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Nights are the hardest for Ritsuka. But not because of the piercing December cold, or the sleeping Kedama cuddled up against his side in an uncomfortable (but too cute to resist) manner. It’s because Mafuyu, his boyfriend, keeps whispering the name of his late ex-boyfriend in his sleep, while he hugs Ritsuka’s back.
It happens more in winters than at any other time. Probably because it was around this time that incident occurred. Ritsuka has been understanding. He understands that the wound is still fresh. He understands that it will take a lot of time for that gaping hole to close up. He even understands that Yuki might not ever leave Mafuyu’s life completely. He gets it. But what is he going to do about the pain he feels in his chest when he hears Mafuyu whisper Yuki’s name while sleeping so lovingly on his chest? What is he going to do about the ugly feelings that take over him in those moments? He hates those feelings, but at the same time, he thinks it’s only natural to feel like this? Isn’t it?
“Yu.. ki… Don’t leave… me…” Mafuyu whimpers, clutching Ritsuka’s sleep shirt tightly in his fist. He can’t sleep like this so he tries to focus on Mafuyu’s face. It’s too dark to see. It’s the middle of the night after all. But he can still somewhat trace Mafuyu’s features in the subtle moonlight seeping through the window.
Mafuyu doesn’t look comfortable, but he doesn’t look particularly distressed either. His lips were quivering and he was sweating a bit too, despite it being winter. Ritsuka wonders if he's calling Yuki out of love or out of desperation— if it’s even a good dream or a nightmare. A small part of Ritsuka hopes it’s a good dream, no matter how much it kills him to imagine Mafuyu with any other man. But he doesn’t want to see Mafuyu in pain, dream or not. He only wants good things for him.
“Don’t… go… Come back…” He whimpers again, snuggling even closer to Ritsuka, dragging the tip of his nose against his neck with gentle pressure.
Ritsuka almost believes that Mafuyu thinks he’s hugging Yuki instead of him. Almost— because he doesn’t want to lose so easily.
“Hey…” Ritsuka laces his fingers in those auburn locks, wanting to wake Mafuyu up, to relieve him of whatever dream he was seeing. But for some reason when he opened his mouth, nothing came out. Mafuyu only buried his head deeper into the crook of Ritsuka’s neck, clutching his clothes tighter in his little fist.
“No… I won’t... let you go…” Mafuyu croaked. Ritsuka shut his eyes to stop the tears from welling up and falling from his eyes.
He never knew he could feel so much for someone. He always thought he was the aloof type, not really caring much about things like love and relationships. But he never expected someone like Mafuyu to break that delusion. Mafuyu had defiled him, made him feel like a mess— and he did it ever so innocently, it almost felt evil. Ever since Ritsuka met him, his emotions have been all over the place. Mafuyu is dangerous, he agrees, but he’s the kind of danger that Ritsuka is addicted to.
So he stays quiet. He lets Mafuyu think he’s with his first love instead of him. He lets Yuki take over Mafuyu’s dreams. It pains him, it pains him so much. Every time Yuki’s name slips from Mafuyu’s mouth, Ritsuka feels like he’s been stabbed in the heart with an unsharp knife. But he understands, and he believes that one day— maybe one day— Mafuyu will stop calling for Yuki in his sleep and dream of him instead.
>
“Shouldn’t you talk to him about this?” Haruki says, when Ritsuka comes to him for consultation one day, unable to keep all of this only to himself any longer.
“I don’t know, Haruki-san. I’m not really sure how to initiate this conversation.” Ritsuka sighs in exhaustion. “I can’t really go up to him and say, hey, can you stop calling your dead boyfriend’s name while you’re sleeping next to me? I’m getting jealous and sad.”
Haruki winced. “I guess I see where you’re having trouble.” Ritsuka drops his head on the cafe counter.
“Mafuyu… He’s really something.” He says.
“What do you mean?” Haruki questions.
“Well, sometimes he’s so bright— brighter than light. And then sometimes he’s so distant and mysterious, like a deep forest. I don’t know what goes on in his mind more than half of the time. I’m not sure if I’m getting to him when we’re together— or if he’s even listening to me or thinking about… you know.” Ritsuka said. “I don’t know if I’m making much sense though.”
“It’s difficult, that’s for sure.” Haruki said. “But I should say that it’s not wrong to feel what you’re feeling.”
“But I don’t want to feel this way, you know!” Ritsuka cried, suddenly raising his head from the table. “I want to be understanding towards his situation and give him time and space to heal completely!”
“Uecchi.” Haruki deadpanned. “Do you think of yourself as some perfect poster model of a boyfriend?”
“Huh?”
“You’re not god, or a saint. You’re a human. And humans feel bad emotions too.” Haruki said, leaning onto the counter. “I know Mafuyu is wounded, but you don’t have to hide your pain to make him heal.”
Ritsuka stares at Haruki in confusion, a huge question mark rotating in his brain. Haruki notices his confusion and smiles tiredly.
“You’re understanding enough already, Uecchi. Don’t be so hard on yourself.” He says, patting Ritsuka on his shoulder. So that day, Ritsuka returned home without finding any solution to his problem.
But Mafuyu’s calls for Yuki didn’t stop. Each passing night, his voice seemed to get more and more desperate, as if he’s trying to catch up to someone who’s walking away from him. Each passing night, he seemed to be clinging onto Ritsuka more tightly, more desperately. The weight of Mafuyu's head on his chest felt like a boulder crushing his heart, and the voice that had made him fall for him in the first place felt like nails on a chalkboard.
As cruel as it may sound, Ritsuka wants to erase Yuki from their lives. He never wants to hear his name again. But then again, all he cares about is Mafuyu. No matter how hard it is to be his lover, he’s addicted to him. He can’t imagine himself without him anymore. And Yuki is still important to Mafuyu.
“Yuki… Stay with me… Please…” Mafuyu whimpers, and Ritsuka feels like he’s at his limit. He wonders if he’s not doing enough as a boyfriend for Mafuyu to call out for Yuki so desperately. But the topic of Yuki rarely comes up when Mafuyu is in full consciousness. So Ritsuka settles in thinking that this is a reach.
“Stay…” Mafuyu says again in a soft whisper, and this time, Ritsuka wraps his arms around him.
“I’m right here.” Ritsuka whispers, letting a teardrop escape his eye and roll down the side of his face, into the pillow. Surprisingly, Mafuyu stops calling for Yuki the rest of the night.
>
This happens for the next couple of weeks. Mafuyu would start whimpering, and Ritsuka would hug him, whispering the words “I’m here. I’m right here.” It works for him most of the time. Mafuyu stops calling Yuki’s name as soon as Ritsuka says those words and he would get a night of peaceful sleep. Well, as peaceful as it can get because it was slightly unsettling for Ritsuka to accept the fact that Mafuyu was believing him to be his dead ex-boyfriend. But as long as he can make Mafuyu stop the endless calling, he’s fine with it. He’s fine, as long as he has Mafuyu.
But one day as he was sitting on Mafuyu’s floor, strumming the guitar to find a tune for their next new song, Mafuyu comes and sits next to him.
“Uenoyama-kun.” He calls, in his sweet poison of a voice. “I want to talk to you about something.”
Ritsuka looks up from his notes to see Mafuyu staring at his own crossed legs. His mental alarm goes off. Mafuyu has that expression. The expression which he hates to see on his face the most.
“Are you okay?” Ritsuka, naturally, asks.
“Uenoyama-kun…” Mafuyu calls his name again. Ritsuka thinks his name sounds much better when Mafuyu says it. “Do you want me to sell Yuki’s guitar?”
Ritsuka thinks he heard thunder clash, although the weather was clear outside. Mafuyu’s question felt so weird, so unnatural to hear. This is definitely not something he would normally say, or even think about. He knows that Yuki’s guitar was like a saviour to Mafuyu. It was because of that guitar Mafuyu finally was able to let out his emotions, and express himself in front of hundreds of people. It was because of that guitar Mafuyu was able to cry and open up. He had said so himself, that the guitar kind of saved him.
So why this question? That guitar meant a lot to him. It was the only thing of Yuki that was left behind— the only thing Mafuyu had of him.
“Uenoyama-kun?” Mafuyu called, waving his hand in front of his face and Ritsuka realised he had been silent for too long. “Are you listening to me?”
Ritsuka shook his head and stared at Mafuyu’s face. It looked sadder than ever, as if asking that question pained his existence.
“Why would you ask that?” Ritsuka questioned.
Mafuyu relaxed, and looked at his legs again, avoiding eye contact. “I know you hear me every night.” He said, taking Ritsuka a lot by surprise.
“What?” Ritsuka mutters.
“I know you hear me call his name… I’ve known for a few days now.” Mafuyu said, bringing his knees up to his chest and hugging them, hiding half of his face along the process.
Here’s another thing he still has yet to figure out about Mafuyu. At times, Mafuyu would completely shut Ritsuka out, refusing to talk about what is in his mind. And then there are times, when Mafuyu would initiate conversations, which would normally be difficult to talk about for couples, as if they are no big deal. This felt like one of those times.
“I get nightmares about him still… Him walking away from me. Leaving me all alone, all over again, every night. I can’t stop seeing those images, no matter how hard I try. They haunt me every night.” Mafuyu said. “And I know you hear me too, because you always hug me and tell me that you’re right here.”
“H-how—” Ritsuka stuttered.
“I just woke up one night and realised what was happening.” Mafuyu answered before Ritsuka could complete his question. He still didn’t look him in the eyes, maybe because he was anxious and afraid.
“I know it hurts you to hear me call his name every night. I can imagine.” Mafuyu said. Ritsuka was still at a loss for words. “So… if you want.. I-I can sell his g-guitar away and—” Mafuyu was unable to finish the sentence, as Ritsuka had now grabbed his face in his hands. Holding him by his jaws, he made Mafuyu look at him.
“Don’t ever say that.” Ritsuka said, sounding gravely firm as if there was no other option other than agreeing with him.
“B-but Uenoyama-kun—”
“Mafuyu.” Ritsuka interrupted. “Don’t even think about it.”
That guitar… It wasn’t meaningful to only Mafuyu. It was because of that guitar Ritsuka met him. It was because of that guitar they got so close, and fell in love. It was because of that guitar Mafuyu was now the vocalist of Given. Through some twisted game of fate, Ritsuka has also grown attached to that instrument. It may feel like a curse, but it also felt like a blessing. It was a double-edge sword which Ritsuka didn’t want to give away. Not just yet. Also, as much as he wanted Yuki and any traces of him to disappear from their lives, to see that pained expression on Mafuyu broke his heart a million times more.
Ritsuka smiled softly. Mafuyu’s eyes were shining now, partly because they reflected the bright light from outside. Ritsuka thinks his eyes resemble the prettiest sunset. He pulled Mafuyu closer and kissed him on the lips, gently, as if he’s holding a fragile glass. He felt Mafuyu’s lips quiver against his own, and he took hold of Ritsuka’s wrists, squeezing them in his own palms, nails digging Ritsuka’s skin. Mafuyu’s lips are as soft as ever, but he felt more delicate this time. The kiss lingered for a few seconds, as if Ritsuka was making sure it made an unforgettable mark on Mafuyu. It was gentle, nothing that screamed passion, but it was full of care, intended to move Mafuyu and make him feel loved.
Ritsuka could feel the tension and burden lift off his chest. Mafuyu cared enough about him to consider selling the only good thing that was there for him after that incident. He was ready to let go of that saviour, for Ritsuka. He felt a little selfish for being so happy about this. But it was all the reassurance he needed to know that he has a bigger place in Mafuyu’s heart than Yuki.
“Don’t ask such stupid questions ever again, silly.” Ritsuka said after pulling away from the kiss. He ruffled Mafuyu’s hair, who was still staring blankly at Ritsuka and smiled lovingly. No matter how difficult understanding Mafuyu is, Ritsuka keeps wanting to figure him out more. He exhaled shakily and dropped his head on Mafuyu’s shoulder and closed his eyes, enjoying how delicately Mafuyu held onto his shoulders.
“Also didn’t I say to not make that expression again?” He asked.
“What?” Mafuyu asked, dazedly.
“The one where you look like you’re about to cry by yourself.” Ritsuka said. “I told you, don’t ever cry by yourself alone.” Ritsuka placed a kiss on Mafuyu’s neck and felt him relax more in his arms.
“Please wait for me to be with you when you feel like crying.” Ritsuka said in a soft whisper near his ear.
“I know.” Mafuyu said, and Ritsuka believes he is smiling now. Although Mafuyu still confuses the hell out of Ritsuka and he still does not know how to read the boy’s mind properly, this time the relief in Mafuyu’s voice was crystal clear.
While Yuki might not ever leave his spot in Mafuyu’s heart, Ritsuka knows he has the potential to overpower that existence. He understands that completely, and he plans on using that power to heal Mafuyu, for good.
“Uenoyama-kun.” Mafuyu calls him again and god, Ritsuka can hear him say that all day long. “I love you.”
A fierce blush forms on Ritsuka’s face, and he’s glad that Mafuyu can’t see his face right now. He knows the boy enjoys it when he’s flustered. But he also can't help the smug smile that crept on his lips.
“I know. I love you too.”