Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Tom wished he could have saved Jerry long before he'd been broken. Taking him off the starving streets was a set in the right direction but it didn't make up for the years he'd chased him away.

Tom wanted to help, but he knew he could never save anyone from what he had already done. Jerry needed him, but not this way. The words weren't his own; they were the ones Jerry had already spoken to Tom. "I wish you had saved me."

This wasn't Tom's fault. He swore he didn't do it. It was a lie as soon as it reached his tongue and he could never speak it through.

What's was left now? What needed to be done now? Was there ever a way of moving on from..?

Jerry had become a thief out of necessity. Stolen food was nothing like what could come from lack of it.

Tom didn't know until it was too late to save Jerry. He tried to get Jerry to understand what happened from his point of view, but his old friend wouldn't listen, or didn't believe him. Not without talks into all hours of the night.

So the story of their mistaken rivalry ends. You move on. Move forward. Live. Move on and look forward to a better lie.

Tom was not a liar. Because the only thing Jerry needs is someone to take responsibility for him.

Protect him. Make him feel safe for once in his life. For the rest of his life. To make him feel that he doesn't have to worry about his mistakes about food. Tom had never been like that. Never had to worry about a damn thing. But for Jerry he would put aside his selfish desires. And he would also be willing to give everything up, because he wanted to be happy and to have what he wanted. He wanted to be a good man.

Tom hoped Jerry saw that.

And then in late summer, months after they'd reunited, he realized that Jerry was still there. Not that the streets seemed preferable to the living room couch, but it was such a sign of trust that Tom wanted to cry.

This time he'd never do anything to hurt him again. Nothing, absolutely nothing.

Tom had spent a lot of time reading about what he should say to Jerry. Perpectuves to help him understand that Jerry trusted him enough to give him a chance at being there for him when he needs it. "Be there. It's because of him that you're now a good man and you've found peace." And that was it. The two could do this without any fear. So, they could live their lives together. Tom would be there when Jerry needed it.

And he would watch Jerry and smile when he'd show that he trusted Tom. The way he would lean in sometimes while they talked. Asking to watch certain shows that just didn't appeal to Tom. Fill up the cart with his own things while they grocery shopped. And he would wait for the next time he was lucky enough to catch Jerry's own smile.

"I think I love you, Tom." Jerry would sometimes say, but Tom never believed him. It was a lie to cover up the close living arrangements.

"You'll never love me, Jerry. You'll never love me." Tom would laugh, the words never reaching past his ears.

That night Tom waited for Jerry to craw into bed with him, but he didn't want to touch him. He waited too long, but Jerry didn't want him to wait any longer. With only minor prompting, Tom would kiss Jerry for hours. "Tom, this is love." Jerry would say when they stopped to breath, but Tom wouldn't believe him. Jerry would kiss him, and Tom would smile into it.

Jerry would smile too and it would always feel like an embrace. "I could never love you." Tom would say, guilty, feeling like he's taken advantage of a situation he created. Jerry would whisper in Tom's ear. "I love you too." Tom would say, but Jerry would never believe him either. He'd just stop talking.

"What do you want me to do?" Tom would ask after one of the long nights long after Jerry had fallen asleep. Tom had to admit, he had no idea what Jerry was waiting for with him.

Tom took a few deep breaths and relaxed again. He felt his heart beat faster and his stomach twisting. In the silence before him, Tom thought about how little he knew about Jerry. He realized he didn't know where he was going with these feelings He felt a sharp and familiar pain in his chest as if he had broken ribs. Tom relaxed again, and the sharp pain in his chest vanished. He reached his arm to the side and picked Jerry up and closer to him. Jerry blinked half-awake and stared at Tom. Tom pulled back slowly. "Jerry," he whispered.

"Tom...?"

"Is this how you feel?" The words were soft. Tom felt warm against the tenderness of Jerry's body, made of soft skin and even softer hair. Tom moved Jerry closer to him. Jerry shook his head. Tom looked at him again, listening. He knew what he was going to say. "I feel." He spoke his words with such confidence for someone only barely awake. "I'm a person. I'm not a toy." Jerry had to look away.

Tom felt his heart beating faster.

"You're not a toy, Jerry," he answered. "No. You're my friend. We were always friends, weren't we? I just" Tom pulled Jerry somehow even closer to his body and gently mumbled, "I want you to be my friend. You're my best friend. You're my life. You're my purpose." Jerry stared at Tom for a second, but he felt this soft, loving grip. "Jerry," Tom's voice was still gentle.

"I thought we went into this because you were scared of me leaving?"

Oh...

At that, Tom leaned down and kissed Jerry's cheek. A second later their mouths pressed together in another kiss, finished as quickly as it started when Jerry pulled away.

"You just don't know how sad and broken I really am." From the moon coming in through the window, Tom could see Jerry's eyes were wet.

Jerry could remember the rough kiss he gave him that day in their youth, and the way they'd returned to the same game of cat and mouse despite what could have changed that day. Could they ever really change now?

"Do you ever want me to leave?" Jerry asked, hopping Tom would break his silence.

"No, I don't." Tom replied, still staring at Jerry with pitiful eyes.

"You're so... so good...why...??.." Jerry was struggling to hold back tears, but finally his face twisted with emotion as he sobbed into the fingers of his left hand.

Tom held back his own tears. He was truly to blame for thjs He had made an honest mistake in his youth and there was no fixing that through simple kisses. He'd been so blind to the true horror of poverty, and for someone to grow up like that when he'd been so privileged was what broke him too. "What do you want?"

"Well... I told you I loved you, didn't I?

"I love you too, I didn't mean to make you this way. I'm sorry."

"You don't have to apologize anymore, Tom. I won't. This life is so much better than mine. The food we have is the food we need. We're not the people we were before and I'm happy this way I swear" Jerry replied, tears now streaming down his face. "Right now, I just want to sleep."

Tom agreed. He felt so very tired. He knew he was far from happy, but he never wanted to leave this bed. He wanted Jerry to remain. With the words they needed to say spoken, they fell asleep in each other's arms.

Chapter Text

"Jerry could easily ruin you." Spike warned Tom darkly.

"He will not." Tom snorted, tipping the glass of wine up towards his shaking lips. It was all a dream, and nothing more. He had suffered over twenty years and had the right to dream now. He was forty-nine now; middle-aged. He didn't have the heart of a foolish man out only to win the heart of someone more in love with his money.

Spike shook his head as he stared. "You sure about that?" His voice was laced with all the concern he'd held for his half-brother since that day twenty-five years ago when Jerry Mouse had brought him back to him, talking in a whisper about a train and a near loss of life.

Tom's eyes were full of tears and he was trembling. "I thought we were good. I thought we agreed that the past is the past and we can stop talking about...the train." Tom gave Spike a sad smile and Spike smiled back, trying to encourage the lessening of tears. "I love you Spike. We haven't always been the best of brothers but you...you're the best I could have asked for."

Tom took another sip of his drink and continued on his monologue. "We can't change now. I've got to take care of Jerry. And you have to live your life." Spike was over a decade older, with an adult son and no doubt further expansions to the family on the way. Tom saw no reason that Spike should linger so much on the past.

Tom was going to have to admit that the most important thing for him to do now was to spend more time with Spike. It would be much easier on them both. Tom wasn't sure how to feel about the idea of becoming friends with his brother. For once in his life Tom believed his brother should have his own back. However he hadn't had to grow up around violence.

Tom was in a world where every situation was dangerous and often deadly. Spike had seen so little violence.

"Jerry's always been a bit of a bad influence, but if he knew I was having a hard time..." The cup's rim danced on his lips but the bitter liquid didn't reach his mouth. "Sometimes he thinks we should never talk about anything but the train incident. I think he's just trying to stop us from talking about who we are or where we come from. But it doesn't help us any."

"He's not a bad influence, really. I think it's been a real good thing for us as long as you don't let his presence drag you down." Spike felt Tom's eyes turn bright at him. Tom had started to relax. Spike felt relieved, and his own shoulders lost some tension.

Spike stood up. "So tell me, Tom. What happened and why did you do it?"

Tom put down his cup. "...Jerry and I kiss...a lot. I think I love him and I know he loves me, but it feels so...wrong." Tom began to lean back into the seat. "And I just wanted to give myself a chance to change for a day. Now I don't feel like I'm allowed to ask for it in the real world. Just a chance to get away for a day. It's just as I wanted it to be. Just like in my dreams." He smiled softly. "That would be nice, if it meant I wouldn't have to live every day like it was always wrong." Tom looked away slightly.

"I suppose you're right. But as we've told you, you're not always right." Spike pointed out. "So what did Jerry do to earn the love you so desperately desire? Is it love of his own accord? Is it something else?" Tom was startled.

It was Spike's turn to monologue. "The last time you saw him before pulling him off the streets was the train incident. Are you fully prepared to embrace that part of your relationship? I know it seems strange for you to embrace that part of your relationship as well, but if it can help you get past what could have been the last night of your lives...well, I guess that's a plus." Tom was surprised at how angry Spike seemed. No, not anger. Worried. "Please, just listen to what I've said, and go from there."

Tom nodded, and put down the glass, half empty, but no longer as deeply needed.

Chapter Text

Stealing was a way of life. A way of continuing on. When Jerry had been young, stealing had been for himself, and for Tuffy. It was hard on his own wellbeing raising his nephew when he'd been so young then too. Yet it had been worth it. Tuffy was off now, somewhere, so Jerry had no one but himself to care about. They didn't usually have the means to stay in contact when Jerry had never had a permanent address to send letters to, nor a phone to call. But now he had Tom's phone. He wondered if Tuffy's number was still the same since he'd managed to track down the coins and a payphone to use them in.

His fingers traced the screen of the cellphone, the lockscreen still holding in place. Jerry wanted to call his nephew but even while he could see the simple pattern in fingerprints on the screen that could easily aid in figuring out the motion needed to unlock the phone, he didn't want to betray Tom's trust. Tom was asleep in the bed beside him.

Jerry knew all he had to do was ask, and yet he wondered if that would make or break this fragile love they had built. If Jerry asked for something so personal, so removed from Tom, would Tom show true colors and tell him off? Show that the angry boy who he grew up being chased by was in fact the true face of this man and not a figment of both their imaginations?

He only stole because Tom's family had more than enough money and food to go around. Tom only chased him because his parents told it him it was wrong that Jerry didn't want to starve to death just because he had been born into a family with far less money. Jerry's sister moved onto far greater things herself, even leaving behind her son to do it, and nobody had blamed her for her choices.

Even with how much he did miss her too, he didn't have his sister Geraldine's number. There was a chance Tuffy had found it in the months since they'd last talked, searching for a mother that never came back for him, but Jerry couldn't say. Couldn't say until he either woke up Tom to ask to use his phone, used it without asking, or waited until later in the morning when his nerve to call Tuffy could be ended.

Tom slept a lot. Usually well into the afternoon some days, although Jerry's presence seemed to inspire pre-noon wake ups lately. Tom would stumble into the kitchen at ten thirty and pour into a large mug from an hours old pot of coffee like it was a lifeline and then the very next hour be right as rain and ready to do anything. Jerry prefered only a small cup of coffee in the morning so there was always plenty left.

His own first cup of coffee had come shortly after Tom's. After a long night of chasing each other through Tom's far too big house, Jerry had stubbornly returned thinking that Tom would be too tired to chase him. He'd been half right. He'd entered the kitchen and Tom was there grimacing over a steaming mug. He'd pushed another freshly poured cup towards Jerry and they'd just drank in silence until the caffeine kicked in and they chased each other around until the crash and ended up falling asleep together in Tom's bed.

Jerry regretted sometimes that he didn't take advantage of Tom's more tender moments when they were young. But he'd seen only an enemy, and Tom saw only a threat. Jerry wondered sometimes what their lives could have been if they'd just accepted that neither would hurt the other if they just let love in. If those moments had been followed up on. Their first words to each other, their first kiss, the time Tom had a party while his parents and brother were away and after Tom and Jerry had been fighting over the noise until Butch had slipped them spiked drinks. They'd ended up dancing together instead of fighting, a tangle of limbs and feet and music that Jerry could hum even now.

They could have been so much more when they were younger. Now they were men near fifty and it was never going to be the same as it could have been. Marriage would have been impossible for nearly all of what could have been, but they could have been comfortable, hiding under the radar and allowed to raise Tuffy together because Jerry had the proof that Tuffy was his nephew and that his sister was unfit to raise him. Jerry wouldn't have had to be a thief any longer. It felt decades too late, this new normal, but Jerry didn't want to waste this second chance.

Rolling back over in bed, Jerry cuddled up to Tom and reached over and placed the phone back on the nightstand.

Later morning, over coffee and soft kisses, Jerry would ask for the phone properly. With that resolve, even as sunlight started to flitter through the bedroom window curtains, Jerry fell back asleep next to the love of his life.

Chapter Text

Jerry hadn't wanted to think what bleak thoughts were running around his sister's head when she thought her son would be safer with Jerry, than wherever she was running off to. The little baby fussed and shivered constantly and never more than ever did Jerry wish if he couldn't afford a house, an apartment, something in his name. At the very least a better insulated building to hide away the winter in would be ideal.

It was fall, and the chill was in the air, and there was only so much body heat Jerry could share with Tuffy when he was already feeling the cold himself.

Tucking in Tuffy's swaddled blanket and wrapping the larger blanket around them both, Jerry weighed his options. He was fifteen, alone with a baby. No food. No job. Alone.

Homeless shelters usually cost money, or were filled up too quickly no matter how quickly Jerry raced to get a spot. Some didn't like children in the space, further complicating Tuffy's precense. He was considerate Tuffy would be better off abandoned with the state, but he'd heard all sorts of horror stories of the foster system from fellow homeless people who had run from it.

Tuffy was cold with him, in danger, but Jerry knew he was safest in his arms.

The little baby was mumbling, and then snuggled into Jerry's arms. Some of the shivering was subsiding, and Tuffy snuffled and then wiggled to have access to Jerry's hair. He began chewing on the hair, and Jerry knew exactly what that meant.

"Hungry, Nibbles?" Jerry asked his nephew fondly, lightly resting his head on top of Tuffy's. He didn't know how to tell the baby that there was no food. There was no money to buy any food or any more formula. "I am too..."

His stomach growled but Tuffy's hunger was more important. There was one place for him to get food, but the Cat family didn't keep formula around. Jerry in turn hated stealing money.

Jerry considered the idea of introducing Tuffy to crushed food a bit early, sure he could find at least a banana in the Cats' kitchen to mush up, when another thought occured to him. Tom hated when Jerry stole from the kitchen even when they had plenty to go around. Tom would do anything to stop Jerry.

Would he pay for Tuffy's formula if it kept Jerry out of his kitchen? Jerry stood up shakily, tucking Tuffy close to his chest. It was very low a chance, but there was little harm in asking.

The consequences of not trying anything were far bleaker than he wanted to imagine.

Chapter Text

The streets were cold and Jerry felt unwelcome in this cold as much as he was unwelcome at home. Not that there was a home to return to anymore. No place to be except a few more blocks up. Tuffy had started to sniffle five minutes before and Jerry knew time was of the essence. He didn't want his nephew to die because he couldn't keep a steady pace in the snow.

It was really starting to come down, and Jerry himself started to shiver again. Snowflakes hit his face like little pinches across his skin. Movement helped the rest of his body but only so much. He passed by a doctor's office he occasionally frequented, and recalled this time last year he had been there to get treatment for frostbite. The doctor there was a doctor of the mind, but his wife was a nurse and would treat the homeless population when she happened to pop by her husband's office. Jerry considered stopping by there, asking them if they had access to formula but it seemed pointless and if he stopped now he would-

The front door to the doctor's office opened up with a sharp crunch against the snow on the step. "Jerry? Is that you!? Come in here before you freeze!"

Jerry stopped walking at the sound of the concerned voice, and stared down one of the doctor's adoptive children. He and the boy were friends and Jerry felt a little guilty he hadn't come this way sooner. "Sorry, I'm a bit busy...not freezing." Jerry said to the frantic boy, and cuddled Tuffy to his chest tighter but not tight enough to squish the fragile form of his nephew. His young friend's eyes went to Tuffy and he gasped. Jerry tried to hide Tuffy deeper his jacket, a bit embarrassed and afraid to admit he was no longer alone on the streets.

Jerry dared to consider the idea of going in. But that would be temporarily. And Tom's mansion wasn't too far ahead. If he went inside he might lose his nerve to ask Tom for help. The doctor or his wife may be able to provide food for Tuffy once, but the needs of a baby far exceeded the charity they could give when more than just Jerry needed help. They also had their own three kids to provide for.

Tom Cat meanwhile had more money than he or his family would ever spend on their own needs in a lifetime. They were selfish and greedy and cruel. Tom barely above them in terms of decency. Spike was even better, often trying to keep the peace between he and Tom, but he was an adult and adults could not usually be trusted with more than brief thought. Jerry didn't even fully trust the doctor and nurse even as they usually were the better sort of adults.

They might even try taking Tuffy away.

Jerry flashed his young friend a smile. "I'll swing by after I'm done seeing Tom. He and I have some...something to discuss." Jerry shifted Tuffy in his arms, and let his friend catch a better glimpse of the fussy baby. The younger boy cracked a smile.

"Oh." With that tone alone, Jerry knew his friend had either accidentally or on purpose misread the context. "Goodnight everybody!" He waved at no person, laughing to himself. "Good luck with that, Jer. I'll tell the sibs you'll be over." And with that the boy closed the door and Jerry once again felt an emptiness. The void was here to stay, and there was nothing left to lose. The empty, cold, hour of reckoning filled him with a sense of dread. 

Putting him in one arm, Jerry cupped Tuffy's cold cheeks, not liking how red they were. Whoever Tuffy's father was, he took after his complexion. Jerry could see his faults in every shade of red in Tuffy's light face. He was a pale baby already, but he was getting too pale. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. We're almost there." 

Jerry started running against the storm. 

Chapter Text

Living with Tom had it's downsides, and its freedoms. An actual roof over his head was nice, but the honeymoon stage was starting to wear off. Tom and Jerry had different sleeping schedules. Tom snored so loudly that Jerry often retreated back to the couch to get away from it all. Jerry still had a lot of energy while Tom had started his grumpy old man era.

All that didn't matter now though. Jerry paced in circles in the living room, wondering when Tom would get home. Tom worked as a private detective, his talent in chasing leading to a very good career in tracking down cheaters. Jerry couldn't easily work, with a criminal record longer then his mama would have wanted for him, so he was grateful Tom was willing to put in more working hours so he could more slowly adjust to living again. The downside was that it was taking longer then Jerry would have liked to tell him some important news.

It was good news. Very good news. Jerry had been pacing ever since the text had come over on Tom's personal phone. Tom left his cellphone at home whenever he was on a case just in case he needed to get a hold of Jerry through his work phone, as they had yet to get Jerry a phone of his own and Tom didn't have a home phone.

Tuffy would be coming here tomorrow. His nephew had found time off work. He was coming-

Was this home?

Jerry paused his circle around the living room.

Was Tom's house home or just another place to be for a few months? Jerry hadn't had a home in years. He'd had roofs over his head, places to stay, but home was a foreign concept to him.

Was this place home because he loved Tom? Did that make it enough of a home? Was home spending time watching television, dancing in the kitchen when they should have been watching the stove. Was it home merely because Tom had let him live here and that was enough?

God it was so confusing.

It wasn't an uphappy life, so did that make it home? Did the house make it a home or was Tom 'home'?

Jerry wasn't used to thinking in such poetic ways. Up until Tom had literally dragged him off the streets and pushed him into his bathroom to wash up a few months ago he hadn't had to think about much aside from who to con and where his next meal would come from.

But that sounded right. Yes, this was home. It was home, because Jerry had Tom.