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“How long has it been?”
“Seven years.”
“Wow, you’ve changed a lot.”
Soobin tries to change the subject. "So I heard from Jungkook-hyung about what you've been doing these past seven years."
"Who?"
"Jungkook-hyung. Jeon Jungkook. You know."
"Oh! Jungkookie!” His eyes lit up like there’s a burst of little stars in them. “I heard Taehyun mention him a couple of times. Though he makes this really funny face when he does."
Soobin snorts. “Of course he does.”
Huening goes on without noticing. “I think he loves him!”
Soobin can tell. The unspoken feelings of pride and gratitude are shining from Huening's eyes. But that’s not why he came for.
"It must have been lonely, those seven years."
Soobin stops right there and there is an extended hiatus. He holds his breath as Huening takes his time to answer, refusing to meet Soobin's eyes.
"Mmm." he says after a while. “It’s kind of lonely.”
Soobin holds an apology on his tongue.
"But it’s fine! I’m fine. It’s not that lonely because—” Soobin pretends that he hasn't noticed the way Huening’s eyes turn a bit glassy. “At night, I liked to talk to Junie-hyung."
Before Soobin's mind can even register any sense of grief, Huening pulls him close and points up to the sky.
"See? That one.” Huening smiles softly. “Cause Yeonjunie likes to stand out."
The Northern Star, huh.
Soobin clenches his fist. He can feel the heat simmer just below his skin, ready to burst into tears at any moment. He turns to Huening, suddenly filled with a rare sense of romanticism.
"If hyung is the stars, then you're the sun,” he says gently like he’s talking to a child version of Huening with his short height and small, little smile. “You never stop shining brightly, never stop bringing warmth to everyone around you."
Huening blinks. "W-Well then, Soobinie can become the moon! But wait." he scans the sky that blanketed them from every direction. "Where'd it go?"
Soobin looks around too, but he also can’t find any glimpse of it. He smiles bitterly. It suits him well, doesn’t it? Because he’s not always there for Huening unlike the stars do.
"Ah, whatever." Huening crosses his arms behind his head and falls back onto his chair. "You see, Taehyunie told me once that… what was it again? That the moon's not actually shiny. It shines because of some mystery thing."
"Oh? Is that so..." Soobin digs around in his mind, trying to say something decent. "Could it be…you mean that the moon doesn't shine by itself?"
Huening tilts his head with a pout, testing the words for their rightness. Soobin clears his throat.
"Because… because it reflects the light of the sun?"
"That's it!" Huening catapults himself toward Soobin, just like an echo of the once-eager twelve-year-old. "It's something about the sun!"
And it’s just like old times, when Soobin would patiently try to break down the mysteries of the universe for his one-man audience. He clears his throat. "Well, what happens is the Sun sends off 'mystery beams' that you can't see, and makes the Moon shiny and bright."
It’s all bullshit, but 'Mystery' has always been Soobin's to-go phrase when he doesn't have any proper explanation to say. It’s one of the rare times that he wishes he'd studied harder. Not for his parents; never for them. Only for his little best friend, who thinks he has all the answers in the world.
"So that's what happens! Taehyunie said something about mirrors and reflection. It’s too complicated."
"Reflection, huh," Soobin grins.
"So that's it," Huening repeats under his breath. "Even when I couldn't see Soobin, Soobin was off glowing someplace else. And you said I'll never stop shining, right? Then no matter where I go, Soobin will always be glowing too!"
Huening wrinkles his nose with worry when his eyes start to water.
"Soobinie, you're crying a lot today." he pouts.
"I'm not crying!” he jests, trying to brush it off like it’s nothing. “It's just my hay fever."
Huening swivels his head left and right. "But there's no hay."
"It means there are mystery things in the air that make me sneeze. I'll be fine in a moment." Which would have been an adequate explanation for Huening, but after a good few minutes, Soobin still can't manage to make his tears stop. If anything, they are getting worse.
"Soobinie-hyung." Huening roughly bumps their shoulders together. "What's wrong?"
"I'm sorry," Soobin whispers.
Huening looks utterly baffled. "For what?"
"If only I had been there, then maybe things would have been different."
"…But you weren't. So stop thinking about it."
“That’s the problem, I can’t!” Soobin says, hysteric. “It's been seven years, but it still keeps me up at night! If only I hadn't run away from home. I only I was there when both of you were attacked then Junie…”
Soobin finds himself revisiting his self-despising thoughts, approaching the edge of a nervous breakdown. But this time, it only takes a quiet, clear voice to bring him back to the present.
"If only I had been just a little stronger."
He looks up.
"If only I had just gotten out of the way."
Soobin catches a glimpse of seven years of suppressed grief before Huening tilts his head down and his shoulders start shaking. Just when had this little crybaby turned into someone who could hold back his tears like that?
“If only… that’s a nice phrase, isn’t it? But it would never bring Junie back.”
Soobin's arms automatically reach out to give Huening a hug. He wishes he could have been there for him but no, he just had to be a selfish prick who couldn’t handle a little bit of grief.
He drops his arms.
Idiot, Soobin curses at himself. This is not a time for wallowing in regrets. Not when Huening is right in front of him, after so long. This is a time to realize that there’s still something important left. He swiftly pulls off something out of his pocket.
Huening stops wiping his face with his arm when he sees the flicker of silver in Soobin's palms. “That’s...."
"Told you I'd get it," Soobin smiles halfheartedly.
Huening nods, then bursts into fresh tears. Soobin immediately puts down the little thing away, wondering how his attempt to cheer Huening up has failed so miserably.
"Soobin." Huening whispers his name out between gasps. "The last thing he said… was that if it weren't for us, he wouldn't have even wanted to live." The younger pulls on Soobin's jacket like it’s the only thing holding him together from breaking into pieces. "He said… thank you, for being the best little brothers he could ever hope for.”
And that is his last straw. Soobin can't take it anymore. He closes his arms around Huening in a death grip, feeling thin but equally powerful arms encircle his back. He can hear a raw wail ripping through his throat, trembling through his entire body and blocking out the rest of the world. In the back of his mind, he’s glad that Huening is no longer that small baby with a fragile body and thin frame because any other person would have been crushed to pieces within his grief-tensed hands.
Soobin cries, and he keeps crying even after minutes pass. In the midst of his despair, he can feel Yeonjun's presence simmering through his veins like a fever. He pulls Huening closer, pressing as much of his warmth as he can into the embrace.
I’m sorry, Junie. You protected him, just like I asked you to, even though it cost you your life.
And Soobin finally lets go of all the hypotheticals he has and the wishes for a different reality, consoling himself with the solid weight of Huening in his arms, swearing to never let go. Never again.
Now it's my turn.