Work Text:
Sam Winchester is eighteen and he feels like he’s flying.
It’s August, and twelve hours ago Dean drove him to the bus stop, gave him all the money in his wallet, and wished him good luck at Stanford. Now, Sam is moving into his dorm room and he can’t help but feel ecstatic. He feels awkward when he first gets to campus, because it’s an Ivy League school full of rich kids and child proteges and he’s just Sam Winchester with the dead mom and estranged family. He only has a backpack, a duffle bag and six hundred dollars and it feels like everyone else is bringing in trunk loads of things to decorate their rooms with.
He emailed his job application for a position as a server at a restaurant just off campus two weeks ago, and he starts in two days. Classes don’t start for another week and a half, so he figures that’s enough time for him to settle in.
He leaves his things on the bed of his choosing, leaving the other for his roommate and goes downstairs to catch a cab and go to the store. He doesn’t have bedding yet or any essentials, just his toiletries and the textbooks he found worn and beaten at some second hand store.
He knows how bleak things might look from the outside, but he swears he’s never been happier.
--------------
He comes back from shopping to see his roommate has already set up his own things.
He introduces himself as Louise. He’s your average college student and Sam already likes him a lot. He’s an obvious extrovert, and he asks Sam a lot of questions.
He dodges the ones about his family.
Sam sets up his side of the room, and can’t help feeling just a bit embarrassed that it's so… plain. Louise’s side has lights and posters and a freaking mini fridge . Sam doesn’t have more than the school necessities, bedding and storage containers and he had considered his purchase of a nicer-than-average picture frame for his single, worn photo of him, Dad and Dean sitting on Baby’s hood an over-the-top indulgence.
Louise tells Sam that it looks nice, that minimalism is all the rage down in Los Angeles and that if he ever needs anything, all he has to do is ask.
Sam thinks that he really likes being normal.
------------
Sam’s first day at work is hectic, to say the least.
He’s never worked a proper job before. He mowed lawns in the towns he lived in and Bobby let him help out when he worked on cars, but he’s never been an actual employee anywhere. Dad and Dean were the only ones who ever actually worked, and even that was a rare occasion.
He shows up at the restaurant twenty minutes early because he’s supposed to have the manager show him the ropes and tell him what to do. Her name is Cindy, and she tries her best to make sure his first day is easy, but it's obvious she’s frazzled and is new in her position as well.
He almost spills two drinks and an older man almost yells at him all in his first shift. When he leaves, he thanks Cindy and he can tell she appreciates being acknowledged for her hard work.
He gets back to his dorm before the sun sets, and Louise is sitting on his bed reading a book Sam doesn’t recognize. He smiles as he walks in the door, asks him about work.
Sam answers him with a grin, because he thinks that it's safe to say he has a friend here.
---------------
It’s Halloween.
Sam’s going out with Louise and his friends to some party a few miles away. He likes college, but it's stressful. He’s getting straight A’s in all of his classes and work like that takes a lot out of a person. His job is hard, too. Brian got caught swiping from the register, so now everyone’s picking up extra shifts to make up for being one employee short. Louise invited him along because this is Sam’s first free Friday in what feels like forever and he knows he needs to unwind. Apparently a few of his friends are coming along too, and it’d be a good opportunity for Sam to make some friends.
They meet a few blocks away from Sam and Louise’s dorm room and Sam almost trips over his own feet when he sees her.
She’s tall, about 5’10 or 5’11 and has the kindest smile he’s ever seen. She’s blonde with warm, brown eyes and she’s dressed like some kind of zombie cheerleader. Suddenly Sam is embarrassed to be the only person not wearing a costume, but then he remembers how much he hates halloween and it really doesn’t seem like that big of a deal anymore.
She says her name is Jess and that she’s a nursing major and something about her tells Sam that he’s going to fall for her fast and hard.
By the end of the night he’s asked her out on a date.
--------------
It’s December and Sam and Jess are sitting in a friend’s apartment when he gets the call.
It’s from Bobby, and Sam is confused because he hasn’t seen Bobby since he was fourteen when he threatened to shoot Dad full of buckshot. He didn’t even know that Bobby had his number, and now a sinking feeling is growing in his stomach. He excuses himself and stands in the corner of the room, bringing the phone to his ear.
“Hello?”
“ Sam.” Bobby says in lieu of a greeting, and even though they aren’t seeing each other face-to-face Sam can tell that his voice is hoarse from crying.
“Bobby, hey. Wh-What’s wrong? Why’re you calling?” he asks, but he’s not sure he even really wants an answer.
He hears his friends pause the movie they’re watching to make sure he’s alright, and Jess asks who’s on the phone.
Bobby sighs on the other side of the line and Sam knows the answer isn’t going to be one he likes.
“Dean’s- Dean’s dead, Sam. Whoever got him was trying to send a message… Took pictures, mutilated him. It’s just- It’s not pretty. Yer daddy thinks it was the thing that killed your mom, but we don’t know jack shit. Can’t get a location from the envelope that had the pictures in it, can’t find Dean’s car or his last known whereabouts...
I’m sorry, son.”
Sam tells everyone he has to go and walks right out the door.
His eyes sting and he thinks that maybe this is what it's like to have your wings clipped.
------------
His friends ask him the next day what happened, and he tells them a butchered version of the truth: That his brother’s been murdered and he’s heading to his uncle’s for the funeral. He’s already emailed his teachers and booked a plane ticket.
They console him as best they can, but he tries to keep his walls steady and not break down in front of them.
Jess tells him that he doesn’t have to tell her anything at all but she’ll be there if he ever feels ready to. He thanks her through watery eyes and tells her about Dean. Dean who raised him as best he could in wake of an absent father. Dean who would skip out on meals just to make sure that Sam was getting enough to eat because Dad was at work and they didn’t have enough money to get enough meals for two. Dean who drove Sam to the bus stop and gave his brother all his money because he wanted to get an education.
Dean who Sam had neglected.
He was angry, at first that Dean hadn’t defended him when he’d fought with Dad. He’d just assumed that Dean was taking Dad’s side, but now he sees Dean not disagreeing with either of them for what it was: a last, desperate attempt to keep their already shattered family together. Sam was short with him when he was a teenager and thought he was always right, acted like a brat when all Dean wanted was to make sure Sam and Dad were happy. Sam had never bothered to ask what Dean wanted. Dean lived for family, always tried his best to get Sam and Dad to stop arguing or butting heads. He put up with Sam’s crap since he was four years old, and Sam had never stopped to acknowledge how much Dean sacrificed for him. Hell, he’d started ignoring Dean’s messages the minute he got to Stanford, stopped answering them altogether about three months ago.
Sam wishes he could see Dean’s face one more time.
---------------
They have a hunter’s funeral without a body.
Dad’s there at Bobby’s and when Sam walks into the house they’re talking about Dean over half empty glasses of whiskey. Sam doesn’t say anything, just hugs them both and follows them outside to the pyre.
He stalls as he sees something on Bobby’s desk. It’s the pictures Bobby had mentioned, and he knows that whoever killed Dean is a monster in more than biology. He’s disfigured and maimed and Sam can barely recognize him, the only sign that it’s Dean being the same hair and same shirt that Sam has seen a hundred times.
Still, something about the pictures feels odd and he shakes it off because it's just the fact that it's Dean and Sam never considered that fact that one day his brother would die.
They burn the empty pyre without saying anything to each other and Sam tries his hardest not to break.
When the fire goes out, they go back inside and have a few beers. Dad asks Sam about college, and Sam answers him because Dean never wanted them to fight. Before he leaves, Dad apologizes, tells Sam that he should’ve known that he wanted to go to school. That it’s what Dean wanted for him and Dad wants it, too. Sam smiles and tells Dad it’s good to see him, and he doesn’t want to be estranged because Dean wouldn’t want that either. Dad agrees and gives Sam a picture of him and Dean that he found a couple days ago under the passenger seat of his truck.
Sam stares at it the entire flight back to California.
-------------
It’s Dean’s birthday.
Sam is sitting in his dorm room going through all the pictures of him and Dean that he keeps on his wall. He still regrets not speaking to Dean, but Jess says that he wouldn’t want him to sulk and he knows she’s right. Still, he can’t help but feel upset.
Dean would be twenty three today.
Sam hopes he’s in a better place, eating something with way too many calories and watching those shitty westerns and horror movies he loves so much. Sam hopes he’s happy.
-------------
Sam’s own birthday approaches faster than he thought it would and it stings knowing it's the first one without Dean.
His friends are kind, and they know this past year’s been tough on him so they try their hardest to make sure it's a special birthday. Even Dad and Bobby call to talk to him. His friends get him gifts, and Jess takes him out to some restaurant she thinks he’ll like (which he does) the day before his birthday. The night of, they go to a club, sneak their own drinks in because they’re all too young to buy their own and have a good time. They’re walking back to Sam and Louise’s dorm when a man approaches them from behind.
Sam’s already on guard, because he was raised a hunter and that kind of instinct comes out when you’re absolutely shitfaced, but he starts to sober up when the man brandishes a gun and demands their money.
Sam’s motioning for his friends to backup, and they do because Sam Winchester is 6’4 and right now is the only one acting like he knows what he’s doing.
Sam walks right up to the mugger until the gun is pressing into his chest, and then he twists the man’s arm and punches him right in the nose, knocking him right out.
They call the police, and when they ask Sam what happens he says he doesn’t know and it must’ve been the adrenaline.
--------------
It's June and the school year ends in one week.
He and Jess are getting an apartment, and he couldn’t be more excited. He loves her a lot, and he can tell she feels the same way. She never pushes him to talk to her, just tells him that she’s here no matter what and she’s always ready to listen. She’s funny and smart and ambitious and he thinks every part of her is perfect.
They find a place together and move their stuff in and Sam can already tell that it’s going to feel like home. He keeps a picture of him and Dean by his bedside, and sometimes when he has a little bit too much to drink or he’s really tired he lets slip a story about him, Dean and Dad. Jess never mentions them the morning after he does, and Sam knows that she’s just happy to be there for him.
He thinks that maybe someday he’ll be ready to fly once more.
------------
It’s August now, and it’s been almost a year since Sam last saw Dean’s face.
He lets go of him, because he knows that’s what Dean would want, but he thinks about him often and more times than not he finds himself wondering what would’ve been different if he had just responded to Dean’s messages. Dad and Bobby each call him once a week, but something is different now. Dad tells him that he got a text from a blocked number detailing the night Mom was killed and revealing that the demon responsible for her murder is dead. They give details that not even Dad is aware of, but when he looks into them they make sense and he knows whoever is telling him this is telling the truth.
The person behind the screen doesn’t mention Dean.
Bobby is acting differently, too. He’s holding something back from Sam, but what that is he doesn’t know. He tries to ask at one point, but Bobby just brushes him off and continues to ask about how he and Jess are doing and how college life is treating him.
Cindy quit her job at the restaurant, and Sam feels bad about the stress she was under, but then he gets promoted and he’s happy to have the money. He starts saving money up, because they never found Dean’s car after he died and maybe if he has enough money he can find a private investigator to track it down. Dean cared too much about the impala for his own good and Sam feels bad knowing that it could be sitting somewhere wasting away.
He’s sitting at the kitchen table reading the latest newspaper when he hears a knock at the door. He isn’t expecting anyone, and Jess is still in class, so he’s hesitant to answer it at first. Curiosity gets the best of him and he goes to open it.
The face behind the door makes him think that maybe he feels like flying again.