Chapter Text
To say that whitewashed walls of examination rooms gave Felix the creeps was an understatement.
He disliked being the center of attention unless it was in the spotlight on a stage, or during in an interview. Or basically any other scenario than this, and frankly, examination rooms gave him anxiety in themselves, which felt a bit counterproductive to what he was here to do.
"So, Mr...Lee. Have you been dealing with these stress-related attacks for long?"
Wasn't that the million dollar question? Chan's fingertips lingered on Felix's spine, offering wordless reassurance. They did indeed currently occupy the last place he'd ever want to find himself. An examination room.
The doctor, a mild-voiced man with graying hair, was facing them, awaiting his reply. Felix's reply. Chan flanked him in the chair next to him, also awaiting a reply. But nothing emerged, not a peep. Just the quiet, steady susurrating of the computer next to them, and right now was the moment that Felix was supposed to scour his brain and produce a response and he just couldn't.To be honest, he felt like just brushing the whole thing off. It wasn't his idea, he hadn't asked for it, everything was peachy as far as he was concerned but not according to Chan.
No. It was fine, he was fine. But nonetheless, he found himself currently weighing between a half-truth and a lie.
"Well, no," he said as neutrally as he could, even though his voice came out useless and small. Come on, pull it together. "I just get a little stressed sometimes, but it's honestly not that bad, and..."
He dropped his gaze to his nails, hesitating. Next to him Chan coughed sharply before he could follow on that disingenious note. His eyes met Felix’s as they glanced sideways, clearly telling him don't you dare lie.
"...it's...honestly...not...that...bad," Felix enunciated slowly, as if everyone in the room except him was somehow slow. It certainly felt like it. Chan's unimpressed frown deepened and the doctor experienced mild bewilderment.
“So am I to understand that "
"All idols get stressed,” Felix bit him off and shrugged curtly. “If I didn't get stressed I'd be doing something wrong. And I can handle it and it’s fine and...yeah. It’s fine.”
He let his head loll down again, fingers resuming the nail-scraping. Chan swallowed a sigh that would have been much too telling otherwise. So this was about to be downplayed, figured, because Felix was hellbent on showing a flawless exterior as usual. And this was exactly why Chan had insisted on coming with when the company scheduled the appointment. Because Felix just pretended that everything was fine, that he didn't stress about honing his Korean skills and his dancing and singing skills, that he didn't deal with anxiety attacks a little too often. It wasn't fine.
The doctor’s eyes darted aimlessly from one young man to the other, unsure where to look and who to really trust. It was at that moment that Chan decided to just take control of the situation, since Felix just pretended like everything was all sunshine and rainbows.
"He gets pretty bad anxiety," he said plainly, ignoring the tiny intake of air next to him. "He worries too much and sleeps badly and overwork himself, and then sometimes he gets anxiety and cries and shakes. And it’s difficult to calm him."
With each uttered word, Felix’s knuckles tightened a little more. Half-moon shaped indents covered his palms as his vexation grew. How nice. How very nice, and how the hell could he do this? How could Chan spill all the details about his life without his permission? The muscles in his back moved on autopilot, shaking the comforting hand off.
"I see," the doctor commented and adjusted his glasses, his attention fully on Chan now. “...and how often do these anxiety attacks occur?"
"Not very often at all, barely once a month," Felix hurried to assert.
"Once a week," Chan interjected coolly.
It appeared that their recollections differed wildly. Who to believe? Chan seemed like a safer bet, and Mr Doctor produced "mhmm"-noises as he began filling the file on his screen with details.
"And is there usually a particular trigger, or a variation of things causing this anxiety?"
"Nothing special that I can come to think of," Felix said with emphasis. This was it. The look he gave Chan the second after could kill on sight. But he must not be looking as bloodthirsty as he felt because it was also completely ignored.
"A few things in particular," Chan countered without batting a lash. The two of them glared at each other in a silent, unarmed draw, until Chan broke away. He turned to the doctor again, speaking calmly and earnestly.
"There’s usually a specific trigger that seems to make them happen more frequently. When Felix is upset after an interview or dance practice, or tense after a performance that he thought went badly.”
At this point,Felix just gave up entirely. What was the use of trying to argue anyway? He crossed his arms like a petulant child and decided to just stare at a loose thread in his ripped jeans instead of participating in this conversation. If they treated him like a child, he might as well act like one and if Chan wanted to disclose his personal shortcomings to the entire neighborhood he could do so without Felix's assistance.
“I see, precisely.”
More humming followed as the doctor swiveled around in his chair. He started to dig around in a stack of papers, fishing out a brochure. It was presented to Felix. But when he just remained impassive, it was offered to Chan instead. He accepted it and started flipping through the pages while the doctor kept talking.
"This includes some information about the causes of anxiety, how it affects the body and the mind and ways to alleviate it."
Felix slumped in his chair, the corners of his mouth sagging lower and lower. For the next ten minutes or so he almost drifted off as Chan conversed with the doctor as if he wasn't even present. What a useless trip, he might as well have stayed home.
"...practicing different relaxation and breathing techniques might also help...young man?"
“Hm? Yes."
The situation begged for his attention, apparently. Felix shot upright and rubbed a hand over his face, aware of the bemused glances he was receiving.
"If this continues and becomes a real nuisance, we can revisit the matter. But for now we'll see how it develops. Be honest with your management and ask the company to book you further appointments if needed. Oh, and..."
The doctor swiveled back and faced the screen again. After another eternity of tapping, the printer next to him started spitting out a document. Felix remained quiet, taking no notice of Chan's fingers as they discreetly crept closer, settling on his arm in a bid to try to placate him, but he wasn't interested. The document was handed to Felix, along with a small bottle of pills.
"This is a prescription for anti-anxiety medication, they are very mild sedatives that relieve your physical symptoms. For very severe anxiety attacks, if you find them to be unbearable and if the other relaxation techniques don’t work. But they can cause drowsiness and headaches along other side effects so don't take one unless it's absolutely necessary."
Felix accepted the bottle with a sigh and the conversation ensued again without his participating. As he turned the bottle over in his hands he squinted to read the fine print on the label and rows and rows of warnings listed.
Side effects: sedation, dizziness, vomiting, confusion, headaches, blurred vision, nausea...
Okay? By the time he reached vomiting, Felix's gut had already tied itself into a knot. How very lovely, and over his dead body would he be taking these anytime soon.
Chan followed patiently on Felix's heels as they were dismissed like a silent phantom. Felix walked the endless corridors a few steps ahead of him, intentionally speeding up whenever they were about to sync. Was it childish?
Yes.
Did he care?
No.
Chan noted that the younger maintained the sulking act all the way outside and into the company car. He didn't take note of it, just slipped inside at the opposite end of Felix in the back seat. As the car took off, Felix leaned into the corner to study the surroundings without casting a single glance to his right.
Not a word had been exchanged between them for the last thirty minutes. Felix was pretty good at mock-sulking, but this time it seemed authentic.
Chan really worried. Hell, he never stopped. But he didn’t worry about the sulking, that would come to an end soon, surely. He worried about what murky, detrimental thoughts scrambled around Felix's head again without getting an outlet. Enough was enough eventually, and Chan had enough of staring at the blonde swirl at the back of Felix's head. This stubborn silence was so dumb.
"So...exactly how long did you plan on staying mad at me?"
Felix's voice escaped muffled through his fingers as he rested his chin in his hand, his stare glued at the tall skyscrapers they passed.
"Haven't really made up my mind yet."
This wasn’t mock-sulking, but not hardcore-sulking, either. Chan checked his phone. 5PM. They would have to start packing when they reached the dorm, but he sure as hell wasn’t about to go for a road trip with Felix pissed at him. Neither did he experience any remorse for being absolutely candid on his behalf, but they had to reach a truce soon.
"Hey. Look at me."
The soft request was almost enough to make Felix yield. He shifted in his seat, but it took a few more repetitions of his name before he swung around, the hurt clearly visible in his expressive eyes.
"You had no right to do that."
"Felix," Chan said gently but firmly. "I can't just sit by and let you provide inaccurate information to a medical professional. I'm not backing down on this. As the leader of this group I have to look out for you guys's health and I know that you like to just ignore things and pretend they don't exist, but they do."
"But it's not that bad," Felix rambled, releasing all the haphazard words that ke kept hostage for the past thirty minutes. "I can handle it myself, and you think that I can't, there was no need to…"
He fell silent as a shadow overtook Chan's usually bright features. Rarely did he see the leader grave, but now was one of the few times, and even the driver stayed quiet as a mouse to allow them to convene in peace.
"You're not winning this."
"Okay."
"Your health is the most important to be, you understand?"
"Yes. Understood."
Felix swallowed hard and sagged a few inches downward, his hand falling limply onto the seat. The sky outside had turned into soup and soon rain started swirling down the window in cascades. Chan just didn't get it. But after a moment, Felix felt a few fingers warily brush over the back of his hand. This was sensitive ground, and Chan knew that.
"Felix..."
"Mhm."
"The last few times were a little bad, you know that. You were distressed and crying, and it's better to deal with it than to try to hide it from everyone, including me."
The hand rose to cradle his freckled cheek instead, just lightly. After a moment Chan heaved in relief as Felix leaned into it.
"Listen,” he continued. “I know you have this idea that you have to be perfect cause it's what's required of an idol, that you can't ever show yourself vulnerable or have any health concerns ever because you’ll be thrown out of the group, but you won’t.”
Felix’s features bruised at the mere mention. He couldn't deny that was a massive fear, that the past would repeat itself. The comforting hand moved to his neck to administer a gentle squeeze.
“Lix...this thing you’re experiencing isn’t a flaw, it’s just a physical reaction to stress, and it’s okay. We’ll handle it. But you have to be honest, no lying to management or doctors. I care about you, that's why I had to tell the doctor. Okay?"
Felix sank further and further into the seat until he was basically laying down. So he was obsessed with being perfect, he couldn't really deny it to himself. In Felix's imagined version of himself, Felix 2.0, his Korean was flawless, his singing was flawless, his physique was flawless. Whatever it might be, he wouldn’t settle for anything else and if he worked his ass off, the antis would simply have nothing to complain about.
That was all well and good. But as much as Felix wanted to be a machine, he wasn't.
Maybe he had fallen down a slippery slope just a little bit, and worked himself into a pulp in his quest to polish everything into perfection. Balancing everything on his plate was tough. Dancing, performing, practicing Korean often with meager amounts of sleep in his system. And maybe he hadn't admitted to himself that everything boiled over a few times, that he hit a wall too often because he tried to cram too many hours of practice into one single day. And every time that happened, Chan was there, to pick him up from the floor.
All the biting responses Felix wanted to give earlier just evaporated into thin air. He braved a shy sideways The smile offered to him was always sparkling, reaching from ear to ear across deep dimples. Always on standby.
"Yeah, you're right," he said simply. "I’m sorry. You're absolutely right."
Chan's eyes sparkled dangerously as he withdrew his hand. Oh no.
"Of course I am."
"Oh, really?"
"Always right, we’ve established that, haven't we?"
"Don't ruin it," Felix complained and pushed his face into his hands, but Chan just giggled like a three-year old and shook him happily now that the storm had blown over.
"I'm only kidding, Felix. So are you looking forward to the trip?"
"Yeah, I am."
For the remainder of the journey, Felix stared dreamily out of the window. Because the fact was that hey were about to get a well-earned holiday after months of hard work. First thing tomorrow, a bus would arrive to transport them to Sokcho, where they would spend a whole week just doing touristy things. Touristy things like regular citizens on their very first field trip together.
The nature was most appealing to Felix. In the photos he had seen everything looked gorgeous and lush like straight out of a postcard. The beaches flanked by tall skyscrapers reminded him a lot of the ones back in Australia, but the best thing was that for once, just a few days, he wouldn’t have to study Korean until his brain ached. Wouldn’t have to wake up early for dance practice and wouldn't have to stress himself into oblivion.
By the time they pulled up outside of the dorm the tension between the two had dissipated like it never even existed in the first place. Felix bounced all around Chan like a bunny and the elder couldn’t help but to feel infected by the bubbling excitement.
"We have to remember to bring the Uno cards. Very important."
"Oh yeah. Definitely."
"And swimming stuff. The hotel has a pool right?"
"It does, it'll be fun, it's..."
As the front door swung open, Chan's voice was drowned out by a cacophony of noise, ranging from screeching to laughing and near-crying. The pair stepped further inside and were just about to kick off their shoes when Hyunjin materialized in front of them. But he looked rough, somehow. His hair was mussed and he wore a wild expression as if he had just been chased by a pack of hungry wolves.
"Channie help."
"Hyunjin, what the hell is going —”
"Seungmin took my iPad and won't give it back."
A bang from upstairs. All three pairs of eyes shot up to the ceiling, and Chan just squinted in disbelief as more noise emerged, terribly difficult to place. If he didn't know better he would have guessed they were taking apart and reassembling all the furniture or engaging in a violent paintball game.
"Are you guys…"
"Packing, yeah, but it kind of turned into…"
"...chaos," Chan finished. A moment later he ascended the stairs in a few huge strides. Of course chaos, what else would it be?
Pure and utter chaos.
"Guys!"
Chan flung himself into the closest room with Hyunjin and Felix in tow. The first thing he saw was Seungmi, standing right in the middle of the room. The criminal in the act. He was busy cramming Hyunjin’s ipad into his suitcase but freezed on the spot when he noticed he wasn't alone anymore.
“I need it more!"
"Bullshit," Hyunjin wailed.
"I really do, because mine's broken and there's this game that I want to play."
“Seungmin.” A stern finger pointed his way made him push the rest of it down. “Give Hyunjin his ipad, come on.”
The ipad was returned to its owner, and Hyunjin humbly agreed to let Seungmin borrow it now and then to play the stupid game he had somehow grown addicted to. Chan walked into the room next door and into a sea of scattered clothes. It covered the whole floor all the way out into the corridor. What the hell? Next door, as Chan and Felix arrived there, they saw that Jisung and Changbin were occipied in a tug over war over a t-shirt. He gripped his head and had to raise his voice at least five octaves before anyone paid attention to him.
“Hey - hey - HEY, can you guys chill?”
Caught off guard by the sudden bark, the two of them lost their grip on the tee simultaneously. The bed saved Changbin as he launched backwards while Chan barely managed to catch Jisung by the chest before he could fall headfirst into the floorboards.
“What the hell are you doing?!”
“Well...we uh…”
“They were fighting over whose t-shirt that is,” Jeongin chimed in from the other side of the room. He was trying to close a suitcase, bobbing up and down on it like it was a trampoline.
“Jeongin,” Chan started, eyes narrowing more and more as he approached. “...are you bringing a whole year’s worth of clothes on the trip?”
“No, but I just figured I might need many extra sets, depending on the weather. And then I need going out-outfits and hiking outfits and shopping outfits, and outfits for in case we encounter a bear."
“Jeongin, there's no bears there.”
Chan allowed himself a reinforcing breath, before hauling the younger to his feet. “Okay, you know what, everyone pause. Stop, stop what you’re doing.”
Everyone came to a hal as if suspended in time. Chan took a few calming breaths. Not until he had everyone's undivided attention did he start speaking again.
“Firstly...clean up this mess," he commanded, sweeping his hand over the mayhem. "Secondly...we'll only be gone a week. Smart, light packing, but don't bring the entire dorm. And no oversleeping tomorrow, because the bus ain't waiting for no one.”
The bus truly waited for no one.
A whole day and a half later, Felix and Chan woke to rays of sunshine seeping in through the curtains in their hotel room. They spent all of yesterday in the bus and upon arrival the group mostly resembled a collection of dirty sponges dragging their wet limbs into the reception. But a full night’s rest worked wonders.
Felix hadn’t really had a chance to admire the Korean countryside yesterday, what with mostly snoozing his way through the ride. But now he was all rested and game again. While Chan was still creaking like a rusty car and groaning something about too early, Felix was already by the window to slide the curtains open and welcome the new day.
A pleasant sight awaited. Periwinkle blue skies coupled with the East Sea stretching into infinity beyond the strips of glimmering, beige sand.A strange serenity budded within him, reaching all the way into his fingertips. It was a welcome feeling, a feeling he hadn’t felt for some time.
Before they headed downstairs for the day, Chan made sure to fill his backpack with all sorts of necessary and necessary items. Multiple bottles of water, insect repellent, band-aids, and last but not least, Felix's anxiety medication.
“You never know when it’s needed,” he stated wisely. Felix just chose not to respond, since he knew better than to argue about the matter now that they had finally put away the war flag.
Once breakfast was taken care of they all gathered in the foyer, forming a neat line. They were supposed to meet someone here, a guide, more precisely. The woman, a petite, middle-aged lady in beige khakis who looked like she had little patience for disobedience, arrived on the dot to shake hands with the group's manager. He disappeared thereafter to the restaurant for a cup of coffee, and the lady turned alert eyes to the members she was now in charge of. Her smile was laughably wide as she let her eyes travel over them one by one.
“Well, hello, young men! My name is Mrs Park. I will be your guide for the day. Your management has scheduled a guided stroll around Seoraksan National Park for you, how absolutely wonderful.”
She continued her little presentation, but Chan only listened with one ear. He had noticed that something was awry. Somehow only five pairs of eyes watched her with undivided attention, when it should be seven.
He made a quick headcount, letting out a wheezing breath of disapproval once he was done.
Changbin and Felix weren't present. No, because Changbin and Felix were busy frolicking around like a pair of lambs as if this foyer was one big pasture. Not only were they cackling loudly while doing so, but also paying zero attention to the fact that they should be listening at the moment. Chan discreetly removed himself and tried to latch onto Felix as he weaseled past, but no luck. Truly, he was beyond delighted that the fellow Aussie flew out of bed like a chirping bird this morning, but it would be helpful if he could tone down the energy just a notch. Mrs Park had noticed the missing trio by now and interrupted her monologue. Chan fired off an apologetic smile as he tried again to catch his members attention.
“Sorry about them...they’re a...little...hyperactive…guys!”
The rest of the group rolled their eyes and hauled out phones to busy themselves. Meanwhile, Mrs Park looked like she was downright regretting her choice to even drive to work today. Felix’s and Changbin’s game of cat and mouse continued while she clutched the map of files tightly to her chest, still wearing the same patient smile. God damn it.
It would be nice if they weren’t thrown out of here on the first day, Chan thought, but just as he was about to drag them both back by the scruffs of their necks the chase came to an end. Felix crashed into a stack of suitcases next to the reception desk and since it was pretty much unavoidable by then, he landed flat on his ass. The scene played out right in front of a group of elderly ladies who were in the process of checking in.
“Um...excuse me, ladies, as you were.”
“Lee Felix and Seo Changbin!”
Chan didn't sound the least bit amused. The rest of the group got in a good laugh watching Felix try to crawl to his feet, assisted by Changbin. Chan grabbed them by their arms and pulled them back, muttering death threats under breath that had Changbin paling a few shades. Oh dear. He tossed Changbin into the care of Minho and tugged on Felix's arm until they all formed a line again, and could continue in accordance with the agenda.
“Sorry, Channie,” Felix mumbled sheepishly once he was settled. He peered up at Chan through the blonde bangs, the tiny appeasing smile growing bigger. Who could stay mad at him for longer than a minute? Chan scanned him for any signs of injury, but found nothing but the blush creeping across his freckled cheeks.
"That was a pretty bad faceplant, are you okay?"
"Yeah, fine. Only thing that's bruised is my dignity." Felix raised a hand to wave at the poor, startled women by the desk.
"Deserved," Chan concluded with a smile. "Alright, now calm down and pay attention, okay?”
"Promise, no more funny business."
Chan was satisfied. But he gathered Felix's sweater sleeve into a fist, just to be safe, and turned back to Mrs Park again.
“Please, after you.”
“Marvellous," she said, remaining unaffected by the mayhem. "So, as I was saying, today we will be exploring the trails of Seoraksan National Park. You must stay with the group at all times, under no circumstances must you wander off on your own. I have maps here that I will distribute, keep them within reach…”
Chan's guarding grip on Felix’s sleeve kept him stationary even as he started to fidget. All the information Mrs Park kept grating out was mind-numbingly boring. Stay with the group, keep maps available, don’t wander off. It was basically common sense, a five-year old could figure it. Felix's legs shook with restlessness and he was ready to put his brand new hiking shoes to good use.
An eternity of nothing passed after they piled into the car and took off. It was a bit of a drive, but the view outside quickly changed from concrete to pure, untouched nature. All of them rushed out of their seats to press their noses and palms against the window. The mountains towering over them on each sides were impressive and admired until Chan asked them to stop because they dirtied the glass.
It was breathtaking. But once they exited the car, Felix’s jaw dropped even further down. Juniper trees and sturdy oaks surrounded them as they sauntered towards the entrance of the park. The mountains, the lush green forest, it was all very pretty. Next to the entrance a statue waited to welcome them in. It was a magnificent bear with its paw raised in the air. Before Chan even noticed Felix’s arm sliding out of his loose grasp he was already next to it and busy preparing his phone camera.
“Hyung! Come, let’s take a picture here! Hyunjin, can you take it?”
Chan obliged with a smile and trotted over. As they leaned back against the massive statue he felt Felix’s hand sneak around his shoulders. Copying the action, he curled an arm around Felix's waist and pulled him close. Snap, and Hyunjin had captured the moment.
“Any good?”
Felix studied the picture on his display. Their exaggerated, toothy smiles and wind-ruffled hair made him smirk minutely. It was a good one.
He’d keep it forever.
“You always look great, photogenic as you are,” Chan commented adoringly. Felix’s smile was wide as he took Chan's hand to pull him along. After one final inspection by Mrs Park to make sure they all had proper footwear and water bottles ready, they all started the trek.
Felix basically flew down the undulating trails for the next two hours, constantly at the front of the line as he admired the nature around them. Flowers bloomed in technicolor and rivers gently flowed through the dale. They climbed all the way up to an intricately designed buddhist temple with unparalleled views, so far up that that they could practically touch the cotton clouds above them.
Once they reached the very peak, all Felix could do was look wherever he could. Crisp air enveloped them, and all the fears that haunted him as of late evaporated into the ether at once. Nature just had that effect on you.
“This is just so beautiful.”
Chan turned to look at him. The wind gently tossed his hair around his head like a halo, freckles kissed by the setting sun. Chan's heart leapt and cheered because Felix was happy, and when Felix was happy, he shone like the stars themselves.
After they had snapped an appropriate amount of panoramas and selfies in numerous different locations, everyone was satisfied. Mrs Park glanced at her wrist watch. The time told her that it was about time to start herding them back. Darker clouds loomed on the horizon and it looked like it might rain, even though the sky had been crystal clear not even two hours ago.
“Okay, let’s start our descent...be careful, you’re probably tired by now, so go slow and easy. We’ll take the shorter trail back.”
The little flock began their journey back. It wasn't as smooth as before, as could be expected as energy levels dropped. There was a whole lot of complaining about grumbling tummies and sore feet as they plowed their way down at snail speed. But Chan did his utmost to keep everyone’s spirits up, promising that they would head to dinner the second they reached the city center again.
“Move, guys...let’s do a choreo down this hill...freestyle, come on.”
A unified groan was the answer to that suggestion. Jisung appeared the most tortured. He scrunched his eyes in pain as he clung to the leader in hopes of being offered a piggyback ride down.
“My legs are too short for this. I wasn’t meant to be a wilderness explorer, that much is apparent by now.”
Felix, however, was still running on endless endorphins. How was unclear, but he just scuttled ahead and giggled at the rest of the group's misery.
“You guys look like a little family of sloths. No one would ever mistake you for k-pop idols.”
Their thunderous faces just made it funnier. As they walked down a passage littered with flowers in all colors and shapes. Yellow, pink, radiant, bees and butterflies surrounding them in droves. He just had to make a quick stop, snapping a macro to add to his ever-growing collection.
When he jumped upright again, the group had managed to gain momentum on him. Felix stuffed the phone back into his backpack with one hand and fell into a job, preparing to catch up. But something else caught his eye. Something brown, and very small, a mere smudge but clearer once he veered onto the intersecting path and took a closer look.
...it was a deer. Well, actually, a baby deer, a fawn.
The animal stood frozen on the soft muddy trail that led back into the woods, some thirty feet from him. The pair of ears were on high alert and the little scut of a tail twitched slightly. Carefully, so as not to startle it, Felix took a few steps forward. He was awestruck and still held his phone in his hand, so it might be possible to take a discreet picture.
It was so cute. But as he crept closer, it suddenly jerk away, the hind legs kicking up dirt as it scampered off. Felix followed in the fawn's trail, attempting to record a little snippet. The forest thickened and thickened on both sides as he sprinted its wake, but soonhe had to admit defeat. How dumb.
There was no way he was catching up to a deer, what exactly had he been thinking?
Sighing, he swung around to head back. But there he found himself at a crossroads. There was not one, but three, diverging paths all leading in different directions.
Wait a minute. What?
Which one had he come from?
Apparently he hadn’t noticed how far he had ventured, but now he realized that the trees were denser here. The sunlight could barely penetrate the canopy and a sinister feeling sprouted in Felix's gut the longer he peered upward. No. He had to find the way back. Adrenaline propelled him into swift motion and he fell into a sprint onto the trail that looked most familiar.
He ran and ran, but by the time he logically should have reached the next intersection that would lead him onto the main trail, there was nothing. Just the same, very narrow, very unofficial-looking one, with tall trees and foliage on all sides.
great, just fucking great.
Coming to a halt, Felix reflected over the situation as his pulse thrashed about in his ear. This couldn’t be happening, not now — had he seriously gone and managed to get himself lost when the guide specifically told them to stick with the group? Who the hell got lost chasing a deer?
With trembling hands, he seized his phone. But white-hot dread filled him as he saw the display. Wow, it was running on a total of five puny percent battery. Just lovely.
“Fucking idiot—
Felix cursed out loud and dialed Chan, but after just one ring the phone died completely. The excessive recording and picture-snapping had sent it to its doom. Staring at screen, Felix tried to untangle his thoughts enough to figure out what to do. Continue forward? What did he need to do?
Go back. Find the way back.
He continued walking, shoving the gurgling anxiety back down. There was no other choice but after what felt like literal hours, he’d still gotten nowhere. The map was of no use because he had no sense of direction. Where even was north? South? If anything, he seemed to be running in circles, and now he started to feel it. The bones in his body cramping up, the reality of the situation starting to wrap around his throat like barbed wire.
“God, no, no, not here…”
It was no use. Within minutes, sobs started to tear through him and forcing him down as he fought for air. The ground was cold. Twigs and pine cones dug into his palms as he steadied himself, his snot mixing with the flowing tears.
Calm. Calm down.
A tender internal voice told him to calm down, sounding vaguely like Chan. But the anxiety was overpowering and soon it felt like someone was sitting within Felix's lungs and punching them from the inside. A sticky layer of sweat connected his clothes to his skin. He worked himself out of the overshirt and threw his backpack down, digging through it until he located the small bottle he was looking for.
Opening it took several tries because of the tremble in his fingers. And he was scared. This wasn’t how he had planned on familiarizing himself with these. But what choice did he have, he was bordering on a damn anxiety attack in the middle of nowhere and he felt like he would slowly suffocate unless he calmed down.
He rolled the oval-shaped pill between his fingers, focusing on it with one eye. Screw it.
Felix swallowed the pill with a mouthful of water and fell to his haunches, using his hands to stifle the sobs that kept falling out of him.
Chan.
A large tree trunk was conveniently closeby. Felix used his last strength to lean against the wood, wrapping his arms around himself and pretending they were Chan's.
"Hyung..."
He repeated it silently to himself, voice saturated with tears, but no one answered. Just the leaves as they softly rustled around him accompanied by the swaying and creaking of trees in the wind.
Please come find me. Please. Please please please, come.
But something changed. The heavy hand of anxiety released its grasp around his throat and Felix felt his heartbeat slow until he wondered if it was beating at all. His limbs slackened, mind numbing. After a few minutes the sniffling ceased too, but soon, dollops of rain started trickling down as blanketing darkness gradually fell upon the forest.