Work Text:
Put out my eyes, and I can see you still,
Slam my ears to, and I can hear you yet;
And without any feet can go to you;
And tongueless, I can conjure you at will.
Break off my arms, I shall take hold of you
And grasp you with my heart as with a hand;
Arrest my heart, my brain will beat as true;
And if you set this brain of mine afire,
Then on my blood-stream I yet will carry you.
- Rainer Maria Rilke
The kisses were becoming more aggressive, harsher and needier.
Lips crashed against teeth and tongues danced together fiercely, enveloped by the hot wetness of two starving mouths.
Jouno's breathing grew more erratic, irregular; it almost felt like he was chasing after something invisible, something that even he couldn't identify, as he ripped off the remains of his uniform and unceremoniously threw them all over the hardwood floor.
His hands waltzed down, reaching between their tangled bodies to unbuckle his partner's belt, but Tecchou seemed to have thought of a different outcome for the night. In fact, he stopped Jouno, grabbing him by the wrist, ever so gently, and spoke inquiringly.
"What are you doing?"
That's the tone he uses during interrogations
And he's using it on me
Jouono could suddenly taste an acidic sting at the back of his throat. It was repressed as soon as it appeared, though. He eventually decided to play dumb and see how far his partner was willing to go. He came to the conclusion that maybe Tecchou would just give up, drop the subject entirely and finally fuck all the misery out of him. It was very unlikely, but trying cost nothing.
"Undressing us, of course. Learn to read the situation, aibou"
Sharp, clear eyes narrowed.
The problem about working with someone that knew you better than you knew yourself was exactly that one: no lying allowed. Ever.
And that was why, you should never go to bed with such an annoyingly competent coworker.
Silly, silly me
"What's bothering you?"
Jouno scoffed, clearly pretending to be annoyed at the question.
Deep down he was well aware that the brunette could read through his poker face with the ease and confidence of a seasoned gambler.
There's no bluffing, he knows you only have a One Pair
"Nothing."
"You're lying."
And he's holding a Royal Flush.
"I'm not."
"Saigiku."
No. He's holding the whole deck. All the cards
"Why do you even fucking care?! Can't you just shup up for once and take off your goddamn clothes!" The white-haired boy snapped, clearly tired and frustrated at the insistent questioning.
You dropped the facade, but it's alright. This game was already lost as soon as it started
Tecchou looked almost disappointed. And very confused. Still, he completely ignored the last bit of Jouno's outburst and politely said: "I care about you, obviously.. - are you mad at me? Have I done something wrong?"
"Yeah, you just killed the mood. Like straight up murdered it in cold blood. Great job, Suehiro-kun."
"Saigiku-"
"I'm going to sleep and this conversation is over. Good night."
Thankfully, being able to read him like the palm of his hand meant that Tecchou knew when it was time to stop; he was familiar with the many boundaries and walls that encircled Jouno's heart and made sure to never overstep any of them.
The shorter boy got up from the mattress and headed to the bathroom, only going back to the other room after having freshened up and gotten ready for bed. The two of them lay back to back, not daring to face each other as the cold atmosphere that had previously formed engulfed them in its chill.
Falling asleep proved itself to be quite the challenge, as Tecchou's loud breaths seemed to be thundering in Jouno's superhuman ears.
The roaring sound never stopped, instead it paired up with the insistent beating of the brunette's heart to ulteriorly torment the shorter boy. But some time around two a.m the weariness got the best of him, and Jouno was finally able to forget that heart and those breaths, and abandon himself to yet another nightmare-filled night.
"Come here child."
Saigiku's little form was shivering mercilessly, chest heaving erratically as he tried to keep quiet. He had hidden inside his bedroom's closet and was trying his best not to whimper in fear.
Why was mum doing that? Why was she angry?
He knew he shouldn't have bothered her, he knew he shouldn't have asked her to check his homework but he had been naive enough to think that, had he shown her his textbook, she might have been proud of how well he had been doing at school.
He was the best of his class and his japanese teacher always congratulated him on his precise handwriting.
Why couldn't mum be happy?
Thinking about it, it really was his fault. He had seen how irritated she had been, stressed from work and the adult stuff she always complained about, and had still disturbed her.
Stupid.
Idiot.
Why didn't mum ever smile?
"COME HERE IMMEDIATELY!"
The yelp he had been trying to suppress betrayed him and slipped out of his throat. He curled up in a ball, hugging his knees to his chest, and silently prayed that she hadn't heard.
She had.
The closet's door flew open and a pale hand gripped his forearm, forcibly dragging him out of his shelter.
The first slap didn't sting at all, for he knew it was coming. But her shouts did.
"Useless child! Why were you hiding again?? Don't hide from your mother!"
Saigiku shivered and tried to mumble an apology, but mum grabbed him by the hair and walked down the long, dark corridor, hauling him behind her.
He started screaming too, at some point, but it wasn't enough to alarm his neighbours. They were used to the noise, after all.
Those two were nice people, a cute elderly couple that often gave him candy when he waved at them from his porch.
Their houses were very close and mum always got angrier if she thought they might have overheard their 'arguments'.
But how could he not yell when she was yelling too? He just wanted her to hear his apologies.
"Demon child! You're just like your father - I don't want to see you ever again. Get out, get out!"
Saigiku scrambled to his feet as fast as he could and headed to the door on shaky legs.
Wrong move.
Mum's eyes looked like they were filled with fire. He ran quicker as she roared at him: "YOURE NOT ALLOWED TO LEAVE THIS HOUSE, TO LEAVE ME!"
The door was locked. Where were the keys? Kitchen! He rushed to the adjacent room and scanned the table, but mum pushed him on the floor. Both were now screaming at the top of their lungs, with Saigiku pinned down and writhing under mother's weight.
She blindly reached for something in one of the lower cabinets. He shut his eyes. He hoped it would not be the belt. The belt left marks.
But it was not.
Luckily?
No.
"Open your eyes."
He reflexively shut them tighter.
Wrong move, again.
Her hand stung against his rosy cheek. "I SAID OPEN THEM. "
Could eyelids tremble? Because it felt like they, too, were shaking in terror like the rest of his tiny body.
He obeyed, and saw three things:
1 Mum,
2 her heavy hands, and
3 a bottle of Ammonia.
And then, he never saw anything again.
"Saigiku, Saigiku-"
He awoke to startled whispers and gentle hands, that were shaking him out of his slumber.
"What's wrong? Urgent mission?" He didn't bother looking around, obviously, instead he took a moment to scan the room with his other senses.
Nothing seemed out of place. The only presence he sensed, apart from his own, was Tecchou's.
Tecchou with his loud heart and his thundering breaths, yet again. Was that guy ever silent?
"You were screaming. I figured you were having a nightmare and therefore took it upon myself to wake you up. I am ready for any kind of repercussion that may be consequent to my actions".
Jouno couldn't help but snort, was he for real? He was expecting to be reprimanded? "I'm not going to scold you just for waking me up, jerk."
The brunette shrugged. He didn't seem to be particularly phased by the possibility. "What was it?"
Jouno turned to him and arched an eyebrow. "It what?"
"The nightmare, what was it about?"
the worst night of my life
"And why do I have to tell you?" Jouno internally winced at his own rudeness, yet he really couldn't help but get difensive when that specific topic came up.
"You don't, you're not forced to. But I'll listen if you want."
He tried to sweeten his tone as he put an end to the conversation: "No, go back to sleep. I'm sorry that I woke you up."
"It's not a problem."
It was the truth. Tecchou's pulse and his entire body language didn't suggest the slightest hint of a lie. He would actually be fine with being bothered by pained yells in the middle of the godforsaken night.
why?
why are you so good to me?
Morning came, the sun rose, the birds sang. But Jouno couldn't bring himself to leave that bed.
He had good and bad days, like any other human being, and he could already tell that that particular one would be a bad day.
(And after last night's events, it really wasn't that hard to guess why.)
"Demon child"
He slowly opened his eyelids and encountered the same old darkness he had grown accustomed to.
Tecchou had left the apartment, as his presence couldn't be heard anymore.
It's Sunday, where the hell did he go?
Whatever
Getting up was out of discussion, and even breathing felt like a burden at the moment, so Jouno decided to roll over to Tecchou's side of the bed to try to find comfort in the familiar smell that lingered on the sheets.
Why does it have to be so black all the time?
The sun that was filtering through the silky curtains couldn't seem to keep him warm. Cold and dark. It had always been cold and dark, since that night.
Quite ironically Jouno, with his heightened senses, couldn't even notice that he had begun crying until angry sobs started racking his chest, leaving it heavy and troubled. Trying to dry the tears proved itself to be futile, as more and more relentlessly cascaded after the ones that had just been wiped.
I want to see the light
Jouno didn't know how he ended up screaming into his pillow, but he knew that he ache didn't seem to be stopping and that the room was colder than ever.
I want to see the light
Not even Tecchou's scent could placate his pained cries.
I want to see the light
Why was she the last person he had had to see in his life? Her angry face and her rotten mind. Why, why, why?
Why did she hold his face with her cruel hands as she poured the hellish liquid in his eyes?
Why did it burn that much as it corroded his corneas and set his skin on fire?
Why did she take the world away from him?
I want to see.
He started shivering and hugged the cushion closer to his trembling form, trying, and failing, to muffle the wrecking sobs in its soft fabric.
He remembered hearing their neighbours, that sweet elderly couple, shriek in horror as they burst in mum's house after the screams had gotten louder than what they were used to. They later told him that mother looked like she had just seen a ghost. She had glanced up at them while still pouring the liquid in Saigiku's eyes; it only took her a few seconds to stop and drop the bottle on the floor. She looked terrified, they said. She must have looked like she had just blinded her child, he'd thought. (Jouno was almost glad he'd never get to see the face she had made).
After that the husband had run up to help Saigiku off the floor, while his wife frantically called an ambulance. Mum had taken advantage of that brief moment to slit her throat with a kitchen knife.
Jouno had only discovered that hours later, in a cold hospital room.
He had passed out from the pain as soon as their neighbours had stepped in the house.
He hadn't gotten to hear mum kill herself. He hadn't gotten to feel her blood pooling under his own unconscious body.
He hadn't gotten hit by the pungent smell of death.
He had just lain, fainted, on the floor.
Unseeing, bruised and unknowingly orphaned.
Something startled him out of his thoughts, a feather-light touch that, regrettably and shamefully, he hadn't anticipated.
"Saigiku."
And oh that voice again, that wonderful voice that he loved so dearly, yet couldn't usually bring himself to admit.
Usually, but not in that moment, because as his mind was collapsing on itself, dragging him down to the deepest pits of self despair, the only anchor he could cling to was the one single thought that yelled at him: 'He's a safe place, he is the light.'
He gave in, forgot everything he knew about pride, pretentiousness and self-reliance and jumped into Tecchou's arms. He could feel the other man stiffen in his hold but relax immediately after a fleeting moment of stupor, and eventually a pair of strong arms decided to hug him back.
Hold him tight and never let go, he is your light
For the first time in a long time, Jouno felt warmth.
"So."
"So."
"I owe you an explanation."
"You don't owe me anything."
"I cried in your bed and jumped on you out of the blue, I say you at least deserve to know why."
Tecchou nodded and shuffled closer to his partner on the couch were they were sitting. They hadn't left his apartment since that morning's events. After calming down Jouno had been too embarrassed to even approach him, and for a bunch of hours the loft had been awfully silent. They got back on speaking terms over a hot bowl of miso soup which, Tecchou learnt, appeared to be Jouno's comfort food. (He had to refrain from adding Swiss Cheese to the dish, knowing that it would piss the shorter boy off immensely).
And now Jouno wanted to open up, but Tecchou wasn't so sure that he would be able to stay put while listening to the tale of what had, irreparably, broken the boy he loved.
He took a deep breath and braced himself for what was coming.
"She was sick, you know.. - she picked up drinking after father left. To cope, I guess. She worked two jobs to be able to pay our taxes and was nervous all the time. She used to be really proud of me when I was little, and she would especially show off my Ability to all her coworkers. Then he left when I was five, and things declined from there. Mum, she...she was a vulnerable woman, I think raising me by herself was too much for her. She eventually crumbled."
Tecchou was nervously biting the inside of his cheek while patiently waiting for the other boy to start speaking again. Jouno looked extremely uncomfortable but didn't show any signs of wanting to stop with the narration. He probably wanted to let it all out in one time but was having trouble doing so.
Opening up was supposed to be hard anyway, wasn't it?
"You know I wasn't born blind, right?"
Tecchou frowned. Wasn't born blind?
"No, I didn't know. I have always thought it was a prenatal medical condition of sorts."
Jouno chuckled but it sounded bitter. The brunette's frown deepened.
"I wish it was. She blinded me."
"S-she who?! Your...your mother?"
"That's so out of character Tecchou-san, you don't usually stutter."
The swordsman totally ignored Jouno's teasing words and instead scooted closer and grabbed his hands. The seriousness in his tone made Saigiku shiver.
"Your own mother did this to you?"
"I told you she crumbled."
The tension in the room was so thick it could have been cut with a knife. Both men were silent, but Tecchou's stare felt like it was trying to bore holes through Jouno's skin. "She was a sick person, Tecchou."
"Hurting your own child is inexcusable." The grip around his hands seemed to tighten. "Listen, it's not like I'm excusing her actions, I'm just saying that she...she was in a bad place. Mentally and emotionally. It's not up to us to judge her." His partner didn't seem too convinced but decided not to rebut.
"Let me finish the story now, will you?" The air around them shifted, signifying that Tecchou had nodded in agreement.
"It was a normal school night, I had just finished my homework and wanted to show her that I had learnt to write her name. I must have been six or seven. She was crying at the kitchen table with her phone in hand."
"Trying to reach your father, maybe?"
"Probably. Anyway I went up to her because I didn't like it when she cried. She didn't like it either though because, I don't know, I guess she didn't want to seem weak in front of me. I tried to show her the textbook in order to distract her but she smashed the phone on the floor and threw the book away. At that I...I think I ran away because I knew how she got when she was mad. I hid in my closet-"
"Demon child"
"But she found me, of course. She dragged me to the living room and started shouting, and I did too because I wanted her to know that I was sorry. We must have looked crazy, both screaming at the top of our lungs. I was just repeating 'I'm sorry, I'm sorry' but I was so scared of her, and she hated when I looked scared of her.
She told me to get out of her house, that she didn't want to see me again and I tried to reach the door. I don't even know why, I think my idea was to sit on the porch outside until she called me back in. But I must have looked terrified because she usually never screamed that loud and then... I noticed that the front door was locked, so I ran to the kitchen to get the keys but she was there too and we started to 'fight', I guess you could call it that.
I admittedly didn't put up much of a fight, I was always scrawny as a kid.
But yeah, and then she -"
Breathe, breathe and focus
Why was Tecchou's heart beating faster?
Ignore it, focus on breathing
His partner's grip tightened again around his hands. It was encouraging enough for him to continue. "She took a bottle of ammonia, you know the cleaning detergent and.. And poured it into my eyes."
Saying it felt like freeing a savage beast from its cage, like releasing a captured tiger back in the wild.
It felt goddamn liberating.
"She covered my nose and my mouth with her hand and gripped my face so tight it probably left marks and just poured. The whole bottle. Straight into my eyes. It burnt my forehead and my cheeks too. God, it felt like she lit me ablaze; af first it stung, but in a matter of seconds it just spread like fire. I blacked out as soon as help got there. Mum slit her throat with a kitchen knife while our neighbours were trying to assist me. They told me when I woke up in the hospital, they told me everything. It more or less went like: 'Hey, you're blind. Oh and also, your mother and only remaining parent killed herself in front of you'. You can imagine it wasn't the happiest day of my life. But then the morning after I met General Fukuchi and, you know the rest. "
He had started crying again, sometime during his outburst, but he couldn't care less. Tecchou had now discovered the rawest part of him, a few more tears wouldn't change anything.
Something between a sob and a nervous laugh left his throat as he glanced up at the other and whispered: "So this is it." He expected a heavy, awkward stillness to follow his confession, but his partner did the unexpected.
A warm hand caressed his left cheek and his tears were wiped by the gentle movements of Tecchou's thumb, who then repeated the same motion on the right side of his face.
Why is his heart racing?
Is it even really his, or is it mine?
It feels like it's about to burst out of my chest
Jouno's eyelids slowly fluttered open, disclosing his damaged eyes. And in that moment, it really felt like he could see the man in front of him.
Only, instead of brown hair he felt the touch of a gentle summer breeze, instead of a beautiful face he envisioned the infinity of the ocean, instead of a sculpted body he smelled sun-kissed skin and tasted salt-covered kisses.
Instead of the man everyone knew, he saw Suehiro Tecchou. And he was the wind and the sea and the sun and everything Jouno had ever loved in the world.
And as if the universe had decided to play an enormous joke on his heart, the brunette leaned in and placed a feather-light kiss on each of his eyelids. It was sudden and utterly unpredictable because the two of them, despite having spent countless nights in each other's beds, had never exchanged sweet touches, had never kissed just for the pleasure of being close, had never really loved each other until the sun died in the distance.
Maybe it was time to start doing so.
Surprise, shock and venerational awe were all showing on Jouno's face, and his overall expression probably made Tecchou feel like he had to explain his actions. Thus, he declared: "Your eyes are beautiful, they look like nothing I've ever seen before." Their faces were so, so near - too near for two people alone together.
Jouno could only find the sntreght to respond: "They're scarred."
"Yes, they are. Still, that doesn't make them any less ethereal."
"What...what colour are they ?"
"White."
"And what colour are yours, Tecchou-san?"
"Mine?"
"Mommy, daddy's eyes look so pretty in this picture! Why are ours not like his?"
"Well, because you took after me. But our green ones are pretty too! Aren't they, Saigiku?"
"His look like the sun, though"
Mum had smiled and caressed his hair. "Yes, just like the sun."
"Yes. What colour are they?"
"Gold."
Their breaths mingled together as they leaned closer to each other, as if attracted by some misterious magnetic force.
"Gold, uh?"
"Yeah.."
Tecchou's lips were soft and delicate against his and, to Saigiku's immense surprise, they were salty. It was probably because he had added way too much condiment in his portion of the miso soup, but in Jouno's imagination it was because the man had just bathed in the ocean.
The kiss wasn't electrifying, but it was warm. Tender. The mutual adoration they felt for each other was able to seep through every barrier they had ever built and to finally express itself through such shared tenderness.
Tecchou felt a few words murmured against his lips, but their true meaning would remain a secret for him for some more years. Jouno, on the other hand, knew that those were the only words that could be spoken at that time.
"Just like the sun."