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“Why do we even have to walk all the way for this dumb Jinchuriki?” Hidan complained, holding his arms behind his head. “ I don’t got any beef with it, and it’s not like I’m gonna be able to use it for my rituals, so what’s the point? Oh, and it’s fucking dark! I’m tired!!”
Kakuzu bit the inside of his mouth and tensed up. “You are a part of the Akatsuki whether you like it or not.”
“Well I don’t like it.”
“And that doesn’t matter. You do what the Leader says until we finish our goals and you do it without complaint.”
“Not complaining wasn’t in the contract,” Hidan grumbled, picking at the rope connected to his scythe.
Kakuzu didn’t reply, but judging by how his steps got just a tad bit heavier, he had heard Hidan’s final words. Good. The old jerk deserved to be ticked off. All Kakuzu ever seemed to do was groan, snap at him, count money like he knew how to do math, and tell him to shut up. He treated Hidan like some little unruly kid he was being forced to babysit by the Leader. It wasn’t fair.
Hidan crossed his arms and fell back, walking a little ways behind Kakuzu. The grump of a man didn’t seem to care or notice. Does he think he can just abandon me in these cold ass woods? Hidan thought. I’d like to see him try and get the Jinchuriki without my help. He’d die on the fucking spot.
He paused for a moment then started to laugh. Imagining Kakuzu all beaten and bloody underneath the paws of a Tailed Beast was sending him into a fit of hysteria. Hidan held a hand up to his mouth and tried to contain his amusement, but to no avail. Kakuzu stopped in front of him and turned around, annoyance clear as the night sky appeared on his face.
Hidan smirked at him and stood up straight. Kakuzu actually dying definitely wasn’t very funny, but the act of him biting the dust had to be the funniest thing Hidan thought of that day. Imagining the proud man coughing up blood made him snort again, and that seemed to be the final straw for Kakuzu.
“Would you shut up, Hidan!” he growled, tightening his grip on his empty briefcase.
“I'm not even talking, dumbass. I’m laughing .”
“At your own idiodic fantasies. Keep those to yourself.”
“Whaaaat?” Hidan grinned, running up to Kakuzu and slinging his arm over his shoulders. “I’m just imagining how funny your face would be if it were slammed into the dirt by some weak ass Jinchuriki. It’s nothing idiodi c, grumpy.”
Kakuzu rudely shoved Hidan’s arms off of him and hardened his fist, turning around to swing it at him. Hidan’s face took on an expression of pure delight at the action. A fight! A scuffle! They were always the most fun with Kakuzu. The cultist whipped out his scythe, being just a fraction of a moment too late, and felt nearly the entirety of force of punch on his chest, sending him stumbling backwards onto his ass.
He wheezed and stood up, using his oversized weapon as an anchor, and threw it at Kakuzu. The largest scythe head made contact, wrapping around the waist of his friend. Hidan’s smile widened as he got ready to pull back on the rope, hoping to bring Kakuzu close enough so he could return the previous punch. An eye for an eye, dumbfuck. Or uh… a bruised sternum for a bruised sternum , he supposed.
Hidan laughed like a maniac and yanked as hard as he could. Kakuzu was immortal just like he was, so he wouldn’t die from being potentially cut in half. Just mildly inconvenienced until his next heart took control and brought him back to life. Hidan closed his eyes for a split second while rearing his fist back, ready to savour the flesh on flesh contact he was about to experience. But of course, Kakuzu would never be so incompetent as to just stand there and take an attack.
“You really are a child,” he mused with a hint of a smile underneath his mask.
Hidan flinched and opened his eyes. He saw nothing in front of him except for his scythe, now laying in the dirt at his feet. Oh Jashin… he inwardly cringed, we’re really in it now.
From behind him, Kakuzu seized Hidan’s wrist and pulled it backwards, just enough to be incredibly painful and not break the bone. Hidan's breath hitched as he kicked his legs and tried to wrench away from the forceful grasp. Kakuzu sighed and held on tighter, bending Hidan’s wrist just a little bit more.
“Ow!! That fucking hurts you asshole!” he cried, reaching backwards with his free hand to try and scratch at his attacker. “Jerk move, jerk move, jerk move !”
“There’s no jerk moves when I’m stopping a temper tantrum,” Kakuzu sighed.
“I'm not having a fucking temper tantrum you old bitch ! I’m tired and hungry and exhausted and done with your daddy shtick!”
“Daddy shti-?”
Hidan cut off Kakuzu’s dumb question by tearing his hand upwards, breaking the bone instantly. He hissed and felt his knees buckle at the sudden shot of blinding pain. Hidan forced himself to stand strong though, and he used the shock of the situation to pull free from the iron tight grasp of Kakuzu, falling forwards onto the ground. The metal of his scythe clanged against his headband and necklace as he fell atop of it.
Kakuzu stared down at him in contempt and a little bit of respect, but quickly regained his composure and held his palm to his forehead. Another migraine was coming. He exhaled, walking over to where Hidan was slumped on the forest floor, smirking like he was some kind of genius.
“How long will that take to heal?” Kakuzu flatly asked.
“Dunno. But we shouldn’t walk while I’m injured, right Kakuzu buddy? I’m a… I’m a reliability.”
“You’re a burden is what you are.”
“Yeah I am!” Hidan laughed, pushing himself up and smiling wide.
Kakuzu glared at him and got no reaction besides a middle finger to the face. He made a reach for Hidan’s intact wrist but the other man pulled back fast as the wind.
“One broken hand is enough.”
“It’s your wrist that’s broken.”
“Same thing,” Hidan groaned, turning tail to sprint towards the trees lining the path.
“Where do you think you’re going?”
“To relax and heal myself away from the judgy public eye, duh.”
Hidan stuck his tongue out at his friend and disappeared into the woods. He sighed a breath of relief at how they shielded him from the wind chill. It was illegally cold out that night, and temperature only helped make him more sleepy. He felt like he was comatose walking on his feet, ready to pass out on any mildly comfy patch of grass. And that he did.
Pulling up his cloak all the way, Hidan crawled down and lay in the crook of two large tree routes, cradling his broken wrist close to his chest. It’s peaceful without grumpy-ass Kaku to annoy me, he cheekily thought. That jerk. Thinking I’m some idiot or something. Forcing me to eat healthy. Who does he think he is? Hidan frowned and snuggled in closer in his cloak, shivering slightly. Damn it was cold. It was spring, it shouldn’t be freezing anymore!
Eventually after a few minutes, he heard silent footsteps making their way towards him, paired with annoyed groans and mutterings. Hidan bit his lip and held his arms over his head, not caring about the dull pang of pain coming from his left side. His wrist was already healing nice enough, and it felt more like a small sprain than a full on break. Yeah yeah, that one was my own fault, but Kakuzu made me do it.
“Well hello, mister dick head,” Hidan greeted in a singsong voice.
“For not wanting to be called a child you sure act like one.”
“And you act like you’re my boss or somethin, dummy!”
“Get up, Hidan,” Kakuzu snapped.
“Stop lying to yerself,” Hidan said, drawn out and filled with exasperation. “You’re tired too, I can tell. If you were spick and spry then you would have already kicked me to my feet, right?”
“Of course I’m tired, you idiot. But time is money, and we have to find the Jinchuriki.”
“Yawnnnn! Jashin , you’re always so serious. Can’t you ever let loose or let me do what I want?”
Hidan rolled over onto his back and threw his arms up, twisting them around while staring at the semi-visible night sky. Kakuzu didn’t say anything else, and he appreciated that. Looking upwards, Hidan could accept how beautiful the stars and glowing moon were. He had never been a night owl- preferring to go to bed early and wake up late- but on long missions like this, he got a better understanding of things.
Hidan sighed and dropped his arms down. His wrist still hurt, making him hiss when it fell on the tree root beside his head. Damnit, he mumbled. Smart idea at the time I guess. Heh ha! Hidan giggled to himself and propped himself up on his elbows. Kakuzu stood near him, looking down with an unreadable expression.
“Why don’t we just take a short break? Pleeeaaase ?”
“We can’t lose time.”
“Well, I’m not moving from this spot until I get some shut eye,” Hidan stated, closing his eyes to accentuate his point. “You might as well lay down too, eh Kaku?”
“You’re insufferable.”
“And you’re gonna take a nap.”
Hidan stretched and patted the ground beside him. Kakuzu almost seemed to cringe at the thought of sleeping on the ground. Pussy. What are you gonna do? Sleep standing up? That’s pretty stupid.
After a silent moment and a long smirk from Hidan, Kakuzu relented and sat down, making sure there was a tree root and his briefcase between him and his partner. There was no way in hell he was going to deal with his antics anymore than he had to. It was bad enough having to listen to him talk when he was conscious, but the fact that Hidan had the audacity to snore and sleep-talk and roll around was the final straw.
A flash of silver hair in the corner of Kakuzu’s eyes made him hit his head on the back of the tree trunk. Of course. Just as soon as he even thought of that pest, he came crawling towards him. Kakuzu shifted his gaze to side eye him and was greeted with Hidan leaning on his briefcase, cheek in his hand and kicking his legs. God help me.
“You er, look a little cold there, Kaku buddy,” Hidan said with a smile.
“I’m not.”
“Yeah well I didn’t say you were cold. It’s like you don’t even listen to me. I said you looked cold.”
“Shut up, Hidan.”
“I’m actually cold too! You know, even with it being springtime and all…”
“Just spit it out already.”
“Jeez, way to be blunt, Kaku,” Hidan groaned. He crawled further onto the tree root and thus, closer to his partner's personal bubble. “I’ll spit it out if you waaaant , but you’re gonna say no.”
Kakuzu stayed silent, and Hidan continued. “Since you’re cold, and I’m freezing my skinny ass off, I was wondering if we could possibly… maybe …”
“Cuddle?” Kakuzu interrupted, already knowing what Hidan was going to say.
“Mhmm! Just think about it before you throw me halfway across the clearing!! It’s just a mutual sharing of body heat, nothin’ more than that, buddy.”
“No.”
“Come on! What if I just lay on your legs? I’ll be far away from your face so I won’t be able to annoy you.”
“You’re just as far away now and still annoying me.”
“Well you just get annoyed easily then,” Hidan shrugged.
Before another word could be uttered, Hidan slithered his way over the tree root and crawled onto Kakuzu’s legs, laying his chest on top of his partner's fibula. Kakuzu protested and pulled back, but Hidan just started to whine and hugged onto his impromptu pillows.
“Get off of me, you child!” Kakuzu spat.
“This is called a compromise, dumb fuck. I sleep down here and get warm and toasty, and you ignore me and pretend I’m some cute oversized kitty cat.”
“Hidan.”
“ What ?” he groaned, secretly mocking Kakuzu as he spoke.
“If I let you sleep there then I expect to not hear a single complaint from you tomorrow.”
“Aww, you do love me, Kuzu!”
“It’s called a compromise,” Kakuzu said, a small smile hidden underneath his mask.
“Hey! Was that a joke coming out of your fucking mouth?” Hidan exclaimed, smiling widely and gripping Kakuzu’s ankles. “I really must be rubbing off on you.”
“We’re waking up in four hours.”
“Meanie.”
Hidan jokingly glared at him while still maintaining a light aura, laying his chest back down on the soft cloak that covered Kakuzu’s body. Sasori sure was a great sewer for always being hidden in that puppet of his. Hidan went through a minimum of three cloaks a week, so he frequently had to suck up to the scorpion kid or Leader.
He sighed and snuggled closer to Kakuzu, curling his body up like a dog. It only took him a few moments to fall asleep all cozied you like that, and his light snoring started up shortly after. Kakuzu exhaled and leaned his head back again, eventually falling asleep as well.
And it wasn’t as cold out in the night as before.