Archive of Our Own

Kiss - Prince

Jump - The Pointer Sisters

Don’t You Forget About Me - Simple Minds

I Want You To Want Me - Cheap Trick 

Should I Stay Or Should I Go - The Clash

I Was Made For Lovin’ You - KISS

Here I Go Again - Whitesnake

The Look - Roxette

I Wanna Dance With Somebody - Whitney Houston

Let’s Hear It For The Boy - Deniece Williams

Get Outta my Dreams, Get Into My Car - Billy Ocean

If I Could Turn Back Time - Cher

Ben’s not sure how he feels about being classified as a mature age student . If he’d known his youth would run out before twenty-three he might have taken things a little more seriously. Spent less time in dark corners of seedy bars and more time abroad, finding himself or whatever.

Except he probably wouldn’t.

“It just means you ain’t a graduate,” Jay says with a roll of his eyes, plucking Ben’s papers out of his grasp to have a skim through. “Why didn’t ya apply to do it online?”

“Can’t,” Ben tells him, stealing it back. “Well, not all of it anyway. Need to attend a coupla classes - hopefully get ‘em done all in one day.”

Jay scoffs. “Right. Good luck with that.”

“Thanks mate, did you have anything helpful to add or?”

“Not really.” Jay grabs his empty coffee cup off the table where Ben’s got all his books and paperwork spread out. The point of his visit was to have a drink and help Ben figure out how to get all of his Uni stuff sorted - but Jay’s mostly laughed at the idea of Ben as a student and distracted him with chat about Lola. “You having dinner with us tonight?”

“Uh, yeah. Yeah I will,” Ben says. “I promised Lexi.”

“Mint. Well, see you then. Don’t forget ya nap, Grandpa.”

Ben throws a pen at him but it clatters against the wall and Jay just laughs at him all the way out the front door.

*

Ben spent about seventeen and a half years pretending he was straight. Some time in that last year he had a one night stand with his best mate and then suddenly they were pregnant and then suddenly they were becoming parents. At the time it had been the worst thing to happen to him - but six years gave him a lot of hindsight.

Lola was still his best mate and now they had Lexi and as old as it all made him feel, no. He wouldn’t change it.

He’d never regret it.

“Can I get a coffee the size of me head,” he drones at his mum when he walks into her cafe. “To go.”

“What’s wrong with you?” she says, peering at him like she might find all his problems written on his forehead. “You look terrible.”

“Cheers, mum.”

“Well you do.”

“I’ve started me course, haven’t I? Not getting a lot of sleep.”

“Aw,” she teases, reaching over the counter to pinch his cheek. “Look at my big scholar. All grown up.”

“What’dya need school for?” Tina asks when she passes to take through some dirty plates. “Aren’t you running that car lot already?”

“Technically I’m only working there. Gotta get my piece of paper to be the Owner and Operator, apparently.”

“Well I think it’s great,” Ben’s mum says as she prepares his coffee, grinning at him like he’s just won an Olympic medal. “Learn some new things, make some new friends.”

“Settle down. I’m there to get it done and get the hell out.”

“Oh but with that winning attitude you’ll be making friends in no time,” Tina teases, flicking her towel at him as she goes again. Ben turns to make a rude gesture at her but his mum growls to interrupt.

“You’re a grown up, remember,” she says with a tone.

“So people keep telling me.”

*

By the third week of online lectures, onsite classes and keeping the car lot afloat, Ben thinks he has a routine down. He’s juggling study, work, and time with Lexi to the point that he doesn’t feel like anything’s getting neglected. He’s doing well. He’s feeling good.

Then he almost runs face first into Callum Fucking HIghway.

“ Ben ?” Callum all but shouts, and Ben swears he’s grown three feet since the last time he saw him. They’re by the cafeteria at Uni, people milling past them. Someone bumps into Ben’s shoulder, forcing him from his shock.

“Halfway. What’re you - ”

“No one calls me that any more,” Callum gripes, and Ben hates that he’s too dumbstruck to think of something smart to reply with. “And I’m a student here. Obviously.”

“Right. Uh. Me too.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah,” Ben says, starting to feel more insulted than intimidated. “So what?”

Callum shrugs, and the fact his shoulders have also gotten bigger didn’t escape Ben’s attention. “You hated school.”

“I did. Still do, if I’m honest. But apparently it’s important if ya wanna run your own business.”

Callum doesn’t respond to that. He’s flickering glances at Ben but trying to avoid eye contact for the most part - Ben can see years of resentment in the lines of his forehead. He’s not sure if he understands it, or if it pisses him off.

It’s been a long time. Callum had always been a decent guy. Ben would have thought it would be water under the bridge. That maybe he’d be forgiven.

“I’ve gotta go,” Callum finally says, hitching his backpack up on his shoulder.

“Alright, well,” Ben starts to say, but Callum mutters a goodbye and pushes past to be on his way.

Ben feels like he’s been knocked off his feet.

* 

He doesn’t tell Jay and Lola about Callum. It’s stupid - they all went to school together, they were all good friends. It would make sense for Ben to tell them that Callum’s going to the same Uni as him. They might want to catch up with him, know more about his life, get to know him again.

The thought twists in Ben’s gut.

There are some things in his past he regrets.

“Daddy!” Lexi calls to him, pushing up in Ben’s face. He’d been focussed on his laptop trying to hash out a conclusion on his Marketing essay.

“Hey, Princess,” he says with a smile, but she’s frowning.

“I was talking to you and you weren’t listening.”

“You know Daddy’s busy,” he reminds her, but he puts the computer aside so he can pull her onto his lap. She’s wearing the full Disney Princess costume complete with wand and tiara - not to mention she’s got Tangled playing at maximum volume on the TV.

“And you don’t have your hearing aid in,” she reminds him, reaching for it where it’s sitting on the side table. He takes it from her with a sigh.

“Right. I forgot. Thanks, beautiful.”

Lexi watches, rapt, as Ben puts the small aid into his ear. He forgets the difference it can make with all the background noise, especially when he’s trying to zone in on something and can’t filter things out as well. 

“Now, what’d you wanna talk about?”

“Halloween!”

Ben pulls a face. “Halloween?”

“Yes. Mummy said I can go Trick or Treating if you take me - ”

“Did she now - ”

“And I already know which dress I wanna wear and I have a basket so I can gets lots of sweeties, and - ”

“Alright, alright, calm down,” he says, standing to lift her up and making her squeal as he spins her around. When he brings her back down onto his hip she’s grinning and red faced. “Princesses don’t beg, y’know.”

“So I can go?”

“Well, if mummy says you’re being very good, and eating all your veggies - ”

“I am!”

“Then I suppose we can go.”

Lexi throws her arms up in the air to cheer, and Ben starts spinning her around again just to hear that laugh.

*

As much as Ben walks around campus with his guards raised, he knows there’s not much use. It’s not a huge university, he’s bound to see Callum again whether he wants to or not. Besides, he’s a grown man. He feels stupid for looking over his shoulder just because of an old, estranged friend.

Ben’s got enough to worry about.

“You mind if I - ” a voice starts, and Ben looks up from his laptop to see Callum. Callum clearly didn’t realise he was talking to Ben, because when their eyes meet he falters. “Nevermind.”

“Half - ” Ben starts to say, then stops himself. “Callum. C’mon. Just sit.”

He’s at a two seater table in the library and it’s a busy night. Ben only stayed behind because he knew he wouldn’t have any motivation once he got home and sat down on his couch. 

Callum does, grudgingly, grabbing a chair and sitting on the opposite side of the table so they’re not elbow to elbow. Ben fights very hard not to smirk at him.

Callum doesn’t have any devices with him, just pulling out some library books and notepads to start scribbling away. It strikes Ben as a very Callum thing to do - he always preferred to write than type at a computer, even when they were kids.

Ben’s not sure why he remembers that. “What’re you studying?” he hears himself ask, noticing how Callum jolts at the sound of his voice.

“Community Services.”

“Oh. Right.” Ben nods. “That makes sense.”

“What do you mean?” Callum says, sounding defensive.

“Just, y’know, when we was at school. You were always helping people out.”

His expression softens, but there’s still tension in Callum’s shoulders as he sits up a little more, playing at the hem of his shirt. It’s a dark navy jumper that’s stark against his pale skin, hugging him in all the right places. 

Callum had always been a good looking bloke but … well he definitely grew into it. The hair - all soft and falling in his face - the blue of his eyes and the curve of his mouth … Yeah.

Ben squirms in his chair.

“Right. Someone had to keep you lot out of trouble.”

Ben huffs out a laugh, rubbing at his eye. He’s had his contacts in since early morning and they’re starting to protest. “I guess so.”

There’s another long moment of silence. Ben cuts his gaze to Callum a few times but he’s just staring at his books. Whether he’s actually reading the words is another matter.

Ben closes his laptop, surrendering.

“That’s it for me,” he says to Callum as he starts to gather his things together. He knows Callum doesn’t want him to make small talk, but maybe that’s why he’s doing it. Just getting a little perverse pleasure from it, in true Ben Mitchell fashion. “Good luck with ya work.”

“Sure,” Callum says, his shoulders hunched. Ben wants to shake him, ask him why he’s holding so tight to the past. He doesn’t. “Thanks.”

*

After coming out, Ben spent a lot of time acting like he needed to catch up. Catch up on drinking, and smoking, and hooking up with strange men in clubs or at parties. A lot of it was revenge tactics - to get back at his dad, or blokes at school, or any one that looked at him funny once they knew he preferred men.

Because he could, because bollocks to them.

“Give it a rest, would ya,” his dad would growl, seeing Ben make eye contact with a guy across a room. He’d say it low in Ben’s good ear, so no one else could hear - sometimes even hit him across the back of the head as if he needed to get the point across. “No one needs to see that garbage.”

It was funny how Ben came out of the closet but still hid behind some thin veil of acceptance. The good old ‘you can be gay just make sure you’re quiet about it’. Don’t ask, don’t tell.   

So when his dad wasn’t around or after his dad took off it had just felt so, so good to embrace it. To be touched and held and fucked by men. Tall men, strong men, thick men, hairy men. Everything his dad would hate. 

“You sure you don’t want my number?” the most recent guy asks, buttoning up his shirt and throwing Ben sharp little smirks as if he just needs convincing.

He was good, but Ben’s had better.

“Sorry, mate. I’m not really a repeat performer.” When the guy - Ben honestly can’t remember his name - goes to dispute that, Ben adds, “No, no, that was an encore.”

He smiles. “Right. Well, that’s a shame. I had fun.”

“I aim to please.”

Ben stays where he is, sitting up against the headboard as his date gets ready to leave. He accepts a kiss, sweet and lingering, the guys fingers playing at Ben’s chest as if he’s still waiting for something.

Ben’s not something to wait on.

“Bye.”

*

Ben doesn’t mind living at home with his mum. Lola and Lexi are there too, and Jay might as well move in with how often he spends the night, or how often he pops in before and after work. It’s fun - and Ben had spent a lot of his childhood in a house that had never felt like a home.

He feels like he’s making up for it, in a way.

“When was you gonna tell us you’d seen Callum Highway?” Jay asks when Ben goes down for breakfast, pointing a knife at Ben accusingly.

It’s too early for this conversation. “What?”

“Who’s Callum Highway?” Lexi asks, hair poking up this way and that and jam smeared all over her face. Ben can’t help smiling at her as he collapses into a chair.

“We all went to school with him,” Lola tells her. “Me, ya dad, and Jay.”

“All of you?”

“Yeah,” Jay goes on, still giving Ben the stink eye. “And apparently ya dad’s going to school with him again.”

“It’s not school,” Ben says with a groan, reaching for the cereal. “We don’t play together on the playground, Jesus.”

“Dad!”

“Sorry, Lex. Besides, I just forgot to mention it. Why? Did he call ya?”

“Forgot,” Jay repeats with a scoff. “I’m sure.”

“Uh, sorry,” Ben says, squinting, “Was he ya best mate or something, because I could’ve sworn that was me.”

“It’s not a pissing contest, I was friends with both of ya.”

“Alright, so, what’d’ya want from me,” Ben throws his hands up, talking with a mouth full of food. “Callum goes to me Uni, doesn’t say much, but I can get him a bloody date with you if ya want.”

Jay doesn’t bother arguing, but he doesn’t stop glaring at Ben either. Lola looks like she’s torn between being mad and being amused, and after a few beats of silence Lexi says,

“There’s lots of swearing today,” with a very pointed look at all of them.

It’s enough to tip Lola over the edge, and she’s excusing herself to go and laugh in the other room.

Ben sighs. “I need coffee.”

*

It’s not that he’s a Scrooge when it comes to holidays, but Ben’s never been a big fan of Halloween. Easter, Christmas, even St. Patrick’s Day - he doesn’t mind all that. Halloween has just never appealed to him. 

Still, the excited look on Lola’s face is enough for him to push it aside and focus on the night.

Even if he’s had to dress up like Peter Pan.

“Gorgeous,” Lola insists as she takes over a dozen photos of them in their costumes. “You’re going to get so many sweeties, I know it.”

“Laugh now,” Ben says, pointing his finger as a warning. “I’ve got twelve months to figure out what mummy gets to wear next year.” 

“And I’ve got twelve months to laugh about this year.”

Lexi’s dressed as Rapunzel (after everyone warned her that lots of kids would be dressed as Elsa), wearing a hair extension that has a flowing braid trailing on the ground. She looks cute as hell, and Ben doesn’t think he’s being bias when he says it.

“Me and Jay made a map,” Lexi says as they head out into the Square. She passes a piece of paper to Ben and, sure enough, Lexi had drawn in all the buildings while Jay had written the notes. “He said it’s the best way to go for opta - optchoo -”

“Optimal?”

“Yeah! Optim sweets collecting.”

Ben rolls his eyes. Trust Jay to treat Halloween like a football strategy. “Right. Well, let’s get going then.”

It seems like every kid in Walford is out Trick or Treating. There’s so many people around that they actually have to wait in lines to get to peoples doors. Lexi looks more excited than she does on Christmas morning, watching her bucket fill up with sparkling eyes. 

“Only a few more houses to go, Princess.”

Lexi whines, her head falling. “I don’t want it to be over.”

“I know, but just think, we still have to go home and show everyone all the things you got.”

“Yeah!”

They head up to the next door, Ben having to knock for Lexi’s gentle tapping. He’s coaching her to remember what she has to shout, when the door swings open and he’s faced with Callum Highway holding a bowl of sweets the size of his head.

“Trick or Treat!” Lexi cries, as Ben and Callum stare at each other dumbly.

“Uh, right, sorry,” Callum says, turning on a smile for Lexi and crouching down to give her a few sweets. “I like your costume. Are you Rapunzel?”

“Yeah! How’d you know?”

“I love that movie! And you’re the first Rapunzel I’ve seen tonight.”

“Really?” Lexi beams at him proudly. “Wow. What about Peter Pan? Daddy didn’t want to wear it but I told him he looked really good.”

Callum’s smile falters as he stands up to full height. He’s wearing a grey hoodie and black track pants and as much as Ben feels stupid in his outfit, he’s also struck dumb with how soft and good Callum looks.

“I haven’t seen any Peter Pan’s either. I think you guys need one more sweet. A prize for being so original.”

Lexi cheers, and Ben’s becoming more and more aware that all he’s done is stare at Callum this whole time. When Lexi tugs on his sleeve to show him her haul, he has to pull himself from his stupor. “That’s great, beautiful,” he says with a smile to Lexi. “Did you say thank you to Callum?”

“Thanks, Callum! Hey - are you Callum who went to school with mummy, daddy, and Jay?”

Callum’s expression flickers. “Uh, yeah. Yeah, that’s me.”

“And now you and daddy go to school. But not kids’ school. There’s no playground.”

Callum lets out a soft laugh that flips Ben’s stomach. He scratches at his head a little, looking both awkward and endearing. “That’s right.”

“Do you live here?”

“No, my friend Whitney lives here. I’m just visiting.”

“I know Whitney. She has nice hair!”

Callum laughs again, and makes Ben feel proud. He knows he has a great kid but it’s nice when other people recognise it. “She does. And so do you, Rapunzel.”

Lexi just grins.

“Alright, well,” Callum starts, glancing at Ben and pointing a thumb over his shoulder. “I better get back. Have fun.”

“We will!” Lexi cries, turning to go bounding down the steps. Ben gives Callum a wave as he closes the door, standing there like an idiot trying to figure out what had happened to his brain. 

Callum fucking Highway.

*

Ben got sick when he was a baby; an infection that could have done a lot more damage if his mum hadn’t caught it so soon. In the end, Ben was lucky to only lose part of his hearing. Even if it didn’t feel lucky in his early years - having big ugly hearing aids that he had to wear to school. The bullying he had to endure from other kids. 

It took a long time for Ben to be okay with it. He’s not sure he is, really, not completely. 

When someone slumps across from him at the Uni cafe, Ben thinks for a fleeting moment that it’s Callum. It’s not. It’s a girl with her hair in braids, throwing her bag onto the table.

“You right?” Ben snaps, having to save his work from falling to the floor.

“Relax,” she says with a teasing grin and, Ben realises after a moment, sign language. Her hands move as she talks to him. “You looked so lonely I thought I’d come do you a favour.”

“I …” Ben starts, blinking heavily at her. “I was trying to get work done.”

She gives him a look that says how unimpressed she is with that statement. “Wow. Very responsible of you.”

“Do I know you?”

“You do now,” she extends her hand when she stops signing, and Ben shakes it reluctantly. “Frankie.”

“Ben.”

“Hmmm. You look like a Ben. Simple, straightforward.”

“Thanks?”

Frankie laughs. “Don’t thank me, I didn’t name you. So you don’t speak BSL?”

Ben feels like he’s going to get whiplash with all the directions this conversation is taking. He figures he might as well abandon his work now. “Uh, no. I mean, a couple of things I picked up as a kid. I know the alphabet.”

“Why don’t I teach you?” It doesn’t sound like a question, and Ben can’t help letting out a surprised huff.

“I just met you.”

Frankie shrugs. “So? It’s always better to sign when you’re in big, crowded rooms like this. Doesn’t it bother you?”

“How’d you …” Ben squirms uncomfortable in his seat. “How did you know I’m hard of hearing?”

“Was walking past, saw you fiddling with your aid. Is it new?”

“No. Just … not used to being …”

“In big, crowded rooms,” Frankie finishes for him smugly, and Ben rolls his eyes. She just laughs at him. “Anyway, I’m hungry. You want anything?”

“No, thanks.”

Frankie gets up to go, then slams her hand down on her bag, making Ben jump. She points at him, grinning, “Don’t steal anything.”

Ben holds his hands up. “I swear.”

Frankie brings up both hands to do a firm, solid sign. “Swear.”

Ben copies her and she laughs, doing a thumbs up. “See? Easy.”

*

There’s still a picture of him and his dad sitting on the mantel. He’s still got some of his things, and some of the things his dad gave him. Ben knows it’s the saddest part about it, really - that his old man can all but wipe Ben from his life while Ben still struggles to do the same. 

Ben’s a father, though, and that’s a legacy. Even if it’s not a great one. He doesn’t want Lexi to grow up with questions Ben can’t answer.

“Not today,” Ben tells his mum when she stops in at the car lot. He’s on hold on the phone, and signing off some paperwork and there’s a stack of other documents he still hasn’t looked over yet.

“What?” Kathy protests, holding up a bag. “I can’t bring me boy some lunch now and then?”

“No, mum, not when it’s usually paired with some sorta pep talk,” he argues, but holds his hand out for the food. “Or you’re trying to set me up with ya mate’s son who likes to collect dead bugs.”

“That was one time!” She slumps into the chair opposite Ben’s desk, throwing the bag down unceremoniously. “And I promised I wouldn’t do it again, didn’t I?”

“And yet somehow I don’t believe you,” Ben teases, hearing the click of the hold button on the other end of the phone line and a voice speak out. “Yeah, hi, my name’s Ben MItchell I’m calling from Mitchell Motors …”

With credit to his mum, she sits there for as long as it takes Ben to finish his phone call. She peers around the office like she’s filing things away to lecture him about later - but still. He’ll give her the benefit of the doubt.

“Alright, what’s going on?” he asks after he hangs up.

“Nothing!”

“You’re full of it. I know that look, I inherited that look. What’re you up to?”

Kathy sighs, slumping more and folding her arms. “I came for your advice. Business and … personal.”

“Personal?” Ben repeats, pulling a face. “Oh, mum, I’m not screening ya boyfriends, come on.”

“Oh, shut up Ben, I meant … I’m opening up a bar.”

“You’re what?”

“A gay bar,” she presses on, and Ben is not repsonsible for the horrified noise he makes before calling,

“A what ?”

“Well, it’s just what this town needs, ain’t it? A bit of colour, diversity … all that.”

Ben drops his head to the desk with a clunk, groaning into the cavern of his arms. And all his despair. “What’d I do to deserve all this, huh?”

“Oh, please .”

*

It becomes very obvious, very fast, that there aren’t enough waking hours in the day. Between Lexi, and work, and study and class - not to mention his mum deciding him and Tina are her new consulting team on this bizarre endeavour of hers - some days Ben forgets to eat, and barely sleeps, and the thin veil of ‘managing’ seems to be fading quickly.

It’s when he’s rushing to class that he sees Callum again.

The smart thing would be to keep rushing. Class is in five minutes, if that, and for some unknown reason all these people seem to believe a little too much on punctuality.

Except Ben’s not smart. He goes over to where Callum’s sitting on an outdoor bench with coffee and a book. He’s wearing tight jeans and a crisp shirt and Ben can’t decide if he looks better like this or like he did the night of Halloween. Soft and pliable.

He’s weak.

“Hi,” is all he manages to say when he gets within earshot, Callum looking up to see him. He doesn’t smile, but it’s not really a frown either. Ben counts it as progress. “I’m just heading to a PR class, saw you here.”

“Right,” Callum says with a nod. “Hi.”

“So you’re … you’re still close to Whitney, then? Whitney Dean.”

“Yeah, I am. We managed to keep in touch.”

“That’s good. And I heard you’ve talked to Jay, too. That’s good,” Ben stutters on, knowing he sounds like an absolute idiot but unable to stop himself. “Jay was happy to hear from ya.”

“I’m glad,” Callum says. “It seems like he’s doing well.”

“Absolutely. But that’s Jay, hey. Always landed on his feet.”

There’s a pause. As usual, Callum’s not giving Ben much to go on. As a kid he was always happy and chatty and kind - as an adult, there’s not a single soul who speaks poorly of him. He seems like the type who’d give a lot.

Probably out of Ben’s league if he’s honest with himself but … he’s never been good at that.

“Look, I really have to go, but .... d’ya think we could grab a drink some time? I could give you my number and ....” Ben stops talking when he notices that Callum’s tight expression has now morphed into something else. Amusement, disbelief.

“Seriously?” he says, peering at Ben like he’s just told a joke in bad taste. Ben does that a lot, sure, but he thought he was being pretty genuine just now. 

“What?”

“You’re asking me out?”

“Well I wasn’t gonna call it a date, exactly,” he says slowly, which they both know is a lie. “I just thought we could catch up, y’know, see where things went.”

“Wow. Ben Mitchell, asking me out. Am I supposed to be flattered?”

Ben feels it like a blow, body tensing for protection. “Callum, I - ”

“You what? Thought I’d be holding some torch for you?”

“No, I just … I like ya, and - ” 

“You don’t even know me.”

Ben doesn’t know what to say. It’s not like he can argue with that - aside from Uni, he really has no idea who Callum Highway is any more. “I guess I’d like to,” he says in a quiet voice, trying for a mile and failing. 

“That’s really nice, Ben,” Callum says snidely, finally standing up but not moving any closer. Ben’s glad for it. “Different to when I was 16 and I came out to ya, don’t ya think?”

“Callum - ”

“Or when I told you I loved you, huh?” This time Callum’s voice gets louder, his cheeks going red from his anger. “But no, you didn’t wanna know me then. You told me to fuck off, and refused to talk to me after that. Or did ya forget?”

“No, but,”

“I don’t want to get a drink, alright?” Callum says, as if Ben needs that spelled out at this point. “I don’t … I don’t want anything.”

Ben watches him stomp off in the direction of the library, waiting until he’s out of sight before trying to catch his breath again. 

Ben’s made a lot of mistakes in his life, especially with men.

It was only a matter of time before it caught up with him.

*

Weeks pass. Christmas looms closer, which is good because he gets a break from school and bad because work is busier than ever. Not to mention the continuous demands from Lexi about what she’s going to need Santa to get her for being such a good girl all year.

Ben can’t dispute it, but Santa’s not as well off as he was last year when he didn’t have leases and rent and school fees and every other surprise bill they didn’t warn you about as a kid.

Lexi won’t mind having less, but Ben will mind the fact he can’t give her everything she wants.

“What’s wrong with you lately?” Jay asks him as Ben starts on his fourth pint of the night. They were only supposed to be getting dinner but Ben had other plans.

“Nothing,” Ben says, wiping his face with a hand before gulping at his drink again. “Just swamped with everything.”

“Right, so it’s not about the barney you and Callum had?”

Ben sloshes his beer down his front, choking. “What - no. There was no barney.”

“Not what I heard.”

“Yeah, well”. Ben wipes angrily at his shirt with some serviettes. “What you heard was wrong.”

Jay gives him a knowing look, playing at the condensation on his glass, his thumb rolling over it. Ben knows all his little tells by now - there’s a lot he wants to say, and he knows Ben’s not gonna like it. “He’s right y’know. About how you treated him back then.”

“Did I say anything?” Ben snaps, on the defensive as soon as Jay talks. He knows how Jay feels about it; he knew back then and he hasn’t forgotten now. He doesn’t need everyone ramming it down his throat.

“No, I’m just sayin’. The two of you were …” Jay trails off, but it’s not like he has to remind Ben. He was there.

“It was a long time ago,” Ben says, because he’s in denial. “We’ve both gotten on with our lives. I thought maybe we could … move on.”

“With a date?”

“It weren’t a date! I just asked him for a drink.”

“Sounds like a date.”

Ben growls, ready to fight about it despite how pointless it would be - but his phone buzzes on the table giving him some reprieve.

It’s Frankie. 80s party saturday night

that’s nice?

we’re going. I’m gonna be boy george so don’t even think it

Ben rolls his eyes and quickly taps out a reply, saying, I wasn’t think anything cus I’m not going

yeah you are, you’ll make a great madonna

He can’t help but huff at that, a smile almost on his lips and threatening to expose him. free booze?

course

fine.  

*

No one warns you that making friends as an adult is really hard. Once you leave school, and those friend groups start to fall apart - all you’re left with is the close ones. The forever ones. That’s what Jay and Lola are, really (although with Lexi in the mix they were always going to be woven together).

Ben’s just lucky to have gone back to study, to have found Frankie.

Or, more specifically, to have let Frankie find him..

“Top Gun,” she says for the upteenth time that night as they pull up in the ride share for the party. Ben gets his card out to pay the driver. “Hundreds of eighties icons and you go with Tom Cruise. Ugh.”

“Val Kilmer,” he argues as they get out of the car, calling across to her, “Tougher and buffer.”

“Buff?” she laughs, using sign language. Her hair is out, long and covered in small braids here and there, and it all flies about her as she talks. “You ain’t buff anything, mate.”

Ben clutches at his chest. “Wounded. Now stop talking and find me some beer.”

It is loud inside the house. Ben’s glad to be here with Frankie who knows to stick to his good side and make sure he can see her speak. He tries to use a little sign language as they chat together on some strangers couch, but Frankie mostly just smirks at his attempts.

Still, it gives him a chance to learn a few things.

Every now and then some drunken students - definitely not mature age by the look of them - asks them what they’re doing and if Frankie can teach them a sign, but she doesn’t seem too bothered by it. She’s obviously used to it.

It’s while she’s showing a girl dressed as the chick from Pretty In Pink how to sign ‘ducky’ that Ben spots Callum across the room. He’s got a generic outfit on - black leather jacket, white tee, denim jacket and his hair slicked back - but he looks gorgeous.

Callum spots him too. He frowns, and dissolves into the crowd.

“You alright?” Frankie asks, coming to sit closer once their visitors are gone. 

“I need another drink,” he tells her, downing the last of his bottle in one go. She pulls a face at him but doesn’t argue.

They have another drink and chat - with each other and with the curious onlookers - before feeling loose limbed enough to start dancing amongst the hoards of people. 

It’s during Prince (of all things) that Frankie decides to get tangled with some tall glass of water dressed as Indiana Jones and Ben decides to escape outside for a drink and fresh air. It’s not easy to find his way around a place he doesn’t know and didn’t explore when he was sober - but he manages to get onto the back patio.

Where, of course, Callum’s sitting around with a group of people.

Ben just laughs to himself and perches in a corner on his own. He’s not stumbling drunk but his guards are definitely down and if he lets himself get too close, he knows he’ll just do something stupid. It’s how he’s wired.

“You ain’t subtle.” Callum appears from nowhere, swallowing down his own drink and looking at Ben like he’s breaking the law. He’s close enough that Ben can smell him, cologne, or gel, or who knows what but Ben wants to inhale it, taste it.  “Standing around waiting for me.”

“It ain’t like that,” Ben says, but true to form he’s smirking at Callum teasingly. Being open and honest didn’t work out so well last time. “Just needed some air.”

“Sure.”

“What’re you dressed as, anyway? Grease ain’t 80s.”

“I’m the Terminator.”

Ben does a good job of not laughing. “Where’s your gun?” he asks, before realising that sounds like a come on and covering up with another gulp from his beer.

“What, like you put a lot of effort into yours?”

“What’s wrong with it?” he protests, looking down at himself. The coveralls had come from work, and he’d managed to get a few stick on patches to make it look a little more authentic. Not to mention the combat boots he’d borrowed off his nephew. “I got invited last minute, I thought I did alright.”

Callum just scoffs at him, still holding onto his beer like it’s going to save him from something. “Whose party is this, anyway?”

“I got no idea. I’m surprised you don’t know.”

“A bloke from Uni asked me,” he says with a shrug, then looks at Ben. Looks right into his eyes. It’s not a pressure Ben’s used to. He’s not sure he can stand it. “I saw you in there, chatting with that girl.”

“Frankie.”

“She was using sign language.”

“Yeah, well. She’s deaf,” Ben says, feeling dumb. “So what?”

“So you never wanted to do that at school. Didn’t want people knowing about your hearing, you said.”

“School was a long time ago.”

Callum seems to hold onto a deep breath, eyes back and forth to Ben like he’s searching for something. “Things change, huh?”

“Yes. People change.”

“Right,” Callum’s eyes cast down now. He plays at his bottle, his grip stil tense and tight. “So now you’ve accepted you’re gay, and ya hard of hearing, and you’re just this good guy who never - ”

“No,” Ben cuts in, not sure why he reaches for Callum and not sure it’s a good idea. His fingers dig into Callum’s forearms. “I ain’t a good guy, not always, but … I ain’t hiding no more either. Don’t that count for something?”

Ben grunts when his back hits the wall, he gasps as Callum’s open mouth presses to his, tongue warm and sour with the booze. He grabs handfuls of Callum’s jacket, rocks into the heady feeling of Callum’s hand ghosting across his waist, his lower back, pushing in.

Pushing.

Callum pushes him again, but this time it’s to make space between them. “No,” he says with a sharp shake of his head, not looking at Ben as he says it again, “No, we can’t.”

He walks away again, and Ben just lets him.

*

There’s a lot of people in Ben’s life he doesn’t deserve. While the loss of Callum is only really starting to set in, he’s just lucky that it hadn’t been a lot more people who he’d pushed out of his life. His mum, who put up with so much anger and aggression and stupidity that it would have been easier to send him away.

Jay, who listened to Ben cry and repent one minute and then watched him go out and do horrid things the next. And Lola, who not only got caught up in Ben’s crusade to be a strong, manly Mitchell but also had to endure allegations like lying, and betrayal, and sleeping around.

Ben told Callum the truth. He’s not a good guy.

Except he’s a better man. And he has to believe it. Know it. For his family’s sake.  

“Jay told me about Callum Highway,” Lola decides to bring up randomly as the two of them have lunch with Lexi in the cafe. Lexi’s busy colouring in some Disney Princesses, and doesn’t seem as interested in their conversation as she’d normally be.

“Oh yeah, which part?”

“There’s more than one?”

“Sure,” Ben says with a shrug, adding more salt to his chips. “Callum resents me for pushing him away in school, for lying about the fact that I liked him more than a mate.”

“Yeah, that part I got.”

“Then I saw him at a party and he snogged me before changing his mind and pushing me away.”

Lola’s eyes look like they’re going to fall out of her head. “Wow.”

“I’m surprised he didn’t tell you, since he seems to share everything with Jay.”

“Yeah, with Jay. Not me. I think he hates me because of the whole getting pregnant with the love of his life thing.”

Ben rolls his eyes. “One, Callum don’t hate any one but me, and Two, I’m definitely not that.”

Lola reaches over to pat Ben’s hand, pulling a teasing face. “You keep telling yaself that, love.”

“I like Callum Highway,” Lexi says, making Ben and Lola whip their heads around to look at her. “I met him when we was Trick or Treating. He gave me lots of sweets.”

“Aww, that was nice of him, babe,” Lola says, pushing away some hair from Lexi’s face. 

“Is he your friend, Daddy?”

Ben lets out a heavy sigh and shoves some food into his mouth. “Not really, princess.”

“Oh. Why not?”

“Because he ain’t giving daddy any sweeties,” Lola says with a grin, crying out as Ben kicks her under the table.

*

Before Uni, Ben was always a last minute kind of guy. Clean up once the mess wasn’t livable, lodge paperwork on the very last day at the very last hour; wait until you desperately need that food item before going to the supermarket to get it. 

Holidays are no exception. And Ben hasn’t really gotten much better at it. Last minute decorating, last minute shopping, last minute to decide what they’re doing on Christmas Day, who they’re doing it with, and what they are going to eat.

Mostly he’s fallen back on his mum.

It’s why he’s a few days out from Christmas Eve, in town, buying Lexi’s gifts. Lola had given him a long list and told him in no uncertain terms that he wasn’t getting everything on it. She’d always been the tougher parent - but she’d had to be. Ben wasn’t always so hands on, or in their lives so much.

Lola had to fend for their daughter alone.

“Ben,” someone says from behind him, as he stands in front of a row of dolls and tries to decide which one specifically he’s meant to be getting. They’ve all got different names, and clothes, and accessories - even Ben isn’t this put together and apparently he’s a real person.

When he turns, it’s to see Whitney Dean, a hesitant smile on her face. “Oh, hey,” he says awkwardly, trying to make sure he doesn’t bang his shopping cart into anything. “How are you?”

“I’m good, thanks. Doing the same as you I s’pose, last minute shopping.”

“Yep, absolutely,” Ben agrees, looking into his fast-filling trolley. “Making sure Santa does right by Lexi.”

“Those are big shoes to fill, Santa’s.”

“Tell me about it. Gets all the glory for none of the work.”

They share another overly polite smile, the air getting a little more suffocating the more they stand there. He sees Whit around Walford now and then, and they say hello sure, but they’re not friendly. They don’t really stop to have a chat.

“Look, Ben, about Callum.”

Right, Ben thinks, there it is. “Yeah?”

“It’s just … I think he just needs some time to get his head around things y’know.”

“What things?”

“Just that … you’re not the bloke he remembers,” she says, and as awkward as it is he knows her smile is genuine. That she’s only trying to be nice. “I told him he forgets we was just kids. We all did dumb things.”

“Course.”

“But he loved ya, y’know,” she goes on, and hearing those words again makes Ben swallow down on razors. Makes his gut turn. He hadn’t really listened when Callum said it, hadn’t wanted to hear it maybe. He’d cared about him a lot, too, but back then the thought of loving another guy was just not something he could accept.

Love still scares him.

“It still hurts, for him. I guess he held onto all that, took it to heart. He never could let it go.”

“Yeah, I got that.”

“Just … just give him some time, yeah? He might come round.”

*

Christmas and the New Year pass without any real fuss. It’s nice to have more time at home with Lexi, and to celebrate the holidays with his family. Kathy stays home with Lexi on New Years Eve while the three grown ups head to the Vic for their annual party.

Ben kisses Jay at midnight, and Lola a moment after, before saying goodbye and going to hook up with some bloke on Grindr. He’s tall, dark haired and lovely and a proper shag, too, and Ben counts it as a good way to get the year started.

By the time he gets black to Uni, he’s already drowning in work. There’s assignments due, and exams coming up, not to mention the extra classes he had to take on.

“Oi,” Frankie says when she finds Ben in the library, pushing at his shoulder to get his attention. “We was supposed to be meeting over at the caff.”

“RIght, sorry,” Ben groans, looking at his watch. “Just trying to get me head around all this.”

“You want me to get coffee, then?” she asks, signing. “Bring it back here?”

“Really? You don’t mind?”

Frankie rolls her eyes, hitching her bag up from her back to grab out her purse. “Sure, I always offer favours I don’t wanna give.”

“You gonna come back and do some work with me for a while?” Ben asks, using a few BSL words he’s picked up, come back , and work . 

“Uh, no, because unlike you, I don’t like to punish myself with studying every minute of the day.”

“It’s not a choice!”

When a tall figure comes to stand by their table, they both look up to see Callum. He’s wearing his usual Uni attire - a dark hoodie and light jeans - and he looks awkward but soft. He smiles at Frankie.

“Hi,” he says, using the universal waving sign.

Frankie leers, and Ben tries not to scoff. “ Hello. ”

“Frankie,” Ben says, waiting to have her attention. “This is Callum. We used to go to secondary school together. Callum, Frankie.”

“Nice to meet you,” Callum says, and to Ben’s shock, actually signs the whole sentence. If Frankie was impressed before, now it’s through the roof.

“And he speaks BSL,” she says as she signs back. “Where’s Ben been hiding you?”

Callum just lets out a little laugh, ducking his head. It hasn’t escaped Ben’s attention that he’s barely looked at him - despite the fact he was the one to come over here. Ben’s fingers clench at his thigh. “Uh, I only know a little,” he admits. “Learnt some back at school, y’know …”

“Right,” Frankie says slowly, looking from Callum to Ben and back again. “Ben doesn’t bother but his friends do. Why doesn’t that surprise me?”

“Alright,” Ben protests, giving her a look that he’s sure she can decipher. Stop now.

“Anyway, I was just going to get some coffee. You want anything, Callum?”

“No, no, I just saw you over here and thought I’d come say hi.”

“Cool, well. Let’s keep in touch, yeah?” Frankie offers, because apparently she’s making it her mission to be friends with everybody on campus by the time she graduates. Callum doesn’t seem fazed though, just smiling and nodding politely.

“Sure, that’d be nice.”

Frankie waves goodbye and heads out, leaving Ben and Callum together in their awkward silences as usual. Callum doesn’t move to go, or even attempt to sit down. He just stands there shuffling his feet.

“BSL, hey?” Ben says before he can stop himself. Callum looks at him but then quickly glances away. He huffs.

“Yeah, well, thought it might come in handy.”

“It’s starting to become a lot more popular now. Lexi even petitioned to have them teach it at her school.”

Callum smiles at the floor. “She seems like a good kid.”

“She is. She’s great.”

Ben starts to say something - he’s got no idea what - as Callum’s saying, “Well, I should ...” and they both stop. They look at each other and then look away.

Ben feels like a lost teenager again. “Yeah, I should get back to this.”

“Right. Well. See ya.”

“Bye.”

*

Kathy’s just a few weeks out from the grand opening of her bar. The Prince Albert, it’s so fittingly called - and Ben can’t help but feel mortified that it’s his own mother who is running things. As proud and comfortable as he is with his sexuality and his sex life, he doesn’t need his mum in his peripheral when he’s trying to hook up.

Still, she’s not wrong. Walford did need something like this. The commute into town to go to gay bars is not only long and expensive, it’s also a pain when you’re an out of towner looking for somewhere to get a little privacy.

Ben gets desperate and careless from time to time, but if he has another option he’ll always pick a bed over a dirty side street.

“Can you check over these resumes for me,” his mum asks when they’re at the bar, supposed to be doing inventory. She drops a stack of papers in front of him.

“I thought you were done with staffing.”

“I was! Until one of the barmen decided to quit. Now I’m back to square one.”

“Great,” Ben groans, but takes the papers anyway and adds it to all the other things he needs to get done. While Tina had very excitedly agreed to become the manager of the bar, he knows it wouldn’t be a bad idea to try and suggest that she can be the one to look over these. The last few days she’s looked ready to murder any one who so much as looks at her funny.

“I know,” his mum groans as she slumps down next to Ben at the table. She buries her face in her hands. “I bit off more than I can chew. I know.”

“I mean, yeah,” Ben agrees, not wanting to lie to her. “It was a big task to take on.”

“I just wanted …” she starts, then gives up. It doesn’t matter, Ben knows what she means.

“Something different.”

“Yeah. Something more.”

“I get it. It’s how I felt about the car lot, and Uni.”

Kathy smiles, reaching over to cover Ben’s hand with her own. “You’re doing amazing, my boy. A better man than your dad could ever be.”

“Mum.”

“Sorry, but it’s true. I’m so proud of you.”

“Thanks. I’m proud of you, too.”

Kathy pulls a face, and laughs. “Say that again when this place is finally running.”

“It will,” Ben tells her with certainty, bringing his hand up to give her shoulder a little shake. “It looks great, and people are going to love it. I promise ya.”

“Oooh, I hope so,” she says with a shake of her head, looking around at what she’s achieved. Ben does feel proud, and his heart feels full. As embarrassing as it might be - it’s also a wonderful gift. To be accepted, and supported, and embraced.

“I know I do,” he tells her, and when she looks at him with a smile he sees that her eyes are a little teary.

Ben smiles back. 

*

When they were nine, Ben and Jay tried to outdo each other by climbing on the roof of Ben’s house and seeing who could jump the furthest. They never found out because Jay jumped first and broke his leg in three places and they were both grounded for so long they didn’t see each other for weeks.

Throw in more stupid stunts, and drunken incidents, and one or two joy rides that they really shouldn’t have walked away from, and that’s them in a nutshell. Jay’s his brother. They weren’t related, not by biology, but they were flesh and blood.

Ben was so lucky.

“Simmer!” Jay shouts over Ben’s shoulder as they make dinner in Kathy’s kitchen. “Simmer is not boil, Ben, Christ.”

“Alright, alright, don’t get ya panties in a twist,” Ben says around a laugh, moving the saucepan off the heat and stirring the sauce. They’re only doing a simple bolognese but Jay has to make everything a Project. 

“If we end up getting a pizza I’m blaming you.”

“Don’t worry, no one’s going to think it was you, Mr. Masterchef, who ruined the food.”

Jay just kicks him as he passes Ben to go back to his homemade garlic bread. He’s got butter and herbs and a loaf the size of his head all prepped and ready to go. He really is ridiculous.

“Callum’s been asking about you,” he says after a pause, making Ben’s shoulders tense. “A lot.”

“That’s nice.”

“That’s all you’re gonna say?”

“Hey,” Ben says, pointing a dropping wooden spoon at Jay. “Every time I speak that name I get in trouble, alright? So I’m staying out of it.”

“I don’t think ya can choose to stay out of something that’s about you.”

Ben just shrugs. He’s always saying and doing the wrong thing where Callum’s concerned, so he’s minding his own business. Besides, Callum really does bring out the worst in him; feelings and frustrations and fears that he just doesn’t have the time and energy to address.

“He asked me for ya number.”

“He did not,” Ben sputters, abandoning the stupid bolognese now and turning on Jay.

“Okay, no, not in so many words, but …”

“Jesus, you’re the worst.”

“I gave it to him,” Jay says, gritting his teeth like he’s waiting for Ben to leap on him. Ben’s mouth is agape with his shock, his fingers curling into fists and pinching at his palms.

“What the hell?” Ben says slowly, his voice starting to rise. “Last time I got dragged across hot coals for asking him for a drink and now you’re giving him my number?”

“That was last year!”

“Oh, sorry, I didn’t know we were running to a schedule!”

“It was all fresh back then,” Jay shouts back, all their hard work left forgotten on the counter. “But things have relaxed a bit now so - ”

“So it’s okay to tell the guy who hates me to give me a call?”

“Oh don’t be dramatic, he doesn’t hate you!”

“Right, he adores me, that’s why he can barely stand to look at me.”

“I thought you like the guy, what’s the problem?”

“My problem is I got the message the first time. Who are you, my pimp?”

“What the hell is going on in here?” Lola yells over the top of them as she comes clattering into the kitchen. They both stop to look over at her, like deers in headlights. “Your daughter is in the next room, y’know. What’re you playing at?”

They both mumble their sorries, like little chastised children. Again, that’s Ben and Jay, always getting into trouble. They turn and get back to what they were doing - Ben glad to find the sauce hadn’t stuck to the bottom.

“It just seems like you two need to work stuff out,” Jay says eventually, closing the oven door once he’s put the bread in to bake. “I guess he’ll let you know if he wants to.”

Ben stirs the sauce. “Sure.”

*

Callum was new to Walford when they started year seven. He was a shy kid with big ears who wore hats wrong and dressed in clothes too big for him. It was Jay who’d been the one to take him under his wing, introduce him to the group - but it was Ben that Callum had stuck to.

Which wasn’t the whole truth. They’d stuck to each other.

Where Ben was brash and abrupt, Callum was quiet and polite. Where Ben was cocky and confident, Callum was shy and apologetic. Where Ben would say and do whatever he pleased and not worry about who he offended, Callum always wanted to keep the peace.

Ben thinks it was that, more than anything, that made Ben like him so much. His softness and sweetness; always caring and tender with other people regardless of who they were. Ben hadn’t had someone like that in his life. Especially not a boy, or a man.

Ben just wanted to be around him. To always feel seen, and appreciated and cared for. He’d wanted it so much and then one day he had it. One day he had Callum offer it all to him. His heart, and his love.

But Ben had been too cowardly to take it.

“Ben!” a voice calls out as he heads through the Square, finishing work early to grab Lexi from school. It’s Whitney, waving him over to her little clothing stall she’d started last year and had been doing quite well from what he’d heard.

He’s confused about why she’d want to see him right up until he realises Callum’s sitting at the back of the stall looking like a trapped animal.

“Alright?” he asks, smiling at Whitney and nodding at Callum. Callum nods back.

“Sorry, just saw ya passing,” Whitney says with a smile. “Thought you might finally come look at my stuff after all this time.”

“Yeah, for sure I …” Ben scratches at his head, not sure how he can make ‘wasn’t really interested’ sound a little nicer. He’s not sure why he feels the need to be nice. Well.

“I know, you’re a busy man,” Whitney teases, giving him a little slap on the arm. “Callum’s always going on about how much work he’s got to do.”

“It’s true,” Ben says with a nod, risking a look at Callum who he catches looking back. He ducks his head. “I didn’t realise how much I’d have to do, y’know.”

“Trust me, I got a taste of it once I decided to do this,” Whit tells him, motioning to the clothes hung up around her. He’s not really a connoisseur of women’s fashion, but he can appreciate good work when he sees it. “But it’s worth it, in the end.”

“That’s what I keep telling myself.” Ben smiles. “Hey, speaking of hard work paying off, have you heard about The Albert?”

“Oh, is that your mum’s new bar?”

“Yeah. We’re having the big opening next weekend. You guys should come.”

“Absolutely! Hey,” Whitney turns and gives Callum a little nudge with her foot. It’s clear that he’s been listening to them, but he looks up feigning surprise anyway. “You remember me telling you about Kathy opening that gay bar here in town?”

“Oh, yeah,” he says, finally looking at Ben. “That’s really cool. How’s it going?”

“Good. I was just telling Whit, you should come to the opening. Next weekend.”

“Oh, right,” Callum’s expression shutters, and his lips go thin. “Yeah.”

“We’ll definitely be there. Thanks, Ben.”

“Course. It’ll be a great night.”

They say their goodbye, Ben managing to get a little wave out of Callum before he turns to go. As he walks out of the Square he finally lets out a breath and tries to will his heart to stop stampeding in his chest.

*

Lexi started walking when she was thirteen months old, and Ben wasn’t there to see it. She got sick with a virus when she was almost two, and while Lola spent the night in the A&E Ben was hooking up with some guy from online. She lost her first tooth before she turned five and put it under her pillow with a note to the tooth fairy that he didn’t get to see for weeks.

Ben’s missed out on a lot of things in her life and he’s determined he’s not going to let it happen any more. He was there for her first day of school, and saw her in their production of The Little Mermaid, and he took off the whole of the holidays so they could redecorate her room together.

He knows it’s only little things, but he also knows (having Phil Mitchell for a father) all those things add up. 

“Now you do this,” Lexi is saying as she shows Ben some new moves she’s been learning in her dance class. Ben had been the same at her age, always loved dancing - and he’d told Lola he wanted her to be able to do any class she wanted. Gymnastics, ballet, hip hop, ballroom, anything.

Ben didn’t want her to think there was anything she couldn’t do.

“Like that,” Ben says, trying to twist his hips and move his arms in the way that she’d shown him, but only making her laugh.

“No, daddy!” 

They’re blasting a Little Mix playlist on Spotify that he’s sure the neighbours are really appreciating, and as usual she’s all dressed up like she’s about to go to a dance recital. They’ve moved the coffee table out of the way and freed up space in the lounge and soon they’re just rolling around on the floor together while Lexi squeals at him for being “unprofessional”.

When Ben’s phone buzzes in his pocket he has to tickle her to get him off her.

It’s a message from an unknown number, and Ben clicks on it to read, 

ben, it’s callum. can we meet?

Ben’s heart hammers in his chest as he types back, whether it’s from the rough housing or from the fact Callum wants to meet up with him, well. Ben wouldn’t admit. 

can’t right now, with my daughter.

any time’s fine.

Ben gnaws at his bottom lip. tomorrow at uni? got class at 2, meet for coffee before?

sure , Callum replies, short and simple, but as Ben is going to put his phone back it buzzes again. thanks . 

*

Ben was in love once. A bloke called Tim who’d made a flying visit to Walford and charmed Ben into following him to Scotland for a few days. Days had turned into weeks until Ben had made the stupid mistake of revealing himself. Telling Tim he’d never felt like this before, he never wanted it to end, he was sure that he was falling for Tim and that Tim felt the same way.

He didn’t. And with respect to Tim he’d been nice about it, too.

That didn’t stop it from hurting. Ben was nineteen and in a foreign country and suddenly alone. More alone than he’d ever been, even before he’d come out. He’d done the one thing he’d promised himself he wouldn’t do again: get attached.

That was the first and last time.

“I just got it black,” Callum says when they meet the next day at the Uni cafeteria. He puts some milk and sugar on the table too, for Ben to have, pushing it over. “Hope that’s alright.”

“Yeah, that’s good,” Ben says with a nod, taking it. “Thanks.”

They fix their drinks in silence, Ben stirring at his stupidly like that might help him think of what he’s going to say. It might be there’s so many things he can’t choose just one. It might be that they’re all so exposing he couldn’t actually say them out loud.

“Look,” Callum finally says, shocking Ben from his thoughts. “Since we met up again I’ve gotten closer with Jay, and Whit, and even Lola.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“So I figured … well we’ll probably be seeing a lot of each other, y’know?”

“Sure. I mean, that’s good.”

“Right, well,” Callum says with a sigh. “I just wanted to clear the air and all that. Clean slate or whatever.”

Ben nods slowly, playing at his coffee cup. He cuts glances at Callum, who’s watching him closely for a change. “I’d like that.”

Callum seems to let go of some tension in his shoulders, slumping down a little in his chair. He’s dressed like Student Callum, comfortable but smart. Attractive as ever. “Okay, well…”

“Callum,” Ben starts, feeling the words start to flow over now, a dam breaking. “I just wanna say that I’m sorry I hurt you like that when we was kids. It was a long time ago and I ain’t that bloke any more but that don’t mean it didn’t affect you, and that it ain’t important. You were my friend, my best friend, and … and you didn’t deserve it.”

“Ben,” Callum says a little breathlessly, eyes a little red as he drops his head to gather himself. Ben feels the admissions like wool in his throat, can’t say more, can’t swallow it down. “That’s … that means a lot.”

“I’m just sorry I didn’t say it before,” Ben says with a little shrug, daring to take a sip of his coffee at last. 

“Still,” Callum looks up at him with a smile and it feels like it might be the most genuine once he’s ever got. It makes Ben’s insides flutter. “I appreciate it. Thanks.”

*

Before the car lot, Ben had worked for years in his old man’s garage. It had been one of the few things they’d had in common, their love of cars; and maybe it was that, or maybe it just came natural, but understanding cars was just easy to Ben. 

He could read them like a book.

Jay had worked with Ben back then, but for him it was a necessity. A means to an end. These days he was managing a small IT shop because the same way Ben knew motors Jay knew computers. Which came in handy when Ben was both a student and in charge of a business.

“Did I mention you owe me,” Jay grumbles as he sits bleary eyed at Ben’s desk looking over some corrupt files that Ben may or may not have accidentally downloaded when he opened up a weird email.

He never said he was good at the technical stuff.

“Yeah, yeah, I’ll buy you a drink at The Albert on Saturday,” Ben says, bored, scrolling through his phone as Jay works. It’s early, because Jay could only get in before his shift and the shop opened at 8.

“Oh, wow, like I wouldn’t make ya do that anyway.”

“Consider it a double then, jeez.”

“I consider I’ll be getting drunk for free,” Jay grumbles and Ben’s still laughing at him when a notification from instagram pops up: calhalfway is now following you.

“Thought no one called you that,” Ben mutters to himself as he clicks on the link to go to Callum’s account. 

“What?” Jay pipes up, eyes still trained on the computer screen.

“Nothing.”

Naturally, Callum has only put up a few photos and they’re all pretty unrevealing. There’s only one photo of him and he’s in it with some girl Ben’s never seen before and isn’t tagged. The rest of the photos are just landscapes or random pictures that tell Ben nothing about him.

Ben follows him back, and puts his phone down.

“Well? What’s the damage?”

Jay gives him a filthy look. “I’m gonna be here a while.”

“Right,” Ben says, trying for an innocent face. He knows it’s not working. “I’ll go and get breakfast then, eh?"

“For starters.”

“Coffee? Something sweet?”

“All of it,” Jay tells him as he grabs his wallet to go, shouting, “Jumbo sized!” as Ben waves and escapes out the door.

*

There can’t be a single person in Walford who doesn’t know about The Prince Albert. There were posters lining every street and every shop and every letter box for miles. Kathy and Tina and Ben had told everyone they knew, who told everyone they knew and it was a snowball effect.

People arrive on Saturday night in masses.

While Tina stays at the bar with the staff, and Kathy helps at the door, Ben flits from one place to the next, checking on people and keeping an eye out and making sure they’re not going to be the top news story in the morning for all the wrong reasons.

Things go smoothly, though. After an hour or two Ben starts to relax. When he buys Jay yet another drink he gets himself one too, to take the edge off. He had warned his mum he wasn’t going to be working all night.

“Your highness,” Ben teases when he gives Jay his drink. He’s at a table with Lola, Whit, Frankie, Tiff and Keegan, all singing and laughing and chatting together.

“About time,” Jay says, Ben slumping into a chair next to him. “I was parched, son. Parched.”

“You was drinking mine!” Lola argues, pulling her glass out of Jay’s reach. Ben catches Frankie’s eye and she signs to him, you alright?

Ben smiles and signs back, good . 

“Where’s Callum?” Ben asks as he tips his head close to Jay’s ear. He’d seen Callum for a brief moment earlier, looking 6 foot-something of beauty in a dark button down, the sleeves rolled up to expose those arms. Ben had ducked away quickly to save himself.

“Uhh,” Jay awkwardly puts his drink down, looking over his shoulder. “I think he’s dancing, or something, I donno.”

Ben looks over to the dancefloor, too, realising pretty quick why Jay wasn’t eager to answer that question. Callum’s dancing with some fair-haired bloke who’s grinning like a cat who got the cream. Ben can’t blame him.

“Right,” he says, turning back and chugging at his beer again.

“The guy asked him,” Jay adds with a little shrug. “You know Callum, too polite to say no.”

“Course.”

Ben sits for a while to finish his drink, excusing himself when he’s done and going to the bar for another. He checks in with Tina and the staff, goes to see him mum, and does a little check around to make sure everyone’s happy and behaving.

He runs into Callum who’s flushed and smiling and heading out of the loo. “Hi, Ben.”

“Hey. Having a good time?”

“I am, yeah. It’s a really great place.”

“Thanks, I agree,” he says, making Callum laugh. “You want a drink? On me?”

“Uh…” Callum looks over Ben’s shoulder quickly, then back, smiling again. “Yeah, sure. Thanks.”

They go to the bar and sit, Ben ordering two more beers and telling Tina to put it on his tab. She just rolls her eyes at him but gets them anyway.

“Oh, so you’ve got pull,” Callum teases, thanking Tina when she hands him his bottle. “Is that just to impress people, or?”

“Uh, no, thanks very much. That’s because I’ve helped get this place running.”

“Right. They couldn’t have done it without you.”

“Exactly. If me mum had her say this place would be full of feather boas and it’d be nothing but The Best of Kylie Minogue.”

“Hey, I love Kylie!” Callum protests around a grin, and Ben can’t help the little laugh that erupts from him, shaking his head.

“We all love Kylie, but that don’t mean I wanna listen to her all night long.”

“Yeah, well, you might be right there.”

They share another smile, and Ben has to drag his eyes away. He knows he’s on dangerous territory - either getting too close or letting himself think that this could be something it isn’t. “So, uh, are you working at the moment? I never asked.”

“Yeah, I work most nights in a pub.”

“Oh, really? Behind the bar, or?”

“As a cook, actually,” Callum tells him, sipping at his drink. “I do help out at the bar sometimes, but …”

“A cook doing community services, eh?” 

“Yeah, well. I never really had a goal. I just went from job to job. But then I volunteered at this shelter, to help out a friend and … I loved it.”

Jesus, Ben thinks. He really hasn’t changed. He’s as perfect as he was all those years ago. Inside and out. “That’s really great.”

“Yeah … it was. I try to go back there sometimes but I’m just so…”

“Busy,” Ben finishes, grinning up at Callum because yeah. That’s one thing they can definitely agree on. Callum grins back, his chin dropping shyly. Ben’s fingers itch to reach out, but he knows that it’s too much. They’ve come too far to screw things up now. 

“And do you live in town?” Ben goes on to ask, suddenly wanting to know everything. “Close to Uni, I mean.”

“Yeah. I share a flat with a mate. Been there a few years now.”

“What about your family?”

Ben realises before the words come out that he’s asked the wrong thing. Callum never really talked about his family, as a kid. He seemed more attached to his friends than his parents, or his brother.

“I don’t really see them,” Callum says, not looking at Ben. “Mum took off years ago, and then Stuart went with Dad down south somewhere. I don’t know.”

“Okay,” Ben says with a nod, “Sorry.”

“No, it’s fine. We were never close. I got lucky to have great mates that supported me.”

Ben feels those words like a gut punch, the taste in his mouth going sour. Callum hadn’t had family, and he’d lost touch with his school friends, and Ben had all but pushed him out of his life. No wonder it had hit him so hard, Ben’s rejections. He’d been dealing with it his whole life.

“Anyway, we should get back to the others,” Callum says, plastering on a smile as he carefully climbs off his stool. Obviously he’d told Ben more than enough for one night and was eager to get out of here. Ben motions him on.

“You go, I just have to check in on things here,” he says, motioning to the bar we’re they’re still run off their feet.

“Sure. Catch ya later.”

Ben watches him walk off, watches him make it half way to the others before the blonde from earlier catches him by the elbow. Callum gives him one of those true smiles and lets the other man pull him back to the dancefloor.

Ben polishes off his bottle and waves at Tina for another.

It’s going to be a long night.

*

The morning after The Prince Albert is a blur. Ben’s head pounds and his stomach turns and any smell of anything makes him want to barf. Thankfully Lola’s dad has Lexi until late morning, so the rest of the house can nurse their hangovers in peace.

With the exception of his mum being way too chipper and excited about the success of the night before.

“Not a single thing went wrong!” she says for the millionth time that morning. The rest of them are slouched on the couch, only half watching some stupid reality show about buying houses. “I just can’t believe it.”

“Mum, volume,” Ben groans, covering his face with a cushion.

“Lend me that when you’re done with it, yeah?” Jay says.

“Sssshhhh,” Lola winces, squinting into her coffee cup. Ben’s assuming it’s empty. “No more talking.”

“Well at least you all had fun,” Kathy says when she comes back, grabbing their cups for a refill. “I imagine there’ll be plenty of people regretting it this morning!”

They sit there in miserable silence for a while, sipping at their drinks and trying to stay upright. Lola stumbles off to the shower and Jay collapses into the space she makes, and buries himself further under the blankets when his phone buzzes.

It’s Callum. How’s the head?

Ben manages his first smile for the morning. Bad. So bad.

Same, he texts back with a sad emoji. This is why I don’t go out.

I thought that’s cos you’re so busy.

Yeah well that too.

Ben smiles to himself again, holding onto his phone a little tighter. He’s just drifting off when it buzzes again, making him jump.

Had a lot of fun, though. Tell ya mum it was great.

Not sure her head will fit through doors if I give her more praise.

Too bad. Tell her from me.

“What are you smiling about?” Lola says bitterly when she comes back from the shower with wet hair and a tracksuit on. She nudges a dozing Jay up so she can sit back down.

“Nothing,” Ben says defensively, making sure his phone’s out of sight.

“Bet it’s Callum,” Jay mumbles with his eyes still closed, and Ben throws a cushion at him.

“Sod off.”

*

Frankie’s class list is like a patchwork quilt - they’re all from different fields, and one doesn’t really match the other, but Frankie seems to enjoy Uni all the same. Whether that’s for the work or the socialising, Ben’s still not really clear.

She’d told Ben she was working as an interpreter and wanted to pursue that anyway; but she loved to learn. Studying was fun for her. Ben couldn’t relate.

“When were you planning to tell me about Callum?” she says out of nowhere as they sit in the library working together. Ben’s glad he’s not drinking the coffee in front of him otherwise it would have been an impressive spit take.

“What?”

“Oh please, that day I met him, then again at the bar.” Frankie rolls her eyes but she’s smiling. “You’re not keeping that secret from no one.”

Ben’s too embarrassed to argue with her. “Sure, whatever,” he mumbles, ducking his head and feeling a blush start to climb up his neck. Whether she can read his lips or not, his expression must be easy to decipher.

“For what it’s worth I don’t think you’re alone.”

“What’d’ya mean?”

“Callum,” she says, and it sounds like, duh . “He’s into you too.”

“Oh, right,” Ben scoffs with a mocking laugh, looking back up at her. “When’d you get that idea, when he was off grinding on some other bloke?”

Frankie laughs, dropping her pen to sign at him. “He’s young, he’s fit, what d’ya want him to do, sit around and wait for ya?”

“No.” Callum had made it very clear that he hadn’t and wouldn’t be doing that. “I just … I think you’re wrong that’s all.”

“Maybe I can’t hear, but I can see. He kept looking at ya all night. Kept looking for you whenever you disappeared.”

“Yeah, well, maybe you need glasses.”

“Nope,” she gives her head one sharp shake. “Got ‘em tested last week. 20/20 vision.”

“Frankie.”

“He likes you.”

“Look,” Ben cuts in firmly, annoyed (but unsurprised) at her persistence, annoyed that the thought of Callum watching him made his skin warm all over. “We got … there’s history, okay? It ain’t as simple as that.”

“I mean, it is,” she argues, but there’s no heat to it. “But sure, you keep burying ya feelings and being miserable about it. Who am I to judge?”

Ben sighs, unable to stop from smiling. “Remind me why I like you again?”

“Because I get you into all the cool parties?”

“ One party?”

“Actually, make it two" she says with a grin. “I'm having mine on the 8th.”

“Birthday?”

“Yeah. It’s a Funeral theme. Burying my teens.”

Ben pulls a face at her. “You’re joking.”

“Course I am, idiot,” Frankie says with a big laugh, other students looking around at them as if they’ve been personally victimised. “It’s just a party.”

“Alright, well, count me in.”

“Awesome! Can you do the eulogy?”

Ben just throws a pen at her.

*

Since he barely holds it together himself, Ben’s not sure how his mum’s still managing. With the cafe, and the bar, and keeping their household together most days - he’s sure he’d be burnt out if he was her. They’ve all been trying to convince her to let someone take over for her but she never wants to hear it.

“Alright here, love?” his mum asks when she comes over to his table at the cafe. Ben’s got out his laptop and some of his books, but it’s a slow day. There’s not a high demand for space.

“More coffee?” he asks with a smile he’s sure only a mother could love.

Kathy just rolls her eyes. “Sure. What about food?”

“I’m good.”

She rolls her eyes again but thankfully doesn’t argue. Ben doesn’t have the brain capacity for it anyway. He’s juggling paperwork for the car lot as well as a Marketing assignment as well as revision for the upcoming exams. The looming exams.

“Hi.”

Ben looks up from his work to see Callum hovering by his table, his hands in his jacket pockets. Ben just blinks for a moment, confused by the sight - it’s the middle of the week and they’re in Walford. It’s been a long time since they’ve met up in the Square in broad daylight. It feels strange for some reason, like a fuzzy dream.

“Oh, hey. What …”

Callum throws a thumb over his shoulder. “Just getting some lunch for me and Whit. Saw you over here.”

“You don’t have class?”

“Just an early lecture. Thought I’d come over and see her.”

“Right,” Ben says with a nod, feeling stupid and unsure what to say. It had been easy in a dark bar with a few drinks in him. It’s easy on campus when there’s equal footing. But here, in Walford, where they met and where they grew up together. It puts Ben on edge.

“Callum Highway!” his mum cries as she comes back over to Ben’s table, putting his coffee down hastily before grabbing Callum in a hug. “Wow, look at you!”

“Hi, Mrs. Beale.”

“No, no, it’s just Kathy,” she insists, patting at his chest as he smiles at her. “It’s good to see you, it’s been too long.”

“It has, yeah. I’ve just been catching up with everyone.” 

“Oh, that’s so good. I’m glad.”

Kathy coos over him for a few moments longer, Ben’s surprised she doesn’t pinch his cheeks. When she finally leaves they both share an awkward smile that Ben hopes converys his embarrassment.

“Uh, hey, I got a message from Frankie, something about her birthday party?”

“Yeah, she’s burying her teens.”

Callum pulls a face, making Ben laugh. “What?”

“Nothing. She’s turning twenty. Wants to have a big one I guess.”

“Right. Are you going?”

“I am,” Ben tells him. “I better, I don’t think she’d let me live it down.”

“Okay, well. I might see ya there.”

“Sure. Enjoy ya lunch.”

Callum gives him another one of those honest smiles that sticks like an anchor in Ben’s chest. “Thanks,” he says with a little wave, and Ben knows he looks dumb but he waves back.

“Fuck,” he groans to himself, after watching Callum walk off.

*

Ben doesn’t mind the looks he gets when he says his daughter is six. Before Lexi, he’s sure he’d have reacted the same way. Sixteen is a young age to become a dad, and it isn’t ideal, and if he’d been able to choose between fatherhood and living comfortably while travelling the world then sure. A baby wouldn’t be in the picture.

Except he had made a choice, really. He’d chosen to deny his true feelings, and chosen to spend a night with Lola, and chosen not to use protection even if they’d had the Sex Ed class with the condoms and bananas. There’d been plenty of choice.

And then there’s been Lexi. It’s not like he’d ever want to return her.

“That’s not how my teacher does it, daddy,” Lexi tells him primly as they sit at the dining table trying to work out her mathematics.

“It’s addition, babe, I don’t think there’s a special way to do it.”

“There is!”

Ben throws his hands up in surrender. “Okay, okay. How ‘bout we leave the maths to mummy. What else do you have to do?”

“Reading?” 

“I can read!” he cries, making Lexi laugh, and she rushes off to get her book bag while Ben settles into the couch. When she gets back, she’s swinging about a princess story and Ben just gives her a soft smile.

“Great choice, a princess for a princess.”

They read together for a while, Lexi going slowly and Ben helping her if she gets stuck on any words or sounds.

“Daddy?”

“Hmmm?”

“All the books I read are about princesses falling in love with princes.”

“Yeah? But that’s okay, you don’t have to love a prince,” Ben tells her, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. “In fact, I’d prefer that you don’t fall in love until you’re thirty! Or forty!”

Lexi giggles. “No, not me! You!”

“Me what?”

“Well what if you were a prince? Or Aunty Tina were a princess?”

Ben blinks at her, suddenly realising where her train of thought is going. “Oh, well, then. I’d find a prince. And Teens would find a princess.”

“But … in the books no one does that.”

“Well … not in these books. Maybe some books, though.”

He can see on her face that her little brain is whirring. His heart thumps in his chest, filling with pride, and wonder, and disbelief. How’d he get such an amazing kid? “When you were little did you have those books?”

“No. My books were like these ones.”

“Oh.” Her bottom lip sticks out. “I’m sorry, daddy.”

“It’s okay, sweetheart. These days there’s a lot more books and things about boys falling in love with boys, and girls falling in love with girls.”

“That’s good.”

Ben holds Lexi closer to her, kissing the top of her head. “Hey, beautiful?” he whispers to her and she hums, looking up at him. “I love you.”

Lexi grins like he’s just told a joke. “I love you too, Daddy.”

*

Frankie’s smart enough to throw her party at a pub, and not in her house like Ben had done the last time he’d celebrated his birthday. It had been a good night, but the property damage and the endless onslaught from his mum had just not been worth it.

When he gets to the place Frankie had texted, she’s not hard to spot. Her hair’s up, and she’s wearing a sparkly tiara with pink feathers that proudly states yes, she is indeed the birthday girl.

She’s also surrounded by a group of people that are all speaking in BSL.

“Ben!” she calls, pushing out of the crowd to rush over and give him a hug. 

“Happy birthday,” he says, also signing the words to show her that he’d been practising. She laughs.

“Suck up! You’re still buying me a drink.”

“I’d planned to,” he tells her, pulling a birthday card out from the inside of his pocket. “I didn’t get you a present.”

“Soft,” she teases, punching at his shoulder, before pulling him back over to her friends.

Ben had only gotten there half an hour late but apparently Frankie and her friends had started drinking as soon as they’d gotten into the place. And with all the shots being offered to him, he wouldn’t be surprised if they’d done a few of those as well. 

They’re all chatting and laughing, their hands going a mile a minute to the point that Ben really can’t keep up. He imagines it’s how a deaf person feels trying to lip read in the middle of a crowd. He knows he’s been in loud places like this before and lost whole chunks of conversation because he hadn’t been able to focus.

“Ben,” a voice says in his good ear, someone giving his shoulder a little shake. He whips around to see Callum, his hand up to his chest.

“Jesus.”

Callum smiles. “Sorry.”

“When’d you get here?”

“Just before. Frankie caught me at the door,” he tells Ben, motioning over to where Frankie is now signing happily with another friend. Ben wonders if she’d rented out the whole place or something - she seems to know everyone. “Wanna get a drink?”

“Uh, yeah, sure.”

They sit at the bar and order beers, chatting about Uni and classes and exams. As Ben’s drink disappears he starts to feel a little less anxious - which bothers him more than it probably should. No one had affected him like this in a long time, and he wasn’t sure he could keep it together.

“Do you speak to Jay, much?” Ben asks once they’re on their next drink; Frankie had been over once to demand a drink before leaving with a cocktail and a knowing look at Ben.

“Yeah, a bit. You guys are all really close, aren’t you?”

“We are. I don’t know why Jay hasn’t moved in yet to be honest.”

Callum huffs. “Yeah, I was surprised when he said he lives alone.”

“I think he just keeps the place so him and Lola can escape mum’s.”

“Doesn’t sound like he’s going anywhere.”

“No,” Ben says around the mouth of his bottle, smiling. “He’d be lost without us. 

Once they get their third drinks they migrate over to an empty corner booth. Callum tells Ben a little more about what he’d gotten up to after school, between graduating and starting Uni. He talks a little more about his roommates, and friends, and Whitney, and it’s clear to Ben that he’s settled in his life. After all he’d been through, Ben’s glad.

“Would you like to know BSL?” Callum asks him, after watching Frankie and her friends chat. “I mean, fluently, like that.”

“Yeah. I guess I would.”

“Do you struggle much, with your hearing?”

Ben shrugs. “Not really, not with the aid. Sometimes it gets too loud and it’s better to take it out. So then I might have trouble hearing everything.”

“I can’t imagine that. I’ve never even had a broken bone.”

“Seriously?”

Callum shrugs, playing with his bottle and giving Ben a lopsided smile. “Lived a sheltered life.”

“Clearly.” 

Ben hasn’t missed the fact they’re so close in their seats their knees touch now and then. Ben can feel the heat coming off Callum, or maybe it’s coming from him. Callum keeps flickering glances Ben’s way, and Ben keeps catching him

“You’re not that different, y’know,” Callum says after a pause. “From back then.”

“How d’ya mean?”

“Just … you always tease. You’re funny. And you always talk about ya family like … like you’d do anything to keep ‘em safe.” Ben doesn’t say anything to that, too surprised, humbled, to try and bother. Callum nudges just that little bit closer as he goes on, saying, “You’re not different but you are changed.”

“Grown up, I hope,” Ben says quietly, and then Callum’s leaning in just that little bit more to press their mouths together. Ben knows he shouldn’t, but he claws a hand into the thick meat of Callum’s denim-clad thigh anyway. He knows he shouldn’t, but he tips his head and opens his mouth to deepen the kiss, moaning into it. He knows he shouldn’t but he melts into Callum’s touch when Callum’s hand glides up over his chest, his neck, to settle under his ear.

He knows he should but he likes it so, so much.

“Callum,” he says when he finally has the strength to pull away. “We shouldn’t.”

“Right, a bit public,” Callum agrees, looking sheepish. He makes some space between them, but not much. “You wanna … get out of here maybe?”

No, he means to say, you deserve better. No.

“Yeah,” Ben says without thinking, because that’s what he does. He’s selfish and stupid. “I really do.” 

*

There’s a place just below his throat and to the right, some erogenous zone that sends Ben through the roof and Callum finds it - with his stubble and mouth and tongue, with his voice against Ben’s skin saying, come on, Ben, yes, yeah. 

It’s been a long time since Ben’s spent a night with someone that way; hours of attention and affection and fucking, hours of talking and laughing and just enjoying himself, enjoying someone else. 

When the booze and the orgasms and the colour of Callum’s eyes fade away, all Ben’s left with is throat-gripping fear.

He’s not fooling himself twice.

“I’m saying this once, and then I’m done,” Jay shouts at Ben when he comes into the car lot later that week.

“Why don’t I believe that?” Ben drones, dropping his pen and leaning back in his chair. He knows what he’s going to say and he’s not going to give Jay the satisfaction of acting innocent. It would only rile him up more, anyway.

“You don’t get to do this, Ben,” he keeps shouting, pointing a finger. “Not to Callum.”

“What’s he been saying?”

“Nothing. He’s said nothing, except talk to Ben and I’ve known you my whole life and I know what that means.”

“So? Enlighten me.”

“It means you slept with him, don’t it? And then what, ghosted him? Told him you ain’t interested? All of the above.”

Ben looks away from him, trying not to give it away and failing. Jay’s right of course, he’s always right. Callum had snuck out in the early hours of the morning, and Ben hadn’t spoken to him since. Hadn’t answered his calls or replied to his texts. Hadn’t even seen him across the courtyards at Uni.

He was an arsehole.

“It don’t matter.”

Jay scoffs, and it’s an angry sound, folding his arms tightly against his chest. “You are such a fucking liar. Course it matters. It’s always mattered! Ben and Callum. Callum and Ben. And you can shut it out all ya like, and pretend you weren’t never his friend and you never loved him but you did Ben. And you probably will again.”

“Oh, Jay, piss off,” he yells, before he even knows he’s thinking it, jumping out of his chair and letting it slam against the wall. “You ain’t my keeper, or Callum’s. We don’t need a bloody therapist.”

“Right, tell that to the long list of other men you shagged and then sent away.”

“Fuck you.”

“No, fuck you ,” Jay counters, but everything has seeped out of him now. He looks deflated and he’s backing away. “Callum is a good bloke. One of the best. He doesn’t deserve this. Not from you, not after everything.”

“It’s - ” Ben tries to say, but in the face of Jay’s actual, tangible disappointment Ben’s not sure what he’s going to say anyway.

Besides, Jay’s waving him off anyway. “Save it. I ain’t the one who needs to hear your explanations.”

The door slams behind him.

*

Ben’s week passes quietly. He floats from place to place (work, uni, home), only leaving space for the necessities while trying to ignore the rest. The last time a man consumed him like this he ended up stranded and left broken in bits. It’s what he’d been trying to avoid from the start. It’s what he’d wanted Callum to understand.

It’s his first night off from thinking, and he’s watching a movie on his laptop, when Lola knocks gently on his bedroom door and shuffles in. “Lexi alright?” Ben asks.

“Yeah, still asleep.”

“Okay. You need something?”

“Not really. Just wanted to check in with you.”

“What for?” Ben asks, and Lola shrugs, sitting on the edge of his bed. Ben knows that shrug. It says Jay’s been talking, so now Lola’s going to step in and try to finish the match. Ben’s tired. “Lo, can we not.”

“What? I’m just checking in on the father of me daughter. Sorry .”

“No, ya just here to chew me ear off like Jay did.”

She gives him a gentle slap on the leg. “Hey, I like Callum plenty but he ain’t my best friend. You are.”

Ben softens at her words, feeling some of the fight or flight response ease from his spine. He sits up a little, abandoning the movie to one side. “Well, I’m fine.”

“That’s convincing.”

“I didn’t know this was a test. I got enough of those in my life, thanks anyway.”

“Ben, come on,” Lola urges, getting up onto the bed properly and pushing into his side. “You can’t be angry at people for caring about ya.”

“That ain’t why I’m angry,” he says, then catches himself. “I mean - I ain’t angry.”

“Then what? Talk to me.”

“Nothing! I spent a night with a guy, it was fun, end of.”

“Except it ain’t, yeah? You’re unhappy. And from what I hear, so is Callum.”

Ben groans and drops his head back, feeling that familiar pull in his gut. Guilt, and fear - knowing he’s hurt Callum and knowing that he hates it. Other blokes have been left sad, or disappointed when Ben’s fobbed them off.

But Callum.

“I don’t want this, Lo!” he cries, covering his face with his hands.

“What?”

“Pressure! Pressure to be good enough and pressure to be something to someone without fucking it up, I can’t - ”

“Are you joking? You are somebody, already. A father, a son, a friend. Why’s that any different?”

Ben sighs, getting up enough courage to look at her and let her see that he’s on the brink of tears. “It just is.”

“Ben,” she says softly, hands up to grip at him, hold him. “I ain’t here to tell you how to live your life. I just think that if this is what it’s doing to you then … at least talk to him. Explain it to him.”

Ben gives her a small smile and covers her hand with his own.

“Thanks, Lo,” he whispers, wiping at his eyes.

*

They’d been out the back of Jay’s old place, just the two of them. Everyone else was inside drinking and playing a dancing game on the Playstation that Ben didn’t want to be part of. (He didn’t dance any more). 

Ben had been telling a stupid story about his brother - how he’d somehow got caught on a roof with no pants on and the cops had been called to get him down - and Callum was laughing until there were tears in his eyes.

It got quiet, there was a pause, and he said, “Ben,” in this odd, low voice Ben had never heard. When he looked at Callum his smile was gone but his eyes were still bright, still kind. “I love you.”

Ben had coughed out a laugh, punching Callum on the shoulder. “Right, I love you too, mate.”

“No, no Ben . I - I’m gay, and.” Callum had held his breath for so long Ben thought he’d just. Stopped. But then the words tumbled out again and this time he’d known. Callum felt every one. “I love you.”

Ben’s stomach had leapt into his throat. His heart pounded viciously in his ribcage. He folded into himself when he shouted. “Are you fucking serious?”

“I just wanted to - ” Callum started, reaching out to him, but Ben had shrugged him off.

“Don’t.”

“Please - ”

“No,” Ben said with a shake of his head, mouth twisted as he got up, moved away. “I can’t.”

That had been the last words they’d spoken as kids.

The time Ben broke his own heart.

*

Ben doesn’t plan to run into Callum in one of the Uni hallways, or to usher him into an empty classroom like he’s a reckless teenager on an episode of Home and Away. It just happens, like it has with Callum from the start. Callum just is, and Ben’s just useless in the face of it.

“I don’t want to talk to you,” Callum says, shrugging Ben’s hand off him where it’s still on his shoulder. Ben hastily lets go.

“So don’t talk.”

“Ben - ”

“I was keeping it together, Callum!” he hears himself suddenly shout, seeing shock flicker over Callum’s face. “No more binge drinking, no all nighters. I stopped picking stupid fights and getting mixed up in dodgy crowds. I was doing better. Then in walks Callum fucking Highway, looking beautiful, being perfect.”

“Just - ”

“But no, he doesn’t want me. Doesn’t even want to know me. Which hurt, sure, but it was easy. It meant things stayed like they were. Everything kept on track. I could get through it.”

Callum’s expression morphs back into anger. He hoists his shoulder bag up a little, like he’s preparing to leave. “Sorry I got in the way.”

“No. That ain’t it, alright?”

“Then what? ‘Cause I had a really good time with you, and I thought you did too. So why, why would you just ignore me after that? Huh? Why can’t you just be honest?”

“I am being honest,” Ben says, a hand up in some sort of surrender. He’s just not sure what he’s surrendering to. “This is what I do. I get close to someone and then I ruin it.”

“Don’t give me that. You didn’t even give it a chance.”

“No, you’re right, I didn’t. Because I’m scared of the risk, Callum, alright? I have a business, I have a kid, I can’t …”

“Then what are we doing here, Ben?” Callum says with a sigh, leaning against one of the many desks behind them. Ben takes the chance to glance across his whole body, too see how his jeans cling to those thighs, how his hooded jumper looks so soft. Ben remembers touching him all over, remembers every little detail. “If it ain’t worth risking then what’s the point?”

“I don’t know,” Ben tells him honestly, his fingers wobbly where they’re scratching at his head. He lets out a breath he didn’t realise he was holding. “But what I do know is that when I wake up, I think about you. And when I go to bed, I’m thinking about you. And I’m a coward, Callum, because that scares the shit out of me.”

Callum’s mouth falls just a little bit open, his fingers white-knuckled around his bag strap. He doesn’t move, and a part of Ben wishes he would. “That don’t make you a coward. It scares me too.”

“Yeah?”

“Course. You might’ve been the first to reject me but you weren’t the last.”

“Callum - ” Ben goes to say, so many apologies stuck at the tip of his tongue. Callum talks over him, though, and Ben knows he deserves it.

“And, here I am, like an idiot. Letting Ben Mitchell get the better of me again.”

“I ain’t trying to do that.”

“Were you ever?” Callum bites, a little viciously. “Don’t make a difference. I’m letting it happen. I keep letting you in, and yeah, that scares me. Because you know what? I’m gonna keep doing it. I know I am.”

Ben’s feet move of their own accord, walking hesitantly closer to where Callum’s knees part just a little. “This ain’t about me trying to take advantage. You gotta know that. I spent the night with you because I wanted it. A lot. More than I’ve wanted to be with anyone. Ever.”

“Funny way of showing it.”

“Yeah. I know.”

Callum’s knees move again, and so do Ben’s feet, and soon he has his fingers twisted in the front of Callum’s jumper and their eyes are meeting, properly, intensely, for the first time since they’d been tangled in Ben’s bed. 

“I might fuck up again,” Ben tells him honestly, and Callum huffs.

“You will. But - but with me, yeah? Don’t shut me out again. I’m not dealing with it again, I can’t.”

“Callum.” Ben pulls him a little closer, bringing their faces closer. “All I can tell ya is I’m gonna do the best I can. I wanna give you the best … the best of me, yknow?”

Callum’s hands are soft and warm where they come up to his neck and jaw and he’s pulling Ben to him, to his mouth to kiss. Ben wraps his hands, his arms, whatever he can around Callum, opening for him and savouring the kiss. Callum smells so good and tastes even sweeter and Ben wants to just stand here and do this for the rest of the day.

Except the classroom door swings open behind them and they both pull apart to see some older man in a vest and glasses.

“Gentlemen,” he drawls, looking bored. “This isn’t secondary school, you know. Out.”

They both quickly stutter out their apologies, grinning at each other as they make their escape. 

*

epilogue

Ben watches the clock all morning. Lexi bounces around him, Jay and Lola make jokes when they think he can’t hear, and his mum slowly loses her mind making sure all the food is prepared perfectly.

When Callum finally arrives, Ben rushes to the door to get it first.

“Quick, last chance to get out of here,” he says, the door slightly ajar. Callum just laughs.

“Hi.”

Ben can’t help smile back. Callum’s wearing a light blue shirt with the sleeves rolled up, a dark pair of jeans that are doing all the right things for him. Ben opens the door all the way to look at him properly. “Hey. You look good.”

“Thanks,” he says with a little blush, ducking his head. “You too.”

Ben moves enough to let Callum into the door, closing it quickly before he pulls him in for a kiss. Callum’s holding a bottle that creates too much space between them, frustrating Ben right up until the moment his mum is pushing through to say hello. Ben takes the chance to try and get himself together.

“Callum!” Kathy coos, pulling him in for a hug.

“Hi, Kathy,” he grins, offering the drink to her. “I didn’t know what everyone was having so…”

“Oh, that’s perfect. Thank you. Come in, come in!”

Ben leads Callum through to the lounge, Jay and Lola there in no time to greet him with hugs and teasing. Lexi, though (wearing her entire princess get up including wand, tiara and high heels) seems to be the most excited as she reminds Callum all about Halloween while pulling him away to her bedroom to show him all her toys.

Ben tries to save him but Callum, despite looking like a deer stuck in headlights, waves him off and says he’s fine.

“Look at you,” Jay teases as he and Lola take a seat at the table. Lola’s not saying anything but Ben won’t fall for the innocent act. She’s just as bad as Jay is.

“What?”

“Smitten, that’s what.”

“Shut up,” he grumbles, but he can’t argue. They all know him better than he knows himself.

Before they can make fun of him any longer, he disappears to Lexi’s bedroom too, standing outside the door and looking in. Callum’s somehow folded onto the floor opposite Lexi, who has set up a little Teddy Bear tea party. She’s telling him all their names and hobbies and Ben can tell Callum is holding in all his laughter.

It makes his heart skip.

“Alright, beautiful,” Ben eventually interrupts, stepping in and meeting Callum’s gaze with a smile. “Lunch is nearly ready. Maybe you and Callum can come back after, yeah?”

“But, daddy!”

“It’s alright, Lexi,” Callum says, unravelling himself from the floor as Ben watches on amused. “I’m not going anywhere.”

While Lexi runs out, Ben stays there and pulls Callum to him. “I like the sound of that,” he mutters, giving him a gentle peck.

“Well it’s true,” Callum tells him, kissing him back, gripping both hands to Ben’s shoulders tightly. “Here as long as you want me.”

“I’m holding you to that.”

“You better.”

The kiss deepens, and Ben’s back hits the doorframe, and his fingernails can’t help the desperate way they scrape along Callum’s back. He arches for it, and hums into it, and he does, he wants. He wants and wants and wants, and for the first time in a long time (forever) he’s finally happy for it.

“You sure you’re ready for this?” he asks when they eventually pull apart, heavy breaths crashing in the small space between them. “We could escape out the back and go to yours.”

“There’s no one at mine.”

“Exactly.”

Callum laughs, bringing a hand up to Ben’s ear, thumb caressing his cheek. “It’ll be fine. It’ll be nice.”

“ You’re nice. They’re crazy.”

Callum’s still smiling as he kisses Ben again, chaste this time and cooling down. “C’mon.”

“Alright, alright,” Ben agrees, letting Callum lead him out with their hands tangled together. “But you owe me  a snog session in the library on Monday, like all the cool kids do.”

Callum grins and brings his hands up to sign.

I promise.