Work Text:
She remembers well the first time she fell in love with the stars. It was a few years after Mother brought her back, though time was so arbitrary to her she could not remember quite how long after her resurrection it was. The grand balls had grown stale, the game tired, and she found herself longing for purpose, something for which she could say she dedicated her new life to. She never uttered a word of this to Mother - as far as Mother was concerned, her purpose was to assist her in obtaining girls; that was the reason Mother enacted her rescue, of course. Still, she longed for something to complete her, something to drive her and fill her with passion.
There were a great many ideas on what the purpose of life was. For the longest time, people had attributed this purpose to serving a higher power, usually in the form of a deity, by going to religious services and honoring the Commandments. It usually manifested for men by being expected to provide for their family, work, and provide safety. For women, there was no better way to garner the favor of God (and a good husband) than by living chaste, subservient lives and marrying young and providing your husband with children, especially if those children were sons.
The world she grew up in was awfully black and white, and being what she was, she was unable to put much stock in ideas of deities and an eternal afterlife.
During her human life, she had been actively discouraged from a great many things, and provided only the bare minimum of others - such as education - that she received purely due to her status. She had always longed for more, and upon her revival, she found she was able to obtain it. She studied languages, sciences, mathematics, and literature the world over, but it was philosophy that captured her interest the most. Her passion for philosophy grew exponentially and, though she could not say it was her purpose, it breathed new life into her. Existentialism in particular had a grasp on her, though she was never able to fully find agreement with any of the theories, because it offered her solace.
She wasn't alone, and her immortality hadn't completely removed her humanity.
She had gone so long and never found a purpose - after centuries of existence, she became jaded. She became convinced that there was no purpose to living; existence, she mused while gazing at the stars, was futile and temporary and no one's life really mattered in the grand scheme of things. She had found herself thinking "These stars have existed for longer than anyone. They have witnessed the birth of civilizations and the subsequent demises of them as well. They have seen millions of births and millions of deaths - no existence, human or otherwise can possibly compare to their majesty".
So the stars became a way for her to remind herself of her insignificance, how unimportant her own suffering was, and as a reminder that she would never have a purpose.
Until Laura that is. Carmilla had never been a fan of someone else giving you purpose or fulfilling you - it seemed absurd to her, even as a girl in the 17th century, that someone was not complete by themselves - and the notion of someone being your 'other half' felt like a clinging, desperate need for reassurance. Laura challenged those ideas in a way she had never experienced - even with Ell.
Falling in love with Ell had been sweet, romantic, simple, and comforting - it was like a relaxing bath, requiring no effort. Laura, however, was quite different. She was fierce, stubborn, and unrelenting in her pursuits. Falling in love with Laura was different, because they challenged each other, supported each other and made one another better people. Their relationship was filled to the brim with passion that manifested in a powerful love-hate relationship, always simmering underneath the surface. Laura made her work for it, and Carmilla made Laura work for it as well.
They were equals, despite their rather impressive age gap and personalities. They contradicted each other, but balanced each other perfectly; it wasn't easy, but it was worth the effort. Laura was worth every ounce of work Carmilla put into this relationship and it still gave her butterflies that Laura thought Carmilla was worth the effort too. She found her purpose in a headstrong, optimistic, and perceptive human - someone to protect, love, respect, support, and learn from, and someone who would be all those things to her in return. It wasn't how she imagined she would find her purpose, but she couldn't deny she was pleased. Thus the stars took on new meaning - no longer did they represent the worthlessness of existence, but instead they represented the endless possibilities of said existence.
She wasn't sure how long she stood there staring at the starts, contemplating the new meaning they had taken on for her, when she heard slow, deliberate footsteps nearby. She looked behind her, unsurprised to see Laura coming closer to where she stood. When they had just a few inches between them, Laura halted her steps and looked Carmilla in the eyes for a few moments before turning her gaze upwards, Carmilla's eyes never leaving her face.
"They're beautiful" Laura said softly.
"Not nearly as beautiful as you, cutie" Carmilla responded, not even trying to hide the raw sincerity in her voice. Laura turned to face her once more, a faint blush on her cheeks that brought the smallest smirk to Carmilla's face.
"I'm sorry" Laura breathed, lowering her gaze and bringing her head downwards, "I didn't mean to interrupt you, it's just that you aren't usually gone so long and I-I got a little worried I guess".
Carmilla's breath caught at her words, but before she could respond she noticed that Laura was shivering and realized the girl had not worn a coat out. Carmilla shrugged out of her leather jacket quickly, placing it onto Laura's shoulders instead, glaring when Laura tried to protest that she wasn't cold. After making sure that Laura was warmer, Carmilla sighed before placing both of her hands on either side of Laura's face, gently raising her chin up so that their eyes met once more.
"You aren't interrupting me Laura, and I'm sorry. I didn't mean to worry you, I guess I lost track of time." Carmilla said, her voice gentle but firm. Laura gave a small smile, making a noncommittal sound that said she was forgiven. Carmilla smiled wryly, lowering her head slightly to brush her lips across Laura's forehead.
"We should probably get back inside - it's late". Laura nodded once and Carmilla dropped her hands and placed one of them in one of Laura's, prompting her to give it a quick squeeze as they started walking in contented silence back to their dorm.