Chapter Text
Shit. That was the only thought going through Maya’s head. Shit. Shit. Shit! How had this happened? God, how could she have been so stupid?! She left the bathroom, slapped Jack across the face before going to hide in one of the trucks. “Shit,” She mumbled as the tears she’d been trying to keep in started to fall.
It had all started a few hours ago, around 10pm, when Vic was complaining about her period, she was sitting on the floor in Maya’s office, eating chocolate and complaining, when she mentioned, “Hey, you haven’t complained about your period in a while, what’s up with that?”
“Well, I haven’t had it in-” Maya’s face went pale and she cut herself off. She hadn’t had it since a few weeks before she slept with Jack. Fuck.
“Your period’s never been very regular Maya, maybe it’s that,” Vic tried to reassure her friend.
“Vic, there’s never more than 2 months between periods, I’m fucked.”
“Yeah, well-”
“What the hell am I supposed to do about this? Carina and I just got back into a good place and now- fuck!”
“I’m working front desk today. How about I go quickly run across the street to the Walgreens and buy you a test?” Vic offered and Maya nodded before throwing her head into her hands and mumbling, “shit.” A few minutes later, Jack came in with his face just as pale as Maya’s.
“Vic said you might be-”
“If I am, I’m going to kill you,” Maya cut him off.
“Shit. I’m sorry, Maya- I- shit.”
He stood awkwardly by the door, when Vic got back Maya was about to take the test, but the klaxon went off.
Then, a few hours later, they got back, Jack and Vic were sitting in Maya’s office while she took the test. And then waited in the bathroom for 5 minutes just for her worst fear to be confirmed. She was pregnant. God, she hoped Carina didn’t leave her. What if Carina did? SHIT! She didn’t even fucking want kids. The moment Maya saw the test she threw it out, washed her hands and quickly went to slap Jack before finding somewhere to hide. The first place she found was one of the trucks. She felt a few tears start to fall from her eyes and within a few seconds, Vic was sitting next to her.
“What the hell am I gonna do?” Maya asked, the tears started flowing even faster.
“I don’t know.”
“Shit, what if Carina leaves me?”
“She won’t. C’mon, Maya, she loves you.”
“Yeah, and she hates Jack.”
“Just talk to her about it tonight.”
“God, she’s so patient and understanding, what if I break her heart? What if I break Carina’s heart?” Maya asked almost desperately, she had stopped crying at this point, but her eyes were still red.
“You’ve already done it once before, so I mean just don’t break it as much this time,” Vic tried to joke, but she only got a death glare from Maya.
“Carina is-” Maya was cut off by the truck door opening and her girlfriend walking in with a smile, “Carina is what?”
“You’re perfect,” Maya sniffled and tried to quickly wipe any evidence of her crying from her face.
“Bella, what’s wrong?” Carina asked as she sat next to Maya.
“I- can we talk about it at home?” Maya asked Carina nodded with concern right before the klaxon went off, she pressed a soft kiss to Maya’s head before hopping out of the truck and heading to the PRT. Shit. Shit. If they broke up, Maya would still have to see the Italian’s gorgeous smile for at least 72 hours a week.
After the fire, their shifts had ended so Carina went to Maya’s apartment (she spent pretty much every night there or at the station, so it was their apartment at that point), and started to make some food, despite being exhausted while Maya stayed at the station for what she promised at most would be a half hour to finish up some paperwork.
When Maya got home the Italian’s impromptu meal of pancakes and fruits was nicely laid out. Maya felt terrible, she was just supposed to tell Carina that she was pregnant and then eat the nicely laid out meal? Was she gonna eat the meal then tell Carina? God, shouldn’t there be a book titled “Fuck, I got pregnant when I cheated on my girlfriend then we broke up then got back together then 2 months later when we’re finally in a good place again I have to break the news to her… what the hell do I do?” Since there’s not, someone should definitely write it.
“Let’s talk later,” Carina said, her eyes as sympathetic as ever. She basically read Maya’s mind. They sat and ate silently, Maya’s eyes trained on the table as she ate, Carina’s eyes studying the blonde’s face.
An hour later, despite it still being before noon, Carrina had laid down, ready to sleep after the way too long shift. She was still getting used to the whole 24 hour shifts. Carina was gonna try to stay up while Maya showered, but she found herself half asleep when Maya crawled into bed with her.
“Okay, uh, babe, I-I um- I have to tell you something,” Maya mumbled as she grabbed Carina’s hand, she laced their fingers together, squeezed, before dropping the soft hand, and drawing patterns on it.
“Hmm,” Carina hummed, her eyes still shut, as she put her hand Maya wasn’t drawing patterns on, and put it on the blonde’s hip and pulled her close so their bodies were pressed against together.
“It’s not exactly good,” Maya whispered as she traced “I love you” onto Carina’s open palm.
“What?” Carina chuckled and, as a joke, asked, “Did you sleep with Jack again?”
After a moment of silence, Carina quickly sat up and opened her eyes, “Maya! What the fuck!”
“No! No! I didn’t, I’m sorry, I didn’t,” Maya watched Carina’s body relax as she laid back down and looked at the ceiling, “But, it has to do with when I slept with Jack.”
Carina looked up and down Maya’s body before their eyes met and she stated, “You’re pregnant.”
“H-how do you know?” Maya asked, her face turning red as she broke eye contact.
“I’ve- I’ve known since we got back together, I’ve studied female anatomy, the way their bodies change. I just knew, I- I tried to deny it though,” Carina explained. All of the sudden, her thoughts started to overwhelm her. They were going around her head 1,000 miles a second, she could basically see them written out as they wrapped around her head, she felt as though they were starting to choke her. She stared at the blank wall and tried to think through her thoughts. She told herself to calm down, to just breath.
Maya was gonna have a kid with Jack. What did that mean for her and Maya? Dio, did Maya even want Carina to stay? What if- What if Maya fell in love with Jack? They were gonna have a kid together, wasn’t it inevitable at that point? She really needed a drink.
“Carina?” Maya asked, but no response from Carina. The brunette hadn’t responded, her eyes focused on the wall. In all honesty, she had been so stuck in her head she hadn’t even heard Maya.
“Car? Baby?” Maya tried again, but the same results.
“Carina!” Maya tried more firmly this time, she shook the brunette from her thoughts and their eyes met, the blonde tried to read her girlfriend’s face, but she couldn’t tell what the doctor was thinking. “Are you okay?” Maya asked nervously.
“Yeah, uhm, yeah, I’m fine.”
Maya sighed a breath of relief and pressed a kiss to Carina’s lips, after no apparent protest from the brunette, she kissed her more aggressively, she didn’t really notice, Carina not kissing her back. She quietly whispers, “I love you” against the other woman’s mouth. Carina didn’t respond and as Maya started to straddle her, she started to look to the blank wall on the left. Maya took that as her girlfriend giving her more access to her neck, so Maya leaned down to start kissing and sucking on it. Carina felt a silent tear roll from her eyes as Maya’s lips moved down her neck. Carina suddenly (but softly, she didn’t want to hurt Maya or the baby) pushed the smaller girl off of her and quickly wiped her eyes before Maya could realize what was going on.
“I have to go- uhm- I left something at Andrea’s- something really important at Andrea’s last time I visited him, I have to go grab it,” Carina said before rushing out of the bedroom, leaving Maya confused.
Two hours and at least 7 shots later, Carina suddenly realized what the hell was happening. Fuck. Maya was pregnant. Like, really pregnant. Like with a whole ass baby. Holy crap. Carina felt tears starting to well up in her eyes and rushed into the bar bathroom, forgetting to lock it in her fit of sadness. Vic, who had been drinking with the team after the long shift, noticed and followed Carina, she locked the door behind her and sat down next to the Italian.
“I’m guessing you know?” Vic assumed and Carina’s tears that had nearly stopped, started up again as she scoffed, “You knew before me?” Carina asked through the rough tears.
“Not on purpose,” Vic shrugged and pulled her arm around Carina, hugging the crying girl.
They sat silently for a few moments before Carina spoke again, “I don’t even want kids- I- Honestly, I want Maya to abort it, and I know it’s a terrible thing to say, but if she doesn’t- if she doesn’t then I have to leave her or I’ll be miserable. The thing is, if I leave her, I’m still miserable. No matter what I fucking lose!” Carina spit the last part out with a whimper, her tears starting to slow down despite the obvious pain in her voice. Vic just nodded and held her friend closer.
“No matter what, at the end of this, Maya gets Jack and a baby, and happiness. The only difference is whether or not she gets me too, and when she has the kid, if I’m not there she’ll forget me, she’ll only be able to think about her baby and fucking Jack,” Carina’s tears had fully stopped, her voice more anger-filled than sad now.
“Let me get you an Uber, you shouldn’t be talking to me about this,” Vic whispered as she pulled out her phone.
When Carina found her way to the bedroom (it took a minute, she had convinced Vic to let her take a few more shots and now she couldn’t really see anything, it was all a giant blur) and flopped into the bed.
“It took you a while to find your thing,” Maya mumbled and Carina popped up.
“You’re awake! I assumed you would’ve gone to sleep by now.”
“Clearly not, why do you smell like you had tequila poured all over you? Are you drunk?” Maya asked annoyed.
“No!” Carina lied, even though it was painfully obvious she was.
“It’s not even 5 pm yet, you’re god- how many fingers am I holding up?” Maya asked and she put three fingers up.
“Uhm- 6- wait no there’s not that many on a mano, uhm, 5?”
“3, Carina, I’m holding up 3.”
“Oopsies, dimentichiamoci di stasera, bella mia,” (let’s forget about tonight) Carina mumbled before she found herself attacking Maya’s lips with her own.
“Car- Carina! Carina stop!” Maya pushed Carina away. The brunette huffed, but listened and fell flat on the bed.
“Listen, if this is about the- the situation, can we just talk about it?”
“ The situation? Are you kidding me, Maya? You just- how could you have been stupid!? You didn’t even think about protection or- or anything about the effect- o-or about-” Carina’s voice broke, “or anything about me?”
Maya swallowed audibly, “I was only thinking about hurting you, I know that’s shitty, but it’s what happened- can we please just- where were you?”
“I was busy!”
“Please, don’t lie to me, Carina, what happened to your ‘something really important?’”
“Nothing, I got it, then I went to Joe’s to have a few drinks, I’m fine-”
“You’re not fine, Carina! You can’t just go bathe yourself in alcohol bec-”
“Because what, Maya!? I found out my girlfriend is pregnant from when she cheated on me! I needed to process and I wasn’t gonna be able to do that here!”
“Carina, I want you opinion on this, you can’t just run awa-”
“Oh like you didn’t just run away months ago!” Carina snapped. Note to future self: don’t have these conversations when drunk. Maya inhaled sharply at the jab and Carina quickly mumbled an apology.
That’s when Maya noticed it. Carina’s voice was shaky. Maya was just realizing it, but it had been since the moment she told the brunette, even when she was yelling, her voice was shaky. She was scared, Carina DeLuca was scared, a state Maya had never truly seen her in before.
“Car, I want you to stay a-and be a part of the baby’s life, a-and a part of my life. I want you to stay.”
“Okay, perfect,” Carina whispered the white lie before rolling over so her back was facing Maya. The blonde, however, noticed the brunette’s voice remained shaky and knew it was not ‘okay’ nor ‘perfect.’
“I- I know you need to process, but, so do I. I want to process with you- I want to- I wanna know what you’re thinking! I wanna process with you.”
“Can we even process together though?” Carina asked, her tone firm and a little rude.
“What do you mean?” Maya asked, confusion overtaking her.
“No matter what, you win and I lose,” Carina shrugged.
“Okay, what does that mea-”
“I’ve never wanted kids, Maya! I’ve had relationships end because of that! Except with you, maybe I do, with you, it’s different, so say I decide to stay. I’ll be miserable because I’ll get to watch, firsthand, you and Jack love on a kid that I love, but didn’t want. I have to spend a life with Jack fucking Gibson and his kid,” Carina started to cry again, her sniffing between words confirmed that and made Maya feel terrible. “So, say I leave. I ditch you and the kid. Then I’ll be miserable because I will have to watch as the love of my life happily raises a baby with her ex boyfriend. Now, say, instead I ask you to keep Jack away from the kid, what happens then? He could sue for christ’s sake! I don’t want to do anything to make you unhappy so what do I do? Do I advise you to get an abortion? Because if we’re being honest, that’s what I would prefer, but if you get an abortion only because of me then you’ll hate me and I’ll hate me and we’ll both me miserable. No matter what, you get Jack and a baby and happiness while, no matter what, I’m sono fottuto (I’m screwed). I can’t just leave, though, because what? Does that mean I don’t love you enough to raise a child with you- I- I can’t help you raise a child that constantly reminds me of when you broke my heart, so no, you don’t want to know what I’m thinking or process with me because it will hurt you!”
Maya sat silently for a moment, making sure Carina was finished. When it became obvious she was, “so no matter what you’re miserable?”
“Esattamente!”
“Well, I’m sorry to hear that a lifetime with me would make you miserable,” Maya snapped sharply. Maybe this is what was meant to happen to them, Maya would just ruin them again.
“No- dammit Maya! I’m saying a lifetime with you means a lifetime with Jack and Jack’s kid. I don’t want Jack in my life forever. I don’t even know if I want kids! Yet, here I am, being backed in a corner, once again, having to choose between your happiness and my own, and I don’t know if I can sacrifice mine again .
“Over, and over, and over, I stood by your side, even if you didn’t want me there, even when you screamed at me. I even came over the night after you yelled at me in your office so we could reconcile, so that you hopefully wouldn’t feel bad about yelling. I forgave you for cheating way before I was ready. Before all of this I stayed with you when you told me you didn’t need a girlfriend. I always put your happiness above my own and I can’t Maya. Not again. Not about this, I love you. I don’t love Jack. I don’t love this baby. I. Love. You. But I don’t love being forced into corners.”
“Okay, so what now Carina, what happens to us?” Maya asked, she tried to sound uncaring, but in reality she was really scared about what the response might be.
“I- I don’t know. I think I should spend a few nights at my place. Just reflect on what could make me the happiest. I think you should too.”
Before Maya truly knew what was happening, Carina left her, in what had been starting to feel like their bed, all alone.
One month later, Carina rushed into the hospital room asking, “Is she okay? What the hell happened?” She found Maya lying in the hospital bed as Jack stood in a corner of the room, his head in his hands. At Carina’s voice, he scoffed before starting to leave the room, making sure to punch the doorframe on his way out.
Carina looked at the blonde, they were still officially together, but they hadn’t talked a lot the past month. Maya looked sad and strong and tired and maybe even defeated? She always looked strong, but this look was different, more emotions washed out the strong than Carina had almost ever seen before
“I miscarried. Looks like it wasn’t a lose-lose for you… it actually looks like you got what you wanted,” Maya harshly spit out. Carina breathed out sadly and whispered a genuine, “I’m so sorry, bella,” before reaching for Maya’s hand only to have the latter pull it way.