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When the car speeds up, the air that pours in through the window Torao left open a crack makes Touma blink. The coolness of it feels soothing on his face and he straightens his neck to enjoy the sensation, the part of his head that had rested against the glass now reminding him that he had been in that position a little too long.
Their small live tour is over and it's gotten late. Four performances, four different cities. Each of them was amazing – except for that last one. Well, it was amazing as well, but it left a certain kind of bitterness on Touma's tongue. Not because something went wrong with their performance itself but because it smothered Haruka's spirit.
Live shows that feature multiple performers are always a challenge, especially for lesser known artists or those who have yet to gain an established fanbase. Touma knows that, he had been there before with NO_MAD. The audience isn't solely there for one artist and it's inevitable that some people will avert their faces when the stage is taken by anyone but the idols they came for.
Touma knows and he doesn't take it personally. But Haruka very much did. He was upset about large parts of the audience chatting with each other or checking their phones while their performance was on. The fans may not be aware but artists are very well able to see the audience from up above, even if it's just the front half of a venue.
Haruka was angry and somewhen during the process of changing, packing up and getting into the car to begin their journey home he became quieter by the minute. Touma is aware that Haruka's brain worked on full speed, searching for reasons why, searching for faults and flaws and soon that anger turned into sadness.
Touma lets his eyes wander. He briefly glances at the rear view mirror; Torao's eyes are firmly set on the road ahead. In the passenger seat to his left, Minami lets his fingers tap onto his thigh to the rhythm of the music of the radio.
He turns his head a tad more and glances at Haruka, next to him. Haruka's face rests in the palm of his hand, elbow propped onto the large box filled with their costumes that takes up one third of the backseat behind Minami.
Haruka's eyes are only halfway open and Touma guesses that it's both exhaustion and sadness weighing his eyelids down. His light irides follow the scenery outside, sometimes rushing from right to left, sometimes they unfocus and stay completely still. The only thing that remains the same is the spark the flickering lights outside provide to them and Touma feels a gasp bubble in his chest because Haruka is just that beautiful to him.
The wind softly sways his short mint hair, bangs messy by now and Touma feels the urge to reach out and touch him. It's always been like that. Whenever Haruka feels sad, whenever he cries, Touma's instincts tell him to touch Haruka. To keep him steady, to support him, to let him know that someone's there for him – that he doesn't have to suffer by himself anymore.
You're so strong, Haru, he wants to say, you're really amazing.
Touma gulps and his eyesight zooms in on Haruka's profile. They're passing through a bigger town and different lights of it illuminate Haruka in their colors.
The dazzling orange of the street lights pass in a flicker and make him shine, like a shooting star he beautifully lights up before he eclipses again.
The blinking green of the traffic light makes Haruka close and open his eyes to it's rhythm and every time his eyelashes meet the bottom ones, Touma itches to lean over and kiss him.
He wants Haruka to be happy, always. He wants him to smile, he wants to give all the things to Haruka he was forced to miss in his life before they met and at the same time protect him from all the sorrow to come.
Haruka is strong. Needlessly strong for someone his age. He has talent en masse and the willpower to break through walls; aside from all those honed skills he is also cute. And such a good person deep inside. Fragile, so damn fragile and soft, brash but so lovable.
And he chose to be with Touma. With Torao and Minami, to sing together with them.
Touma feels the magnitude of his love for Haruka swell like a balloon inside his chest and if he was any less controlled than he is he would shed tears to release that wonderful tension.
As warm as his heart is by now, his fingers are cold but he wants to touch Haruka nevertheless. His gaze drops downwards, watching his own left hand move from his lap and place itself next to Haruka's resting motionlessly on the seat between them.
Touma turns his face towards the window and jolts his pinky finger, nudging Haruka's in the course of it.
Haruka twitches at the touch, any thought that occupied his mind until then blown away immediately. He looks over to Touma, not too obvious, but still. But Touma apparently doesn't have anything to say, maybe that touch was an accident?
He realizes it wasn't and he presses his lips into a thin line as he witnesses Touma gnawing on the inside of his cheek briefly. Since when is Touma that cautious? He usually blurts out whatever comes to his mind, no matter how embarrassing it may be.
Embarrassing is what he deems it but it's still always exactly what Haruka wants to hear, what he needs to hear. How Touma manages to always find the fitting band-aid for his specific wounds is beyond him but it's all the more reason to love him. Because Haruka knows that Touma's words aren't empty flowers of speech, they are his genuine feelings.
Haruka supposes that his reactions to Touma's affection are sometimes a little too defensive in nature but he can't help it. He is simply not used to being handled with love, being put first, being cherished for who he is – for who he worked hard to become and still works hard to be. After all this time it's still overwhelming for Haruka on occasion and despite his feisty behavior he is grateful for all of it.
Even if his past trauma whispers to him on bad days, he knows that he can trust Touma. Haruka'd never say it out loud but he feels safe with him and he feels accepted. Looked at.
Being close to Touma makes him feel at ease and his touches calm him down – even without words, Touma is able to keep him grounded. He reminds Haruka constantly that he doesn't have to fight or endure painful things alone.
Though right now, Touma is not touching him properly. The magic of it not taking effect yet and Haruka's heart starts to beat faster. He doesn't want to appear needy by initiating physical contact; he knows his fear of showing vulnerability in front of Touma is completely pointless because Touma would never make fun of him, would never push him away. Still..
In search of anything that might lift or confirm his anxiety, Haruka looks at his face a little closer. The ever changing lighting from outside makes it impossible for Haruka to assess the color of Touma's face but it does seem to be slightly darker than usual.
Stale and artificial white light of a shop illuminates the inside of the car for two seconds, seconds that suffice to make Haruka's chest tighten at the sight of Touma's red eyes brighten up due to it. Touma has a rough appearance but his eyes are always gentle, at least whenever they are aimed at Haruka. And their color is vibrant, piercing, a flaming red that ignites a fire, a hotness underneath his skin as if he warms Haruka up from the inside just by looking at him.
Torao stops the car at a crossroad and the monotonous sound of the turning signal seems to get louder with every tick, drowning out every other sound around Haruka as he now watches Touma being dyed in the soft blue color of an electronic billboard. For some reason it gives Touma an even more calming aura and even more so when Touma closes his eyes and parts his lips slightly, a puff of air escaping him in the form of a soft sigh.
The need to be closer to him squeezes Haruka strongly and he finally gives in. He averts his face and presses his pinky finger against Touma's to make his intention clear. His heart jumps when he feels that Touma takes him up on it immediately and hooks his finger onto Haruka's.
“Haru.”
It's a whisper, so quiet Haruka would've missed it if he wasn't so focused. Touma that idiot, why is he talking to him now, of all times..
“We still got about an hour up ahead,”, Touma says quietly and Haruka feels his gaze on him, “if you're tired you can use my shoulder as a pillow and nap until we're back home.”
“I'm not a baby.”, Haruka grumbles and closes his eyes to regret his instinctive defensive demeanor once again.
“I know,”, Touma replies gently and Haruka can hear his smile, “but even grown-ups need to rest, y'know?”
Haruka's breath hitches when Touma separates their fingers to place his entire hand onto his, squeezing it.
Even though the lighting inside the car is inconsistent, he is able to see Haruka's face burn up. Instead of an answer, he watches Haruka look around, obviously checking whether Minami or Torao have overheard or noticed any of their interaction. They seemingly haven't and Touma tries to hold back a soft chuckle as Haruka leans over and rests his head on Touma's shoulder at last.
Unknown to the other, each of them fondly gazes at their overlapped hands. Haruka wiggles his fingers and closes his eyes with a wide smile on his lips as Touma moves his hand again until their fingers are intertwined.
Touma has just rested his cheek against Haruka's head when he suddenly feels watched. He looks up and his eyes meet Torao's in the rear-view mirror, his body tensing up. Torao's eyes narrow from a whimsical smile plastered on his face and much to Touma's horror, Torao removes his hand from the gear stick to nudge Minami's thigh.
Minami gives him a confused glare but his face softens when he follows the direction of Torao's jerk of the head. It's really not that embarrassing for Touma but...
“Fufu.”, Minami utters fondly and it induces exactly what Touma dreaded to happen: Haruka jolts and his first reaction to being found out is to flee the situation.
As a reflex, and in order to keep Haruka where he is, Touma holds Haruka's hand tighter and makes it impossible for him to pull away by pressing his torso into the backrest, locking him in place with his arm. A miserable but quiet, drawn-out groan of protest later, Haruka hides his face in the crook of Touma's neck and his trembling is more than noticeable.
Touma raises his other hand and gently nestles his palm against Haruka's cheek. It's a weak and rather useless attempt to provide Haruka shelter from the curious looks coming from the front seats but it does seem to help. At least a bit, because Haruka calms down again soon afterwards.
Though it's not due to the fact that his face can't be seen anymore, it's the touch of Touma's hand that, once again, steadies his churning emotions.
Haruka is not able to fully relax again, not until Torao's eyes are back to concentrate on the traffic up ahead and not until Minami returns to look outside his own window. He observes their doings, barely able to see past Touma's hand that covers almost his entire flushed face.
Torao suddenly proceeds to fumble with the radio and there is a short silence in the car before the very familiar sound of Zone of Overlap fills the air.
“Mido-san, I didn't know that you-”
“The CD was lying around in the van.”, Torao interrupts Minami hastily, embarrassment coating his voice, “I think the cover broke so the staff left it here.”
“I see.”, Minami chuckles, “But, if you are in need of our voices you could have just asked..”
Minami continues to tease Torao and their conversation drags out. Now that their attention is finally elsewhere, Haruka dares to shut his eyes again and relax. Touma notices right away and starts to pet Haruka for a while. When a content sigh reaches Touma's ears, a smile widens his lips and he lowers his arm to rest it in his own lap again.
Haruka's desire to be looked at when he's at his best while the desire to stay hidden from prying eyes when his insecurities shake him down to the core are both so real and Haruka would probably be upset to know that Touma very much adores both of these sides of him. He wants to boast about that Haruka to the world, the one that's fierce yet emotional, capable but still human.
"One day they'll look at you and then they'll see what I see..", Touma breathes, voicing his thoughts without noticing he's said them out loud.
Haruka squeezes his hand and snuggles a bit closer in response, the heat of his face crawling onto Touma's bare skin like a blanket of sweet warmth.
They stay like that for the remaining time of the car drive, unwilling to let go.
Unwilling to ever let go of each other again now that they have found someone they can lean on, someone they can truly trust. Someone that sees their true colors and loves them just the way they are.