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It was lunchtime at the SHIELD building, and the cafeteria was full and bustling when Agent Phil Coulson walked in through the door.
“Attention! Attention, please!” he called through his cupped hands, like a high school principal trying to get the attention of an auditorium full of teenagers. Behind him, Deputy Director Maria Hill entered the room, followed by an intern lugging a large whiteboard. “Settle down, people!”
Gradually, the cafeteria grew quieter, although there were some whispers and feet-shuffling from the back of the room. Coulson regarded them all with a fixed smile until he was certain that he had their full attention.
“Thank you,” he said, once they were all silent. “We’ve just been given the heads-up on an incoming problem. A message from Asgard’s just come down the pipe, telling us that Lorelai -”
He was interrupted by a few cat-calls and boos from agents who’d dealt with the enchantress before. Coulson held up his hand and waited for silence before continuing.
“That Lorelai,” he resumed, “has broken out of their prison and is heading for earth. Preliminary intel suggests that she’s coming here.” He took a felt-tipped pen from his pocket and popped the cap off as the intern struggled to set up the whiteboard. “The sound of her voice or the touch of her hand are seductive enough to make any susceptible person do her bidding, so here’s what we’re going to do. We’re going to play ‘Hot or Not’ using a number of celebrity photographs of both sexes to find out which agents are attracted to women, and then keep those agents isolated until Lorelai has been contained. Questions?”
There was a pause while everyone considered this, and then Agent Munroe raised a tentative hand.
“Uh, not to question your plan or anything, but do we really have to do this? I mean, I’m pretty sure we all filled out, like, fifty pages of forms requiring increasingly detailed answers about our personal lives when we were hired, don’t you… know… this stuff already?”
There was a lot of nodding from around the room. Coulson popped the cap back on his pen, and pulled it off again. He looked slightly embarrassed.
“Well, yes,” he said. “But there’s a bit of wiggle room around everyone’s sexual preferences. This seemed like a good way to make sure. Besides, we’re only allowed to access that information in an emergency.”
“Evil sorceresses with sexy powers aren’t considered an emergency?”
Coulson’s embarrassment increased. “Not enough of an emergency, no. We don’t want to be opening those files for just any reason. The feeling is that it would be too invasive.”
“Too invasive?” said Agent Trahn. “You took tissue samples and had us sign a waiver giving SHIELD permission to clone our bodies in case of emergency!”
“Yes, well, it turns out that cloning your employees is actually less controversial than sorting them based on gender or sexual orientation. Let’s get this show on the road, shall we? The principle is very simple. The photographs you’ll be looking at have been ranked in order from most- to least-closely resembling Lorelai. If you feel at all sexually attracted to any of them, you’ve got the day off, and are requested to either leave the building or spend the rest of the afternoon hiding in a janitors’ cupboard blindfolded and with your fingers in your ears to prevent any inconvenient… seductions.” He coughed, and popped the lid off his pen for the last time. “First up -.” He rapped the whiteboard, on which the intern had stuck a large glossy photograph. “Karen Gillian. Hot, or not?”
Quite a lot of people left the room.
//
They didn’t have to go through very many photographs before the cafeteria was mostly empty. Hill shot Coulson a significant look.
“See? This is why affirmative action is important.”
“Never said it wasn’t,” Coulson said absently. The remaining SHIELD staffers, left scattered through the cafeteria, were dominated by a single figure, who loomed head and shoulders above the rest of them like a large and polished monolith wearing an ill-fitting suit. “Agent Flint, I don’t mean to pry, but aren’t you married? To a woman, I mean.”
“Oh, I remember her,” Hill offered. “I met her at the staff Christmas party. Lovely woman. Bakes like a demon.”
Agent Flint crossed his arms over his chest. “I love my wife,” he rumbled. His voice was very deep and very resonant, and seemed to come from very far away. “Not gonna cheat on her.”
“A sentiment which does you much credit, but we are dealing with magical forces outside of our earthly experience,” Coulson said. “I’m just saying, your evident heterosexuality might make you a bit of a weak link in our defensive plan.” Not to mention the fact that there isn’t an agent in this room you couldn’t snap like a dry twig, he added in the privacy of his own mind. Agent Flint appeared not to have been born so much as constructed, and if his suit didn’t happen to fit quite right it was only because they hadn’t yet found a tailor with the requisite crampons and climbing apparatus to take his measurements.
High above them all, Agent Flint’s brows drew together in a thunderous and disapproving frown. “Not gonna cheat,” he repeated, obstinately, and Hill and Coulson exchanged a look.
“Well, I’m sure you know your own heart best,” Coulson said, giving him a friendly slap on the back and then shaking out his stinging fingers. “Alright, huddle, people. I don’t want to have to shout.”
There was some embarrassed shuffling of feet and sliding of chairs, but eventually the remaining agents overcame their reluctance and obediently gathered around Hill and Coulson. The intern had left, sometime between Natalie Dormer and Gillian Anderson.
“First of all, thank you for your cooperation,” Coulson said, when they had all formed a loose semi-circle around the whiteboard. “It’s much appreciated, and you’ll all be getting overtime plus danger pay. Now, before we delve further into the – yes, Agent Munroe, what is it?” he added, as the agent in question tentatively raised his hand.
Agent Munroe was a thin, weedy young man, well-groomed, whose face was dominated by a pair of thick glasses. Just now, his eyes skittered madly in all directions behind the massive lenses, like small, ballistic rodents seeking shelter at the bottom of a mason jar.
“I’m, uh, I’m… not one hundred percent sure I should be here,” he admitted, with obvious reluctance.
There was a moment of thoughtful silence.
“Pretty sure you’re going to have to explicate that one for us, Agent,” Coulson said.
“It’s just…” Agent Munroe waved his hands in the air in what he apparently thought was an explanatory fashion. “I’ve never actually dated. Anyone. And, uh, so, I don’t really… know? Um,” he added. “I just thought I’d mention it. I don’t want to cause a problem, or anything. I could leave?”
“You’ve never felt attracted to anyone at all?” Coulson prodded. “Not even in our carefully curated selection of celebrity photographs? The intern worked very hard on those, you know.”
“Uh… not really. But, well, there was this girl?” Agent Munroe offered, blushing furiously. “But, in elementary school? We, uh, kind of thought we’d get married? So maybe I’m straight. But I don’t know if that feels right.”
“That doesn’t mean anything,” Agent Chang said, rolling her eyes. “Madeline White, and we used to swear up and down we’d get married to each other when we were in kindergarten, but that doesn’t mean oh my god, excuse me, I have to make a phone call.” She jumped up from her seat and quickly left the room.
Coulson turned to Agent Munroe. “So, no romantic entanglements post-puberty?”
Agent Munroe, now almost painfully red, shook his head. Coulson rubbed his chin thoughtfully.
“Well, have you considered asexuality?”
“Uh…” Agent Munroe said, rubbing the back of his neck. “No? I mean, I always just figured it was… like, that I just hadn’t met the right person yet, but… maybe?”
“Huh.” Hill looked down at her tablet. “Well, Lorelai’s ETA isn’t for another hour and a half, and the intern left like, three file boxes full of celebrity photographs, we can just keep going.”
“I’ll make popcorn!” Agent Ramirez called from the back of their little group.
“And if we don’t,” Coulson added, “I’m sure Lorelai will be able to help you better understand your position vis-à-vis heterosexuality. This can be a growing experience for everyone.”
Agent Munroe’s shoulders slumped. “Oh,” he said. “Goody.”
//
“Foolish mortals, you will submit to my will!” cried Lorelai as she burst into SHIELD headquarters. She stopped, and considered the group of agents assembled in front of her through narrowed eyes. “This is hardly enough people for an army. I thought your organization had more employees than this.”
Coulson stepped forwards. “We usually do,” he admitted. “However, we gave all straight men, lesbians, and any bisexuals who thought they might be particularly susceptible towards hot redheads the day off, along with Agent Cooper, who’s gay but has a dentist appointment he didn’t want to reschedule.” He consulted his clipboard. “In addition, three employees had to be sent off to attend sensitivity training, and Agents Murakami, Heidegger and Baker are in medical getting stitches after a fight broke out over which Tom was hotter, Hiddleston or Hardy, and Agent Wu’s still hasn’t gotten his hearing back in one ear after asking Director Fury to cast the deciding vote. Which leaves -,” he gestured over his shoulder at his army – “all of the SHIELD agents currently on location who’ve been able to prove they are not attracted to women, even red-headed ones, or who have very strong feelings on the subject of marital infidelity.”
Agent Flint, looming over the rest of the group, cracked his knuckles meaningfully. Lorelai swallowed.
“And Agent Munroe,” Coulson went on, clapping the agent in question on the shoulder. “Who is somewhat confused about his sexual orientation, and was hoping you could help him out.”
“What,” said Lorelai.
“I’m really not sure I’m comfortable with this,” Agent Munroe said. Coulson patted him reassuringly on the back.
“Don’t worry, we’re all here to support you. No judgement. Now, would you say this woman’s physical attractiveness is such that you would unquestioningly support her in her poorly thought-out schemes for world domination -”
“Hey!” said Lorelai.
“ – or do you still feel that you have some small vestige of free-will and/or self-respect?”
“Er.” Agent Munroe looked at the enchantress, who had crossed her arms over her chest and was glaring daggers at Coulson. “I guess I… don’t really feel anything?”
“I don’t have to take this, you know,” Lorelai said. “I can leave any time.”
“Please do,” Hill muttered.
“Can I ask what your plans for world domination actually are?” Agent Munroe asked. “Only I don’t think I could be attracted to any megalomaniac who didn’t have a solid plan for social or economic reform. Taking over the world just seems pointless, otherwise.”
“I am leaving,” Lorelai snapped, and stormed out.
“Well!” Coulson said as the door swung shut behind her. He clapped his hands together. “That could have gone worse. Well done, team.”
“Overtime for everyone!” Agent Guerro called from the back of the crowd, and there was a cheer.
“And how about you, Agent Munroe?” Coulson asked, as their small, makeshift army began to disperse. “Have you learned anything about yourself today?”
“You know,” Agent Munroe said, “I don’t think I did, sir, no.”
“Good man,” Coulson said. He clapped him on the back, and wandered off.
Agent Munroe looked around. “So, what do I do now?” he asked Hill, who was scrolling through something on her tablet. “I mean, I’m still just as uncertain as ever, really.”
“Well,” she said without looking up, “you could continue this phase of self-exploration using whatever means you’re comfortable with. Or you could come look at pictures of baby otters with me.”
She swivelled the tablet so he could see the screen.
“I think there’s still some of Agent Ramirez’s popcorn left over,” he said.
//
FIN