’t even need to move everything in the first place.”

Zeren had been his roommate for three solid years before he had moved out. The two of them had been renting a shitty little place near downtown, but it was near their university and both of their workplaces. And, he thought, looking around at the peeling wallpaper and cracks on the floor and even the ceiling, it was nowhere as shitty as this place. 

“I need to get fucked more regularly,” Zeren said without shame, earning a scowl from Chengcheng. “It was becoming annoying to have to bus for so long to get to Yanchen’s place, or to have to make sure that your fatass wasn’t home.”

“Three years, Zeren,” Chengcheng grumbled. “We were roommates for three years .”

“I’ve been with Yanchen for four,” Zeren shot back. “Technically I should have dumped your ass for him a long time ago.”

Chengcheng shook his head in disbelief. 

A month earlier, Zeren had come home to their shared apartment with a pizza from one of the more expensive places in the city, and on any other evening, Chengcheng would have been ecstatic if not suspicious that his roommate was willingly buying food for the two of them. Turns out, after digging into the pizza, he should have suspected something immediately, as Zeren sat him down and explained that Yanchen had offered again for Zeren to move in with him.

“What?” he had immediately stuttered, then felt ashamed. Yanchen had asked Zeren many times before in the past, but Zeren had rejected on the basis that he wasn’t ready yet, though Chengcheng knew that it was more out of concern for how Chengcheng would fare alone without Zeren to make sure he was alive.

Zeren had looked sympathetic, as if he had been expecting Chengcheng’s reaction. “It’s not because you’re a bad roommate or anything-”

“-you better have not thought that-”

“-but it’s because the both of us think that after four years, it’s time for us to take another step.” Zeren lowered his voice. “He said that he wants to marry me someday, but we can’t do that until we live together for a bit first.”

“Y-yeah. Of course. Congratulations,” he had said sheepishly, then hugged him. “It’ll be lonely without you though.”

“Of course it will,” Zeren sassed, though first ruffling his hair. “Who’ll nag you for being messy and who’ll yell at you to work out and move every once in a while?”

“I’ll tell Yanchen to put all of your stuff on the very top shelves when he’s pissed at you,” he promised. “You midget.”

“Fuck you,” Zeren laughed, then looked soft again. “But are you going to be okay, Chengcheng? I was hoping that this could be an opportunity for you to get out there again and try some new things.”

His tone was careful, and Chengcheng appreciated him for not saying the full story outright. “I’ll be fine,” he had said, smiling in a way that was much more confident than he felt. “I just hope that I can find a place that I can afford on my own.”

Which had led him here, standing between boxes and still unassembled furniture in the shittiest apartment in the entire city. 

Zeren seemed to be thinking the same thing he was. “You really did go for the worst place in the entire city, did you?”

“Fuck off,” Chengcheng grumbled. “This was literally the only place I could afford.”

“You could have moved in with Zhengting.” Zeren began to put spoons and chopsticks away in one of the drawers. “He was going to let you stay at his place for free too.”

Chengcheng grimaced. “Yeah, and listen to his rich boyfriend and him fuck every single night? Yeah, no.”

“But this place is so bad!” Zeren raised an eyebrow at him. “Why didn’t they ever renovate this place? Isn’t the place one of the oldest apartments you were looking at too?”

Chengcheng paused. That was a detail he hadn’t exactly come clear to Zeren about.

After looking at some apartments that didn’t exactly fit what he was looking for-- he couldn’t pay for a lot of the nicer ones with his measly earnings as a movie concessions worker, and the cheaper ones had the creepiest owners or roommates he had ever seen-- he had stumbled across this one little flat. It was decently near the university and the busier parts of the city, and though the place was old and crumbling, the rent was actually very fair for the location. Chengcheng was more surprised that it hadn’t been taken yet. That is, he was until he went to see it with the landlord.

“There’s just one thing with this place.” The landlord, a nice man with a ponytail named Wang Ziyi, had looked nervous when Chengcheng had suggested taking the place. 

“What is it?”

“I personally haven’t seen it happen before… but past residents have said that the place is haunted.”

Chengcheng raised his eyebrows. “Haunted?”

Ziyi hurriedly clarified what he had meant. “I know, it’s a ridiculous idea. But some of my tenants before have complained that strange things happen around the place, like the stove turning on or doors shutting on their own, that kind of stuff.” Then, seeing Chengcheng’s expression, he added, “But it’s never been anything dangerous. The people before just said that it made them anxious, and I can lower the rent a bit even if you’re okay with it. You look like a pretty tough guy.”

Ziyi must have been really desperate, since never in his twenty two years of life had Chengcheng ever heard anyone say that he looked like a tough guy, but his ears perked at the sound of an ever lower rent than the already reasonable amount. “I’ll take it.”

Chengcheng didn’t exactly believe in ghosts, but even if things were weird around the place, he figured that he’d be fine with it all. Besides, Ziyi had lowered the rent even more for him, and he could buy himself better food with the extra money. A ghost was nothing if he could begin to afford actual groceries rather than the discount, weird tasting stuff from the back of the corner store.

It hadn’t come up in the conversation with Zeren, because in the few days that he was moving into the place, he hadn’t seen anything weird like Ziyi had said. And, he couldn’t exactly say oh yeah, I got cut a sick deal because the place is haunted. But don’t worry, I can afford better food now! Zhengting would never let him move into the place if Zeren had gotten word to him. 

“He just said that he had never gotten around to renovating the place,” Chengcheng told him, which wasn’t a lie. Ziyi had just explained that with so few people even wanting to rent after hearing about the supposed ghost, he never thought about touching the place up. “Don’t you have a dance class to teach tonight?”

Zeren gasped, and Chengcheng smirked. “For all the shit you gave me for being lazy, you can’t even remember that you have work. What are you going to do without me , Zeren?”

Zeren shoved the last of the utensils into the drawer and pulled on his jacket. “Yanchen is a responsible boyfriend, he’ll make sure I keep my job.”

“Mhm.” Chengcheng smiled, amused. “Tell him thanks for carrying up all the furniture with me yesterday.”

“It was the least he could do, separating us.” Zeren paused at the door as he slipped on his sneakers. He looked at Chengcheng for a few moments, his sharp features softening for a moment. “Are you sure you’ll be fine, Chengcheng, living alone?”

“It’ll be great, don’t worry about it.” Chengcheng tried to nod reassuringly.

 “I know, you’ll be fine. I’m sorry still for being selfish, but to be honest, I thought that you could use some time to yourself. Maybe use the time to figure some stuff out.” Zeren ended carefully. Chengcheng smiled back.

“Yeah, thanks, Zeren. Go get your stupid boyfriend to drive you to the dance studio.”

But although Zeren had scowled and protested that Yanchen was literally in med school, he couldn’t be stupid, Chengcheng suspected that he wasn’t so convinced that he would be completely fine. After all, Zeren had been there for it all. As his oldest friend, he had seen how Chengcheng had changed, and what he had said at the end was for his own good.

Chengcheng microwaved a cup of water, too tired to unpack the rest of the boxes, and sat at the recently assembled table, looking out at the sunset. What Zeren had said about taking some time for himself weighed on him, like a heavy blanket over his shoulders. 

Hey ghost , he thought, staring at the orange and red of the sun as it lowered across the city line, maybe you should come out .

It was silly, calling out for a ghost that didn’t exist. But even when Zeren had roomed with him, it was still hard to not feel the loneliness creep in, and now that he was gone, the feeling was even more difficult to block out. 

Chengcheng sighed and sipped his water until he fell asleep.

***

He was lucky that he had no morning class the next day, and that his shift started at noon, because when he finally woke up, the sun was well up in the sky, and because immediately, a burning smell hit his nose.

Chengcheng shot up out of his chair, his back and knees cracking from the awkward position he had slept in, and dashed to the source of the smell in the kitchen. 

The stove was burning, the crumbs at the bottom of the burner sending smoke into the air. Chengcheng lunged across the boxes on the floor to turn the thing off, and when he did, promptly slipped on a piece of packing paper on the tiled floor. 

His butt hit the floor, though his lower back and head were spared, narrowly missing hitting the boxes. He groaned, pain racing through his ass though his vision and head were still bleary from sleep. Way to wake up in the morning .

It wasn’t until he was cracking an egg into a pan that he realized what had happened. 

The stove was on.

Chengcheng glanced at the burner that had mysteriously turned on. He hadn’t gone near it the day before, he thought, though Zeren could have easily turned it on accidentally when he was putting away the dishes. Zeren had spent more time in the kitchen than him anyways. 

But something else told him that that wasn’t it. It didn’t make sense that Zeren would even touch the stove when he was putting away dishes and utensils, and that same something else seemed to point him instead to what Ziyi had said to him when he was looking around the house.

Don’t be silly , he thought to himself. Yesterday night, he had mused with the idea of a ghost, though looking back when he wasn’t feeling sentimental and lonely, he recognized that that was childish. Ghosts didn’t exist, though he didn’t exactly have any other reason in his head for why the stove would turn on randomly in the middle of the night. 

He decided to blame it on Zeren. Zeren must have turned it on, there was no other explanation. 

The scent of something else burning jerked him from his thoughts, and Chengcheng looked down to see that his egg was burnt a uniform colour of black on the edges. He sighed, and dumped the egg into the trash.

He would get McDonald’s for breakfast instead.

***

It got harder as the days went on to find reasons for why things happened around the small flat. When he got off work that day, a box he didn’t remember opening had been opened, the clothes inside scattered all over the floor. He’d pinned that on his blearly state in the morning, and told himself that he was so tired that he didn’t remember opening the box or dropping the clothes everywhere, for that matter. Then, when he was sleeping that night, a door randomly slammed shut, and Chengcheng blamed it on the wind.

Those were occurrences that he could explain, but what could he blame for the random handprints on his mirror, or for the too-sudden changes in heat when he was showering? Or, when he came home one afternoon from class, the rice spilled on the countertop and the fridge door wide open? Or, the piece of cake Zhengting had baked for him that he had put on the table instead smushed on the floor? Those were things that he couldn’t think of reasons for, and as time went on, even the simplest inconveniences like the stove turning on and the door randomly slamming got more and more difficult to explain.

In the end, Chengcheng resigned himself to stop thinking of reasons for why things were happening around the apartment. It made no difference whether it was his own carelessness or a stupid ghost. The rent was good and the location was actually closer to his work than the place he shared with Zeren. The only issue was the annoyance he felt every time he had to clean up a mess he didn’t remember making, and the sleep he was losing with getting rudely shocked awake by a slamming door or a crash in the living room.

So it was with an ill grace that he slumped to the cafe to meet with Zhengting and Zeren for lunch a week after he had moved in, his hands raw from having to scrub a dried patch of tomato sauce he had discovered after coming back from class. 

“Why do you look so grumpy?” Zhengting asked immediately, after Chengcheng had slid into the booth across from them. “You look like you’re losing sleep.”

Chengcheng only halfheartedly glared at him. “Not everyone can look beautiful like you all the time.”

Zhengting sighed. “You know I didn’t mean that.”

“You basically did,” Zeren jeered, flipping through the menu. “You’re so vain, Zhengting.”

Zhengting gasped in outrage, and to prevent a fight, Chengcheng grabbed the menu Zhengting had in his hands. “No, no, no. I know you didn’t mean that, I was just kidding.” He flipped the booklet open to a page with pictures of sandwiches printed on it.

“Why do you look so dead then?” Zeren asked bluntly. He shut his own menu, apparently already sure of what he wanted to eat. “Have you been staying up late?”

Chengcheng decided on a croissant and ham sandwich. “No, no. Not that much, don’t worry.”

“You look like shit,” Zeren stated. “You practically look decomposed now next to Zhengting.”

Zhengting squawked, but Chengcheng rolled his eyes. “I always looked decomposed next to him. Wonder why Cai Xukun is dating him over me?”

“Kunkun approached me for my personality ,” Zhengting whined. Chengcheng had to remind himself yet again that Zhengting was the oldest out of the three of them. 

He had known Zeren since high school, back when he had a mouthful of braces and Zeren still had black hair. They had met Zhengting in his first year of university, when he had tried out for the dance club with Zeren. A fourth year at the time, Zhengting had dazzled everyone, including himself, in the room when he had walked in, his face and body so pretty, he could have been an idol.

He hadn’t made the dance team that year (Zeren did), but somehow, he did manage to catch Zhengting’s eye enough for Zhengting to run up to him a week later when he spotted him passing by to ask him if he’d wanted to eat dinner with him and the rest of the team. Chengcheng had felt flattered that the gorgeous president of the dance club had asked him to eat dinner with him, but realized later on in the evening, when Zhengting had pinched his cheeks and told him that he was too skinny, that he only wanted to fatten him up more. 

It was fine; Zhengting thought he was cool enough to invite him to team dinner again the week after, then the week after that. They had become friends : he was the only friend he thought he really had apart from Zeren after high school.

“He approached you because you were eye candy,” Zeren said flippantly. “I don’t know how you managed to trap him to stay with you.”

Chengcheng groaned loudly. “Can you guys not argue about why Xukun chooses to fuck Zhengting when he can literally make anyone in the school bend over? I’m so hungry.” 

Zhengting waved the waiter over. “Let’s get food first then.”

Later, when all three of them had their meals in front of them, and Zeren finished talking about how nice it was living with neat, romantic Yanchen, Zhengting looked at him again and said, “You never said why you look so bad, Chengcheng.”

Chengcheng had spent the conversation staying mostly quiet, listening to Zeren gush, but also trying to think of an answer to give the two of them when Zhengting pressed the subject again. He couldn’t exactly tell them what Wang Ziyi had told him; even if they did believe the ghost theory, telling them would mean admitting that he believed it was a ghost. Which he didn’t want to do.

“I’m just a bit stressed, you know,” he decided to say, which wasn’t exactly a lie. “My professor for one of my music classes wants us to compose a piece that, I quote, ‘shows emotion’, and I’ve been working on it for the past week. It’s worth so much too: fifty percent of our final grade.”

Zhengting looked at him sympathetically. “That sounds really stressful, Chengcheng. I’m sure you’ll come up with something that works.”

“I think I know what kind of music I want to write,” he gritted out. “But I just-- I don’t know. I keep making stuff and trashing it. It never sounds right. It always sounds so… shallow.”

Zhengting nodded gently, but Zeren looked unimpressed. “Keep trying, Cheng. You’ll get it eventually, but don’t make yourself sick just to finish a project, okay?” His voice bordered on concerned, though Chengcheng knew that Zeren had never been one to openly voice his concern or care unless he was feeling very sentimental. “You really do look like shit recently.”

“Yeah, thanks.” If only his apartment could listen to him as well.

Zhengting reached across the table and laid a hand over his. “Chengcheng, I know you’re all moved in and all, but are you sure you don’t want to move in with me and Kunkun? None of us mind, really, and it would be safer and more comfortable than what the place you’re staying at now.”

Chengcheng stared at Zhengting’s hand. “No, no, no, I’ll be fine, Zhengting. Don’t worry too much about me.”

Good old Zhengting. Of course he was worried about Chengcheng. He had been worried ever since he had first laid eyes on him. It was hard for someone as kind as Zhengting to not be, when Chengcheng seemed to be sad and lonely wherever he went. 

***

Though the random occurances in his apartment were the main sources of his stress, what Chengcheng had told Zhengting and Zeren about the project his teacher had left him wasn’t exactly false either. He spent the next few days following lunch with his two friends working randomly on the song he was trying to compose, shoving together chords and beats only to delete everything in frustration hours later.

He just couldn’t seem to get it right. Everything sounded awful and hollow when he played it back to himself in the lonely, empty space of his room, especially when he was listening to it after being rudely awakened again by a crash or a door. 

The strange occurrences around the flat had only increased as time went on, and Chengcheng’s growing annoyance at the messes and his lack of an ability to find non-paranormal explanations for them only served to stress him out further. It was only a matter of time that the messes and his failing project would make him snap.

It turned out, the moment came sooner than he had expected.

Barely two days after getting lunch with his friends, Chengcheng was woken up again at two AM by a loud crash in the kitchen.

He stumbled out, bare feet freezing against the floor, but ground to a stop when he saw the shards of glass on the ground: the remainders of a glass cup shattered underneath a cupboard he didn’t open. 

It had been a long day before; Chengcheng had been scolded for a tiny detail he had gotten wrong in a lady’s overly complicated order, and later on, had failed again to make any meaningful progress on his song. This, combined with the mess on the kitchen floor, prompted him to snap loudly. “You know, Mr Ghost, if you really do want to annoy the fuck out of me, you should just show up and tell me what you want.”

He regretted it a second later.

Chengcheng yelled, jumping back from the carnage, as the air in front of him rippled. He rubbed his eyes a few times to confirm that he was hallucinating, but when he finished, there was no way to deny that what was in front of him wasn’t real. 

A boy was sitting on the kitchen counter top, pouting at him.

“I just wanted to welcome you to the place!” The boy whined. “You didn’t have to be mean!”

Chengcheng realized that he had a hand clasped over his chest, and that he could very distinctly feel his heart race under his skin. He moved it away and continued to gape at the boy.

The boy himself stared at Chengcheng for a few moments, eyes running up and down his form as if assessing him, then when he apparently deemed him good enough, he jumped off the counter and onto the shards of glass below.

“Hey, watch it!” Chengcheng jerked out of his trance; he didn’t want the boy to cut himself and bleed all over his already stained floors. But when he looked down at the glass, he found that where the boy should have had feet were instead wisps of grey and white.

“Oh yeah,” the boy said nonchalantly, raising a leg and pointing at where his foot should have been. “I don’t really have feet anymore; comes with being a ghost. It looks weird but at least I don’t have to put on shoes every morning.”

Very carefully, Chengcheng stepped over the pile of glass and sunk into a chair at the table. He looked away from the kitchen, dipped his fingers into a glass of water that he had left on the table, and splashed his eyes with the liquid. After a few times of this, he looked back.

The boy was still there, now looking confused.

“What are you doing?”

Chengcheng found his voice. “Making sure that I’m really not hallucinating.”

“Hallucinating?” the boy looked puzzled. “Why?”

“Well.” Chengcheng debated on how to answer. “You’re a ghost.”

“I am,” the boy confirmed. “But I go by Justin.”

“Oh, nice,” he said stupidly in return. “That’s a nice name.” The boy beamed, and he remembered what he was trying to say. “But you’re a ghost!”

“I’m also your roommate.” The boy-- Justin-- looked very proud of himself. “I live with you.”

In a last resort, Chengcheng slapped himself across the face. The pain spread across his cheek, but through his squinted eyes, he could still see Justin, floating curiously around his head. 

Huh. He wasn’t hallucinating after all.

“Uh, yeah. Yeah. Roommate,” he said awkwardly at Justin’s confused face. “I’m Chengcheng. Nice to meet you.”

“Why did you just slap yourself?” Justin looked suspicious. “Are you an idiot?”

“What-” Chengcheng spluttered. “No, I’m just-” He paused, trying to choose the best word. “I’m just confused,” he ended lamely.

“Why are you confused? Shouldn’t I be the one confused at how you’re splashing yourself with water and slapping yourself?”

“You’re a ghost!” he cried, pointing at Justin’s pseudo-feet. “How do you even exist!”

Justin sighed. He floated over Chengcheng’s head to sit cross legged on top of the table. Chengcheng wrinkled his nose. “Can you not sit on the table?”

Justin ignored him. “Why wouldn’t I exist? It’s not like I’m the fucking Loch Ness Monster or Bigfoot or anything. I’m a ghost.” His eyes widened. “Wait, did they find Bigfoot yet?”

“No,” he told him. “But ghosts don’t exist.”

“Well, I exist, so you better change that thought.” Justin smirked. “You’re the only one so far to deny that I exist.”

“Only one of what?”

“My roommates.” Justin looked at him like he was stupid. “You know, the people who lived here before you?”

Something hit Chengcheng, and he suddenly spluttered out. “Yeah, and they moved out because you keep breaking and opening everything? Why the fuck would you break a glass at two in the fucking morning?”

Justin looked sheepish at that. “Okay, for the most part, I was trying to welcome you to the house--”

“--by breaking my stuff?”

“Fair point, but I was trying to meet you!” When he saw Chengcheng’s confused face, he continued on. “I can’t appear to anyone unless they address me first, so I thought that I could get your attention by messing around the house.” He pouted again. “The last roommate I had ran away two years ago. I haven’t had someone to talk to for so long .”

“Okay, okay, we can talk about reasonable ways to get my attention later, but first, why don’t you look that much like a ghost?”

He had expected a ghost to look like one of those white and grey things he saw in movies, the ones with creepy faces and long black hair. But apart from the wispy things that were his feet, Justin looked quite normal. He was a little translucent like he had expected, but he had colour and, if he didn’t look closely enough, could just pass as another kid on the street. He had soft brown hair that curled over his forehead, a pouty mouth, and a button nose. He was dressed in a dark green sweatshirt, with a metal tag hanging from his neck and dark jeans on his legs. All together, he looked like any other teenager.

Justin looked unimpressed with him. “Did you really think that ghosts looked like those white sheet things in movies?”

“No, but you look so real . I wouldn’t even be able to tell you’re dead if you didn’t tell me!”

It was the wrong thing to say. Justin’s face fell, and Chengcheng immediately felt guilty.

“Okay, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. I’m just surprised that you’re colourful and that you have legs and that it doesn’t seem like I can put a hand through you or whatever.”

Justin studied him then looked down at his chest. “Well, none of my other roommates have tried to do so, so maybe you should try?”

It was a strange way to begin an acquaintanceship, inviting your roommate to try to put his hand through you. But it apparently didn't prevent Chengcheng from poking a finger at Justin’s stomach, only to find that it wouldn’t go through easily like he had expected; rather, touching Justin was like touching a weird, swirling, thick bowl of soup.

Justin squirmed and floated back. “That was weird.”

“Uh huh,” he agreed.

“Let’s not do that again.”

“Uh huh.”

“I guess you can’t pass right through me like in the movies.”

“Uh huh.”

“Do you say anything other than uh huh?”

“Uh-- sorry.” Chengcheng came out of his trance. It seemed like his trances had been getting longer; he blamed it on the sleep deprivation. “I’m just really tired.”

Justin, to his credit, did look guilty. “That’s my fault, I know. I got too excited trying to welcome you and get you to talk to me. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Chengcheng said, surprised at how forgiving he felt as he looked at Justin’s pouting face. “I get it, you were alone for a long time.”

“Yeah! The landlord guy only comes to visit the place every couple of months or so, and he never stays long enough to talk to me. And all of the previous tenants got scared away.” Justin floated up from the table. “I was lonely.”

Something inside him twitched at Justin’s confession. “I think it’s because you keep doing things that people don’t expect.”

“Maybe.” Justin looked like a kicked puppy, turning wide eyes at him. Chengcheng wanted to ask how old he was, but he would probably get an answer that would make his head spin. “Are you going to leave too?”

“No.” Again he was surprised at how quick the answer came to him. Justin beamed. 

“Great! Let’s be friends then, Chengcheng.”

“Okay,” he agreed. “But let’s set some ground rules down first.” 

“Cool with me,” Justin agreed as he rested his head on his hands in midair, “But aren’t you tired? It’s my fault you’re losing sleep.”

Chengcheng glanced at the date on his phone. Tomorrow was a Sunday, meaning that he didn’t have class or work the next day. “It’s fine. I don’t have class tomorrow anyways. And this is more important than waking up early tomorrow. I don’t want to have to clean up a mess every time we need to speak to each other.”

“Okay.” Justin smiled, and Chengcheng wondered what he had done to lead up to this point, sitting at the table, a ghost boy floating above his head in the air, about to discuss with him what rules they would need to set down in the house. 

***

Setting down some ground rules around the house was apparently harder than he had thought.

That night, Chengcheng made a cup of tea and sat down at the table with a piece of paper and a pencil, Justin hovering around his shoulders and jabbering at him the entire time. He discovered very early on that Justin really was just overly excited to see him, and that he could talk enough to make his ears ring.

“Calm down, calm down,” Chengcheng finally managed to cut in. “Focus on the rules. One step at a time.”

Justin paused his story about a cat that sometimes prowled the roofs. “But why do we need rules?”

“Like I said before, you can’t be waking me up in the middle of the night anymore. My friends are saying that I look like shit.”

Justin pounced on the last part of the sentence. “You have friends?”

“...yes.” Chengcheng decided, looking at Justin’s curious, beaming face, that the boy hadn’t meant to insult him. “My old roommate, Ding Zeren, and this other guy named Zhu Zhengting.”

“That’s cool. Did you say ‘old roommate’?”

“We rented a place together near downtown for three years, but he recently moved out so he could live with his boyfriend-- wait, stay focused!”

Justin pouted. “Rules are so boring!”

“They aren’t for me. I need to sleep better.” And with that, Chengcheng wrote down ‘No loud noises after 11:00 PM’.

Justin floated to the paper and peered down. “What if I accidentally knock something over?”

“That’s fine. It just can’t happen that often.” A thought hit him. “Don’t you need to sleep too?”

Justin thought about it for a few moments. “Well, I don’t need to, but I could if I wanted to. I like looking at the lights at night though, so I usually don't.”

“Okay.” Chengcheng decided to leave it there when he remembered that the flat only had one bedroom. He squinted at the paper, the coffee clearing his head a little, and wrote down ‘No messes’.

“But that’s hard!” Justin floated up indignantly, pointing at his blurry, wispy legs. “Do you know how hard it is to make sure everything stays with you as a ghost?”

Chengcheng stared at the silvery swirl at the bottom of his jeans. “Again, it’s fine if it’s an accident, but I just don’t want to have to clean up all the time.”

Justin pondered that for a second, then zoomed back down and pointed at the paper. “Then add ‘Remember to yell ‘Justin’ first thing when you get home’.”

“Huh?”

“I told you. I can’t appear to you unless you call me first. That’s why I kept messing around before; I was trying to get your attention.”

Chengcheng nodded and wrote it down. He remembered something else and wrote it down as well.

Justin read the paper, then looked up. “No bothering you when you’re working on music?”

“I’m a music major,” Chengcheng explained, suddenly self-conscious. “I have to make music and write songs, stuff like that. But I usually need to concentrate while I’m doing it, so I can actually make good tunes.”

Justin was quiet for a moment. “I liked music before too.”

Something about his tone, the slightly wistful, sad sound of his voice, stirred Chengcheng’s heartstrings. He scratched the back of his neck before crossing the rule out and replacing it with ‘Be quieter when Chengcheng is working on music’.

“You don’t have to stay away from me or anything when I’m working on stuff, but just try to stay a little quiet so that I can hear my own thoughts.”

Justin stared at the page, the same expression of sadness on his face remaining there just for a moment, before breaking out into a huge smile. “Deal.”

***

What Chengcheng realized in the next few days was that, for the most part, having a ghost in the house didn’t change much in Chengcheng’s life outside the house. He still went to class, went to work, hung out with Zhengting and Zeren, all the rest of that stuff.

But when he came home, that was a different story. Every evening, when he unlocked the door, he had to remember to call out, “Justin”, and a semi-translucent boy would appear, beaming at him from where he was floating around near the ceiling. 

Justin really was as lively as he was on the first night that he had appeared to him. As soon as Chengcheng got home and summoned him, he’d jabber away at him, pestering him with stories about a bug he had seen or a flock of birds that had flown across the sky, or asking him questions about what his day was like, what his friends did, how was his work, did he fail the project he had been working on, et cetera. He’d float around Chengcheng’s shoulders as he did this, watching Chengcheng as he cooked dinner or try to write an essay, sometimes coming so close that Chengcheng felt the weird, swirl of his body against his skin. 

“Chengcheng!” he whined one night, when Chengcheng was trying to finish a paper. “Cook something again!”

“I just ate,” Chengcheng said offhandedly, trying to remember the proper way to use a semicolon. “I’m not hungry.”

“But it’s fun when you cook!” Justin whined again floating above his laptop. “I like seeing you put everything together.”

“I’m trying to finish an essay, Justin,” he said absentmindedly. Semicolons were used for… clauses, right?

“What are you writing about?” Justin changed topics, hovering closer to the laptop. The metal tag on his neck dangled down in front of his computer screen as the boy squinted at the bullshit Chengcheng had coughed up. “Music?”

“Uh, yeah. Musical theory. I have to write an essay on how a composer changed musical history.”

“That sounds…cool,” Justin commented after a long moment, where he read over Chengcheng’s work.

“It’s not, but thanks for trying,” Chengcheng groaned. “I signed up as a music major to make music. I don’t know how the history of Mozart is going to help me with that.”

“Why aren’t you working on making music then? Weren’t you working on something yesterday night?”

Chengcheng groaned again when he realized what Justin was referring to. “Oh god, don’t remind me about that.” He still hadn’t made any meaningful progress with his emotional song project, apart from a basic beat he thought he liked. “I can’t figure it out.”

“What is it even?” Justin asked, now floating above his bed. “You’re always working on it, but I never see you actually do anything.”

Ha ha, he thought. Justin had called him out on it. “It’s a song I’m writing for another class. The professor wants us to write a song that conveys emotion, but it never comes out right.”

Justin studied him, tilting his head to the side. “Why doesn’t it sound right?”

Chengcheng scratched the back of his neck, suddenly self-conscious. He wasn’t sure if he was ready to spill all of his thoughts to a ghost he still wasn’t sure he wasn’t hallucinating, but the sudden throb in his chest prompted him to say “I just feel like everything that I write sounds so… hollow.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well,” Chengcheng thought about it. “I think that everything just sounds really shallow and sad, and it doesn’t sound like something that would really make me emotional.” He added, “But it’s still fun though, writing it, even if I don’t feel like I’m making any progress. It’s what I signed up for anyway, when I chose to go into music.”

Justin was quiet for a few moments, and Chengcheng took the opportunity to type out a few more lines in his essay. 

“I’m sure you’ll get it eventually,” he said finally. Then, in a smaller voice, “I wish I could go to school and learn music with you.”

Chengcheng turned to him. “Can’t you come with me then?” He didn’t know why he felt the need to invite a ghost to join him in class, though it was something that he had thought was curious for a while, why Justin could only stay inside their apartment. 

“I can’t.” Justin shook his head sadly. “My soul is bound to something in the house, so I can only stay in places that are near it.”

The boy looked to the side, gazing wistfully at the darkening sky outside, and at the same moment, Chengcheng felt his mouth moving. “What’s it bound to?”

Justin’s head shot up so fast, he was afraid that his head would snap off. “My soul?”

“Yeah. You said it was bound to something, and that you couldn’t go far from it, right?” Chengcheng felt himself saying. “Couldn’t I just bring it with me then?”

He looked down to finish the sentence he was writing, but when he looked up, he blushed with the intensity that Justin was gazing at him. 

Justin was gaping at him, hands clasped together, eyes bright. “You’d do that?”

Chengcheng looked at him, how his mouth was trembling, as if he was afraid that Chengcheng was only joking with him, and felt the warmth fill his entire body. “Yeah.” 

The grin Justin shot at him was blinding, and for some stupid reason, Chengcheng blushed. “But that’s only if I can carry it.” A suspicion probed his mind. “You’re not bound to like the sofa or something, right?”

Justin’s face fell. Oh shit, he really is bound to the sofa .

“No, no, no.” Justin quickly shook his head at whatever expression of horror Chengcheng was wearing. “Not the sofa, but I just remembered that you might not like it?”

“Why?” Relief was flooding him that he hadn’t just promised a ghost-boy to carry a sofa around with him all the time.

Surprisingly now, it was Justin that blushed, a silvery pink tinted his puffy cheeks. “You promise you won’t laugh?”

“Why would I laugh? It’s not like I know anything about soul binding.”

Justin flushed even more. “Well, it’s not exactly something you might think is cool, but I swear I didn’t have a choice!” He defended. “If you die with unfulfilled regrets, your soul gets stuck to the nearest thing, and in my case, it wasn’t something cool at all!”

“I-” Chengcheng started, then stopped. Justin was now floating around the room, babbling about how he wished he was stuck to something like a paperclip rather than the thing he was bound to, and had apparently not realized what he had said. 

Unfulfilled regrets?

“Justin,” he cut in uneasily.  Justin stopped abruptly from where he was zooming around across the ceiling. “Did you say, regrets?”

“Oh.” Justin looked uncomfortable suddenly with what he had revealed, his entire face crumbling. “Yeah, I did.”

“What did you mean?”

Justin looked even more uncomfortable. “Well, if you have things that you really should have done in your life, but you didn’t get to do, sometimes they let you stay behind as a ghost. You know, until you can do them. They don’t let you move on until you do them.”

“Move on?” Chengcheng probed further, aware that he was pushing the boundaries.

“Move on. Like, go wherever you’re supposed to go after you die,” Justin clarified. “Heaven, rebirth, hell, limbo, whatever it’s supposed to be.”

Chengcheng’s head spun from the new information. “So you had unfinished regrets.”

“I-” Justin sighed, floating down to rest on Chengcheng’s bed. “Sorry, I just haven’t thought about them or have talked to anyone about them for a long time now. I think I did though, before I died.”

“Don’t be sorry,” Chengcheng said awkwardly. Justin had assumed the same desolate expression he had had on before, that look that was both sad and lonely, and that reminded him so much of his own hollow, aching spot in his chest. He didn’t like seeing Justin being like that. “I’m sorry that I asked.”

“It’s okay.” Justin still looked sad as he looked down at his hands, apparently in thought.

“Well,” Chengcheng opened his mouth again. “Did you want to finish what you regret not doing then?”

Justin’s head shot up again. “What?”

“Like, I could bring you around right? You said that your soul wasn’t bound to a sofa or anything, right? If I can carry you around, couldn’t you go do what you were supposed to do?”

Justin was silent for a long moment, and Chengcheng was afraid, suddenly, that he had been too reckless, and that Justin maybe didn’t want him to tote him around like a pet. “I’m just thinking, don’t mind me. I know I’m not that big of a help anyways, I just-”

“Would you really help me?” Justin looked up at him, eyes big and round. Chengcheng’s words got stuck in his throat. Justin’s face was soft and hopeful, almost as if he couldn’t believe what Chengcheng was offering him. 

“Yeah, why not?” Chengcheng babbled, feeling small under Justin’s piercing gaze.

“I-” Justin took a deep breath, then smiled again. Not a grin this time, but a soft smile that filled him with warmth. “Thank you.”

“Yeah, no problem.” The seriousness of the moment was getting too much for him, and Chengcheng cleared his throat awkwardly. “So what is your soul tied to, if it’s not a sofa.”

This seemed to jerk Justin out of the wistful, soft state he was in. “Oh, shit, yeah. I have to show you it. Follow me.”

Chengcheng obliged and paced after him when he floated out the room. How bad can it be?

He took it back when he saw what Justin was pointing at moments later.

“What the fuck? Your soul is bound to a fucking toilet brush?”

***

Chengcheng regretted agreeing to bring Justin along with him during the day the very next morning.

“Justin,” he muttered under his breath. The boy was floating around a pair of girls sitting a foot away from him, both apparently oblivious to how the ghost was peering down at their phones and laptops. 

“What?” He asked, and Chengcheng winced at the sound. The class they were in was an english class, and the professor in charge of it was a strict, no-nonsense lady that made it very clear on the first day that no one was to talk while she was teaching. Luckily, however, Justin seemed to only be visible to him.

“You’re distracting me,” Chengcheng muttered. “Come back and sit here like a normal student.”

“But I’m bored,” Justin whined, but obediently floated back to Chengcheng’s seat. “This class is so boring! Why are you in an english writing class when you’re a music major?”

“I told you, we have to fill certain requirements!” he muttered back. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the pair of girls glance his way, confused at why he was talking to himself.

Justin pouted, floating in circles around his head. “Why is your professor so boring though! I don’t even know what she’s saying anymore!” He paused, then Chengcheng stared in horror as a wry grin spread across his face. “Oh, I know what to do!”

Chengcheng gaped as Justin zoomed down to the front of the class. He turned back to wink at him when he was at the whiteboard, mouthed something that he didn’t want to know, then reached for a marker on the ledge.

“No!” Chengcheng yelled. Justin stopped and smirked at him, but the damage was done. Every student in the room turned to stare at him; some were shooting him nasty glances.

“Did you have something to say, Fan?” The professor looked less than impressed. Chengcheng slunk back into his seat under her withering gaze.

“No, I’m sorry ma’am.” He felt his face flush. Somewhere, he heard someone snort.

The professor fixed him with another one of her steely gazes before dismissing him and going back to the whiteboard. Chengcheng let out a sigh of relief.

He made sure to send Justin the stink-eye when the boy gleefully floated back to their spot, chortling the entire time about how ridiculous Chengcheng had looked.

***

Justin wasn’t any better when he tagged along to Chengcheng’s workplace. 

Chengcheng had told him very, very sternly that he was going to leave him far away from the front counter where he worked. Though he didn’t exactly enjoy being a movie concessions worker for the giggly teenagers of his city, it paid the bills, and he didn’t want to have to go job searching just because Justin was bored of watching him scoop popcorn and pour soda. 

But Justin had whined that he hadn’t seen a movie theatre in literal years , and had pouted at him with those large, puppy dog eyes, and Chengcheng’s heart melted way too quickly.

“Okay, compromise.” Chengcheng slung his bag on his shoulder in the back room, where boxes of popcorn and candy were being held. It was also the place he’d usually leave his backpack. “I’ll dump my stuff at the front under the table instead, so you can actually float around there rather than in this storage closet.”

Justin beamed, but he cut in. “But, you cannot touch anything or mess with anyone there. If you do, I’ll lock your stupid toilet brush in a chest and dump it in the river.”

To his credit, Justin didn’t touch anything when Chengcheng was working. Instead, however, he floated around him and his coworker’s shoulders, babbling away and asking Chengcheng about all the different foods and machines he was working with. With how crowded the movie theater was at this time and Justin’s rapid speaking, Chengcheng felt his head throb with the noise.

“Shut up,” he muttered at last, when Justin was grinning and pointing at the popcorn machine. 

His co-worker, a med student named Xingjie, raised an eyebrow at him from where he was pouring soda into a cup. “Excuse me?”

“Not you,” Chengcheng said irritably. He turned his head back at Justin. “Stop asking me questions. I can’t hear my own thoughts!”

Xingjie looked shocked, but Chengcheng waved him off. “Not you!”

Justin stuck his tongue out at him. “You said I couldn’t touch anything, and I haven’t. Why are you being so mean to me now?”

“I can’t focus on work!” he cried, jabbing his finger indignantly into the butter dispenser. “I’ll tell you about everything later, but not now.”

Justin pouted. Chengcheng felt a heavy hand on his shoulder, and spun around to see Xingjie’s worried face.

“Say, Chengcheng, have you been getting enough sleep?”

“I’m fine,” he nodded encouragingly. Xingjie frowned.

“You’re talking to yourself.”

Chengcheng laughed too loudly, nervously. “Yeah, I am. I’m trying it out. See if it helps me stay focused, you know.”

Xingjie didn’t seem convinced. “But you just said that you couldn’t stay focused and that you’ll tell someone about something?”

“Did I say that?” Chengcheng laughed nervously again. “You must have misheard, I don’t remember saying that.”

Xingjie gave him an unimpressed look but conceded and went back to pumping cream. Chengcheng let out a sigh of relief, though it quickly turned into a gasp of horror when he saw how many people had lined up at the register in his brief lapse.

He gave Justin one of his most withering glares and hurried over to take the next customer’s order.

***

“Fucking hell,” Zeren commented, when Chengcheng met up with him for dinner. “You look even worse than last time.”

Chengcheng didn’t bother to answer him, and instead grabbed the menu and flipped angrily through it.

“Don’t be mean to Chengcheng,” his boyfriend, Yanchen, frowned, and Zeren brushed him off.

“I’m always mean to Chengcheng. Don’t you agree though, that he looks kind of bad?”

Justin chose that moment to whoosh down, seating himself beside Chengcheng and leaning on his shoulder, the swirly feeling of his body pressed up against his skin. “Do you usually look better?” he asked Chengcheng.

Chengcheng ignored him as well and flipped to the noodle section. He decided that he deserved a large bowl of noodles for what Justin was putting him through.

“Chengcheng!” Chengcheng belatedly realized that Yanchen was calling his name, and looked up to see the man peer curiously at him.

“Oh, sorry, Yanchen. I was too focused on the food.”

Justin curled up against him and crooned into his ear, “Is that your friend’s boyfriend? He’s so cute.”

Chengcheng tried his best to ignore him and grinned at Zeren and Yanchen. “But yeah, I’ve had a pretty tough week with work and school. Sorry that I look a little out of it.”

Zeren didn’t look convinced but mercifully let the topic rest. “Okay. Zhengting and Xukun are coming soon. Can you hold on ordering for a bit?”

Chengcheng’s stomach growled, and Justin laughed. “Yeah.” He shivered. “Zhengting wouldn’t be happy if we ordered without him.”

He didn’t speak too much afterwards, when he asked Zeren how his project with choreographing a solo was going. Zeren filled him in with a story of how he had an argument with a classmate named Chaoze over when to use the dance studios, before a short boy with bunny teeth had stepped in and worked it out for them. 

Chengcheng nodded along, eager to catch up on his friend’s life, but found it difficult to do so when Justin was commenting on the story himself.

“Wow,” the boy said in wonder, when Zeren began to tell Chengcheng about how the short boy had been so intimidating, he managed to shut both of them up by just asking them what they were doing. “Short people are scary.”

“They are,” Chengcheng agreed without thinking, remembering all the times Zeren had yelled at him for oversleeping or for forgetting to put the toothpaste cap back on the tube. 

Zeren stopped abruptly and frowned at him. “What?”

Chengcheng realized what he had done. “Oh, yeah. They are. As in, they sound interesting, the other people who dance with you.” He sounded ridiculous, and he wasn’t surprised when Zeren set down his menu.

“Okay, Cheng.” Zeren leaned over the table and peered at Chengcheng’s eyes, his sharp features furrowed. “I didn’t want to mention it, but we need to talk about what’s going on with you.”

“Me?” Chengcheng laughed lamely. “What could be wrong with me?”

Justin crooned into his ear again. “You sleep in class.”

Chengcheng couldn’t let that go. “That was one time!” he snapped at Justin, the indignation and annoyance at having to manage two different conversations finally boiling over. Zeren’s jaw dropped, but he plowed on. “And I was only sleeping that one time because you turned the stove on again the night before, even though we made it a rule to not mess with anything after eleven!”

Zeren recoiled. “Chengcheng? What are you saying?”

Chengcheng ignored him, scowling instead at the pouting ghost beside him. 

“It was an accident! You said accidents were fine!”

“What kind of accident is accidentally turning on the stove!”

“It was an accident because I turned it on before eleven, and I forgot to turn it off!”

“You-”

Zeren took the moment to slap Chengcheng across the face.

“Ow!” Chengcheng clutched at his face as Justin burst out into laughter. He rediverted his attention to a concerned Zeren and Yanchen. “What the hell was that for?”

“You’re talking to yourself!” Zeren whisper-yelled. “That’s what I was going to ask you about!”

Yanchen was pale when he spoke. “Yeah. I saw Xingjie the other day and he said that you were talking to yourself as well these days at work. And Jieqiong and Cheng Xiao said the same thing about you in class!”

“What’s wrong, Chengcheng?” Zeren asked, eyes large. “You’ve never talked to yourself before! Has the stress gotten to you? Are you going crazy?”

While Chengcheng struggled with finding an answer to give him, Justin floated up and pouted at him with large, puppy dog eyes. “Can’t I meet your friends? It’ll be easier if you’re going to be seeing them a lot and I’m with you.”

Chengcheng pondered this. Justin wasn’t wrong with that. If he was to hang out with his friends and still bring Justin along with him, it would be easier if he just came clean and introduced Justin to them. But at the same time, he wasn’t sure what would happen if he did. Zhengting was terrified of ghosts, and Zeren, though he insisted otherwise, was as well. Actually, now that he thought about it, Xukun and Yanchen were as well. That wasn’t good.

Zeren stared at him again. “Chengcheng? You good?”

“Ghost!” he blurted out, grabbing Justin’s shoulder. His hand sunk through part of his flesh, and Justin squirmed to get away.

“That feels so weird! Stop!”

Chengcheng ignored him and pointed to the squirming boy beside him. “There’s a ghost with me!”

Zeren looked stricken. He turned to Yanchen. “Oh my god, Yanchen. Chengcheng is crazy.”

“No!” he insisted, letting go of Justin to grab at Zeren’s arm. With no little amount of desperation, he said, “Say his name. Say, ‘hi, Justin’!”

“Chengcheng, I think we should get you to the hospital-”

“Do it!”

His voice was bordering on mania, and Zeren, apparently seeing the crazed state he was in, relented.

Sarcastically, he said into the air, “Hi Justin.”

The ghost beamed, and less than a second later, Zeren shrieked.

“Zeren?” Yanchen asked, confused, when Zeren bored himself into his chest. Oh right. Yanchen had to address Justin as well to see him.

“There’s a ghost, Yanchen!” Zeren shrieked. Chengcheng glanced around them nervously, infinitely glad that Xukun was rich enough to book a private room at the restaurant for them. “Say it! Say it!”

“Baby-”

“Say it!”

Justin was almost screaming with laughter, rolling around in the air. Chengcheng clapped a hand over his face.

Yanchen, more to placate his poor, trembling boyfriend than anything, said soothingly, “Hi, Justin.”

He screamed even louder than Zeren when he saw. 

***

“I like your friends,” Justin said later that night, when he floated around the living room, watching Chengcheng decide on what to watch.

Chengcheng groaned. “You scared the shit out of them. I spent most of dinner trying to calm them down enough to believe that you weren’t going to haunt them or something.”

“I like Zeren a lot,” Justin mused. “He’s so small but he’s so funny and scary at the same time. I like his boyfriend too. Yanchen is so cute.”

Chengcheng sipped at his bottle of beer and wrinkled his nose. “Gross.”

Justin ignored him. He pulled the sleeves of his sweater down, making sweater paws. “Oh, wait. I liked your other friends too, the ones who came later on. They were so pretty. How can two people be that pretty and get together?”

“Zhengting would be so pleased if you told him that,” Chengcheng told him. “Make sure you tell him that next time we go see them, assuming that he wants to see you again.”

Just as he had expected, Zhengting had screamed the loudest out of everyone when Justin had materialized in front of him, grinning and asking if he really was as naggy as Chengcheng had said he was. Zhengting nearly passed out when he said that, and Xukun had to slap him a couple times to make sure he wasn’t going to black out.

“He was so afraid of me.” Justin laughed. “I don’t think I look that scary, do I?”

“Not really.” Chengcheng found a reality show to watch, one that documented boys who wanted to become idols. “But all four of them are terrified of ghosts. You’re lucky that they didn’t run away when they saw you.”

Justin laughed again, then floated down to rest beside Chengcheng on the old sofa. As the theme music of the show began to play on the television, he snuggled up against Chengcheng.

Chengcheng froze, stiffening for a fraction of a second. 

Justin jerked back, face falling. “Oh! I’m sorry, I just- just--”

“No!” Chengcheng blurted out, colouring at how urgent he sounded. More quietly, he said, “It’s fine. I was just surprised, that’s all.”

He patted his shoulder again. Justin looked at him for another moment before more gently curling up against him.

Chengcheng felt the swirl of his body against him, and felt an odd warmth spread through him again, like the feeling he had had when Justin had told him about how his soul was bound to a brush in the bathroom. It flowed through him, surprising him with how comfortable he felt with another person so close to him.

Well, Justin technically wasn’t a human, but with how warm his body was, he could have been one. Chengcheng snuck a glance at him when Justin began to ask about the premise of the show, noticing that the ghost had a mole on the right side of his nose.

Maybe it was because Justin was a ghost that he felt so comfortable with him. Even though the ghost was annoying and made his life harder, he didn’t feel awkward and shut off from him like he felt with so many other people. Justin didn’t ask him too much about himself other than the more shallow things, and that was good too. Chengcheng didn’t like talking about himself too much unless he really had too.

“Hey,” Justin said suddenly. Chengcheng looked down at him again. “Thanks, by the way, for bringing me around these days. It was really fun.”

“Oh.” Chengcheng blinked uncomfortably. “All good.”

Justin was quiet for a few moments, then spoke again. “It’s part of the things I wanted to accomplish before I died, you know.”

“You mean the regrets you had?” Chengcheng raised his eyebrows.

“Mhm.” Justin turned his eyes up at him, the brown in them mixing with the silvery tone of his entire body. “To do what normal, happy people do in life. Get a job, go to college, make friends.”

The sad way he said it, the slight, wistful tone of his voice tugged at something in his heart. Chengcheng looked down at the silver-brown of his hair, and thought that even though Justin was a pain in the ass sometimes, in moments like these, when he talked about his death and his life before, he seemed like the saddest, loneliest little boy in the world.

He cleared his throat. “If that’s what you wanted, I’ll keep bringing you around.”

Justin smiled, though it was a smaller, sadder smile. Chengcheng didn’t comment as Justin curled up to him a little closer.

That hollow space in his chest seemed to throb when Justin looked at him with those sad, sad eyes.

***

Chengcheng told Justin to go to sleep because not only would that mean that there would be no disturbances at night, but also because he wanted to see if the ghost really could fall asleep like he said he could.

He let Justin have the bed without too much argument, setting up his own little place with blankets and pillows on the floor beside it, listening to Justin prattle on about how he needed to take the softest place to sleep, since technically he was the older one out of the two. But before he could snuggle up under the covers, Justin poked his face out and hung an arm off the bed.

“Thanks, Chengcheng.”

“For what? The bed? I thought we agreed that you could take it.”

“No, for bringing me around.”

“Oh.” Chengcheng scratched the back of his head. “It’s nothing, really. It’s sort of fun hanging out with you during the day.”

“That’s… really good to hear.” Justin smiled sweetly, softly at him, so unlike the usual bright grins. It did something more to Chengcheng, however; Chengcheng felt like there was a butterfly flapping its wings in his chest.

“There isn’t a lot for me to do anyways.”

“I see.” Justin studied him for a moment, then asked carefully, “Nothing? More friends to visit? More passions to pursue? Family to visit?”

“Not--” Chengcheng cut himself off, then took a shallow breath. “No.”

He prayed silently that he wouldn’t get a face of pity, and to his relief, he didn’t. Justin’s face didn’t move apart from the small nod he gave him. “Okay.” The boy smiled again, even softer. “G’night, Cheng.”

Chengcheng watched as Justin snuggled up under the covers and promptly fell asleep.

There’s a ghost sleeping in my bed , he thought drowsily, as he pulled out his laptop and earbuds. This was a good time to work on the song, with Justin sleeping and quiet.

For the first time in a while, the music seemed to come to him more easily. Chengcheng added a soothing melody to the beat he had, and layered another calm sound on top of that.

He could make the song about calmness, he thought. Emotion could be calm and soft, couldn’t it?

Satisfied, he glanced up at his bed again. Justin was still sleeping peacefully, his brown hair falling over his face, his hands tugging at the blankets.

Something probed at his chest. Chengcheng looked away and went back to work.

Justin seemed so sad when he slept, he thought.

***

The weeks that followed were filled with the same, hectic days, with Chengcheng scrambling to get to school, to work, to whatever, a toilet brush in his backpack, and a floating boy-ghost tagging after him every step of the way.

After sitting down with Justin and giving him another list of things he could and could not do while Chengcheng was at work or in class, it did become easier to manage his own life while still keeping a ghost company. Justin, albeit playful, didn’t try to go against the rules he set down about not touching anything or talking non-stop, though he did spend a lot of time thinking up ways he could find loopholes in Chengcheng’s rules. Justin, he discovered, was quite the smart little kid.

One time, during closing hours, Justin had floated near the popcorn machine and pulled the glass casing open. It was lucky that no one was in the lobby of the theater and that Xingjie was off studying for some exam, because Chengcheng would have probably been fired at how loudly he was arguing with him.

“I literally said, no touching anything while I’m at work.”

“You’re not at work,” Justin retorted. “It’s literally closing hours.” He turned around and sat in the doorway of the machine, to Chengcheng’s disgust.

“Ew. Your butt is in the popcorn.”

“You dump and clean it every single night.” Justin threw a popcorn at him. “Let me sit comfortably.” He made an interesting sight, with how he was crammed into the quarter-full popcorn machine.

Chengcheng shook his head and grabbed his arm. “No. Get out of there before you get your stupid ghost germs all over the food.”

Justin pouted but allowed Chengcheng to try to pull him out, though his expression quickly changed to one of horror. “Chengcheng, I can’t get out.”

“Don’t be stupid.” Chengcheng pulled at his arms harder, only to find that he wasn’t joking. Justin’s butt was crammed tightly in the doorway of the machine, and he couldn’t get him out.

“Ow, ow! Stop!” Justin screeched after a particularly vicious tug. Chengcheng was panicking now. He couldn’t leave the boy here, with his ass stuck in a popcorn machine. Justin would be stuck and he wouldn’t be able to work tomorrow. 

“This is what happens when you decide to be an idiot,” Chengcheng huffed at Justin’s desolate face, before resting his eyes on the black machine directly beside the popcorn. “Wait, I have an idea.”

Justin followed his gaze to where he was looking, then widened his eyes. “You better not be thinking what I think you’re thinking.”

Chengcheng reached over and squirted a pool of melted butter in the palm of his hand. “Hold still. This is a great idea.”

Justin jerked upwards, the machine, still attached to his butt, lifting a couple inches off the table. “Stop! These are the only pants I own!”

“You should have thought of that before you went and shoved your butt in my popcorn machine!” Chengcheng snarled. “Get down. Butter is literally the perfect lubricant.”

Justin screeched and floated up, Chengcheng grabbing at him with butter running down his hands.

That was how Xukun found them, five minutes later, when he had come to pick them up for a shopping trip Zhengting wanted them to come on. 

“What the hell are you two doing?” He stared in disbelief at Chengcheng standing on the counter, grabbing at a floating Justin, the latter with a small popcorn machine hanging from his butt.

“Justin got his fat ass stuck in the machine!” Chengcheng snarled at the same time Justin shrieked, “Chengcheng is attacking me with melted butter!”

“I’m literally a genius. You’re telling me that butter won’t lube you up enough for you to slip your butt out?”

“I said, these are my only pants! If these get any oil stains I won’t know how the hell I’m going to get them out!”

Xukun blinked at them bickering. “Why were you in the machine, Justin?”

“He was finding a ‘comfortable place to sit’,” Chengcheng growled, glowering at the pouting boy. 

“Then why-” Xukun sighed but smiled. Chengcheng was lucky that it was Xukun driving them to the mall and not Zhengting; he wasn’t sure how long the man would have scolded them if Zhengting had seen the carnage around them. “You know what? I’m not going to ask.”

“Do you have any ideas to get me out?” Justin turned large, sad eyes to Xukun. 

Xukun thought for a moment. His face lit up. “Chengcheng, didn’t you say that Justin’s soul was bound to something you have to carry around with you all the time?”

“...yeah?” Chengcheng hadn’t told any of them yet, what exactly the item was.

“Then, if you took it far enough away, wouldn’t Justin naturally have to come along with you?”

A moment’s silence, then. 

“You’re a fucking genius!” Justin cried. He swooped down, the machine still on his butt, and grabbed Chengcheng’s backpack from under the counter. Then, he shoved it into Xukun’s arms. The contrast between Chengcheng’s worn out bag and the expensive, fancy clothing Xukun had on would have been amusing if Chengcheng wasn’t nervous about what the man would say when he actually opened the bag. “Get me out of here, Kunkun!”

Xukun unzipped the bag and stared down at its contents. Then, he burst into laughter. Chengcheng slunk back, horrible, now-inevitable images of how Zeren and Yanchen would mock him about the toilet brush he was obligated to carry around flickering through his mind.

***

Zhengting wasn’t as pleased when he heard of what had happened at the theater, later that night. 

He nearly shrieked when Xukun told him why they were late to the mall, and why Justin and Chengcheng were arguing so much again about the rules they had agreed upon. He punched each of them on the arm as he scolded them about hygiene, responsibility, and the rest. 

Chengcheng listened to his ramblings in the middle of the mall, exchanging a meek glance with Justin. Somehow, the shared experience of being scolded by Zhengting seemed to allow them to silently agree that the moments of chaos hadn’t been worth it. 

Later that night, after shopping, Justin curled up against him again as they watched television; Chengcheng was beginning to think that the boy was getting too comfortable too quickly.

“I think Zhengting and Xukun are okay with me now.”

“They were always okay with you. It’s just that you’re a ghost.” Chengcheng shifted, adjusting Justin’s head more comfortably against his shoulder.

“Yeah, that’s why I thought they wouldn’t be okay with me. They screamed so loudly when they first saw me,” Justin mused.

Chengcheng rolled his eyes. “Now that you see what they’re like, you should know that Zhengting and Xukun can’t help but be total softies around everyone. Zhengting literally cannot stop fussing over you, I swear to God.”

“He scolded me today!”

“That’s part of the Zhengting babying treatment. Don’t worry. He loves you already.”

Zhengting, after getting over his initial shock that Chengcheng was quite literally roommates with a ghost, warmed up to Justin pretty quickly like Chengcheng thought he would. Justin had been a little taken aback when Zhengting had begun to fuss over him like he did to all of his other children, and Chengcheng had to stifle a laugh many times seeing Justin look confused at why Zhengting was fretting over the ratty clothes he was wearing.

It was just too hard for Zhengting to suppress his motherly instincts, especially when Justin was so funny and cute sometimes. Even though Justin didn’t always look comfortable when Zhengting ruffled his hair or pulled him along to stores, Chengcheng suspected that he enjoyed it deep down. 

After all, Chengcheng himself had been drawn to Zhengting for the same feeling of protection he gave everyone around him.

“Can I ask you a question?” Justin asked suddenly. He played with the chain at his neck between his fingers.

“Shoot.”

“You’re friends with Zhengting, right?”

Chengcheng rolled his eyes again. “I wouldn’t even be able to get rid of him if I wanted to.”

“And Xukun?”

“He’s--” Chengcheng started, then stopped. While technically he’d known Xukun for years now, he didn’t exactly consider him a friend like he did for Zhengting and Zeren. After all, Chengcheng would have only met Xukun through Zhengting; Xukun was older than him, and much more polished and successful too. Chengcheng just couldn’t see himself and handsome, charming, smart Xukun being friends, and so he kept it that way. He didn’t want too many friends anyways. “Why do you ask?”

The boy shrugged. “It feels like you don’t think that you guys are.” Justin peered up at him. “Are you not close?” he ventured when he saw that Chengcheng wasn’t speaking. “Did you meet him recently?”

“Well, not really?” Chengcheng chose his words carefully. “Like, I’ve known him for a really long period of time, longer than I have for Yanchen actually, but I guess we never became friends. I only met him because Zhengting started dating him, and I doubt he thinks too much of me other than one of Zhengting’s friends anyways.”

Justin sat him, eyes wide. “Do you really think that?”

The way he was gaping at him was making him uncomfortable. “Yeah?” Chengcheng scratched the back of his neck. “I mean, he’s older, and so much better than me at everything. And, he chose to go into his family business, while I chose music. Our paths would have never converged anyways.”

Justin considered this for a moment. “But Zhengting is a nurse, and you’re still friends with him.”

“Zhengting… is different.” Chengcheng stumbled over his words. He didn’t know how to tell Justin that the only reason why Zhengting approached him, and the only reason why he decided to let Zhengting get close to him, was because the man quite literally wanted to protect him. “He was trying to take care of me when I first met him.”

“I think Xukun does too, though.” Justin pulled at his tag again, peering at Chengcheng. “Whenever I talk to you alone, he always tells me about silly things you’ve done, or fun trips you’ve gone on with him, or small things about you that I should look out for.”

“Really?” Chengcheng couldn’t hide his surprise. “Why would he do that?”

Justin looked at him. “Why wouldn’t he do that? He likes you a lot, Chengcheng.”

“Really.” Chengcheng bit his lip.

“Why wouldn’t you think that?”

Chengcheng paused for a long moment, dropping his gaze, feeling Justin’s eyes drag over him. He hadn’t told anyone except Zeren and Zhengting about this before, but Justin’s soft tone, and the way he had bonded with him over the past few days, made him feel more comfortable than he would have ever expected. “Xukun is… he’s so good at everything. He’s rich, smart, handsome, charming: the ideal man and son. Zhengting is perfect too; he was the dance team captain, super popular when he was still in university, graduated almost at the top of his nursing class, and he’s so fucking handsome. I wasn’t surprised when they got together, because they were both so perfect. How could I ever hold up to that?” 

He didn’t intend for his voice to waver at the very end of the question, but it cracked anyways. Chengcheng swallowed to push his feelings down.

Justin looked at him for another long moment. Chengcheng wondered how the same boy who had gotten his butt stuck in a popcorn machine and had screeched in his ears for the past weeks could be this soft and this quiet. This… pensive looking.

“You can’t hold up to Xukun, but it’s not because you’re worse than him,” the boy finally said, though he dropped his gaze when he did. “You’re cool in your own way, Chengcheng. Zhengting and Zeren know that, Yanchen knows it, Xukun definitely does if he can tell me that he admires your perseverance in music and loves you for how much you make Zhengting laugh.” His voice grew smaller. “I do too.”

“I-” Chengcheng shut his mouth. He had heard this hundreds of times before, after he had first started living with Zeren, a naive and depressed teenager struggling through college. It had felt shallow back then, even when it came from Zeren and Zhengting, who cared about him the most. But somehow, when it came from Justin’s pale mouth, it felt different. It felt real.

“Well, thanks, Justin,” he said awkwardly.

“I’m only telling the truth.” Justin picked at his sweater sleeves. “It’s something I wish I knew before too.”

His words scraped against Chengcheng’s heart. That was something he could agree with. He wished that he could have maintained that mindset even when he first got kicked out of his house, had stayed positive and strong and hopeful. Instead, he was deeply depressed, lonely, and most overwhelmingly, empty. He still was.

Chengcheng suddenly felt an inexplicable tie to the ghost boy now floating inches above the couch, playing with the hem of his sweater sleeves. Justin had brought out a calm, soothing feeling he hadn’t felt in a long time.

“Thank you.” His voice was firmer when he said this. “Thank you for telling me that.”

“They love you, Chengcheng,” Justin said quietly. “I haven’t even known all of you for that long, and I can tell. Everyone loves you.”

***

Chengcheng remembered this conversation the next time they went to Zhengting and Xukun’s big apartment downtown.

The couple had invited them to a dinner party they were hosting with a couple other friends. Chengcheng had declined at first because he was not looking forward to seeing Justin wreak havoc around a group of people who wouldn’t understand why things were moving around they way they were, but thought of how annoyingly upset Zhengting would be with him if he didn’t go (“You can’t not show up when I’m cooking!”) and relented in the end.

“So we’re literally just bringing a store-bought fruit platter to Zhengting and Xukun’s fancy-ass penthouse?” Justin floated on his stomach by Chengcheng’s head, staring unimpressed at the plastic platter Chengcheng had in his hands.

“I can’t cook nearly as well as whatever shit they’re going to be whipping up.” Chengcheng reached up and flicked Justin on the leg. “And some of the people going are incredible cooks as well.”

Justin rolled over on his back and continued to float after him. “Are they your friends?”

“Not-- No?” Chengcheng paused to think about it. “Probably not?”

Justin turned his head to stare at him. “So they are.”

“No, they’re Zhengting’s--”

Justin rolled his eyes. “I’ll bet that they’re yours too.”

It was a smaller dinner party that night than the ones Xukun and Zhengting usually held. Zeren was there, so thus, Yanchen was there as well. So were his medical school friends (and also, Chengcheng’s coworkers), Xingjie and Xiao Gui. Zhengting’s friend, Wenjun, was there as well, along with his boyfriend, Xikan, and their other friend, Xinchun. Linong, Xukun’s best friend, wasn’t there, however. Chengcheng didn’t see Zhangjing or Yanjun there either. 

Justin immediately floated towards Zeren and Yanchen at the back of the living room, smiling wide. Chengcheng let out a breath of relief that the boy was listening to him and not trying to wreak havoc amongst the guests that didn’t know of him yet. He didn’t want Zhengting’s nice dinner party to turn into a screamfest. 

It was a buffet style dinner, which meant that Chengcheng could go right up to the food in the pretty kitchen Zhengting had and scoop up whatever he wanted to eat, so he did that. He shuffled quietly over to the food, piling some noodles onto his plate and hoping that Wenjun and Xiao Gui, who were talking by him, wouldn’t address him.

He wasn’t so lucky. “Hey Chengcheng.” Wenjun turned as soon as Chengcheng slipped by him and smiled at him with all of his handsome features. “I haven’t seen you in a while.”

“Chengcheng’s a hermit,” Xiao Gui jeered. He tossed his bright green hair back. “You never see him unless Zhengting really pushes him to.”

Though their voices were light and conversational, Chengcheng couldn’t help but notice for the first time ever the genuine interest they had in their eyes for him. Maybe Justin’s sentiments were getting to him. “I’ve been working on my classes,” he defended sheepishly.

“Classes my ass.” Xiao Gui snorted and popped a grape into his mouth. “Just admit you’re a hermit and get it over with.”

“Be nice.” Wenjun smiled at him again. “Chengcheng is a good student, unlike you.”

“Now who’s the one who needs to be nice?”

“Well, I’ve been trying to finish this one project in one of my music composition classes,” Chengcheng decided to say. They didn’t need to know that he was too busy trying to bring Justin around the city to give in to his many demands. “I have to write a song.”

“Oh? You’re not bad at songwriting.” Xiao Gui studied him with more serious eyes now. “Yanchen’s shown me a few of your songs.”

Chengcheng was momentarily surprised that Yanchen, who he’d thought only considered him an acquaintance, would show his friends some of Chengcheng’s works, but let it pass. “Uh, thanks. But for some reason I’m having trouble with this one. The prof wants me to write something that ‘shows emotion’, and it’s hard to do that when someone explicitly tells you to do so, you know?”

Wenjun looked thoughtful. “I’ve heard some of your songs before, and I think all of them sound great. Maybe you need something to give you that little push?”

Xiao Gui wiggled his eyebrows. “Emotional song, huh? Maybe you need to go through a break-up if you want something agonizing .”

Chengcheng laughed. “I’d have to date someone first.”

“Don’t you have a special someone?” Wenjun asked politely. “Zhengting is always telling me about how you’re travelling around the city, visiting cat cafes and going swimming, and the Chengcheng I know doesn’t usually do that.”

“What?” Xiao Gui screeched. “You’re dating someone and you didn’t tell us?”

Perhaps Chengcheng should have been more affronted by the claims that he was dating someone, but what stunned him was the easy camaraderie and concern the both of them were looking and talking to him with. Justin’s words came floating back to him, and for a second, Chengcheng thought that maybe the boy was right; maybe more people cared for him than he had thought.

“Uh…” Chengcheng blanked out, his eyes staring past Wenjun and zoning on a very excited Justin, jabbering rapidly away at Zhengting and Yanchen. 

“So it’s true!” Xiao Gui yelled, jabbing a finger at Chengcheng’s arm. “You got a girlfriend? Boyfriend? How did you guys get together?”

“What are you staring at?” Wenjun spun around, making Chengcheng realize that he was still staring at Justin’s bright face. “Xinchun? I think he has a crush on one of the boys from the acting department already.”

“Oh is that him?” Xiao Gui smiled at Chengcheng’s face of protest. “Don’t worry, Chengcheng. You could probably win him over. You’re handsome, smart, and chill. I say go for it!”

“I-” Chengcheng started, then sighed. “He’s not the one.”

“Oh so there is someone you have in mind!” Wenjun said brightly. “Xikan would be so glad to hear about this!”

“Xikan--? No, no, I meant--” Chengcheng spluttered, to both of their amusement. It did not help that in that exact moment, Justin looked his way and sent him a shit-eating grin at how red his face had become.

“Then who is it--” Xiao Gui jabbered, but died down when he saw who was standing by Chengcheng’s side. “Oh, hey, Xukun.”

“Xiao Gui, Wenjun.” Xukun nodded amicably at both of them. “I thought I’d borrow Chengcheng for a moment. Would you mind?”

“Of course not. As long as you return him so that we can find out who our little hermit is in love with!” Wenjun chuckled, then pushed Chengcheng into Xukun’s side. “Chengcheng, don’t try to avoid us later!”

Then, before he could object, the two of them joined Zeren, Xingjie, and Xinchun at the couches.

Xukun chuckled. “I’m going to say that I got you out of an awkward situation.”

“Yeah, thanks, Xukun.” Chengcheng nodded, relieved and already beginning to make his way to join Justin and the others by the window. However, before he could move a step, Xukun’s voice stopped him again.

“You’re not done your food yet, and I still need to eat. How about we eat together?”

Chengcheng paused. On any other day, he would politely decline and retreat to the safety of those he cared about the most, not afraid of talking to others, but just maintaining a distance. He didn’t want to mess up again. But Justin’s comments about Xukun before, as well as the realization that some of his acquaintances, such as Wenjun and Xiao Gui, were more concerned with him than he had thought, made him feel braver than he had felt in a long time. “Sure.”

Xukun grinned and led the two of them to the long granite counters, gesturing to one of the tall chairs. Chengcheng took it and began to eat with his food perched on his legs. Xukun mirrored him, all the while staring at Zhengting with a face so soft that Chengcheng was afraid that he would melt.

They didn’t talk, but it was more comfortable than Chengcheng thought it would be. He stared at Justin again, the boy now floating by Zhengting’s shoulder as the man showed him something on his phone. 

“They’re pretty cute, aren’t they?” Xukun said suddenly, prompting Chengcheng to spin his chair around to face him.

“Lively,” he said back, aware suddenly that this was the first time in a very long time that he was talking to Xukun alone, without Zhengting or Zeren or even Justin to mediate.  

Xukun smiled and took a sip of wine. His black hair shone under the hanging lights “Zhengting really enjoys hanging out with Justin.”

“Yeah, I can tell.” Zhengting suddenly reached up and patted Justin on the cheek, the boy grinning from ear to ear. “Justin likes Zhengting a lot too.”

“He thinks he’s adorable,” Xukun added. “Cute and innocent. Makes him want to baby him.”

Chengcheng nodded and shoved a piece of broccoli in his mouth so that he wouldn’t have to respond. He caught Justin’s eye and smiled at him the best he could through a mouthful of vegetables. 

“Zhengting really likes spending time with you too.” Xukun mused a moment later. He swivelled the wine around in the glass as he peered over the rim at him. “He talks about you a lot.”

“Yeah.” Chengcheng was surprised with how sure he felt of that. “I really hope he does, at least.”

“You don’t need to worry.” Xukun laughed. “You make Zhengting happy, which is why I like you. I like people who make Zhengting happy.”

Just like with Wenjun and Xiao Gui earlier, Chengcheng was slowly becoming aware that perhaps, Xukun wasn’t as distant from him as he had thought. Even now, he looked professional: a perfect glass cut image of the rich heir and business man he was. However, there was a softness to him as well with how he looked at Zhengting and Justin playing around, and, he was realizing, perhaps even with the way he looked at Chengcheng.

Chengcheng suddenly remembered all the times Xukun came to give him a ride after work. The man always said that Zhengting ordered him to do so, and usually brought one of his other friends to balance out the painfully awkward and closed off person Chengcheng was, but maybe, just maybe, he was doing it because he wanted to spend time with Chengcheng as well. 

Maybe, even, it was because he cared about him.

Seeing the blank look Chengcheng must have had on, Xukun added slowly, “one of the reasons why Zhengting likes Justin so much is because of you, you know.”

Chengcheng furrowed his brows. “What do you mean?”

“He thinks that you’ve been more happy with him here. Even if he’s more stressed with making sure that you don’t fuck up too much, Zhengting still notices that you seem happier, and that you don’t feel as lonely anymore.” He added, “You seem more open too.”

Chengcheng looked at Justin and Zhengting. “Do I?”

“Well, we haven’t spent much time one on one.” Xukun sighed and set down his glass on the counter. “But I think at the very least, you’re more happy. You smile a lot more than before, and it’s more genuine now.”

Justin, apparently arguing with Zhengting over something, suddenly zoomed to the ceiling, shrieking for Chengcheng to come and tell Zhengting that he was an idiot. Zhengting, in turn, hissed at Xukun to come be the voice of reason, all the while waving his phone around the air. Yanchen, occupied with talking to Xingjie about some lab they did the week earlier, was trying extremely hard not to laugh and give away the reason why Zhengting was seemingly talking about nothing. Chengcheng looked at Justin’s distressed face and couldn’t help but smile.

“See, that’s what I meant,” Xukun murmured before standing up and asking Zhengting why the two of them were terrorizing each other so much.

Despite all the arguing, Justin caught his eye and grinned.

***

He thought about what Xukun had said later on that night, when he was working on the song again. 

Xukun was a pretty good guy, he decided, as he spliced together some tunes. It was nice of him to say those things to him, no matter if they were true or not. The same went for Wenjun and Xiao Gui. It was kind of them to check up on him and let him be a part of their conversation.

Somehow, he wasn’t as panicked as he was before when he realized that he was getting close to someone. It had happened before-- Zhengting’s or Zeren’s friends would ask him if he wanted to come to something and he’d recoil both physically and mentally-- and he’d go back home miserable and alone. However, this time, all he felt was a sort of still calmness. It felt good, for once, to have people who cared about him.

Justin was right after all.

Justin really was a funny kid, Chengcheng thought. Even if he drove him to his wits end at times, he couldn’t deny that he had grown to like the constant prattling by his ears about his classes, his coworkers, the couple that lived beside them. And he did make his day just a little more fun, with how he joked around a lot and laughed at Chengcheng’s dumb antics. 

There was something else too, but Chengcheng couldn’t seem to put a finger on it.

Presently, he heard a clap of thunder outside, and he looked up to see that it had begun to rain, the dark clouds in the sky sending fat raindrops pelting onto the roof and windows. 

Unlike many other people, Chengcheng rather liked the rain. He liked how wet and grey it made everything, and how it made him feel like he was safe in his own little house. It also put him in a musical mood; Chengcheng’s best music was usually composed when it was raining.

So, he decided that he would move to the living room, where he could sit by the large window that led out to the tiny porch and look at the raindrops hitting the glass. He even thought up a spot to sit at: he could lean against the wall right beside the door.

However, when he quietly shuffled to the window, he realized that the ghost had already taken his spot. 

Justin apparently hadn’t heard him come in, since he kept his eyes trained on the window outside. He looked so small, Chengcheng thought, with how he was curled up, floating just an inch above the ground. 

He still didn’t look at Chengcheng when he moved to sit beside him, settling down with his laptop on top of his legs. Instead, he looked up at where a trail of rain was sliding together along the roof, merging together and dripping down onto the concrete porch below.

It wasn’t the first time Chengcheng had found him like this, staring out the window on a dreary day, silent rather than loud and funny. On these days, the colour of his body seemed dimmer, the grey and silver shining through more brightly. 

Finally, Justin turned towards him, but only for a moment. He looked at Chengcheng with his large, searching, dark eyes, offering up a small smile, before turning back to look out at the sky.

Chengcheng stared at the side of his head for a long time. 

On those days, he realized, Justin looked sad.

***

“How did he die?” Zeren asked him once, when Chengcheng had brought him and Justin over to visit Zeren and Yanchen at their new couple’s apartment.

Chengcheng looked at Justin peering over Yanchen’s shoulder, shrieking at whatever video game they were playing. He didn’t answer him.

***

The days went on as usual. Chengcheng took Justin around with him, making sure that he was letting him experience everything he had missed out when he was alive.

They went swimming. Chengcheng jumped into the pool and came up only to find that Justin was already sitting on his shoulders, gleefully pointing out that he looked like an idiot when he jumped in.

They went shopping. Zhengting and Zeren dragged Chengcheng to the mall, though he suspected that they only wanted to dress Justin up. He was proven right when Zhengting held up a shirt with a price tag only Xukun’s card could afford and asked Justin if he’d like to try it on.

They saw a movie. Justin demanded that Chengcheng buy him a seat, despite Chengcheng’s protests that the boy could literally just float in the air comfortably. Later on, Chengcheng poked fun at him for somehow being scared of the ghosts in the movie they watched when he was quite literally a ghost himself.

They even went to a party. Justin whined at him enough for him to accept Zeren’s invitation to go to a houseparty that Xingjie and his friends were hosting. Chengcheng drank and tried to look cool playing beer pong, but failed miserably until Justin levitated over the table and guided his ball into the cups. Justin gloated about how good he was at the game the entire way back home.

It was fun, he had to admit. He hadn’t done any of those things in a very, very long time, and doing them with Justin felt like he was also experiencing them for the first time. Besides, the boy was great company when Chengcheng was actually trying to have fun. He’d react in delight to everything Chengcheng showed him, babbling away for days on end about how cool something was or how funny something else was to him. He would float around the room wherever Chengcheng went, not openly disturbing him but floating in front of people he knew couldn’t see him and made such ugly faces that he couldn’t help but laugh. That would get people to look at him funny, but Chengcheng didn’t really mind. It wasn’t like he had a reputation to hold or anything. 

The days could have been the same, but with Justin, it felt different. Chengcheng hadn’t felt so alive in years. He was smiling more, he knew now, and making more jokes. He was also noticing the people around him more, how they talked to him, how they smiled at him, how much they seemed to care. Sometimes, he didn’t even feel that gaping loneliness inside of him anymore.

Chengcheng didn’t want to admit it, but Justin really could make his entire day better just by being there. 

One evening, after a day of staying curled up under blankets, watching Youtube and ignoring messages rather than going to class, Chengcheng heard a large crash in the kitchen.

Justin had been pretty good about staying quiet around the house unless absolutely necessary, so Chengcheng sat up, tense, his mind immediately going to the worst scenarios that he could think of.

“Justin?” he called softly, but heard no response.

Now that he thought about it, Justin hadn’t bothered him much that day. Though, Chengcheng thought guiltily, it was probably because of how grouchy he had been that morning, how he had snapped at Justin to leave him alone when the boy asked him why he wasn’t going to go to class or go to lunch with Yanchen and Zeren.

Chengcheng crept out of bed, his limbs wailing at him, and into the living room.

“Justin?” he called out again, and this time, he heard a scuffling noise in return.

“I’m fine!” the boy called out, his voice higher than usual. Chengcheng frowned.

“Are you okay?” He crept into the kitchen, where he thought he heard the voice, and switched on the light.

He stared.

Justin was floating a foot off the ground, in a kneeling position, trying to pick up bits of rice and egg off the floor, his hair and upper back covered with soy sauce and more rice. There was a pan too on the ground, upside down and still smoking.

Chengcheng closed his eyes.

Justin babbled. “I-I-I’m sorry, Chengcheng. I was trying to cook something for us! You seemed super sad today, so I thought I would try to copy what you cook every morning-- that egg and rice thing-- and surprise you with it. I was just trying to get the soy sauce when my head hit the pan and the entire thing came down on me. But don’t worry. I promise I’ll clean it up. Don’t be mad! I-”

Chengcheng opened his eyes and laughed so hard he thought he would burst a lung.

***

“Maybe leave the cooking to me next time,” Chengcheng advised as he toweled off Justin’s hair. 

Justin pouted at him. “I was just trying to surprise you.” He looked sadly down at his now stained shirt. “This is my only shirt.”

Chengcheng laughed. “It’ll come out. They’re ghost clothes, it wouldn’t make sense if they could get dirty for too long. Wouldn’t it defeat the purpose of only having one outfit to last for centuries?”

“But it takes so long to go away!” Justin moaned, staring despondently at his wet, soy-sauce stained ghost-sweater. 

Chengcheng laughed again. “You should have thought of that before deciding to mess around in the kitchen.”

“If these stains last longer than a week, I’m blaming you,” he huffed, then turned up at Chengcheng. “Why were you so sad today anyways?”

Chengcheng felt his smile drop, though Justin didn’t seem discouraged. Instead, he slipped out from under the towel and sat beside him on the bed, drawing his legs up to his chin and resting his face on it. The expression he had, the one where he gazed quietly at Chengcheng’s face with his large dark eyes, biting his puffy lower lip slightly, was soft and inviting, rather than demanding.

Chengcheng swallowed. Maybe it was because he was a ghost, maybe it was because Justin had managed again to cheer him up and make him laugh until he thought he was going to pass out. Maybe it was because Justin had made him feel alive for the past few weeks, had made him feel less lonely.

“My sister got married today,” he started, dropping his gaze. “And I wasn’t invited.”

Justin didn’t say anything. He understood as well, maybe, that this was coming. Chengcheng had avoided questions about his family like the plague. A kid as sharp as Justin had to have picked up somewhere that there was a problem there somewhere.

“My parents always wanted me to go into the family business, you know, as the only son, and since my sister had been so good at managing it. They wanted me to get a business degree in the university they chose for me, and then, to eventually find a beautiful wife and have tons of babies with her.” He laughed. “I know, it sounds ridiculous for someone like me. I’m so clumsy and shy, I’ve always been.”

“As you can probably guess, I didn’t exactly want to go with those plans. I had always loved music as a kid, and even though my parents didn’t let me listen to it or take music lessons like I wanted to, I still found ways to get around it.” He laughed again. “Zeren used to sneak over to my house and lend me his iPod, so that I could listen to tracks that he was dancing to in his dance classes or that he just thought were cool. I spent a lot of time listening to those songs in high school, even writing my own pieces sometimes, until I was sure that this was what I actually wanted to do in life.”

“My parents weren’t exactly happy when I told them that I was going to attend a different college-- one that specialized in the arts-- and was going to take music instead of business. They were furious that I was going to give up the family business, that their son was going to try to become a musician, that I wouldn’t make any money.” Chengcheng looked out the window at how the clouds had covered up the curved moon. “Guess it was a bad time to drop that I liked boys instead of girls too. They threw me out right after that.”

“And then what?” Justin said softly. Out of the corner of his eye, Chengcheng saw that he was gazing at him intensely, so bright yet so gentle that Chengcheng didn’t dare to turn and look him in the face.

“Nothing much. Zeren got into the same college, so we decided to move in together. I got a job at the movies, and eventually met Zhengting when he invited me to tag along to the dance club’s dinner with him and Zeren and a lot of their other friends. I managed to pick myself up and learn how to live on my own without my family in the past three, almost four years now. It’s not that bad.” Outside, the clouds were moving away from the moon, letting more light shine through. He said more quietly. “But it still hurts sometimes, when I think about it. I got kicked out of a family that I thought loved me. I knew that they wouldn’t accept me for what I wanted to do and for who I was, but I didn’t think they would cut me out completely.”

He swallowed. “It hurt.”

There was a long moment of silence. Chengcheng blinked hard to get rid of the stinging feeling in his eyes and swallowed hard. Finally, Justin murmured, “And today was your sister’s wedding?”

Chengcheng nodded. “I saw on our family friend’s Instagram. I didn’t even know that she got engaged.”

Justin was silent for a long moment. Then, he floated forward, uncurling his legs and holding out his arms. He looked at Chengcheng.

Chengcheng didn’t like being hugged, not even by Zhengting and Zeren. He generally didn’t even let any other people touch him. He wasn’t used to seeming vulnerable, having spent years of his life building up a sort of shield around himself where he could feel safe, where he felt like he would never be left behind again. 

But that didn’t prevent him from moving forward and burying his face in the crook of Justin’s neck, wrapping his arms around his skinny frame tightly, and feeling Justin curl around him in return.

The sensation of hugging a ghost was strange, like he was lost in a swirling, rush of warm water. It was strange, but he realized that he rather liked it. 

It made him feel alive.

***

The song seemed like it was getting easier to write. Chengcheng stopped taking things out and starting to layer more on top instead: tunes and melodies, beats and rhythms. He spliced them on top of each other and listened to them together, hearing it differently every time he played it to himself. 

Justin seemed to like it at least, with how he smiled every time he listened to it. Chengcheng looked at how his eyes curved a little, how his cute little nose scrunched up when the song got to the louder parts, and felt something warm and comfortable spreading across his chest.

He thought he liked it too, how it made him feel.

***

But other days, when he caught Justin listening to it, he didn’t see the boy smile.

Instead, the boy wouldn’t show any expression at all. He’d float around the room, bathed in the quiet noise of the music, head in his hands as he looked out the window. 

Even though he seemed to grow happier as the days went on, filling in the spaces in Chengcheng’s life he didn’t even know he had with his bright laughter and incessant ideas, he seemed to only grow sadder when he thought he was alone.

Chengcheng saw him a few more times looking out at the rain, eyes sad and lonely all at once.

And as he lay beside him on the little cot right below the bed, Chengcheng began to notice that Justin was a quiet sort of sad under all the happiness. Even if the day before had been one of the happiest, brightest days Chengcheng had ever experienced, Justin still had the same expression when he slept. Not of grief, but a poignancy of some kind.

Chengcheng would glance at the bathroom during those times, thinking of what Zeren had asked him.

***

Exam season crept around the corner and slapped him across the face. As a third-year, Chengcheng had a number of exams that he had to study for, so the first thing he did was to sit Justin down and recreate a list of rules he had to obey while he was studying for exams.

“No bothering me at all while I’m studying. No trying to convince me to bring you along for exams. No messing with me when I’m trying to ask my professor something.”

Justin was pretty obedient about it, quietly watching something on Chengcheng’s phone while Chengcheng studied, a silent presence curled up in his sheets. Chengcheng tried not to let himself be distracted, plugging his ears with study music, and only allowing himself a small glance at the boy every once in a while when he thought he had studied hard enough.

Sometimes, Justin would disappear, and Chengcheng would flip open his textbooks to a new chapter to study. Then, the boy would be back, holding two mugs of tea in his hands, floating towards Chengcheng wordlessly to let him take it from him.

It was the most quiet he had had in a while after Justin had come into his life, but he welcomed it. Even though studying usually made him feel lonely and desolate, with Justin snuggled up in his blankets, it just felt like any other quiet, focused afternoon. He enjoyed it immensely. 

A week before his first exam, Chengcheng decided that, to reward Justin for being so quiet and supportive for him when he was studying, he would take him to see Zeren’s dance club’s annual performance.

Justin shot up in the air when he told him this, plastering himself dramatically against the ceiling.

“Oh my god, thank god. I was getting so bored.”

“So you’re only this excited to see Zeren’s dance performance because you’re bored,” Chengcheng teased, stripping off his shirt to change into something more presentable than the stained and wrinkled pajamas he had been lounging in all week. “I’m going to tell him you said that.”

Justin rolled his eyes at him. “He would never believe you. I’ve been whining to see him dance ever since I met him.”

Chengcheng pulled on a dark blue hoodie and some skinny black jeans. “Then you’re in for a treat. Zeren’s dance club is so talented, and Zeren is an amazing dancer.”

“I’ve heard.” Justin scrunched up his cute nose. “He never fails to remind me.”

Yanchen picked the two of them up, grinning when Justin zoomed across the evening air, squeezed through the window, and settled himself in the front seat. Yanchen was someone Chengcheng was noticing more nowadays too. Chengcheng hadn’t noticed how many shared interests they had before, like music taste and even television shows, but like everything else, Justin had changed that. He beamed at a very unimpressed Chengcheng, who resigned himself to sit in the back seat.

“Sorry, Cheng. You’re slow now that you’ve stayed holed up in your room for a week.” Justin laughed as he looked back with a gleeful expression at whatever face Chengcheng was sporting.

“What was he like?” Yanchen humoured him, eyes on the road but still grinning.

Justin gasped and launched into an extremely exaggerated account of how Chengcheng had raged at him on the first day of studying to keep quiet, and had assumed a character that he could only equate to a bear in hibernation. Chengcheng rolled his eyes at how his character was being twisted, but couldn’t help but smile at Justin’s beaming face.

***

Zeren’s performance was, as he had expected, wonderful.

Watching him dance in his groups, in his trios, and even in a solo piece, Chengcheng felt an excitement he hadn’t felt in a long, long time. The crowd that had gathered to watch the performance was mostly composed of other college students and their friends, and with all of them apparently using the performance as a last bit of fun before exams, the atmosphere was loud and lively.

Chengcheng laughed at the funny choreography and clapped when each piece was over. Justin was floating just around his shoulders, screaming whenever Zeren appeared on stage, and Chengcheng found himself cheering with him. Zhengting and Xukun had come to watch too, and the four of them managed to scream themselves hoarse to support their friend. 

It was so fun, Chengcheng was sorry when it was over. 

Yanchen hadn’t watched the performance with them, having instead acquired a front row ticket to watch his boyfriend’s performance, but they met up with him as soon as the performance was finished so that they could receive Zeren to take him out for dinner. 

“Zeren!” Justin shrieked, when they caught sight of the short, sweaty man beside his beaming boyfriend. He clambered off Chengcheng’s shoulders and threw himself into Zeren’s arms, Zeren almost toppling back into Yanchen’s chest with the force of the impact.

“Hi Justin.” Zeren laughed and ruffled the boy’s hair. “You got to watch me dance in the end.”

“Yeah, and it was amazing!” Justin’s eyes were shining. “You really weren’t joking when you said that you were good.”

“Now you just have to watch me dance.” Zhengting came up to them and pulled both of them into a sloppy hug, smiling from ear to ear. “I was dancing as part of this club, way before Zeren joined, Justin!”

Justin laughed and said that he would like to see him perform sometime, and all three of them went back to talking about how beautiful the performance was. 

Chengcheng found himself standing with Xukun and Yanchen, the two of them smiling at their respective boyfriends yelling and hugging. Though before he would have been uncomfortable with hanging out with them without Zeren or Zhengting to act as a mediator, today, it felt quite natural. 

Xukun asked him about how studying for his exams went and if Justin had been a nuisance, and when he was finished telling him about their focused little symbiotic relationship, Yanchen stepped in and asked how Chengcheng’s songwriting was going.

“Surprisingly well, actually. I think I’m actually getting the feelings I want to show my professor. I’m not done though. I think there’s still something missing, but I’m going to wait for it to come naturally. The project isn’t due until after exams anyways.”

Xukun and Yanchen began to talk about Yanchen’s medical school programs he was considering, and he politely listened in, though he didn’t have a clue what they were talking about. Both of them were too smart for him, so he spent the time instead watching Justin scream with laughter as he floated around Zeren and Zhengting, face bright and happy and warm.

Justin threw his arms around the two of them, tugging them close to him, and a thought suddenly sprang into Chengcheng’s mind. 

Does Justin have to leave?  

He stiffened at the question.

It had been months now since he had met the boy, months since the boy had told him that he wanted to live the life of a normal, happy person before he could truly move on. Months since Chengcheng had agreed to help him, taking him around campus so that he could watch movies, go to the gym, attend classes, and go to work. He had introduced his friends to him, had gone to parties with him, had gone shopping with him.

There had to be an end to what Justin wanted before he could move on, but when, and after what?

He shivered at the thought. Despite his best efforts, he couldn’t help but let the selfish thought creep into his mind.

I don’t want him to go , he realized, the sensation like pouring a large bucket of ice water down his back. I don’t want Justin to leave.

Justin had found a place in his life, had filled in the empty spaces that he never would have been able to fill on his own, had patched him up when he was sad, had listened to him, had made him happy. 

He had filled the hollow space Chengcheng had kept in his heart ever since his parents told him that they didn’t love him, and that he had no right to ever love them again.

Falling in love with Justin was so easy, he thought, watching Justin throw his head back and laugh, his eyes and nose scrunching up. He had thought that for a person like him, a person who had hated and distrusted love, had kept his heart barred to keep anyone from coming in and breaking it again, it would be a monumental process, filled with passion and anger. Instead, it was like falling asleep in a shallow pool, letting the waters submerge him and warm him from the inside out, filling up his entire being until he couldn’t help but feel warm when he looked at him.

Chengcheng stared at Justin until the boy looked up again and grinned at him. Seeing the stretch of his smile, the way his eyes curved and softened at Chengcheng in a way that he hadn’t shown anyone else that evening, or frankly, for anyone anytime, Chengcheng realized something.

Justin knew what he was missing before he could move on, and he was just as afraid as Chengcheng was when it came to what would come next.

***

It rained on the way back to the apartment.

But it wasn’t raining when Chengcheng declined Yanchen’s offer to drive him back. It had been pretty warm then, the almost-summer air sweet against his tongue, enough so that he felt like he’d rather spend half an hour walking home rather than sitting through a ten minute drive.

Justin didn’t seem to mind either. He hugged all four of the others, thanking them for a fun night and cracking a few more jokes, before floating up against Chengcheng again, smiling at him as if asking when they would leave.

They spent the walk home talking about the performance, Chengcheng having not had the opportunity to talk to Justin privately about it yet. And even then, to his unsurprised amusement, most of it was just Justin talking. Not that he minded though. He had grown to enjoy the jabber of Justin’s voice.

The rain began to fall when they were a few blocks away from their apartment. With no umbrella, Chengcheng moved them underneath some trees, though the canopy of the leaves above him didn’t do much in blocking out the rain. 

Just when he was about to complain about how wet they would be, however, he felt something warm above him and looked up.

Justin grinned down at him from where he was floating above Chengcheng’s head, shielding him from the rain. “Better if just one person gets wet than two.”

Chengcheng protested that Justin was going to get even more wet now, and tried to pull the boy down so that he could shield both of them under his jacket inste, but the ghost laughed and darted away from his hands enough times that he resigned himself to a sigh and a warning that he wasn’t going to help him towel off when they got home. 

He swallowed his words immediately when they bundled back into their apartment and he turned to see that Justin was wet and shivering all over, like a kitten left out in the rain. He scolded him for not listening to him before dragging him to the bathroom and patting him down with towels.

When he saw that the boy was reasonably dry and snuggled up in the bed, still jabbering away about something, he rolled his eyes and told him that he was going to take a shower, and to go to bed first.

But knowing Justin, he should have expected the empty bed when he came back out of the bathroom, towelling at his hair. Justin wasn’t one to sleep this early, if he slept at all.

The rain was still falling outside, hitting the roof and splattering against the windows.

Chengcheng thought he knew where Justin was.

He crept into the living room, and just as he had expected, the boy was sitting in the spot he always sat at when the skies were dark and grey and stormy, legs curled up under him, his eyes trained on the clouds outside. A flash of lighting streaked across the sky, highlighting the silver in his brown hair.

Chengcheng shuffled over and took a spot opposite from him in front of the large window, deciding not to say anything just yet.

Thoughts probed at his mind, most having to do with what he had thought of during the evening, about dying, about regrets, about moving on. He looked at Justin’s reserved, still face as he looked out at the rain, and thought that he looked sadder and hollower than he had ever looked before.

Maybe that was the real reason why he was drawn to him, the sadness, and not necessarily just the happiness. Justin was the only one who seemed to carry the same feeling of loneliness with him around him, even when he was happy and funny and bright. It was a feeling Chengcheng had hated and loved, and that he had grown accustomed to until Justin had crashed into his life and filled up the cracks in his heart. It was something only Justin could understand, and that Chengcheng wanted to understand as well.

“Justin,” Chengcheng said softly, watching the other boy curl the blurry outline of his legs closer to his body.

Justin turned to him, eyes soft. “What?”

He must have known what was coming, because his lips were trembling, though his eyes were as bright and alive than ever before. “How did you die?”

Justin looked at him for a long time. The stars had begun to shine through the rain somehow, appearing like little lanterns in the deep stormy grey of the sky behind him. They shone through his body, though for Chengcheng, Justin had always shined brighter than anything else anyways. “Do you really want to know?”

Chengcheng was silent.

He thought of how the boy looked when it was raining, the way he floated against the windows, staring at how the raindrops hit the window. He had done the same thing when he was a child, watching how the rain would hit the glass and slide down to the bottom, getting smaller and smaller and faster and faster until they disappeared altogether. 

He thought of all his pain and of all his hate, all the barriers he had raised around himself, and of how all it took was one boy to make him take all of them down.

He thought of how Justin made him feel, of how he had died in the bathroom, of his sadness and of his loneliness and of the way he looked at Chengcheng like he was the only thing that mattered in the world.

“Tell me.”

Justin was silent for a long time, but when he answered, his voice didn’t shake. “I killed myself. In the bathroom.”

He had guessed the answer a long time ago, but it didn’t make hearing it hurt any less.

Chengcheng didn’t move, but Justin went on anyway. “I think I was like you, twenty years ago. A boy just graduating from high school. I had a mother and a father and a little sister and lots of friends and a scholarship for a university. I felt invincible.”

Gently, he raised his hand to the metal tag that hung from his neck. “I got this one from my best friend. He gave it to me on my eighteenth birthday. A growing-up present to remind me to always look forward.”

“I believed it, so I told my parents something they hadn't known before. I told them that I liked boys.” He smiled bitterly. “I was so naive, thinking that they would be okay with it. I was thrown out in less than a day.”

The rain began to fall even harder. Chengcheng closed his eyes, and saw an eighteen-year-old Justin, still a kid, lost in the rain with nowhere and no one to go to.

“My friends and family all left me, and all the clubs I was part of, everyone that looked up to me were suddenly gone. Disappeared. Even the friend who had given me the necklace.” He closed his hand around the tag. “I was all alone, having lost everything in the span of a few days.”

“I felt like what you probably felt like when you got kicked out, just, I didn’t have friends to support me like you had Zeren. I had what I had in my bank account, the shittiest, cheapest apartment I could find, and a shattered perception of my life.”

Justin paused before going on. “I thought I was invincible, Chengcheng. No one wanted me for who I was.”

“The days that followed were the worst I’ve ever experienced, and I remember dying, Chengcheng. I stopped eating and going out. I was afraid to leave the house because I was so used to being trapped in my own head.”

“Then, one day, it started to rain, just like right now. I crawled my way to this spot right here and I looked out at the drops hitting the glass, and it just suddenly hit me how lonely I was in the entire world. I was such a shining star before-- loved and loved by so many people-- and all of a sudden, I was a weak, sad, lonely, depressed teenager with no way out of my head.”

He turned misty eyes to Chengcheng. “No one loved me.”

He took a deep breath, then said quietly. “I got to think about it more after I had done it, after I woke up and found myself bound to the brush, realizing that I couldn’t move on until I had done what I hadn’t had the chance to complete when I was alive. I hated it at first, you know. All I wanted was to be a star, to be the person everyone loved, so I didn’t want to resign myself to just moving on. It seemed so against everything I wanted before.” He sighed, blinked a few times. “But I don’t think that way anymore. I just want peace now, Chengcheng. These days with you... I've gotten to do things I hadn't done in a long time, and I'm grateful fo that. But it's also shown me that I’m tired of being in this place in between, not dead but not truly alive either, waiting and waiting until I could be brave enough to find what I was meant to find before I died and could move on to whatever comes next.”

Justin looked at him again and reached forward, raising a hand up against his face. “You’re crying, Chengcheng.”

“Am I?” Chengcheng touched his face, his fingers brushing against Justin’s and feeling the wetness down his cheeks.

Justin didn’t move his fingers away. Instead, he looked into Chengcheng’s eyes and smiled again, so gently and so beautifully that it made Chengcheng’s chest hurt. “Why are you crying?”

“Are you ready to move on?” he answered a question with a question.

Justin studied him for a few moments. “I think I am, but I’m afraid,” he admitted finally.

“What are you afraid of?”

Justin looked at him for another long moment. Chengcheng felt his heart warm as the boy floated even closer to him, his skin brushing against Chengcheng’s, the swirling sensation of his body enveloping him like water. He thought he knew what Justin was afraid of.

“Don’t be afraid,” he answered for him, hands moving to pull him in closer. “You deserve peace, Justin. This is for the best.”

“I don’t want to leave you,” Justin whispered. A tear ran down his cheek and past his trembling mouth.

Chengcheng brushed it away. “You made me feel like I was alive for the first time in my life.”

“I love you,” he said gently, cupping Justin’s face in his hands. His face was warm and swirling under his fingertips. “I love you, Justin.”

Justin’s eyes were glossy as he tucked his skinny arms behind Chengcheng’s neck. He looked at Chengcheng for a long moment, mouth and pupils quivering, like he was afraid of what was going to leave his mouth. “I love you too.”

Chengcheng wasn’t the one who kissed him. Justin did it himself.

When Justin began to fade away, it wasn’t because it had been time. It was because he had accepted that his life was finally fulfilled, that he loved and was loved back; he deserved peace finally. 

Chengcheng thought that he could feel Justin crying-- the drops on his cheeks were so cold-- but when he opened his eyes and found himself alone, pressed up against the wall, his arms cold but his mouth still warm, he realized that the tears were his own.

***

Chengcheng learned to live life without Justin. 

He passed his exams without too much of a hassle. He had spent a good amount of time studying for them, so it would have been a surprise to him if he didn’t pass. The worst part about the exams, after all, wasn’t writing them. It was coming home every day that week, expecting a ghostly boy to appear, beaming, just around the corner, only to remember that Justin had moved on, had gone to heaven, to hell, to rebirth, to whatever was peace for him.

Zhengting and Zeren were there for him, at least.

When they heard the news, they didn’t come rushing to him like he had thought they would, and he was glad for it. He needed the bit of space to think and finish his exams, so that he could lock himself away and just have some time to himself.

But when exam season was done, Zhengting came to see him and offered, very gently, for Chengcheng to come live with him and Xukun for a bit again. This time, Chengcheng didn’t have the heart to reject him.

He packed up some of his stuff and got into the car and didn’t look back at the apartment when they drove off.

Justin really had made him soft. He had settled into his heart and lowered all of his barriers, making him more trusting and emotional than he would have liked.

That night, in Zhengting’s embrace, he wept until he couldn’t stand the selfish sadness tearing at him anymore.

“Justin wouldn’t want to see you cry,” Zhengting said softly, after Chengcheng had finally ceased, in the dark hours of the morning. “He would have liked to see you move on with your life.”

“But how?” Chengcheng wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. It was a silly question, but he was sad and lonely and Justin wasn’t there anymore to cheer him up. 

Zhengting studied him. “I think you know how. Justin changed you, Chengcheng. You’re so much more open now, so much more willing to be vulnerable and emotional. It’s not just you, you know. I love you, maybe not the same way Justin did, but I love you, and Kunkun does too. Zeren and Yanchen love you, and all of our other friends that you don’t think are your friends do too. You don’t have to be alone anymore.”

Chengcheng looked back at Zhengting’s pretty face. Hearing Justin’s name from someone else’s mouth was excruciating, but maybe, the raw, unforgiving feeling was what he needed.

His lip trembled. “He’s gone, Zhengting! Justin’s gone!”

He collapsed into Zhengting’s arms, sobbing louder than he had ever before. Zhengting held him through it, patting his back every few moments.

***

When he finally remembered that he had a final project to finish for his musical theory class, weeks later, he slowly crawled to his laptop and pulled it up, unwilling to fail a class that had given him so many memories.

The song was so close to being done. Chengcheng had left it when he realized that there was only one thing left to do, something that would tie all of the melodies together. He had left it, because he had wanted it to come to him naturally.

He finished the song with a tune to link all of the other melodies, all of the other beats together. It was a simple tune, but strong and beautiful and sweet and, if he listened to it for too long, like the sharp edge of a blade.

When he was done, he played the entire song back to himself. He heard the different layers he had added over the months, the array of emotions he had chosen to display, all of the memories that he shared with a boy who he had loved, and who showed him that there was more to life than just sadness and loneliness.

Chengcheng listened and tried not to cry again. 

Zeren knocked on the door, asking carefully if Chengcheng wanted to go out to eat, and he got up, brushing off his pants. 

He would go out to eat. He would live like he was supposed to live. 

He left the song playing when he shut the door behind him.

***

Chengcheng swore loudly as he ran down the stairs, cursing himself for dropping something so carelessly off the side of his porch.

Even after years, he was still just as clumsy as he was when he was a teenager.

Chengcheng jumped down the last flight in one large step. A voice that sounded suspiciously like Zeren’s was nagging him at the back of his head, scolding him for dropping something that was so precious down his apartment.

Zeren had scolded him for the same thing just a week earlier. He had lost the music for the artist he was producing a track for at work, having misplaced them somewhere in the recording studio. Zeren had come in to help after Chengcheng had made a hysterical phone call to him, had searched on his hands and knees, complaining the entire time and muttering about Chengcheng’s inadequacies, around the studio until he had found the music under the sofa. Then, he had yelled at Chengcheng for a good ten minutes about taking care of things that were important to him.

Zhengting probably would have called him to berate him for the same thing, but he was planning a wedding with Xukun, and was already at his wits end just making sure he could get married by the summer. Chengcheng was planning on surprising him with the best bachelors party he could think of with Zeren, Xiao Gui, Xinchun, and the rest of Chengcheng’s friends. He was planning on making some music just for the wedding too.

However, both Zeren’s scolding and Zhengting’s pseudo-scolding apparently didn’t prevent him from dropping his most precious possession down the balcony and onto the dusty gardens below.

Chengcheng rounded the corner, praying that no one had taken it in the brief moment he had spent running down the stairs-- the damn apartment complex still hadn’t built an elevator--, all the time reassuring himself that no one would touch a stupid toilet brush on the sidewalk, before looking up and grinding to a halt.

The brush wasn’t where he had dropped it. 

Panicked, he began to trudge through the garden, brushing aside tall grasses and scurrying around the grass.

Where is it, where is it, where is it, where is it--

He was aware that he probably looked ridiculous, on his hands and knees in a bed of dirt, frantically pawing at the grass and flowers.

Then suddenly, he felt a tap on his shoulder.

Chengcheng turned around.

His mouth fell open.

A boy was standing on the sidewalk, holding the toilet brush that he had dropped, eyebrows furrowed and face confused, gaping back at Chengcheng. He was a pretty cute kid, maybe in his early twenties, wearing a college sweatshirt and ripped blue jeans.

He looked like Justin.

Even the mole by his nose was exactly the same.

“Um, is this yours?” the boy waved the brush around, uncertain. “I found it when I was skateboarding past.”

“Yes, yes!” Chengcheng managed to find his voice. He took the brush from the boy’s hands, realizing that his own were shaking like crazy. “Thanks.”

The boy nodded, then turned and got on his skateboard again.

“Wait!” Chengcheng realized that he had lunged forward and grabbed Justin’s-- the boy’s-- sweater sleeve. He dropped it meekly, but straightened when the boy turned around again.

“What?”

“What’s your name?” 

The boy blinked, his large dark eyes shining under the sun. “Minghao. Huang Minghao.”

“Oh. Oh. ” Chengcheng gaped at him. “Minghao. Huang Minghao.”

“Do I know you?”

“I’m Chengcheng. Fan Chengcheng. Do you know me?” his voice was hopeful, but something in him told him that he already knew the answer.

“I don’t. Sorry.” The boy scratched the back of his brown hair, then frowned. “But I feel like I should. Do you know me ?”

Warmth filled Chengcheng’s chest. He clutched the toilet brush in his hands tighter, taking in the sight of this boy-- Huang Minghao, Justin-- , and inwardly, thanked God for giving him another chance. A cloud moved away from the sun, and they were both hit with a warm ray of sunlight.

Chengcheng smiled.

“Maybe. Would you have some time to get a coffee with me? Let me thank you properly.”

***

"My car is limping, Dolores Haze,
And the last long lap is the hardest,
And I shall be dumped where the weed decays,
And the rest is rust and stardust."

- Vladmir Nobokov, Lolita