Work Text:
Slender fingers brushed away stray strands of black hair from his eyes, a shuddering sigh leaving his lips as he glanced to the side and saw the dimly lit stage.
It would be his first gig back after almost 2 months of unexplained disappearance. Han Sooyoung, his closest friend and manager couldn't cover for him from their agency any longer.
"Hey.. you can do this. I know you'll be fine." She reassured him to give him confidence. But he knew, even Han Sooyoung was nervous about tonight.
Kim Dokja nodded his head and slowly walked his way out onto the stage, polite clapping meeting him as he seated himself on the piano stool, exhaling softly as fingertips ran across the closed lid before opening it. Black and white bars looked up at him with hopes of being performed in a piece he controlled.
Silence fell across the venue, everyone waiting patiently for the singer to start.
Long lashes falling shut, Kim Dokja allowed himself to be taken over by the emotions and memories of the past few weeks to take over- his fingers memorising endless hours of lone practices in his empty apartment.
• • •
" I can't overcome the sadness in my heart.
Another one of my sleepless nights, I endure it once more,
I really don't mind the sadness,
it absentmindedly wakes me up again in the morning "
He remembered the way the cold hard floors felt on his cheek, at long last his physical capacity having reached the maximum number of days it could stay awake. He couldn't bear to drag himself to the bed as it no longer gave a sense of comfort and warmth as it once had.
His eyes had been red and puffy from tears that fell, crying till he had no more tears to give to the world. He felt as though there was no more left in him to cry out- eyes now blank and lifeless as they stared around.
He only slept because he passed out.
He only woke up to suffer in sadness.
He truly was alone.
" the injury seems worse than I thought it'd be,
the pain seems to dig in deeper than I thought it would.
In the countless nights I spent resenting you,
it feels like I'm in hell "
He didn't know it would hurt this much- no, he never even thought of it as a possibility. To have the one person he cared for taken away from him so cruellyㅡ Kim Dokja called Yoo Joonghyuk selfish for leaving him so early.
Kim Dokja's frame shook as he sobbed over the hospital bed, fingers gripping onto the lifeless hand as if he could hold onto him long enough for him to come back.
How could he be gone so quick? Was the world really that evil to shove such a tragedy to Kim Dokja? He cursed at everyone, blaming anyone he could for the death of his companion- even Yoo Joonghyuk himself.
It was hopeless. No amount of anger and suffering would bring him back and the singer knew that. He had tried so hard but the emptiness of the seat opposite him on the dinner table would never be filled again.
" please just stay by my side, please remain here,
don't let go of my hand as you're holding it in yours,
if this takes you a step further away from me,
all I have to do is take a step closer isn't it? "
Swirls of emotions crashed within him, all screaming for the one man that had left his side, begging for another year, week, day with him. To see him one last time and say everything he wanted to-
And a few nights he had been determined to see him again, eyes blank and trembling as his mentality was slowly beginning to be swallowed by a darkness that was tempting him. Tempting Kim Dokja with the promise of being with him. All he had to do was take a step-
The wind had been almost tantalizingly refreshing against his skin with a view of the city lights glittering below.
" a thousand times in a day,
your face repeatedly appears in my thoughts,
the sharp words you said to me,
those empty eyes, that cold expression
you're quite a pretty person, aren't you,
you're quite a pretty person, aren't you?
please don't do this to me,
you know me well enough, don't you? "
The funeral had been private, only for those who were family or close friends with him.. but Kim Dokja didn't remember any of the faces who had attended, staring only at Yoo Joonghyuk's open casket. His face too pale- too chilling.. It haunted Kim Dokja for days, the same lips he once gazed at now blaming him so cruelly.
As he knelt on the cold floor he asked why he was doing this to him, the pain- the emptiness, the sorrow and heartbreak turning him into a broken man.
Kim Dokja begged to be freed.
" I'm not being myself, I don't have the confidence,
I can't endure it any longer, the days without you,
What now, what do I do now,
I really don't know, I'm nothing without you.
Please just hug me, hug me even for a while,
without any words, please just run towards me,
with my lonely and uneasy heart,
I'm still here waiting for you. "
Kim Dokja confessed.
" I love you, I love you,
I shout it out after staying in this long silence,
it may seem weak and childish, but it's my true feelings "
As his song came to a close, his eyes fluttered open, tilting up his head to look up at the blinding lights. He wondered if Yoo Joonghyuk had heard him and if he did.. What would he have said? Questions and hopes would be left unanswered but it was okay;
Kim Dokja knew the stars would be shining brighter tonight.