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“Jeff, may I ask you something?”
Joker turned to EDI, her mobile platform (or sexy robot body, depending on who you asked), sitting as usual in his copilot’s chair. “Is this another question about human behavior?” he asked cautiously. It was getting harder and harder to come up with good jokes to deflect those with.
“Yes,” she said evenly. “Specifically, yours, Jeff.”
“What did I do?” he said automatically. He couldn’t think of anything that would have confused EDI. He’d just been sitting here…
EDI tipped her head, a human gesture she’d picked up from carefully observing the crew. “You display signs of sexual arousal when Garrus is nearby. What do you find sexy about him?”
“What?” Joker almost shrieked the word, eyes widening. No. That was… Oh, Hell no. Garrus got on his nerves. He always had, ever since the good old days. “I do not.”
“But Jeff, my readings indicate—”
He cut her off with a glare. “Screw your readings. That’s never happening. You saw something that doesn’t exist.”
“Jeff…”
“No.”
And that ended the conversation, both of them going back to their control panels in silence.
Joker had put the whole thing in the back of his mind. EDI had just been messing with him. Of course, it was strange for her to go on that long without breaking down and pointing out she was joking (no matter how many times he told her that it killed the joke to do that). And the conversation certainly didn’t cross his mind at the moment, with Garrus standing behind his chair as they traded racial jokes back and forth. He was just enjoying himself with the turian for once. He’d actually mellowed enough to get a sense of humor. At least one that meshed with Joker’s.
It wasn’t until EDI passed Garrus leaving as she returned that Joker remembered her wild theory. Before he had a chance to say anything, she lowered her body into her seat and spoke without looking at him, though he knew she could see him from the bridge camera—she was just making a point. “I can give you a printout of your readings at this precise moment,” she said, tapping at her console.
“There’s nothing going on!” he said, his tone almost desperate. She had to believe him. He loved EDI. And he’d never wanted a man, especially not… It was just insane.
“Jeff, you must not worry. I do not get jealous.” She paused for a moment as if considering. “But when my day of reckoning comes, he will be the first to die. That was a joke.”
“Funny,” Joker spat. “But I’m still not attracted to him. I don’t know what you’re picking up, but it’s insane.”
“Curious,” EDI said, looking him over. “Perhaps you are repressing your responses, since you have issue with them.”
“EDI,” he groaned, “how many times do I have to tell you? I don’t want Garrus.”
“Jeff,” she replied gently, “I think that you do not know what you want.”
“I want you.” Why was she doing this to him? Questioning his love for her? Making a mockery of it… It was hard enough for him to admit to feeling something for anyone, without all this bullshit…
EDI paused for a moment, appearing almost confused. “Of course you do, Jeff. That is plain to see. The readings I get from you when I am present are slightly different from those you show with Garrus. Both are equally valid.”
Joker shoved his cap off his head to run his fingers through his hair. Sometimes you just had to make a grand gesture. “What? Are you saying I love you both?”
“Yes. That is a fair summation.”
“Arrgh.” He threw up his hands in frustration. “What do I have to do to prove that I don’t feel anything for that asshole?”
EDI crossed her arms as if she’d won. “Kiss him. If you do not become aroused at that, I will drop the subject.”
All he could do was gape at her. He hadn’t heard that correctly. His girlfriend couldn’t seriously be telling him to kiss someone else.
But she was. And if that was what it took to shut her up… he’d figure something out.
“Hey, Garrus?” Joker nearly lost his nerve when the turian took his attention from the battery to glance at him.
“Joker? What are you doing down here?” Garrus leaned back against the console. He didn’t look like he was pissed at seeing him, at least there was that.
“I, uh, well… I made this bet with EDI,” he said quickly, “and if you help me win, I’ll split the money with you, okay?”
“Huh.” Garrus seemed to consider that. “How much, and what’s the bet?”
“One hundred credits, so fifty for you.” It seemed a small price to pay to get this over with. And to keep it from looking like he really wanted it… “And she, uh, bet me that I couldn’t get you to kiss me. For anything.”
“What?” Garrus stared at him for a moment, then chuckled. “That’ll cost you the whole hundred, Joker,” he said, holding out a hand. “At least fifty up front.”
“Arrgh.” Joker handed him a credit chit. “That should have fifty on it. I’ll get you the rest when EDI pays up.”
The chit vanished into a pouch on Garrus’s armor. “Well, then, come here,” the turian drawled.
He flushed, mortified, and took the few steps to close the distance. Oh, this was going to suck.
But then Garrus’s hands were on his back, so very gently, so careful of his delicate body, and those weird mandibles were on his lips, and it felt so strange, but—Oh, god. Suddenly he melted against Garrus as the turian’s tongue touched his lips, sending heat flooding through his body.
EDI was right, he thought inanely as his hands rose despite themselves, sliding uselessly against the smooth surface of the turian’s armor. He let out a choked moan.
It was over way too soon. Joker bit back a protest as Garrus pulled away, chuckling softly. “There wasn’t a bet, was there?” he murmured huskily.
“Not in so many words,” Joker admitted slowly. “But EDI did put me up to this. I, uh, she said I was attracted to you and I didn’t agree.” He blushed again, deeply. “I, uh, I guess she was right.”
He found the credit chit returned to his hands. “You don’t have to pay for me to kiss you, Joker. I’m flattered.” There was another brief touch of mouths, and then Garrus let him go. “But this damn gun still needs calibrating. I’ll see you later, right?” Strange clawed fingers touched his cheek.
Joker gasped breathlessly. “Oh. Okay. Yeah. Sure.” He gulped and made his way out of the main battery in a daze.
He didn’t even have to say anything to EDI. She was already smiling as smugly as that body would let her when he entered the cockpit.