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Pulling the aviators from his face, he looked around for Jaina having not yet appeared with her classmates. She was normally out by now, charging at him full of energy and stories of her day, usually consisting of what Miss Johnson had done or said. Ah, Miss Johnson. He pulled his knitted scarf closer around his neck, keeping out the brisk autumnal chill. It had been a bright and sunny day, but the temperature had most definitely dropped. As Jaina had still not appeared, he decided now was a good a time as any to speak to Miss Johnson, he had a good excuse to go into the classroom after all. He also knew that if he put it off much longer he would chicken out; it has been a long time since he had to do this. He began to sweat, his hands cold and clammy. Pull yourself together you pussy. Anyone would think he was a nervous school boy, not the thirty-five-year-old lawyer he was. Taking a cleansing breath and psyching himself up the same way he would before a hearing, he walked across the playground and into the classroom.
Once inside, the air warm and welcoming, he found Jaina tidying up her work area, a trait he wished she’d display at home. Miss Johnson immediately caught his eyes, her trim petite figure sat on the chair next to her desk whilst she spoke on the phone. As her eyes met his over the rim of her glasses, he felt his whole-body tense and grow hot, his face reddening. She covered the mouth piece of her phone and called over to him.
“Mr Solo, sorry she’s late, she was determined to finish off her painting.”
“No worries,” he said with a shrug.
It was only then that Jaina noticed that her father was hovering there. She dropped the bundle of paint brushes she had been holding with a clatter and ran over to him, arms outstretched.
“Daddy!”
He crouched down and wrapped her in a warm hug, feeling the stress of the day fade away, the way it always did when he felt the unabashed love of his daughter. It was so simple, unconditional and something he had looked for all of his life.
As Rey spoke on the phone, she watched the father and daughter, feeling her insides disintegrate into mush. Mr Solo had that effect on her, had done since she had met him, and seeing how he was with his precocious daughter only amplified that. She remembered the day she had met him, Jaina’s first day at Kindergarten, and how surly and grumpy he had been, well, still was on the whole. At first, she had thought him rude and disagreeable, even though she felt a frisson of attraction whenever she had to interact with him, for she could not deny he was an incredibly sexy man. Yet, something had changed over the last few months that she had know him. She had seen glimpses of the man he really was behind his dark and moody mask, and instead of a rude and disagreeable man, she saw a doting, caring father who seemed to doubt himself for some reason. His guard was up, but occasionally he dropped it, whether it was with a small endearing smile, a spark in his eyes or the words he used, the signs were there. She wondered if he had been hurt in the past, cutting out everyone to get by. She’d tried that once, it didn’t work. She then realised that she’d missed what the other person had said and turned her attention back to the phone call.
Ben meanwhile, oblivious to Rey’s musings, was trying to coax Jaina into her woollen coat, whilst surreptitiously watching Miss Johnson out the corner of his eye.
“Jaine, come on, we have to get going. I’m sure Miss Johnson wants to get home sometime tonight.”
He managed to get the coat on before having to practically chase her around the class room to add the hat and scarf. He knew he was procrastinating as his stomach churned, a cement mixer in his abdomen. He had to ask her now before it was too late and he went back to pining morosely. He began to linger near her desk, pretending to patiently wait for the end of her call. She noticed and paused.
“Everything okay?” she whispered.
The sound of her quiet, husky whispers threatened to send him over the edge. His face turned pink.
“I erm…just needed to ask you something when you’re done.”
She frowned faintly nodded her head.
“Sure, okay.”
His heart hammered in his chest as he rehearsed the words in his head; it shouldn’t be this hard to talk to a woman, he was a lawyer for kriff’s sake. Bazine really had done a number on him. It was then that the realisation of what she was saying on the phone call hit him.
“You know I love you so much,” her voice had changed to that sing song voice you reserve for first loves and babies. “I know Bee, I can’t wait to get home to you.”
His stomach hit the floor, like an elevator that’s cord had been severed, his hope plummeted. She laughed, light and musical as her face lit up with a beaming smile, a smile of genuine happiness and joy, happiness and joy she had found with someone else. His insides contorted into angry knots.
“Yes, we can do that when I get home,” she giggled. “I know you like that.”
She’d lowered her voice but he could still hear her.
She ended the call, looking up at him expectantly, eyes bright and cheeks a rosy pink. Silence. He just stared at her; his expression blank though she swore she saw traces of anger in his eyes.
“You wanted to speak to me?” she attempted to prompt him.
He pursed his lips into a hard line and frowned.
“No sorry, I was mistaken. Good day Miss Johnson.”
Without giving her time to respond, he turned on his feet and marched off, calling to Jaina. Rey watched his tall, dark figure disappear from view and wondered what on earth she had done to offend him.
Jaina ran after her father, her little legs struggling to keep up with his long strides as her painting she clutched in one hand, flapped in the wind.
“Daddy wait!”
He guiltily stopped and bent down to lift her up.
“Sorry sweetheart.”
“Are you angry at me?”
Ben’s heart twinged at taking out his mood on her and kissed her forehead gently.
“No darling, I’m sorry. I just had things on my mind.”
He started walking to the blue minivan once more, still holding her. He internally shook his head at the sight of the large, rounded vehicle. It was not the cherry red Ferrari he’d dreamt of owning during law school. He smiled when she sweetly kissed his cheek, leaving a little wet imprint, she definitely made up for it.
He arrived at his vehicle, and popping the door open with his free hand, he secured Jaina to the booster seat. She handed him her slightly crumpled painting when he’d finished.
“I made you this.”
“Awww thank you,” he replied, gently taking it from her.
“It’s to make you happy,” her next words both surprising and paining him. “You’re sad.”
He looked up in surprise.
“Sad?”
She nodded, her expression serious, and he hated to admit it, a little anxious too.
“You look sad with your face when you think I’m not looking. I know it’s because of me.”
He was stumped, shocked that someone as young as her had seen how he had been feeling. Sure, it hadn’t been easy since Bazine had left them both, feeling sometimes like he was drowning in loneliness, yet he thought he’d hidden that from Jaina.
Though she was still a child, he knew that he would never lie to her, believing in open communication and honesty. He knew from his own experience, what whispered secrets and hidden doubts did to a child. He crouched back down, leaning into the car, taking her tiny hand in his.
“Jaina, it’s not because of you. Yes, daddy is sad sometimes but you are what makes me happy again. We all get sad sometimes, but it’s not your fault.”
He squeezed her hand gently as though reinforcing his words. The look she gave him broke his heart.
“I’m sorry you don’t have mommy anymore.”
He held back the tears he felt forming and smiled instead.
“I’ll always be okay as long as I have you, okay?”
“Okay.”
“We’re a team kid.”
“A team,” she repeated, some of the worry gone from her face.
He kissed her cheek and shut the door before getting into the driver’s seat, adjusting his rear-view mirror.
“Did you like the picture?”
He realised then, that he hadn’t really looked at it properly so quickly picked it up and handled it with the reverence it deserved. It was no Monet but she definitely had an eye for colour. Now to work out what it was.
“Is this me?” he asked, using the hair colour as a guide and praying that he was right.
“Yep.”
“Who am I with?” he peered curiously.
“Miss Johnson,” she replied vaguely as she watched the cars drive past them. “We had to paint what we love the mostest.”
Ben’s eyes raised, watching her in the mirror. She had such a big heart and wore it for all to see. He had been like that once. He was about to start the engine when she said something that he had not been expecting.
“Miss Johnson doesn’t have a mommy,” he could see the sadness in her expression.
“Oh?”
“Mmmhmm, she doesn’t have a daddy either. It’s okay though, I told her she can share you.”
Ben went into a spluttering coughing fit.
“Daddy are you okay?”
−−
Rey took in a deep breath, letting the crisp, cold air fill her lungs. It was the kind of cold that turned your nose red and your cheeks pink. It was her favourite time of year, always had been. For most people, it was because of the hot cocoa, chunky knit jumpers, pumpkin spice and open fires. For Rey though, it was the leaves and the cornucopia of colours they turned into at this time of year. Golden amber, deep russet, fading pink, rusty orange and burnt yellow, all vying for attention. The leaves had been her inspiration for her class assignment. She had set them the task of gathering as many different types of fallen leaves as they could, to make an autumnal collage. They would bring the beauty of outside to their classroom. Besides it would get many of them outside instead of just sitting in front of the tv for hours.
Her tan and white pit bull terrier pulled impatiently on his lead, eager to get going.
“Okay, okay I’m coming,” she laughed, following him down her gravel path, his tail wagging excitedly.
She liked to get out and about early, and having a dog definitely did that. If she wasn’t up and about to walk him, he would pounce on the bed until she was, putting a stop to any hiding in bed for the day. Those days had been far too often in the past and she didn’t want to there again, not if she could help it. She was lucky really; she had achieved her dream job, she shared a modest but cosy house with her best friend Rose and she got to help children, even if it was in a small capacity. There was something missing, not just a vague notion but something tangible and real. She didn’t want to put a name to it or acknowledge her demons, but shut them out. Annoyingly they had a way of reminding her who she was and what she wanted deep down.
Lost in thought, she didn’t notice someone walking towards her until she heard a familiar voice shout out.
“Miss Johnson.”
Looking up she smiled as she saw Jaina Solo careening full pelt towards her, her pink bobble hat bouncing as she ran. Not far behind her, picking up his pace to catch up was Mr Solo, his normally ivory face flushed from the cold, his dark hair deliciously messy. Jaina ran straight at Rey and wrapped her tiny arms around Rey’s legs, squeezing slightly. Then Jaina noticed the dog, her eyes wide, her mouth a large grin.
“Is this BeeBee? Can I touch him or will he eat me?”
“He won’t hurt you.”
She knelt down so that she was the same level as Jaina and took her hand, pulling off her fluffy mitten. The dog sat patiently, an inquisitive look on his face, his tail wagging, head cocked to one side. Rey gently placed Jaina’s hand on his soft fur and stroked a couple of times until Jaina became confident enough on her own. By then Ben had caught up to them, his expression unreadable. Jaina giggled as Beebee flicked his tongue out and licked her on the face.
“He’s so fluffy and wet.”
Rey laughed and looked up at Ben who still hadn’t said anything but was staring down at her. His gaze was so intense that she had to avert her eyes. He had a way of looking at her that made her feel naked, stripped bare. She had always put it down to disdain or apathy, but right now, she could swear that there was something else. His eyes had a softness, a vulnerability that he rarely exposed. She looked at him again, but his expression had hardened once more, he looked stiff and uncomfortable. She let out a small sigh.
Rey stood, getting the sense that he wanted to get going, or at least get away from her. Jaina was still absorbed in patting her new friend as Rey attempted to make conversation.
“So, you’re both out for a walk this morning?”
Lame Rey, lame.
“It would appear so.”
Jaina stood up deciding to join in the conversation.
“We were doing what you told us,” she announced, reaching into her pocket and pulling out a bunch of slightly crumpled leaves.
“Ah well done, I look forward to seeing what you've found on Monday.”
“Do you want to come with us,” she asked, her little earnest face looking up at her.
The look tugged at Rey’s heart strings but Ben’s look did the opposite, he looked panicked almost, his brow furrowed.
“Oh, sorry Jaina, I need to get back home, got lots to do,” she hoped that she sounded genuine.
Jaina’s face instantly fell.
“Besides, I think your dads getting cold,” she added.
Ben looked decidedly uncomfortable but shot her what looked like a grateful look.
“Okay.”
Jaina took her dad’s hand.
“Well, see you Monday Jaina, Mr Solo,” she nodded politely.
He said nothing, just stared. Jerk. Containing her indignant huff for the sake of the girl, she pulled on the lead.
“Come on Bee,” she urged and began to walk away, the dog happily trotting besides her.
Ben was frozen on the spot staring after Rey.
“Her dogs called Bee?” he muttered.
“Yep,” Jaina replied. “His big name is Beebee, but she calls him Bee, it’s funny, cuz he's not a bee, he's a dog.”
Realisation hit Ben, he was an idiot, a complete idiot. Jaina began pulling on his hand.
“Daddy, come on, you’ll catch the monias.”
Before he could stop himself, he shouted.
“Rey!”
She didn’t stop, so he started jogging after her, dragging poor Jaina behind him.
“Daddy,” she called.
“Sorry darling,” he scooped her up and chased Rey, calling after her.
She spun round, her face full of concern, meeting them part way.
“What is it? What’s wrong? Is Jaina okay?”
She began scanning the girl for signs of injury, making Ben’s heart melt even more. Ben, panting slightly, tried to get his words out.
“Your dog,” he managed, before taking another breath.
Rey stared, puzzled. Even Jaina looked confused and a little concerned for her father’s mental health.
“He’s called Beebee,” he continued, desperately trying to get his breathing together.
Rey nodded slowly. “Yeees.”
“You call him Bee for short?”
Goodness, he really had lost his mind. What did one do in this situation? To her surprise, he let out a loud, nervous laugh.
“Erm, are you okay Mr Solo?”
“Daddy?”
Ben looked from one to the other, his face getting redder by the second.
“Yes, yes, I’m fine, it’s just the other day that I heard you on the phone talking to Bee, and I thought …I thought…”
Rey inclined her head, desperately trying to work out what he was trying to tell her. Beebee mimicked Rey’s movements making a little growl.
“Yes?”
“I thought he was your boyfriend.”
Jaina apparently thought that was hilarious and erupted into a fit of the giggles.
“Daddy, you’re so silly, he’s a dog.”
Rey meanwhile was still staring at him, clearly confused. Ben’s laughter died out when he saw that Rey’s expression hadn’t changed. He knelt down and put Jaina back down and gave Beebee a quick fuss, feeling Rey’s eyes boring into him.
Standing up, he took a deep breath before meeting her eyes. She put one hand on her hip. Bad sign.
“Do you mind explaining to me what all that was about?” she demanded.
He gave her a forced smile as he shifted from one foot to the other, his cheeks now a fiery red.
“I erm…well I was going to ask you out,” he stuttered. “The other day…when you were on the phone.”
His words and their significance sank in.
“You thought Bee was my boyfriend,” she muttered, more to herself than him.
He nodded, his heart racing as he tried to quell the small spark of hope flickering in his chest. Then her eyes widened and a shaky smile formed upon her pink moistened lips.
“You were going to ask me out?” she said finally, her hazel eyes fixed upon him.
He nodded, running his hand awkwardly through his floppy black hair.
“You don’t have another boyfriend, do you?” she noted with delight, the panic in his voice. “One that’s not a dog?”
She laughed out loud, light and musical until she saw Ben frown.
“No, I don’t have a boyfriend,” she said.
“Right okay,” he replied, still trying to work out if she had been laughing at him or with him.
A silent minute passed, neither speaking as Jaina looked back and forth between the two. Why were adults so strange? Rey huffed impatiently and rolled her eyes.
“Well are you going to ask me?”
“Ask you what?”
“To be your girlfriend,” piped up Jaina clearly getting bored. “Sorry Miss Johnson, its cuz he’s cold.”
Ben looked down at his daughter, his lips pursed, Rey waited with baited breath.
“I thought you hated me,” she whispered.
Ben looked genuinely shocked, and reached his hand across and gently brushed her cheek with his thumb.
“No, I don’t hate you,” he said, his voice low and husky. “In fact, it’s quite the opposite.”
His hand was so warm and large, she couldn’t help but lean into it, it had been so long. Jaina raised her brows but stayed quiet, waiting to see what happened.
“What about it Johnson? Will you give me a chance?”
He looked so earnest, open and vulnerable, his eyes pleading with her. She took his hand and held it in hers and gave him a smile, a smile full of promise and hope. Things were going to change.