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Atsumu could call himself an eccedentesiast. A person who hides their sadness behind a smile. He knows he has problems, he’s tried to help himself. Of course, it doesn’t work.
Here he is lying down on his bed with the digital clock on his bedside table mocking him with the red color it emits. It says 3:36am in big, red, and bold numbers. Funny, it’s the same shade of red of his blood. The blood that drips down his thighs from the fresh cuts he made with his razor.
This isn’t healthy for a professional athlete, he knows. He just can’t help it. The thoughts and voices keep him up at night. The voices scream in his head.
You’ll never be enough.
Everyone hates you.
You’re just annoying.
Just die.
He laughs at the last thought. Maybe he should, he thinks. He feels wetness on his cheeks. Oh, he’s crying. He wants to call Samu. Samu was always there. He remembers the day Samu saw through the crack of his facade.
They were the last ones to leave the gym since they cleaned up. It was late, nearing 9pm. Atsumu was changing, forgetting his twin was there. He realized he had fucked up when he heard his twin speak up.
“Tsumu? What the fuck happened to yer thighs?” The setter froze. He realized his carelessness. There’s no point in lying to his brother anymore. The secret’s out. Even so, he’s still scared to open up. So he does what he does all the time. He smiles. Obviously, it’s fake. Tears start falling and his knees buckle, feeling weak. He falls onto his knees and Osamu runs over to him to hug him.
He stays there for Atsumu, reassuring him and trying his best to calm him down.
Atsumu loves his twin, though he would never admit it to his face. The time is nearing 4am now. He has practice later, he should get some rest. He sends a quick text to Samu just to update him. He wouldn’t hear the end of it if he didn’t text the latter about what’s going on with him.
He puts his phone down and closes his eyes. He knows he won’t actually sleep, he never gets sleep nowadays. He sighs.
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He hears his alarm go off. It’s 5am and he has to get up. He musters up the energy to get up and get ready. His body already feels heavy, he knows it’s going to be a tough day. When he gets to the bathroom, he feels a headache growing at the back of his head. He sighs and looks at himself in the mirror.
“I look horrible.” He chuckles. The bags under his eyes are only getting darker, making it harder to cover with concealer. His skin looks paler. The redness and puffiness of his eyes make him look like he cried an entire day (It’s not wrong).
He washes his face and brushes his teeth. He dresses up and goes to the kitchen. His body screams to eat something but he decides against it and just makes a cup of coffee. He hasn’t eaten a proper meal in days. He can’t remember the last time he actually had one. He readies his gym bag and grabs his keys, making his way to leave his lonely and empty apartment.
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Once he gets to the gym, it’s 6am. The headache has gotten worse but he just gets painkillers in his bag and takes two pills. He drinks from his water bottle and takes a deep breathe before entering the gym. He puts on his signature smile and waves at the people there.
“Hey Tsum-Tsum! How are you?” Bokuto and Hinata walk over to the setter. This surprises Atsumu, the beam of energy, Bokuto, normally just greets him and this is rare. What’s making him ask? “I’m doin’ fine, Bokkun! Why ya askin’?” Bokuto tilts his head like the reason should be obvious.
“Atsumu-san, the bags under your eyes are worrying..” Hinata pops in. Shit. He completely forgot to put on concealer to hide the bruises under his eyes. He can’t really tell them that he’s painfully depressed and that he’s not taking care of himself. While frozen in thought, Meian walks over to join in.
“Atsumu, are you sure? You look paler. I can tell Coach to go easier on you.” Atsumu sighs. He doesn’t need to be pitied really. He just wants to live normally. He doesn’t want his sadness to ruin his entire life. “Like I said, Cap, I’m fine! Just haven’t been sleepin' well recently!” He smiles again. The three just nod their heads and let the setter go to the locker room.
The headache is getting worse. He grips onto his locker door to keep him up. They have a practice match today with EJP, he can’t let himself be a failure again. He grabs more painkillers and shoves three pills down his throat and drinks more water. He’s brought out of his thoughts when a familiar prickly spiker walks into the locker room.
“Mornin’, Omi-kun.” The spiker nods his head and mumbles a small “good morning” before going to his locker. Atsumu sighs, his headache hurts too much for him to care about his crush on the spiker.
Do you really think he’ll like you back?
The blonde shivers at the thought. Of course he won’t. He isn’t worthy of anyone’s love. His shaky breathing is noticed by Sakusa. Sakusa gives him an unreadable look. Atsumu can’t tell if he’s annoyed or worried. Maybe both? Actually, Sakusa probably doesn’t care, he thinks. He closes his locker and heads out to start warming up.
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It’s the fourth set of the practice match and Atsumu thinks he’s about to collapse. His limbs feel weak and his headache is even worse if that’s even possible.
It’s timeout right now and Meian walks up to the setter again. “Atsumu, you look paler.” Meian puts a hand on his shoulder. Atsumu really wants to cry with how bad his head hurts but just swallows the sobs threatening to come out. He puts down his water bottle and towel and turns to his captain. “I..” he takes a deep breath. “I’m alright, don’t worry bout me, Cap.” he manages to grit out through the throbbing of his head.
“Please take it easy, Atsumu.” The setter nods in response before going back on court. He thinks he’s off the hook until a voice speaks from the other side of the net.
“Tsumu, you’re looking too pale. Are you sure you can keep going?”
“Sunarin, please, I don’t want yer pity and worryin' over me right now. Let’s just finish the game." Suna just nods and the whistle blows.
After back and forth rallies, MSBY finally reaches match point. It’s Atsumu’s turn to serve. At this point, he doesn’t even know how he’s standing. The pain is unbearable and his knees feel like they’re going to give up if he jumps. He takes 6 steps from the court line to position himself for a serve.
He doesn’t make the serve.
Before he can throw the ball, he collapses. He hears the whistle blow and frantic voices calling his name. His breathing is erratic and unsteady. He thinks he’s about to pass out, but the throbbing is still there. It’s so painful. Suna makes his way over to him, passing under the net.
“Atsumu-san!” Hinata’s voice.
“Tsum-Tsum!” Bokuto’s voice.
“Atsumu!” Coach and Cap’s voice.
“Tsumu! Dude, are you okay?” Oh, Suna’s voice. Suna presses the back of his hand against the setter’s forehead. It’s burning hot. “Shit. Someone get the medic!” Atsumu barely hears someone calling the medic. He hears voices but he can’t make anything out of it. He can only focus on the pain in his head and the lack of oxygen he’s getting from hyperventilating.
“S-Sunarin..” he whispers but the middle blocker still hears.
“Tsumu, take deep breaths with me.” He tries but it isn’t working.
“I-it...hu..rts..” he sobs. The pain is too much for him. There’s tears spilling from his eyes. He looks up to see Suna’s worried look before passing out completely.
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Atsumu wakes up, eyes slowly opening. He wakes up to a white room. Is he in the hospital? He sighs and tries to look around. He sees Osamu and Suna, sitting there.
“S-samu? S-sunarin?” he whispers, barely audible. But, it’s enough for them to hear.
“Shit, Tsumu!” Osamu stands up to hug his twin. His eyes are red, did he cry? He sees Suna walk out of the room to call a doctor and nurse. He takes a deep breath and allows himself to melt into the hug. His twin pulls away and looks at him.
“Tsumu,” Osamu sighs, “what happened?” Ah, he knew he’d ask eventually. He looks away for a second and sighs again. He looks back at his twin and smiles weakly. Osamu looks like he’s about to cry again.
“I just..haven’t been sleepin’. Haven’t been eatin’ either. I think I took a lotta painkillers before the match too. The headache hurt a lot.” The setter looks down to see his thighs in new bandages. “And if ya can’t see, I may have done some shit.” He feels Osamu take his hand and squeezes it.
“I shoulda checked up on ya more often.” He shakily says, he’s trying not to cry. “I know I don’t show it much but I’m so proud of ya. I’m glad yer my twin. I’ll always be here for ya.” Atsumu is about to tear up, he opens his mouth to reply but is interrupted by the doctor walking in with Suna.
“Ah, good evening, Mr. Miya. May I be allowed to interrupt?” Both twins nod their head and the doctor grabs a seat.
“Let’s get straight to the point. Miya Atsumu, you’ll have to go to weekly therapy sessions for your mental illness. It’s too dangerous not to do anything. I’ll need both of you, who I assume is closest to him, to watch over him and check on him everyday.” Atsumu turns away. He thinks.
What will his teammates think? Will they be disgusted?
Will everyone hate him?
Am I that broken?
He feels a tug on his hand which brings him out of his thoughts. It’s Osamu. The doctor continues to explain more details and reminders and says Atsumu is good to be discharged by the end of the week. They need to let him rest and feed him nutrients his body failed to receive from skipped meals.
“Samu.” Suna nudges his boyfriend and nods towards the door. Osamu stands up, getting the message.
“Tsumu, some of yer teammates wanna visit. We’ll be back.” The setter freezes then hesitantly nods. “It’ll be ok, you’ll be ok.” Suna reassures him. He watches them walk out of the room.
A few minutes later, all of his teammates are there in the room. Well, everyone except a certain someone he’s crushing on. He sighs, of course he wouldn’t be here. He looks back up to meet his teammates' concerned looks. He chuckles.
“Don’t be so tense now. Y’all can sit ya know.” They smile gently and sit down.
“I’m doin’ better now, thanks for worryin’.” Then he hears a bunch of sighs of relief. Bokuto is the first to speak up.
“Tsum-Tsum! We’re here for you so don’t be afraid to talk to us!” He gleams and smiles at the setter.
“Yeah, Atsumu-san! You mean a lot to us!” Hinata joins in.
“We’ll worry about you no matter what you say.” Meian adds.
“That’s what friends and teammates are for.” Inuaki gives him a thumbs up.
Atsumu starts tearing up, they don’t hate him. “T-thanks guys..” He sniffs. They all smile at him. They talk for a while before he hears Meian clear his throat. Everyone except Atsumu get the message. The team continues to stand up, getting ready to leave. Before he can ask where they’re going, Meian looks back and talks first.
“Sakusa wants to talk to you alone.” He smiles and leaves with the rest of the team. Atsumu is left there with his heart beating faster. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. He opens his eyes to meet the gaze of the prickly spiker. Said spiker continues to pull a seat close to the setter. He takes Atsumu's hand in his and the blonde’s breath hitches.
“Atsumu.” Oh how the setter loves how his name rolls off the spiker’s tongue.
It’s just 7 words, but it makes Atsumu’s cheeks burn.
“I’ll always be here for you.” Sakusa squeezes Atsumu’s hand, still staring at him.
“Omi-kun..” He breathes. He might have taken this the wrong way but here goes nothing.
“Kiyoomi, I like ya.” He sees Sakusa’s eyes widen. Did he just mess up? He closes his eyes. He starts to internally panic before he feels a quick peck on his lips. His eyes open and in front of him is the face of Sakusa.
“I like you too, Atsumu.” For the first time, Sakusa smiles. He’s never seen him smile before. To think he caused this smile makes his heart flutter. He pulls the spiker into a hug which surprises Sakusa but he slowly grows comfortable in the embrace.
They stay there in a comfortable silence. It’s warm. It’s so so warm. Was this the warmth he yearned for?
No one likes you.
Do you actually believe him?
How pathetic.
For once, he ignores the voices. He just wants to freeze in time to stay in this moment forever. Sakusa pulls away and plants a small kiss on Atsumu’s forehead. He brings the chair closer, fingers still intertwined with the setter’s.
Maybe life isn’t so bad after all.
Maybe he doesn’t have to be alone anymore.
Atsumu would call himself an eccedentesiast. A person who hides their sadness behind a smile.
But now, he thinks differently and has a small glimmer of hope as the moon shines into the room they stay in.
Maybe he doesn’t have to hide behind a smile anymore.