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Sometimes, Kageyama worries.
He worries mostly because of the person he used to be, who he’s afraid he’ll be again.
To toss and have no one be there might have been his biggest fear, and it came true. To lose the support of his tools. To have his goal slip away from him.
Kageyama had always been alone. He was obsessed with volleyball, and within that, he was obsessed with winning at volleyball. He didn’t make friends, with his classmates, who didn’t understand his obsession with the sport, or with his teammates, who didn’t like his focus on triumph over cooperation. It was unbefitting of someone who was supposed to lead them. He was a dictator. A King.
He used to think, why did they want a leader if they wouldn’t follow? His direction was supposed to guide them to the goal. He had the skills; they just needed to do their part. Didn’t everyone want to win?
The answer to that seemed to be ‘No.’
Some people were just in it for the fun.
But winning is fun, Kageyama had thought. Losing was horrible. Unacceptable.
He came to Karasuno High School.
‘I’ll toss to anyone who’s essential to winning,’ was what he told to Hinata Shouyou. And so Hinata made himself essential to winning. He put in the effort where Kageyama’s former teammates had not. So Kageyama thought he respected him for that, as much as he could respect anyone who was that clumsy or stupid. He respected his drive.
Kageyama thought he had tossed to Hinata because Hinata obeyed him.
But it was more than that.
He didn’t understand how, exactly, but it was more. Hinata supplied him with something he hadn’t had before.
It drove him mad for weeks. What was this shift in his life? This different sense about him that ran through everything he did? Eating, sleeping, going to class, running, playing volleyball. He felt different. It disturbed him.
Instead of this terrible hunger for winning, he felt surety. He felt confidence. And eventually, he discovered it was because he was no longer striving alone. This was what it meant to be on a team, to have comrades. To have other people working with you, towards your goal. Towards a shared goal. It was what he had been missing before.
And now he was afraid of losing it. He was afraid of the day they would stop sharing his goal. Of the day he reverted back to his self, reclaimed his old nickname, and lost everything he had gained.
He was afraid of being alone.
“Oi, Kageyama, are you asleep?” Hinata whispers from the floor next to him.
There’s something else he’s afraid of losing.
‘I like you,’ was what Hinata Shouyou had told him. There had been more to it than that. Blushing and fidgeting and lots of build-up, all of which had made Kageyama nervous that it was going to be something much more…awful…than a crush.
Hinata having a crush on him wasn’t awful at all.
In fact, he had a crush on Hinata right back, not that he realized exactly what it was until Hinata had confessed to him. What a strange thing to feel for another person. It was constricting and freeing at the same time. But he didn’t dislike it. It was the opposite. He couldn’t imagine being without it.
It wasn’t as if it was easy, keeping up with Hinata’s pace and all. But it was easier than being alone. Better.
“No,” he says back, also whispering, even though there’s no reason to.
“I could hear you thinking.”
“Dumbass, you can’t hear someone think.”
“I can hear you think! You think so loud, it’s like ‘Gwahh!’”
Kageyama rolls over on his side, away from Hinata. “Hm.”
Hinata is only quiet for a second, but then he starts to sound serious. “What are you thinking about?”
“Nothing. Go to sleep, Hinata.”
There’s another moment of quiet that draws into a full minute, and Kageyama thinks he’s given up. But then he hears the shuffling of covers, and then the covers on his own bed are moving, and Hinata is pushing him to the side. “Move over,” he says.
“There’s not enough room for both of us!”
“So stop being so tall!”
“That doesn’t make any sense!” But he squishes himself over against the wall anyway to accommodate Hinata’s small form. There’s more room than he thought.
Hinata is pressed up against his back, and he snakes one arm around Kageyama’s waist. His breath is tickling the back of Kageyama’s neck. He’s warm, and he smells clean, like clothes fresh out of the dryer. It’s not uncomfortable, like he thought it would be. Hinata’s presence is usually stifling, and sometimes he can only take so much. But this is nice.
They lie there for a bit, neither one saying anything, letting each other’s heat melt into them, listening to their breathing slow.
Kageyama moves his arm slowly to cover Hinata’s, joining them by threading his long, thin fingers through Hinata’s shorter ones, aware of the feel of the back of his hand on his palm. He squeezes gently, maintains the pressure, anchoring himself to Hinata’s hand.
“You’re stupid,” Hinata mumbles against the back of his neck. “Whatever you’re worrying about is stupid. You’re not as much of a jerk anymore, so everyone likes you now. Except for Tsukishima, maybe, but he doesn’t like anyone. But you’re good at volleyball, and you’re tall, and your hair is soft and doesn’t stick up all over the place, so you don’t have any problems at all. So stop thinking and go to sleep.”
Kageyama smiles a little. A normal smile that he doesn’t think about, so it doesn’t look creepy, not that Hinata can see it since he’s facing away from him. It’s that simple for him. Being good at volleyball, being tall, having straight hair. Kageyama wonders if it’s possible not to like Hinata. Aside from Tsukishima, who doesn’t seem to like anyone, he’s never met anyone who knows Hinata who doesn’t have something nice to say about him. He even made friends with that scary blocker from Datekougyou.
It must be nice. Now that he recognizes loneliness, it’s scarier for him to think about returning to.
Hinata squeezes his hand back. For such a small person, he really does have a lot of power. Maybe not physical power, but other kinds. Like how in volleyball, he’s not tall, but he can definitely make up for it with his jump. He’s got a powerful presence. It puts Kageyama at ease a little.
He’s not like Hinata, all energy and smiles and positivity. But Hinata likes him anyway. The others on the team—Tanaka, Sugawara, Asahi; everyone else. It’s a different feeling from before.
Maybe the reason for King Kageyama Tobio was his isolation. Now that he isn’t anymore, shouldn’t that mean the King is gone for good?
It’s been a few minutes since Hinata last said anything, and Kageyama recognizes his breathing has slowed down to hardly be noticeable. His fingers are still curled around Kageyama’s.
This place and this time are a good place and a good time to stop worrying and go to sleep.