Chapter Text
Sterling is brave in a way she’s not.
April has always known. She ugly cried her way through Adele Meisner, ate her weight in ice cream after Julia Smalls, and broke three dishes over Heather Phillips.
(She won’t tell Sterling this but after their friendship ended in the fifth grade, she set fire to multiple American Girl dolls.)
After the sixth or seventh friendship that ended tragically, April decided to just pre-emptively shut things down if she felt any inkling of a feeling. None of them had ever shown interest in her that way, calling her clingy and too intense towards the end. A girl can only take so much.
Her mom noted her fleeting friends one day over dinner, laughing about how it seemed like no one was good enough for April. Her stomach clenched. It was the other way around actually; she’d never been enough for them and it turns out Team Stevens was never enough for her dad either. It was a vicious cycle of self-loathing and blame. April couldn’t help but start to reflect that outwardly. She felt bad sometimes but nobody was there to stop her, nobody was there to show her any other way to deal with the heft of emotions she’d be given.
So when Sterling kisses her, it numbs her at first. She can’t believe it, won’t believe it. It’s just a cruel trick mean Sterling is pulling yet again but when Sterling starts bumbling out apologies, her heart stops. It wasn’t all in her head, the looks and the touches. She’s been beating herself up for years, telling herself to stop reading into these things so much.
April feels unlovable but when Sterling shows up at the arcade and outright tells her that she like-likes her, something comes up. April is too afraid to call it hope.
--
“Maybe someday, though?”
“Maybe. Actually, I don’t know.”
Sterling gets back with Luke for exactly two weeks and then breaks up with him for good, combining the big news with another surprise, she’s in the blue-pink-purple part of the community!
“I’ve already been ridiculed for one sin; I might as well just put them all out there,” April overhears Sterling say in class. Blair grins and holds her hand out for Sterling to slap and April flinches when she hears the connect.
There’s the usual mocking, the freezing out, and the pointing behind her back at first, all April had initially feared. There is a small group of parents that march to Ellen and demand something be done about this flagrant, sinful behavior but Ellen can only do so much. She pulls Sterling aside, sternly telling her she can’t flaunt her “private matters” in school anymore. Sterling nods, grateful this is the only repercussion but as she turns to leave, Ellen reaches out with a kind smile and gives her arm a gentle squeeze. Eventually, the noise dies down then comes the quiet acceptance. There is always bigger gossip to fish for and bigger targets to shame at Willingham.
(It helps that Luke makes a loud declaration at lunch that he’ll have a word with anyone who has anything negative to say about Sterling.)
Sterling even puts a streak of blue in her hair, looking triumphant striding through the halls. Blair gets a matching red one and they look unstoppable. Ezequiel compliments her hair in passing and she instinctively berates him for it, kicking herself the minute she sees Sterling’s face fall.
April can’t help but feel a burning jealousy about the whole situation. Once again, Sterling gets to have it all. She has the perfect family and grades, that stupidly pretty face (and her perfect half up, half down hair) and she gets to be herself. She’s brave enough to be herself, something that still seems so intangible to April.
--
When April hears rumors that Sterling is seeing a girl from another school, she stays home for three days with a stomachache.
Of course, Sterling would move on. Of course, someone else would see how beautiful, earnest and good she is and want to lock it down immediately. She doesn’t even know if it’s true, she doesn’t want to know if it’s true, but the thought of Sterling with someone else sends her under her covers, clutching Sergeant Bilko and a bag of Doritos.
Her parents come in and check on her. Her mom strokes her hair and asks her what’s wrong but April only feints sickness.
She overhears them talking one of those nights, the door slightly ajar.
“Do you think it’s boy problems?” Her mom asks. “April has never missed this much school ever, even when she had appendicitis.”
“Oh sure, I hope so. April needs a man to keep her on the straight and narrow when she goes to college,” her dad exclaims. “Much like I did you!”
Her parents laugh and April only burrows tighter.
At some point, she falls asleep and wakes up to a few worried texts. Five from Hannah B, two from Ezequiel, and her fingers still when she sees one from Sterling.
Hey. Hope you’re okay.
April sees a text bubble and drops the phone. Knowing Sterling is presently on the other side of the phone is.. not helpful.
I mean I’m still mad at you but I don’t want you to die.
Another text bubble. It stays up for a few seconds but goes away.
April sits up, for the first time in hours, pushing the blankets aside. She types a lengthy apology in her Notes app and then deletes it. She debates on just like reacting the messages but even she knows that’s a heartless move. She spends a solid hour thinking about what she could even say.
Hey, thanks for checking in. I’m feeling awful because I heard you have a girlfriend and I don’t want you to date anyone else but me but my parents will disown me and I don’t have many legs to stand on anymore so I’m just lonely and afraid .
Idiot.
April doesn’t respond but she does look at the text every now and then because it means Sterling still cares. Even after April treated her like, frankly, shit, she still cares about her.
--
April compartmentalizes all the way to senior year. She continues to run Fellowship, kicks Charlie Wu’s butt at the next debate tournament, joins Mission club (and leaves the Straight-Straight alliance because of “familial issues”), and physically and academically drags Ezequiel and Hannah B over the graduation line.
She and Sterling occasionally catch each other’s eyes in class or in the hall but April shoves it away, deep into the recess of her brain. Organized thinking is great for staying in the closet.
Keeping busy keeps her mind off of Sterling. It keeps her away from her dad whose presence and excuses are welcomed by the rest of her family but April doesn’t forget.
It all pays off when she’s clutching an acceptance letter to Wellesley College, trying to find the words to express how relieved she feels. This is her way out.
(“An all women’s liberal college, darling? Are you sure?” Her dad inquires, looking at her curiously.
April looks at anywhere but him.
“God preaches about loving all, being on the leftist coast will help me with the mission and anyways I don’t need boys to distract me from my studies,” April replies sweetly, plastering a smile on her face.
“Oh, how did we end up with such a hardworking girl like you?” Her mom grins, hugging her with one arm and sending out a mass text to her friends with the other. She’s been trying to get back into their good graces for months.
April shrugs it off and her dad doesn’t take his eyes off of her.)
--
April finds herself at Hannah G’s graduation party, the last of the summer. Her parents went on a couples golf/hunting trip so they’ve vacated the premises and watching two hundred and fifty God-loving teenagers getting drunk for the first time is kind of hilarious. At first, nobody wants to risk the neatly packed table of hard seltzers and wine coolers but Blair, of course, makes a rousing and frankly inspiring speech about this being the last day their parents will have a hold on them and that God wouldn’t have allowed Jesus to turn water into wine if he didn’t like alcohol and there begins a quiet trickle to the beverages.
She’s holding a wine cooler that Ezequiel thrusts into her hand with a grossly close whisper, “You gotta let loose, April. Let your hair breathe!” April appeases him with a tiny sip, and no more than that because she is nothing if not responsible, and he cheers.
He and Hannah B try to convince her to join them for the “saintly” game of Seven Minutes in Heaven happening in the living room (The school’s approved version involved the two chosen to go into the chapel and pray for seven minutes, she assumes this is not what they have in mind) but she shrugs them off, the wine cooler dripping in her hand.
So April sits by the pool, dipping her feet in the water as music plays in the background. She notices Blair in one room, standing on a table and belting “Livin’ On A Prayer” with Luke. She’s so distracted by Blair’s surprisingly good voice that she doesn’t see the person next to her until Sterling sits down but she doesn’t have to look to know it’s her; she’d recognize that vanilla scent anywhere.
“Ooh, it’s cold,” Sterling yelps quietly, sticking her feet into the water.
“Yeah but it’s nice,” April replies, moving her feet around. Sterling smiles and they sit like that for a little, creating tiny ripples in the pool.
“So Wellesley, huh?”
“How do you-”
“Your mom told my mom who told me. We live in a pretty small place, you know?”
April makes a sound in agreement. She knows how small this community is; she knows how quickly word can spread.
Sterling leans over and raises an eyebrow, “I’d say congratulations are in order. And an all-girls college?”
April nervously laughs, looking down and playing with the damp sticker on her bottle. “It wasn’t part of the master plan but God has a way of seeing things through.”
Sterling nods in agreement, taking advantage of the pause to drink from her seltzer.
April realizes this might be one of the last times she sees Sterling for a while and it’s hard to even imagine a life without her having known her since kindergarten so she just blurts out, “Sterling, I’m sorry.”
Sterling only furrows her brows at her apology, tucking some hair behind her hair. She opens her mouth to respond but decides against it, waiting for April to continue.
“I’m sorry for being… an asshole at the lock-in.”
Sterling shakes her head, “No, I was the asshole. I was trying to force you to be with me when you clearly weren’t comfortable. I shouldn’t have pressured you. If I had just been more patient,” she trails off.
April startles at this. The thought that Sterling felt that she had anything to do with this situation pained her. She turns, putting her hand on Sterling’s hand before quickly extracting it, remembering where she is, remembering who they are.
“I wasn’t ready. It’s not your fault. My parents, they have always just complicated the situation. You were perfect.”
Sterling raises an eyebrow at that statement.
April laughs, “Okay, you’re a pushover, you’re annoyingly optimistic and unfortunately, Blair is your other half.”
Sterling shoves her and April has to clutch the side of the pool with her free hand to catch her balance.
“Absolutely not, do not push me in, Sterling Wesley,” April tries to sternly say, hiding her smile. She forgot how easily wrapped up with Sterling she can get. “I really am sorry. I shouldn’t have flirted with Luke like that in front of you and I should’ve, I owed you a longer conversation at least.”
Sterling pauses for a moment and murmurs a ‘well, thank you.’
Silence.
April opens her mouth to say something, anything but is cut off by a loud cheer coming from the house. They both look up to see Blair and Lorna high-fiving, having crushed the men’s golf team in beer pong. April is almost impressed with the speed in which Blair is getting through this party.
April knows her chance has passed. It started and ended with that conversation on the bench, but she wants to be friendly with Sterling. For all the years April spent hating her, she didn’t realize how good she’d feel being in her orbit again.
“So... how are things going with the girl from Marietta?” April doesn’t actually want to hear about it but this is what friends do, right?
“Have you been keeping tabs on me, April Stevens?”
“No- no, I uh, no. I just,” April starts sputtering, she can feel the back of her neck turning red. “As Fellowship leader, I think it’s important to keep an eye on the student body.”
Sterling just laughs, rolling her eyes. She pauses to take another sip and then shrugs.
“We uh- we broke up actually.”
April’s heart stops for a second, warmth flooding her chest but she quickly rearranges her face to look sad.
“Georgie was great,” Sterling starts. “Blair actually really liked her,” (April has to suppress an eye roll) “but it just didn’t work out. It wasn’t… the same,” she trails off.
“Oh.” April has to remember to take a breath, “I’m sorry to hear that.”
“Oh yeah, I’m sure you are, sworn enemy.” Sterling teases.
“No seriously, I’m.. I know I didn’t take the news well at first,” Sterling looks over at her curiously but April keeps going, “but you deserve to be able to hold hands with someone you love; To sleep side by side at a stupid school function if you want to.”
Sterling kicks at the water and says under her breath, so softly April has to lean a little to hear it, “I didn’t think you cared.”
The statement unsettles April. She knows the distance she put between them, that they both unspokenly agreed to, but she didn’t realize that Sterling felt that April didn’t care anymore when it was literally the exact opposite. April cared too much for someone who no longer had any claim to Sterling.
“Of course I did. I still care about, you know, your general well-being.”
“Oh well, yeah that’s important.” Sterling sarcastically retorts.
April looks down, fiddling with her fingers.
“I don’t like seeing you sad, Sterling.”
She can feel Sterling turn to look at her and she does not turn back because those annoyingly blue eyes can see straight through her soul and April has not spent two years building these walls back up for nothing.
April wants to diffuse the tension and is about to make a joke about the men’s golf team really not having a grasp on their balls when Sterling starts laughing.
April looks at her bewildered and Sterling just laughs even harder, clutching her side.
“Am I missing something?”
Sterling snorts, wiping the tears from her eyes. “April Stevens, have you been yearning for me?”
April pauses as Sterling continues to laugh. What?
So she echoes the sentiment, “What?”
Sterling still laughing, leans over and dramatically (and a little drunkenly) whispers, “You think your organized thinking hides your emotions but I know you. You still want to cleave to me.”
April knows Sterling is making fun of her now but her gut reaction to vulnerability is to get as far away as possible so she pushes, her hand slapping Sterling’s arm.
A little too hard apparently (April smugly thanks her trainer) and Sterling flops into the pool, shrieking and sputtering as she resurfaces. She’s not laughing anymore but seeing Sterling in a state of mess makes April start laughing. She goes to wipe a tear when she feels her legs being dragged and suddenly she’s in the water with Sterling.
They both stare at each other for a second before bursting into laughter, pushing water and chasing each other around the pool.
Eventually, they both become breathless and the silence stretches.
(In a perfect world, this is where they would reunite and kiss but April knows a burned bridge when she sees one and is thankful she’s made it across this far without falling.)
Sterling pushes up and starts to float on her back, slapping the water beside her.
April quirks her eyebrow and Sterling sighs, “I’m trying to have a moment here.”
“Okay,” April concedes, joining her on her back and they both just lay there watching the stars for a bit.
“Isaiah 43:2”
April smirks, “You actually remembered.”
“I mean you were blackmailing me at the time.”
“Yeah, I’m still sorry about that.”
“It’s okay. If I hadn’t stepped down then I wouldn’t have broken up with Luke and wouldn’t have become.. friends with you again.” Sterling smiles, "You're a part of God’s plan for me.”
“I’ve missed you, April.”
April feels Sterling’s hand close over hers and tugs her over so they’re floating side by side. This is what she was so afraid of?
“I’ve missed you too, Sterling.”
The moment is broken when someone spots them in the pool and yells, “Pool party!” which results in a bunch of teenagers rushing towards them at a frightening speed.
Sterling goes to separate their hands but April tightens her grip.
She doesn’t let go and she feels brave.
--
April finally makes it to Massachusetts.
Her parents drop her off and before they go, they grab lunch in town. She notices a couple at the table to the right of them, a lesbian couple. Before she can even process it, their comfort and ease, her dad mutters dykes under his breath and her mom shushes him lest he cause a scene. April just pushes her food around more intently, counting down the hours until her parents leave.
She knows that people in the North have a lot of prejudgments about Southerners but that doesn’t stop her from proudly wearing her cross and openly debating with her classmates.
(“She’s like a more religious, gayer Ainsley Hayes,” she hears someone whisper behind her at a lecture. The other person responds, “Yeah, it’s actually kind of hot.” April has to hide her laugh.)
She’s a gay Christian from the South and she’s not ashamed of it.
A few weeks into classes, she gets a text on her way to her Comparative Religious Literature class and she has to juggle multiple books onto one hand to reach into her pocket.
From Sterling Wesley:
Saw this tiny blue poisonous frog in my biology textbook and thought of you!
A photo of Sterling posing cheek to cheek with the textbook is attached and April opens it, the goofiest grin plastered on her face.
That someday seems more real than ever before.