Chapter Text
The pale water lapped at the shore, accompanied by the soft whisper of the waves and the gentle breeze that rolled over them and rustled through Hajime's hair. He sat on the pale sand below him, jeans cuffed and shoes kicked off beside him, enjoying the feeling of the sun and serenity that washed over the beach. To say Jabberwock Island's beaches were picturesque would be an understatement as every shoreline on the island looked like the type of thing only seen on postcards or calendars. Hajime revelled in the quiet.
He and his classmates that survived the killing game had made a home for themselves here. They took comfort in making the island a place just for them rather than a distant memory of the bloodbath that it was during the program.
Nowadays, he went through life as he always did. Tried as hard as possible to pick up the pieces and get back to life, not only for his own sanity but for the good of those around him. He knew his friends relied on him to bring hope, in his own way, and that he was solely in charge of leading them out of the darkness that he had created in the first place. He swore that no one would take his future from him and that he'd do anything he could to make his own path, and guided his friends to do the same.
He found himself gazing up at the clear blue sky, eyes slightly dry and mouth hanging open stupidly. He'd been lost in thought this whole time despite his attempts to not get carried away. He sat up, rubbing his eyes and stretching, listening to his bones pop and crack into place again.
He checked the watch on his wrist to see that it was around lunch time. He gathered his sneakers and made his way back to the main road that led to the hotel in hopes of grabbing something to eat. He took one last look at the ocean before turning away and heading off.
Arriving at the hotel, he saw that a few of his former classmates were already getting started on lunch. The ultimate cook, or as he preferred, the ultimate chef, was of course happily dishing out large platters of sandwiches of different fillings alongside many other plates full of healthy, light but filling foods such as salad, fruit, omelettes, rice, sushi and noodles. He looked overjoyed as usual, being completely in his element being able to cook for fifteen others every day.
Three figures sat ready at the table, two eagerly digging in while the other gingerly took a sandwich and a spoonful of salad onto his plate.
Akane, the one furthest from Hajime, ate with as much vigour as a feral dog that hadn't seen food in weeks. She ate while she spoke, smattering crumbs everywhere, "I've been waiting' for this for so long, I'm starving!"
"What do you mean? It's only twelve pm, we had breakfast three hours ago!" Teruteru looked bemused as Akane piled more food onto her plate.
"I know, I thought I was dying!" she yelled as she scoffed several ham sandwiches at once. Ryota, the figure next to her ate a few bites of his own sandwich and looked sheepishly at Akane, who at one point almost elbowed him in the face as she enthusiastically took a chicken wing from the plates in the middle.
A larger figure, known as Imposter, smiled at him from across the table. They had their own pile of food that they were digging into with haste yet nowhere near as ravenously as Akane. "Save some for everyone else would you?" they cocked an eyebrow at the girl. "Barely anyone has arrived yet."
That prompted Teruteru to look towards the entrance directly at Hinata, "Ah, Hajime, why don't you sit yourself down and help yourself to some of my treats," he said with a wink as Hajime felt his skin crawl a little. Being around Teruteru never got easier.
He made his way over to the table and sat down next to Imposter, regarding everyone politely as he began by taking a couple of rice balls. He looked at Ryota who sat across from him, noting the small details about his appearance in a half daydream. He wasn't with them when they were in the program. In fact, he heard from his classmates that he never showed up to school in the first place, and Imposter had shown up in his place. He remembered the small, mousy, tired man that they'd encountered attempting to spread his hope video to the masses, the way he broke down fully when they'd invited him to come along with them to their island to start a new life.
That version of him looked like a greyed out, inaccurate depiction of how he looked now in Hajime's mind. He filled out his clothes a little more, there was more colour in his cheeks, the dark circles under his eyes were lighter and his hair was less greasy and brittle. He knew he still struggled with his eating habits from time to time, and it hadn't been easy for him at all to get better but with the help of Imposter and the rest of their class he seemed a lot more alive nowadays. Hajime felt a slight warmth in his chest as it reminded him of how far they'd come since then.
Slowly, more and more people filtered into the restaurant. Sonia greeted them, apologising for being 'so dreadfully late' as she always did whenever she was on time, followed by Nekomaru, Mahiru and Peko. The early birds, as he noted.
A pleasant chatter filled the room as they all ate, leaving Hajime to drown them all out as he got lost in thought for the third time that day. He jolted back to reality when he received a harsh smack on the back by the person next to him. He looked over to see Kazuichi next to him, sipping a neon green can of some sugary soda.
"What's wrong man, away with the fairies today aren't you?" he grinned his signature shark-toothed grin, "come on, spill, who are you thinking about?"
Even after years of knowing each other, Kazuichi hadn't changed much, he still had the mindset of a teenage boy at heart. He'd definitely changed physically, his muscles were more defined, his hair longer and faded compared to the hot pink it used to be with black roots peeking through, along with a peppering of black stubble covering his chin. Despite this he was still the same old dumbass Kazuichi, the same carefree idiot he'd been in the simulation.
"I wasn't thinking of anyone, I'm not desperate like you," Hajime replied, sipping his orange juice in which the ice cubes had mostly melted.
He was about to go back to his food when he noticed a hamster nibbling at a leaf of lettuce in the salad bowl.
"Gyahh! Someone tell that weirdo to get his damn rats off the table!" Kazuichi yelped as he swatted it away. The hamster squeaked angrily and scampered across the table to crawl up the arm of another classmate. It retreated into his scarf as the classmate regarded Kazuichi sternly.
"Fool! You dare insult my four dark devas of destruction with your fiendish words!" Gundham yelled a little too over dramatically from across the dinner table.
"Blow me," Kazuichi retorted half heartedly.
Out of all of his classmates, those two were a couple of the hardest to get used to. Hajime soon spotted that one seat was empty at the table, the one closest to the window. He looked around at the people at the table and quickly realised that the one missing was Nagito.
"Has anyone seen Nagito?" Hajime asked the ones closest to him.
"Hah! I knew you were thinking about someone!" Kazuichi said, accusatory.
Hajime rolled his eyes, "I just noticed that he's not here, that's all."
"It is not that uncommon for Nagito to not show up for lunch, I believe he has a habit of avoiding us when we are all together as a group." Sonia replied.
She was right, sometimes Nagito skipped meals if he didn't want to be around everyone. Hajime was aware of his hatred of crowds and noise, but he’d love it if he at least took the time to go and eat when people left.
After the convention fizzled out, people slowly started to leave and therefore Hajime thought it might be a good idea to seek Nagito out. He wasn't concerned about him, he knew that he was nowhere near as dangerous and reckless as he once was but he still felt that it was worth checking on him in case he'd got himself into some minor trouble as he often did.
He descended the steps of the hotel, running a hand across the arcade machine that sat in the lobby fondly. He always made a point of doing this whenever he walked by. A small amount of dust had collected on top of the machine, and he rubbed it away gently.
He spared a few more seconds in the lobby before heading out the door into the bright sun. He rounded the pool, noticing Akane already swimming laps rigorously as Nekomaru urged her on from the side with a stopwatch in hand. Hajime felt queasy even imagining swimming so soon after eating.
He walked onto the decking where their cottages were, and found his way to Nagito's front door. He knocked once and received no answer. He waited a few beats and then knocked again, but still received no reply. He might not be in, Hajime thought. He was about to turn and look somewhere else before he heard the door unlatch and the doorknob begin to turn.
Hajime looked up to see Nagito, even more haggard than usual, eyes bleary and tired above heavy eye bags. He looked as if he'd dressed himself in a hurry, and his hair was even more tousled and unkempt than it normally was.
He straightened up a little after seeing Hajime, pulling his jeans up and smoothing his shirt out as he greeted him, "oh, hello Hajime, what are you doing here?"
Hajime smiled, albeit a little awkwardly, "I just came to check on you since you weren't at breakfast or lunch," he couldn't help but look behind Nagito into his cottage, seeing that the blinds were drawn and it was completely dark in there and the bed was unmade.
"It seems I just overslept a little, it's not too surprising that someone as useless as me would sleep all the way through lunch," Nagito chuckled, but there was no humour in what he said.
Hajime furrowed his brow a little, feeling a little skeptical but accepted it nonetheless, "well, if you wanted something to eat, Teruteru put you aside some leftovers so that Akane wouldn't get to them."
Nagito smiled, that small, slightly sad smile he did whenever he showed gratitude, "wow, I'll have to give him my thanks for showing such kindness to trash like myself."
Hajime grimaced. As much as he'd come to care for Nagito, he still couldn't bear to be around him when he was like this. Nothing he said seemed to convince the other man that he was actually worthy of basic respect and kindness, since he'd known him he'd been stuck in the mindset that he was somehow less than human.
"Did you want to head over to the restaurant together? I don't have anything planned today," Hajime offered. Despite the fact that he just came from the hotel, he wouldn't mind going back if it meant he could spend time with Nagito for a while.
Nagito looked to be genuinely excited for a moment, "you're going to spend time with me? However can I thank you-" he began to ramble before Hajime stopped him.
"It's fine, let's just go," he waited patiently while Nagito locked up before turning around to walk side by side with Hajime to the hotel.
They ate together, well, Hajime sat while Nagito ate, enjoying another orange juice this time with ice cubes fully intact and not making the juice too watery, god damn it.
Hajime noticed early into their friendship that Nagito ate like a bird. He could survive on basically nothing for days and be fine, proven by the time he basically ate nothing but a piece of unbuttered toast for three days when he was tied up in the spare building. Hajime cringed at the memory.
Nagito seemed happy, albeit a little more tired than usual, enjoying his leftover sandwiches and talking about something random while Hajime enjoyed the simplicity of it all.
Nagito was the first person he'd met when they were in the simulation, and he was the first person he'd considered calling a friend- that was before it all went wrong, of course.
He enjoyed being around Nagito at first, he was laid back and pretty funny and Hajime felt a lot more grounded by being around him, so of course he didn't expect him to be behind the murder that kicked off the killing game.
The feeling of despair it brought to have someone he thought to be an ally betray him only gave way to further confusion and hurt feelings later down the line when Nagito went completely off the rails. Hajime had tried to understand, he really had, but he just didn't feel safe around the other man anymore.
Nagito was fully aware of the fact that the others would not be so quick to trust him, and likely never would, but Hajime wanted to get close to him and maybe understand.
He'd been the one to help Nagito after they came out of the Neo World Program. He helped wake him up, rehabilitate him and was even the one that made his prosthetic arm. They'd grown to have a pretty normal relationship over the years. As normal as things could be with Nagito, perhaps, but still, Hajime liked it, it really helped to make things feel like the past was in the past.
Hajime thought about all of this as he studied Nagito, watching the way he ate and talked. The way he brought his metal hand up to his mouth to politely cover it while he chewed, the way he skirted around looking Hajime in the eye except for a few split seconds every now and then, the way he scratched the back of his neck and hands quite often.
After they were done, Nagito looked a little sad, in a small, distant way that made it seem like he was trying his best not to show it, "so, what were you gonna do for the rest of the day?" he asked.
Hajime thought about saying he was gonna slink off to go do something else, but realised he didn't really feel like doing anything on his own, "I don't know, do you wanna go do something?"
Nagito looked a little shocked, "you really don't have to waste your time with me Hajime," It seemed that no matter how many times they hung out together, Nagito never seemed to understand that Hajime genuinely liked hanging out with him.
"Where do you wanna go?" Hajime asked, ignoring Nagito's usual self deprecation.
Nagito chuckled, "I'll go just about anywhere if it means I get to spend time with you," Hajime blushed hearing this. Nagito had never been the type to be embarrassed about things like verbal affection, and despite knowing that it was completely platonic Hajime felt a little weird hearing another guy just say something like that to him so casually.
Hajime cleared his throat, "well, um, do you wanna head over to the library?" The library was their usual hangout spot on their slow days together, and he didn't mind because he knew that Nagito liked to read and was pretty in his element around all the dusty old books.
"Of course!" Nagito looked happy as they walked out of the hotel together. It felt nice seeing him like that. He knew Nagito hadn't had the easiest life and had struggled a great deal, and still wasn't completely out of the woods. This meant that when he actually did see Nagito show some kind of genuine happiness, it filled him with the feeling that everything was okay.
The afternoon sun cascaded over his face, lighting up his features and accentuating small details that Hajime often looked over. He had small dimples in his cheeks when he smiled, and a very light dusting of freckles on the bridge of his nose and cheeks, and a little gap between his front teeth.
His hair had grown longer over the years, and it now reached just past his shoulders. It probably hadn't been brushed that day, and was pretty thin and wispy on the best of days but Hajime thought there was something charming about it.
He was also a lot thinner. It sometimes worried Hajime, as in the simulation he couldn't recall Nagito being as thin as he was now, but when they came out of the simulation the class were left with the damage done to their bodies while they were remnants of despair, and Nagito never seemed to gain back the weight he'd lost.
Soon, they arrived at the Library. Hajime had to wait for Ngaito a couple of times as he found himself short of breath on the walk there. Nagito had apologised profusely for his 'pathetic stamina', but Hajime really didn't mind. They made their way in to see that it was empty as per usual.
They passed the time chatting and reading and generally enjoyed each other's company.
"It's hot in here," Nagito commented after about half an hour.
Hajime looked bemused, "that's weird for you isn't it, you're usually the cold one."
Nagito reached around to pull his hoodie off and slung it over the back of the chair he was sat on, "I guess you're right, I'm always complaining about something, aren't I?," Nagito said as he ran a hand through his hair. Hajime got a look at Nagito's arms for the first time in a while. They were paper white, thin, and absolutely covered in bruises. Purple, black and blue patches covered his arms from where his shirt sleeve ended down to his right wrist and left prosthetic, a couple even on the back of his hand that Hajime hadn't noticed previously.
"What happened?" Hajime stared in shock, he'd never seen one person sustain as much bruising as he was witnessing right now.
Nagito looked a little sheepish, moving his arms under the table, "I'm so clumsy, I'm always getting myself hurt. It's fine, you don't have to worry, I've always bruised easily."
Hajime felt more than a little concerned after seeing the state of Nagito's arms. He gestured gently for Nagito to bring his arms up onto the table, and he did cautiously before Hajime took one of his hands on his own. He turned his arm over carefully, inspecting all of the bruises and growing more concerned by the minute. "Nagito, are you..." he swallowed a lump that had at some point formed in his throat, "are you feeling okay?"
He didn't want to start thinking down that road, obviously he didn't, but he felt Izuru stir deep down inside him, telling him something was definitely wrong. All the dots in his mind started clicking together. He'd overslept, and seen so worn out and out of breath, as well as being hot, bruising easily, not gaining any weight back, it made Hajime's head spin with a sudden worry. He hoped he was just overthinking.
Nagito considered the question before replying, "not much worse than usual, why?"
Hajime's thoughts buzzed around in his head for a while. Sure, before the surgery he'd been a talentless nobody, but now he had all of the knowledge and talent of Izuru Kamukura under his belt. Something about this was ringing alarm bells in his head.
"Is it just your arms?" he asked, looking Nagito in the eye.
Nagito responded quietly, "well, I've noticed them on my legs, and some on my back and chest. But like I said, it's no use worrying about someone like me. My body has always been weak, and I'm so clumsy, I'm bound to be covered in bruises. I'm sorry you had to see something so unsightly," he trailed off.
Hajime furrowed his brow, "would you show me?"
Nagito looked a bit puzzled, "geez Hajime, if you wanted to see me naked you could've just asked," he chuckled in a carefree way that made Hajime more and more frustrated. Nagito loved to try and deflect like this, often making things awkward or changing the subject in order to avoid talking about something that made him uncomfortable.
"Nagito, please, I'm a little worried right now," Nagito's face was unreadable. He looked a little confused but also frustrated as he gave in. He took his time as he pulled his shirt up to reveal a pretty sizable bruise on his stomach, and Hajime also got a glimpse of the ribs and hipbones that jutted out beneath his skin as well. Hajime moved to inspect his back, and there it was even worse, he was smattered with them, of all sizes, purple, blue, yellow, brown; this wasn't normal.
"God, Nagito-" Hajime gasped, feeling awful with himself. How had he not noticed? All of his stupid, unnecessary artificial talent and he couldn't even spot the telltale signs that something was seriously wrong with one of his best friends.
Nagito let his shirt fall back down, making him look a great deal bigger again as Hajime looked at him with worry. "You have been taking care of yourself, right? I mean, all of that stuff you told me back then, your condition-"
"Why does it matter?" Nagito cut him off, "If my luck is bad enough to let me die of a petty sickness then I'm not even worthy of being called the ultimate lucky student."
Nagito's face was hard when he said this, like it was something he truly believed. Hajime reeled slightly, he wasn't ready to hear the words, 'die' and 'sickness' come so sharply. He'd told Hajime a long time ago about his condition, and played it off as a lie. Hajime just pushed it to the back of his mind. How stupid. Hajime wanted to slap himself.
"Nagito, why didn't you tell me it was this bad, you know you can't just rely on your talent to keep you alive," Hajime felt seriously worried now, he knew Nagito wouldn't dream of asking for help with anything, let alone something like this, meaning this had to have been going on for a while now.
Nagito went to put his jacket back on, "why not?"
Hajime felt dumbfounded and didn't even know what to say, "because you need a doctor, someone who can help you."
Nagito scoffed a little, "I wouldn't want to waste their time, besides, I doubt they'd be able to do anything for me anyway, The only thing that kept me alive past my life expectancy was luck, remember?" The way Nagito said the last part so casually as if it was nothing sent a jolt through Hajime. Nagito's life expectancy. The words felt sick and wrong as they swam through his thoughts.
Hajime felt a pit in his stomach grow and deepen as he looked Nagito in the face, "I think we should go and see Mikan."
Nagito grit his teeth and looked a little annoyed, "don't bother her, I'll be fine, Hajime, seriously."
Hajime walked closer to Nagito and put a hand on Nagito's arm, causing him to flinch ever so slightly before settling down. "I want you to be okay, Nagito, it's okay to rely on others for help." Hajime looked at him, expression stern and serious. Nagito shrunk a little under the gaze.
After a long moment of silence, Nagito's voice returned, albeit quiet and raspy, "okay."
Mikan was a lot different nowadays. Hajime thought about this as he watched her, going about her business. Her hair was shorter, just past shoulder length and it as well as her bangs had grown out evenly. Her face was a lot less pallid and she had a bit more grace and professionalism about her.
After explaining Nagito's condition to Mikan, she looked horrified and immediately dragged them both over to the hospital so that she could give Nagito a proper exam. She muttered the whole way, mostly repeating the words, "you really shouldn't have kept this to yourself."
Once at the hospital Nagito looked like he'd ran a marathon and Mikan wasted no time getting prepared. She buzzed around the hospital like it was second nature and began asking questions along the way. How long ago was your diagnosis? Have you found any strange lumps or bumps? Do you have night sweats? Pain? Fatigue? Appetite loss? Weight loss? A cough?
Nagito looked a little overwhelmed and Hajime looked at him reassuringly from across the room. He stood out of Mikan's way unless she asked him for assistance, and Nagito sat on the bed in the corner of the room. The hospital on the island was a lot less barebones than the one in the simulation. There was way more room, and lots more equipment and resources at their disposal.
Mikan saw the look on Nagito's face and gasped, "I-I'm sorry, I was being too forceful ," she blushed and looked disgusted with herself. She sat down on the chair next to the bed Nagito was on. Mikan's words trembled as she spoke, a habit she'd slowly lost over the years but came back whenever she was stressed.
"I know this is really difficult, It m-must be really scary and I really would l-like to help you," Mikan calmed her tone.
Nagito sighed, "I'm not scared about it. I've been like this for most of my life now." he looked at his lap as he spoke, "the thing that bothers me is how much trouble I'm causing right now."
Mikan looked a bit taken aback. Hajime sighed sadly.
"This is my fault, it's my own stupid luck that got me sick in the first place, you guys shouldn't burden yourself with someone like me."
Mikan gingerly took Nagito's hand and looked at him, "Nagito, please, may I t-tell you something?"
Nagito skirted around meeting her eyes, but appeared to be listening. He also seemed to appreciate the contact, however small.
"P-please don't think I' t-trying to p-p-patronise you," she exhaled deeply, "but, I know how you feel. My whole life I-I've had horrible self esteem. I never had any confidence in myself, I truly believed that I w-was worth n-nothing," Mikan was right. When Hajime knew her in the simulation, she'd start crying if anyone even looked at her funny. People walked all over her, and if anyone was going to begin to understand where Nagito was coming from it was her.
"It might sound a little stupid, but I used to feel that way too," Hajime nodded reassuringly, "before I joined Hope's Peak, and even while I was there in the reserve course, I thought my lack of talent made me completely worthless." Nagito inhaled sharply and winced ever so slightly when he said that, remembering the times he'd teased Hajime over his lack of talent.
"But both of us, we realised that we are worthy, and we got better. It was only because of a certain someone that I was able to start believing in myself. You have to try as well."
Nagito looked unconvinced, "I don't think this is a matter of poor self esteem. I think it's a fact that no matter what, someone who is born useless will always be useless. It's just the way it is. I'm hopeless, arrogant and selfish as it is, so any attempt at making myself feel better about that would just be ridiculous," Nagito pushed his head into his hands, smoothing his hair back before letting them rest in the tangled mess. "You guys are full of hope, of course you can achieve amazing things. Someone like me can only watch from the side lines"
Hajime sighed for what felt like the hundredth time that day, whatever issues Nagito had were deep rooted and couldn't be solved with just a pep talk, but still it hurt not being able to get through to him even a little.
"W-will you at least let me r-run a few tests, please?" Mikan tried, "I p-promise you, it wouldn't be any trouble at all, and it would be a g-good idea to see what we're up against."
Nagito looked reluctant, but his tense figure then relaxed. "Fine, but I just don't understand why two ultimates would go through the effort for a pathetic lowlife like me."
Hajime smiled sympathetically, "we're your friends, Nagito, you can't keep treating us like we're gods or something just because we're ultimates."
Nagito didn't reply to that. Hajime suspected he'd probably tired himself out.
Mikan spoke up again "I'd like to do r-run tests to see where we are, and what t-treatment might look like."
Nagito looked a little sick.
"Have you ever undergone an-any treatment?" Mikan asked, seeing his expression. Nagito shook his head.
Mikan cleared her throat, "it's okay, e-everything will be okay," she smiled, "it's going to be tough, b-but it will help you."
Hajime rested his hand on Nagito's shoulder, feeling that he'd gone completely rigid. He said he wasn't scared of the illness, so Hajime suspected that it was perhaps the treatment that Nagito dreaded.
"Hey," he said softly as Nagito put his hand over Hajime's where it rested, "you're gonna be okay."
Nagito sighed quietly, nodding but not looking completely convinced.
"I-I'd like to start with a simple blood test for today, t-then maybe we could think about the rest t-t-tomorrow," Mikan looked bashful suddenly, "u-unless you don't want to, you don't have to."
Hajime smiled appreciatively, "that sounds good, but really it's up to Nagito to decide," Hajime looked over to Nagito.
Nagito spoke quietly still, "I guess we should get it done so you guys can focus on more important things."
Mikan smiled at his this, "everything is g-going to be fine, Nagito."
Nagito nodded, his face still flat and unreadable, "sure."
Mikan went about taking Nagito's blood, securing a tight band around the top of his arm and taking the sample. Nagito didn't so much as flinch when the needle entered, watching the whole time as the blood filled the container.
Mikan taped a little cotton ball over where the needle entered, "y-you're welcome to go home and rest if you'd like, w-we can think about this more tomorrow when y-you're both r-rested."
With that, Hajime and Nagito left the hospital, leaving Mikan to analyze the results. Hajime made it clear to her before leaving that she could call him for help with anything at all, and Mikan squeaked out her thanks.
Hajime walked Nagito back to his cottage as the golden rays of 8:00pm sun engulfed the island. Hajime took a long look at Nagito once they reached the cabins after a long walk in silence. The sun caught on his thin, sharp features and cast a brilliant halo on Nagito's hair.
Hajime offered a reassuring smile to Nagito, who looked totally beaten down. It was nice being able to at least tell what Nagito was feeling just by looking, but it didn't prevent the cold ache it left in his heart to see his dejected face.
"Hey," Hajime put a reassuring hand on Nagito's arm. He realised quickly he wasn't sure what to say. Nagito never seemed reassured by words alone, and Hajime racked his brains for a way to make him feel a bit better.
"Do you wanna come back to my cottage and talk about it?"
Nagito seemed to start, looking at Hajime before immediately averting his gaze to the ground again.
"Don't worry about wasting your time trying to help me, I'll probably-"
"Don't." Hajime looked dead serious. "Come on, you're fine. I won't force you if you don't want to though."
Nagito nodded ever so slightly, and if it weren't for Hajime staring at his face with intensity he would've missed it. Hajime smiled, only a little more assurance was needed for Nagito to follow him willingly.
“I mean, if you really want to be in the presence as a disgusting toad like me, then I won't object.”