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Neil found himself having a deeper newfound respect for Nicky.
The elder had survived years of being apart from his boyfriend, him and Erik only getting to see each other through a screen during hushed video calls at night. Erik occasionally visited for their important games, like he did during their final match against the Ravens Neil’s freshman year, but he had only stayed for two days at most because he needed to get back to Germany for his own work and responsibilities. Neil could tell that Nicky is the absolute happiest during these short visits, and he can also see the way Nicky’s usual sunshiney demeanor dims for a few days after Erik leaves.
Based on what he’d seen and heard from Nicky he knew that long distance relationships were challenging, and as he and Andrew’s this deepened, he was aware that there would come a time when he would personally experience the hardships of not having your significant other next to you for long periods of time.
He just didn’t know it would be that difficult.
Neil is currently in his fifth year at Palmetto. The cousins and Kevin graduated a few months ago, and Neil helped Andrew move into the new apartment Andrew had purchased which was near where his new team practices. It was hard for the both of them, knowing they would have to survive at least a year apart with only a few visits due to their busy schedules, especially Andrew’s.
Try as he might to suppress it, Neil knew that he had grown dependent on Andrew. Not in an unhealthy way, but rather Andrew keeps him grounded; a steady presence he can lean on during the days when memories and sensations get to be too much, a breath of fresh air when his past catches up with him and tries to drown him in its clutches. The past four years have been the happiest Neil had been, surrounded by his found family, and even if the other Foxes had graduated they still kept close contact with him. He never could’ve imagined that he’d get to live his life the way he chooses to, and had his mother still been alive she would be so angry at him for going against his instincts to run run run never look back. Back then having deep attachments to other people is something that needed to be avoided at all costs, but here he is, five years in the same school, with his phone almost always blowing up with messages from the people he cares the most about.
For four years Neil found more and more reasons to stay, allowing himself to get used to being surrounded by people who looked out for him no matter what. Now that he was alone again, it was jarring, and for someone who had always been running alone before arriving at Palmetto, Neil had no idea how exactly to deal with it this time around. Especially with being apart from Andrew.
He’s grateful that Robin was there, that he still has someone he can consider to be close with even after all the other original Foxes graduate. But sometimes he misses them too much, misses Andrew too much, and on those days it’s like the energy is drained out of him. Robin tries her best to distract him and cheer him up when it happens, and though he’s thankful for it they both know that it’s not enough.
Right now he’s working on a paper that’s due the next morning, and he groans in frustration, cradling his head in his hands. He’s barely halfway through, and no matter how hard he tries his brain just can’t seem to cooperate with him. He doesn’t know why he, a Math major, has a subject on world contemporary arts and needs to write about the relevance of art during the ancient civilizations and its application in today’s modern times. Sure, he might have known some of the history and facts they discussed from his life on the run and also from Kevin’s frequent ramblings about world history, but that doesn’t mean he’s interested enough to have meaningful thoughts about it.
The door to the dorm opens and in walks Robin, holding a takeout bag. She puts it down at the table and throws herself on the couch, turning on the television and getting a burger from the bag. After another few minutes of failing to come up with ideas for his paper, Neil turns around from the desk where he was working and faces her.
“It’s almost eleven. Do I need to know where you’ve been and why you got back this late?”
Robin looks at him with an eyebrow raised, teasing him by chewing on the burger in the way she knows annoys Neil to no end. “You need to work on your whole big brother act towards me. You look constipated each time you try to show a smidge of concern.”
Neil rolls his eyes. “Fine, perish then. And you didn’t answer my question. Who knows what kind of trouble you’re getting yourself into this time.”
Robin snorts, reaching into the takeout bag. “Look who’s talking. Coach’s gray hairs are mainly because of you.”
Neil gives her an unamused look, and she swallows and sticks out her tongue at him. He shakes his head and is about to turn back to his paper when he spots motion in his peripheral and moves just in time to catch the wrapped burger thrown at him. It was still warm, probably taken from the newly made batch when Robin bought it.
“Eat first. You’re obviously not making any progress with that. Take a break, Josten.”
Neil concedes and stands up, sighing in satisfaction as he stretches. He heads to the couch and flops down on one end, across from Robin who was leaning on the other arm. He unwraps the burger and takes a big bite, moaning as he realizes that this is his first meal in hours.
“Careful there,” Robin teases as he takes another huge bite. “Andrew will have my head if you end up dying from choking on a burger.”
A sarcastic response was already at the tip of Neil’s tongue, ready to be uttered, but at the mention of Andrew he closes his mouth and his shoulders sag. They haven’t seen each other personally for over 2 months now. Though they video call as often as they can, sometimes both of them are too busy or tired that they either don’t have the time, or have immediately passed out upon laying on the bed. It’s not enough.
Robin picks up on the sudden mood change and winces. “Sorry.”
Neil shakes his head, smiling ruefully at her. “Nothing to apologize for, don’t worry.”
She studies him carefully, head tilted and eyes slightly narrowed.
“You really miss him, don’t you?”
Neil tries to protest but he knows it’s futile. It wasn’t necessarily a question anyways, not even a rhetorical one. It was a statement, plain and simple and direct.
He just nods in reply, looking down at his half-eaten burger. He suddenly doesn’t have much of an appetite anymore. He fiddles with the corners of the wrapper, and silence blankets the room for a few minutes before Robin breaks it.
“Have you tried talking to Nicky?”
The striker looks up at her, brows furrowed. “What do you mean?”
Robin crumples up her wrapper as she swallows down the last of her burger. “He and his boyfriend did long distance, right? Maybe you can talk to him and ask for some tips on how to cope with it. After all, they managed for years, not to mention the different countries and large time difference. If Nicky can handle that, then I’m more than sure that you and Andrew can handle being a few states apart.”
Neil hums thoughtfully. Robin was right. If anyone can help him with his current predicament, it’s Nicky. Neil even remembers that during Kevin and the cousins’ graduation day, Nicky himself told him and Andrew that if they needed advice on anything, they shouldn’t hesitate to call him. He had been purposefully vague and general back then, but Neil and Andrew knew exactly what he meant.
Neil meets Robin’s eyes and gives a small smile. “You got a point. I might give Nicky a call soon.”
Robin smiles back, nudging his leg with her knee. “You’ll be okay. Now, though, what you need to worry about is finishing your paper.”
He groans again, throwing his head back on the arm of the couch. “Can I just...not do it?”
“Sure,” Robin drawls, “don’t submit it, so you won’t get any credits, which means your grade might not reach the quota, which means you might get held back, which means you might not graduate in time, which means longer time before moving in with Andrew.”
Neil looks at her incredulously, chuckling a bit. “You’re so dramatic.”
“Just go and do it, lazybones,” she chides. Neil stands and heads back to his desk, pushing back his missing Andrew thoughts for the meantime and focusing on the paper in front of him. Maybe he might end up calling Nicky the next morning, but right now he has art during the Ancient Greek period to deal with.
Neil wakes up at 5 a.m. for his usual morning run before his 7 a.m. class. He does his laps, comes back to the dorm and takes a shower, something he didn’t do before but became part of his routine not long after getting together with Andrew. The goalkeeper had always refused to kiss him until after he stopped smelling like sweat from his run, so it became a habit.
He usually tries to take a quick nap again before heading to class, but today he can’t bring himself to go back to sleep. So by 6:30, Neil is freshly showered and almost ready for class, rummaging around in their pantry for something that can pass as breakfast. He settles on a pack of biscuits when he finds nothing else, making a mental note to restock on groceries this afternoon after all his classes.
The previous night’s conversation with Robin replays in Neil’s mind, and he grabs his phone from his pocket and unlocks it. To everyone’s relief Neil had started using it more and is now keeping it charged, mainly because it was currently the only thing connecting him to the graduated Foxes and Andrew, so like hell would he let himself miss out on any opportunity to talk to them.
He scrolls down his contacts until he sees and clicks on Nicky’s. His finger hovers on the call button, debating whether or not he should really do it.
He thinks about Andrew’s breath fanning softly against his neck in the mornings, Andrew’s fingertips lightly grazing the dip of his back while Neil makes coffee for the both of them.
He thinks about watching Andrew while he studies, wearing the glasses that Neil secretly loves seeing on him, eyes roaming over the pages of his textbooks as he commits every important information to memory.
He thinks about their rooftop sessions, the late night murmurs and kisses between the sheets, and the aimless drives in the middle of the night when either of them abruptly wake up from nightmares.
He never realized how much he misses even the most trivial habits and actions that Andrew did when he was still there. Neil misses him so much it physically aches sometimes and he doesn’t know what to do, and with that thought he presses call.
The phone rings once, twice, and then Nicky’s voice, muffled and still laced with sleep, flows through the speaker.
“Neil?”
“Hey,” Neil greets, belatedly remembering their five-hour time difference. It should be around half past eleven in Germany, but by the looks of it the elder just woke up.
“Isn’t it like, the crack of dawn there right now?”
“Yeah, um, sorry for waking you. I can just call again later so you can go back to sleep—”
“Hey, no, it’s okay. I took a day off from work today, so you honestly kinda have perfect timing. So what’s up?”
Now that he’s actually talking to Nicky, Neil suddenly doesn’t know what to say; doesn’t know how to broach the topic despite Nicky giving him a free pass to come to him for advice whenever Neil wants to. He doesn’t answer for a few moments, trying to organize the thoughts in his head and figure out how to put into words the feelings running rampant inside of him ever since Andrew moved out of the dorm.
“Neil? You still there?”
“Yes, I am, it’s just...well...it’s Andrew.”
He can hear rustling on the other end, followed by whispers in German, soft footsteps, and a door creaking; Nicky must’ve gotten out of bed and went out of their room.
“What about him? Is everything alright? Is Andrew okay?”
“He’s alright,” Neil replies immediately, stopping Nicky from getting worried. “It’s not even directly about him, I guess, I just…”
He feels embarrassed now and has half a mind to talk to Nicky about something else, pretending it was his intended topic all along. Maybe this wasn’t as good an idea as he thought after all.
“You miss him.”
It is said in the same manner Robin used the previous night, and Neil is outright startled. Is it really that obvious? Is he seriously so gone for Andrew that someone an ocean away managed to derive what he was feeling from just a few words that didn’t even explain anything?
Neil has three types of responses, Allison had said one time, and those are fight, flight, or lovesick puppy. The lovesick puppy response is just him looking so smitten at anything and everything Andrew.
Damn. He must really be that far gone.
“How did you deal with it, Nicky?” Neil asks, resigned. “Being apart from Erik for years.”
“To be honest? Sometimes I ask myself that, too.”
It isn’t too surprising an answer, but it isn’t what Neil expected either. Nicky, who had always been so confident and outgoing to a fault and so ready to take any situation in stride, feeling uncertain about something was an image kind of difficult to conjure.
“Sometimes it was easy,” Nicky continues. “Between academics and Exy practice and making sure Andrew and Aaron don’t strangle each other, it took my mind off of it. Being busy distracted me from thinking about Erik, or the distance between us, too much. The video calls helped too, on those days. It was like a motivation somehow. A reminder of what’s waiting for me once I graduate, once my last Exy season is over, once I completely make sure that the twins are okay and living the lives they deserve. It was a reminder that Erik was willing to wait, even if it took years. That was what made it lighter.”
“...And the other times?” Neil almost whispers.
Silence for a few seconds, then a sigh.
“There were days...when Erik’s physical absence felt like a rock pinning me down, making it impossible to move. Days wherein I missed him so much I had no energy to do anything else, and every single thing just seemed to remind me of him in some way, as if adding insult to injury. Just hearing his name felt like a stab in the heart, because I wanted him to be there so badly but he isn’t and the worst thing is I can’t do anything about it and it’s just so frustrating. And it’s ten times worse when you’re already having a bad or tiring day in general and that heavy feeling decides to join in.”
“Yeah,” Neil agrees, grip tightening on his phone. That was exactly what he felt, and Nicky managed to capture it perfectly.
“You and Andrew call each other a lot, don’t you?”
“Most of the time, yeah. When we’re not too busy we video call. When it’s late or when we’re pretty tired we just voice call. But sometimes we don’t have the time to talk at all.”
“Yeah, it really sucks at times,” Nicky chuckles, then turns serious again. “But Neil...I know it’s hard, but you can do it. You and Andrew are the two most stubborn fuckers I know. If anyone can get through this and kick long distance in the ass, it’s you two. Just keep in mind that in a year or so, you’ll get to move in with him. Also, you and Andrew are still in the same country, just in different cities. That makes visiting each other a little easier, at least. I’m sure Andrew would grab every opportunity to visit as much as he can, even if he acts all dismissive about it. I know you would, too.”
Neil taps his fingers mindlessly on the table. “Okay. Okay, you’re right. Thanks Nicky, for uh, for helping me with this. I know it’s technically not even a big deal, but—”
“Nonsense. Your feelings are valid, Neil, and totally normal. I’m glad you decided to call me. Feel free to do it as many times as you want or need, okay?”
Neil smiles, although he’s aware that the elder can’t see him. “Thanks again. I gotta head to class now, but I’ll talk to you again soon.”
“Of course!” Nicky says cheerily. “I have some stories and experiences here in Germany that I’m itching to tell you guys, and since I still make it a point to Skype the twins every now and then, I’ll call Andrew when you guys are together, so I can tell you both at once. Now get to class, and good luck!”
“Bye Nicky, tell Erik I said hi.”
“Sure thing,” Nicky replies, and Neil hangs up. He feels better after the call and talking to Nicky. He grabs his backpack and heads out of the dorm, preparing himself for another day of classes and afternoon Exy practice.
He also hopes Andrew won’t be busy later this week, because he really wants to see the blond’s face again after about a week of not being able to call each other. He’s even willing to stay up all night if that’s the only time he can ever talk to Andrew.
Neil doesn’t have to wait long because two days later, as soon as he gets back from practice and dumps his bag on his desk, he feels the phone in his back pocket vibrate and blare the default ringtone for video calls.
He scampers on to the bed, sliding his thumb across the screen. Andrew’s face replaces the caller ID, and Neil’s breath catches at the sight of his boyfriend.
Andrew is in his apartment; Neil can tell from the sight of the living room curtains behind the couch the blond is sitting on. Neil himself picked out the couch and curtains when they went shopping for furniture.
(Come to think of it, Neil had chosen most of the furniture and decor adorning Andrew’s apartment. Andrew was just silent the entire time, letting Neil pick whatever he wanted and only swapping out some items that weren’t up to his standards. If anyone asked Andrew about it he would just say that he could care less about the furniture so he simply let Neil loose.
If watching Neil look so content and relaxed while choosing between striped or checkered bed sheets, indulging himself in something he never got to do for most of his life, was mainly the reason for Andrew’s decision...well, no one needed to know.)
Andrew looks like he just woke up from a post-practice nap. His blond hair is more tousled than usual, and Neil finds himself aching to run his fingers through it. Andrew rubs the last traces of sleep from his eyes, and the striker’s gaze lingers on long and slender fingers.
“If you keep staring I will hang up.”
Neil blinks, smiles. “Hey to you too. How was practice?”
“Still boring as ever.”
“Nothing interesting happened? No balls shot at helmets or anything?”
“No, although I was close to doing it to Jensen. He was being annoying. And you? You had that test today, didn’t you?”
Neil hums and nods. “I think I did okay. I managed to get enough time to study for it, and my previous assessments also got pretty good scores, so I’m not particularly nervous about failing the class.”
Neil proceeds to tell Andrew stories about what transpired during the week, as well as updating him on the practices with the Foxes. He purposely leaves out the part where he calls Nicky to ask for advice, though. He feels slightly embarrassed at the prospect of Andrew finding out.
Andrew listens to all those stories in silence, leaning back on his couch and studying Neil’s face over the phone screen.
“Things are a bit different now that all you guys are gone,” Neil continues, “but I’m still determined to use the last year of my captaincy to make sure that the team is still strong enough to hold their ground and make it to championships even after I graduate. Although with Robin being set to take my place next year, I’m not too worried. I know I’ll be leaving the team in good and capable hands.”
When Neil finishes, Andrew shakes his head and mutters, “Junkie.”
Neil doesn’t miss the sliver of warmth and emotion that Andrew failed to conceal in his tone.
“Anything else you wanna share?” Andrew asks, and Neil shakes his head and shrugs.
“No, that’s about it. Nothing too important or interesting happened anyways.”
Andrew becomes silent again, but Neil recognizes the look on his face; it’s one of contemplation. He usually sees it during Andrew’s games, when the goalkeeper studies the other teams’ strategies, using the knowledge to shut them out and block shots that would’ve been expected to go in.
Now, Andrew’s contemplative silence suggests that he’s debating whether or not to say something, and Neil patiently waits.
“I talked to Nicky earlier today.”
Neil had no idea what he was expecting for Andrew to say, but it certainly isn’t that.
“Oh? So your monthly Skype session happened earlier than planned?”
“I guess so.”
Neil waits for Andrew to explain further, but when he doesn’t Neil takes it upon himself to ask. “How did it go? What did you two talk about?”
“The usual,” Andrew drawls, waving a hand dismissively. However, he suddenly levels Neil with a pointed look that has the striker fidgeting under the intense gaze. “But he did mention something else to me.”
Oh. Oh.
Damn it, Nicholas Hemmick.
Neil wants to try and change the subject, but he knows that Andrew already knows and there’s no point trying to pretend otherwise.
“Yeah, um, I may have called him two days ago.”
“That much is obvious, Josten. Tell me something I don’t know.”
“...What?”
“Nicky said you went to him to ask for help about something.”
“Wait,” Neil’s brows furrow, “he didn’t mention the exact reason why I called him?”
“No. He just said you asked for help, but didn’t say what for. He said I should ask you about it myself.”
Neil almost audibly sighs in relief, and is reminded of another reason why he chose to call Nicky in the first place. For all of Nicky’s teases and outbursts, he knows this is something that Neil would want to discuss with Andrew at his own pace. Especially considering this is the first time Neil feels this strongly for anyone.
Andrew watches him calmly. “You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”
“No it’s okay, it’s not even much of a big deal honestly,” Neil answers. “I called him so I can ask for advice about...this.”
“This?” Andrew echoes.
Neil gestures between them, separated by a screen and hundreds of miles, and Andrew understands.
“I hate it,” Neil mumbles, soft enough that Andrew almost misses it. “I mean I understand that we can’t always talk, since both of us have pretty busy schedules. But it’s been a week since we last talked and it’s been hitting me kinda hard, I guess? Even the littlest things remind me of you. The dorm feels so empty now that it’s just me and Robin. I called Nicky because he obviously had experience with this with Erik, so I thought he would’ve been able to share some of his insights or whatever. And he did, and it actually sorta helped.”
Andrew is staring at him again, and after the sort of confession he did Neil feels a bit self-conscious. He’s about to throw Andrew’s trademark “staring” remark back at him, but Andrew cuts him off just as he opens his mouth again.
“It’s been hard for me too, without...without your stupid face and snarky ass. My teammates seemed to have noticed too. They kept on asking me about you. And the lack of noise in my apartment is, contrary to my own belief, not as peaceful as I imagined it would be.”
Neil’s mouth stays parted, eyes widening at what Andrew just said. He’s trying to come up with words to answer him, but apparently Andrew isn’t done flooring him because the next words out of his mouth make Neil freeze.
“I miss you.”
He never expected Andrew to say it. Not because he thought Andrew didn’t feel it, but because the blond had always been a show rather than tell kind of person. Neil is quite predictably the more verbal one between them, and although Andrew did sometimes provide verbal assurance that he feels just as strongly for Neil as Neil does for him, Neil is aware that saying those things is a big deal to the blond. It signifies that Andrew is willingly allowing Neil to see him without scathing facades.
It signifies that Andrew is trying, and for Neil that is more than enough.
Which is why hearing from Andrew the statement that he’s been mustering up the courage to tell Andrew himself is jolting, and the effect it has on him is immediate.
It’s like the heavy feeling in his gut melts away, the stress he’s been dealing with evaporating into thin air. Neil is also quite certain he’s looking at Andrew with such fondness he might actually look like the heart eyes emoji Matt keeps texting him.
As Allison would call it, he’s in his lovesick puppy response.
“Jesus, Neil, close your mouth or you’ll catch flies. You look like someone just told you that you won stickball championships.”
“Do I?” Neil asks, grinning. “Oh well, good analogy. I guess this is naturally the face I make towards the most important things to me.”
Andrew glares at him, but the light pink slowly dusting his cheeks only makes Neil giddier.
“I miss you too, you know,” Neil says, voice low. “If it wasn’t evident enough already.”
Andrew rolls his eyes and huffs in exasperation, yet the creeping flush up his neck clearly gives him away. Neil chuckles.
The next day Neil’s phone pings while he’s doing homework, alerting him of a text message. It’s from Andrew, and when he opens it he finds that the message is just a picture with no caption whatsoever.
The camera angle shows Andrew’s legs sprawled out, clad in black skinny jeans. That means Andrew isn’t at his apartment nor is he at practice. There’s a small peek of silver underneath his thighs which suggests that he’s sitting on a metal chair. The hand that isn’t holding the phone is on his thigh, grasping something between his thumb and index finger.
But two things catch Neil’s eye more than Andrew’s legs.
First: a duffel bag Andrew usually uses for travelling placed on the floor by his feet.
Second: the thing Andrew is holding, he realizes upon zooming in, is a plane ticket.