Work Text:
That Word
“Don’t use that word around me,” he reminded her as they stopped off the elevator into the common room. “Ever.”
“What word, Nick?” Maria asked, her face the very picture of innocence.
“You know what word, Hill.”
“What about,” she started to ask.
“Never. Not that word. Not any form of that word. Not any words that even remotely sound like that word. Don’t say them. Don’t even think them. I will know,” he warned.
“It’s just a word,” she reminded him.
“It’s an ugly word, even coming from the woman I love. It’s offensive and nasty and disgusting. It’s revolting.”
“Tell us what you really think,” Tony goaded him from his comfortable seat on the sofa next to Pepper.
“It’s a fucking nails-on-a-chalkboard word.”
“What’s a chalkboard?” Darcy asked innocently.
“You’re not THAT young,” Jane responded, rolling her eyes.”
“It was worth a try,” the younger woman muttered. After a moment, she straightened and turned to stare at the SHIELD directors. “Wait a minute. What word are you talking about? Not...that one?”
“No, nothing like that,” Maria assured her. “It’s not even really an offensive word,” she said.
“Maybe not to you, but it is to me,” he responded. “And a good many other people in my experience.”
Everyone in the room was now watching curiously.
“Silly people, if you ask me,” Maria shot back. “It’s a simple word. Middle English, from Anglo-French. Probably first used in the 14th century.”
“I. Don’t. Care.” he replied, interrupting her etymology lesson. “It’s a damned disgusting, vulgar word and should be banned from the language. I could happily go through the rest of my life without ever hearing it again.”
“You’ve got us all curious now,” Pepper told the duo.
“Do tell,” Tony added. “I’ve learned more profanity from the Pirate King than I did during my prep school days, and that’s saying a lot. I simply cannot imagine what word could be so offensive to a man who averages 5 ‘fucks’ per sentence during the course of a conversation and uses ‘damn mother fucker’ as a term of endearment.”
“Yes, please enlighten us,” Bruce added.
“You’re among friends,” Clint said.
“It’s not like we’d use it to torment you,” Natasha purred.
“Of course we will,” Tony corrected her.
Maria turned to her lover, eyebrow raised in question.
“You want to hand them ammunition?” he asked.
“Of course not,” she assured him. “It will remain our secret.”
“Come on,” Darcy urged. “We’d feel really bad if we accidentally said something that bothered you.”
“No, we wouldn’t.” Tony interrupted. “At least, I wouldn’t.”
“I would,” Darcy continued.
Nick sighed. “I suppose it is rather silly to let it bother me. After all, it is just a word.”
Darcy looked Maria expectantly. “So?”
Maria glanced at him again. He took a deep breath, then nodded.
And quickly stuck his fingers in his ears and started humming.
“Moist.”
“Moist?” Thor repeated, confused. “What’s wrong with,”
“Don’t say it again,” Tony yelled, slapping his hands over his own ears.
Pepper laughed. “As you can see, you’re not going to have to worry about Tony using it. He suffers from the same revulsion.”
“But doesn’t it just mean ‘damp’ or lightly wet?” the Asgardian asked, still clearly confused.
“It does,” Bruce confirmed with a smile. “But for some reason, a good number of people just really hate the word. It makes them very uncomfortable.”
“It’s called ‘word aversion’,” Jane supplied. “Something about conjuring up thoughts of bodily fluids of something.”
“Can we please just change the damned subject?” Fury bellowed.
“New subject has my vote,” Tony eagerly agreed. “How ‘bout them Yankees?”
“Moist…” Thor pondered.