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Hoseok knows he is going to end up on the floor by the end of the night. That’s the only thing he is sure about with how fast he’s drinking. The bartender is giving him pitiful glances, when she thinks he’s not looking. He’s very observant though, even when intoxicated. Sometimes he wishes he was less observant. It might have saved him the heartbreak. He brings his glass to his lips, it is the only thing his lips will touch tonight.
The alcohol has already tinted his cheeks red, and he feels a little light-headed. This is only his second glass. He feels miserable. They had been doing well, or so he thought. They loved each other. He doesn’t think that ever ended, but they screwed up. Jimin did. He himself probably did as well. There can’t be only one guilty in this situation. If Jimin felt the need to turn to his best friend and sleep with him when things got hard, Hoseok probably didn’t manage to provide the right kind of comfort. His skin prickles with the never-ending thoughts about where he went wrong.
He straightens and shakes his legs out, trying to snap himself out of it. Namjoon has been trying to tell him it’s not his fault. Jimin has been dealing with a lot of stuff he didn’t always tell Hoseok about and made a mistake trying to cope with everything. Multiple mistakes. Hoseok couldn’t have done anything; when someone doesn’t allow people to help them, there is no way to do so. Hoseok wants to believe him, but it’s so hard when he remembers Jimin’s torn up face as he confessed what he had done, what he had let happen multiple times. What Hoseok had been so afraid of ever since he started having his suspicions.
Maybe that’s the worst of it. Jimin didn’t sleep with Taehyung just once. He slept with him after they fought that one time, he slept with him after he fell during his dance recital, he slept with him when his anxiety got so bad that he couldn’t find the words to explain it. Hoseok puts his head in his hands as he remembers the tears that streamed down Jimin’s face as he said that he had slept with Taehyung the night before, because the guilt of everything consumed him.
At that point Hoseok snapped at him “How is doing the exact thing that is bringing you guilt going to make you feel any better?”, and he watched Jimin’s face crumple even further as he murmured an “I know, I’m sorry”. Now, he chugs the remaining drink before he can choke on a sob. He orders another drink.
“You should slow down, we have a policy of throwing bad drunks out.” The bartender murmurs to him. “This is a quiet bar, we like to keep it that way.”
Hoseok can tell she’s trying to be gentle, and he doesn’t know how he feels about it. This stranger is more concerned about him getting drunk than he is himself. He sighs and looks her in the eyes. She’s pretty, has a soft face and reminds him a bit of Namjoon, with all her unspoken gentle wisdom. He nods.
“I’ll go after this drink. Don’t worry.” She smiles at his answer and he sees some nervousness that he hasn’t noticed before leaving her shoulders.
It really is a quiet bar, he thinks. There is soft music playing in the background and the only other sounds he hears are people talking softly with each other. This is the kind of place he would have loved to come to with Jimin by his side. They would have enjoyed this.
He misses him. Oh, how he misses him.
It has only been a week since their break up, but it feels like he is suddenly missing a limb and has to relearn how to do everything. How to keep his own balance so he doesn’t topple over. Jimin used to be the one to keep an eye on him when they went out drinking with his friends, knowing that he can’t hold his alcohol well, that he doesn’t know how to pace himself.
One glass of a strong drink is enough to get him tipsy, two of a normal drink is enough to get his limbs too loose and his mind relaxed. Three is enough to get him drunk, especially when he doesn’t pace himself, like now. He already feels dizzy, a little out of control and he thinks his balance is way out of reach now. It feels like he is being pulled apart at the seams and he knows it will only take a couple moments more before his emotions and thoughts come spilling out, it’s better he leaves before that happens.
So, as soon as his refilled glass is placed in front of him, he brings it to his lips and takes a large sip. He can feel the eyes of the bartender on his skin, but he pays her no mind. He’ll be leaving after this, so he won’t bother her anymore. What he is doing is not healthy, it’s not an okay way of dealing with his break-up, he knows. The liquid is poison disguised in familiar sweetness.
But what else is he supposed to do? Wallow alone in his sadness? He used to go to Jimin when he was sad, and that is no longer an option. He could go to Namjoon, but he just can’t handle his gentleness right now. He wants his love, his Jimin. He doesn’t want anyone else.
Would it have hurt less, if they had fallen out of love?
He wonders about it. He wouldn’t have been betrayed that way, maybe they could have come to a mutual agreement to split up. Maybe they would have found ways to relight their flame. Or maybe they never were meant to be at all. In a few swallows, he finishes his drink, even though it was not even half empty yet.
He waves to the bartender, who eyes him a bit reluctantly and he offers her a smile and shows her his bank card to let her know he’ll be leaving. She smiles back and brings a pin device. They wrap up the payment without a word between them, just the knowledge that Hoseok will be leaving before he can cause an inconvenience.
But as he grabs his coat and makes to get out of the bar, she leans over the counter and says softly, “Take care.”, and it feels like more than just an obligatory goodbye. He nods at her and sends her another smile, a soft one. “I’ll try.” And he leaves.
-
The way home feels a lot longer than usual, which might be because Hoseok keeps having to take breaks when he feels too dizzy and he took a wrong turn somewhere. But he knows these streets well, so even via an alley he didn’t intend to walk across he knows his way home.
He has lived here for around four years now, two of which he shared the apartment with Jimin. Jimin, whose comfort he craves, and whose face he doesn’t want to see. Jimin, who is standing in front of his door, holding a sweater.
Hoseok freezes, and Jimin looks up from where he’s standing, having heard Hoseok approach. For a second his face lights up, before it loses its emotion again and Hoseok can feel his heart sinking to his feet, his chest no longer strong enough to carry such a heavy weight.
The silence between them carries on for a moment longer, as both of them seem to be at a loss for words. Hoseok wants to know what Jimin is doing here, but he feels like he has lost the ability to speak. Jimin is just looking at him, with a look on his face eerily similar to something like loss. Hoseok doesn’t know if it makes him angry or if it breaks the remaining pieces of his heart.
“Hey,” Jimin says, in that soft, honey-laced voice of his that has the power to make Hoseok melt like wax and leaves him defenseless. It feels weird, being greeted by Jimin like this. For a week they didn’t talk, text or even send messages through friends. Radio silence, to give each other space, and now here he is, talking to him in front of his apartment. “I know you probably didn’t expect me to show up here, but I called Namjoon and he said he thought you had gone out and he didn’t want to play messenger for me, so here I am.”
Hoseok still doesn’t know what to say, he is starting to wonder if he can make his vocal cords make any sound at all. He thinks Jimin is expecting him to say something, but what could he possibly say in this situation. Sensing his reluctance to speak, Jimin casts his eyes down, towards the sweater in his hands.
“I wanted to bring this back to you, it’s the Chanel sweater you bought in Paris, when you first started to earn big money with your designs. I remember how happy you were when your collection started gaining a lot of attention. I always saw this sweater of a token of your success, and then you gave it to me.” Hoseok wants Jimin to stop, wants him to continue, wants the way Jimin is speaking to him to be the only thing he’ll ever hear. But then again, it has him wishing he was gone. “But it’s yours, it always was, so I’m giving it back. So it can be a token of success and good luck once again.”
Hoseok stares at him and Jimin tries for a smile, but it turns watery and slips from his face. Jimin always tries to soften difficult things with a smile, but sometimes it just doesn’t work. Hoseok’s eyes drop to the sweater, and then to the floor, as if they follow the fallen smile. Then the situation makes him dizzy, or maybe it’s the alcohol, and he has to lean against the wall and close his eyes. It’s too much, this is too much. He loves Jimin, misses him like crazy, and he can’t stand to see him right now. It hurts.
“Are you okay? Have you been drinking?” If he opens his eyes now, he’ll see Jimin looking at him with concern, he doesn’t want that. He keeps his eyes closed. Maybe Jimin is reaching out to him, but doesn’t think he’s allowed to touch him and draws back his hand. Hoseok thinks he would be right.
“I’m fine.” Hoseok says, it’s unconvincing to both of them, but what does that matter. Jimin has lost the privilege to care and Hoseok has lost the comfort of Jimin. They’ve lost each other. He thinks back to the bar, the calming atmosphere and the bartender. He doesn’t know why he says it, but the next words that leave his lips are the ones he had been thinking about back there. “You would have liked the place.”
Jimin makes a hurt noise that Hoseok can feel in his bones.
The silence settles back in between them, because what is there to say to that? They had something, something so good, and now it’s gone. They both know, and they’re left with the remains of their feelings and what they used to be.
“I- uh, I’m going to get therapy. For my anxiety. And issues.” Jimin says and Hoseok opens his eyes. Jimin is looking at the floor and his hands are fidgeting with the sweater. Hoseok can tell he doesn’t find this easy to talk about. “Please don’t think any of this was ever your fault, it really wasn’t. I couldn’t deal with the expectations of dance school, my family and a relationship, even though I know you never put unfair expectations on me. I let everything get to me and then all of it and my anxiety just weighted me down. And I know it doesn’t excuse my actions, I’m not trying to excuse it, but I don’t want you to blame yourself, ‘cause I-, I still-, I never-“
“Please don’t.” Hoseok says, he wants to squeeze his eyes shut again, but that would force tears out and he doesn’t want to cry right now. “Please, don’t say it. I know you do, I do too, it doesn’t just go away. But, I don’t want to hear you say it. Don’t make it harder than it already is for us both.”
“I ruined us.” Hoseok can hear the tears in Jimin’s voice
“Yes, you did.”
“I am so, so sorry, Hoseok.” Jimin manages to say through a closed-up throat, and Hoseok’s breath gets stuck on the way he says his name. It used to sound so good, coming from Jimin’s voice. Now it’s just bittersweet and filled with hurt. And still, he wants to hear Jimin saying his name more, yet he wants to never hear him say it again.
After taking a shuddering breath he says, “I don’t need the sweater, Jimin. I gave it to you with the intention of letting you keep it forever, so keep it. I’ll get myself a new one.”
While Hoseok is doing his best to keep his tears at bay, Jimin finally lets them go. He watches as a first fat tear drops down his cheek and leaves a track for the rest to follow. Jimin nods wordlessly and clutches the sweater to his chest.
Jimin takes a step back and he knows this is the ending, their final moment like this. The entire situation feels like a huge contradiction. There is so much love between them, yet they can’t be together any longer. Being apart will be better, but they’ll miss each other.
“Good luck, Hobi”
Hoseok tries for a smile. “You too, Jimin-ah.”
It’s as close to an ‘I love you’ as they dare to get, as close as they allow each other to, and it is enough.
Jimin nods, and slowly turns around to walk away, pausing after a few steps, as if he wants to say something else, or maybe he doesn’t want to leave, but he does and he continues walking until he rounds the corner and the last thing Hoseok sees is how he raises a hand to his face to stifle a sob and it feels like the remains of his own walls are crumbling.
He clumsily pulls his keys from his pocket and fumbles to open the door. He has just enough dignity left to not break down in the hallway, but as soon as he is on the other side of the door and has closed it behind him, he leans against it and slides down to the floor.
The tears start streaming down his face and he does nothing to stop it, he doesn’t even try to prevent the sobs from escaping his body. It feels like the alcohol has left his body, but in its place is sadness, taking hold of him.
He’s alone now, and it’s better like this. He’ll learn to move on, how to be without Jimin. But until that time, he’ll love him. And god, he’ll miss him.