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It wasn’t her secret to tell, but it was hers to keep.
Toby was sick, properly sick. All those years of living on the streets, backrooms full of cigarette smoke had caught up with him.
He knew for months before he told anyone and of course just like Toby the news came in the most dramatic way possible.
Happy can see every second of that moment when she closed her eyes, haunting her. The shout from Cabe whom couldn’t move quickly enough and crash as Toby’s body drops to the ground.
The final thump still echoes in the back of he mind.
Logically she understands why he didn’t tell them.
Walter would move Toby into the broken toy box area of his brain, sitting next to Megan waiting to be fixed.
Paige would not only take on the roll of mother to Toby but would also subconsciously slowly remove Ralph from Toby life, not to be cruel but to protect Ralph. He shouldn’t have to loose someone else.
Sylvester would cry.
Happy wasn’t sure how she was predestined to react, Toby would know. Happy wouldn’t ask, it would only make her feel guilty.
As she watched him through the glass window of Toby’s hospital room the guilt washes over her, thinking about all the time wasted on jokes and insecurities.
She had spoken to the doctor alone, feeling Walter’s eyes on the back of her head hurt that Toby had chosen her to be his emergency contact.
Later when the mood was light she would break it to him that Toby was not only hers but Sylvester’s as well.
The Doctor’s hand on her shoulder breaks her trance “Ms, do you understand? Your husband is very ill; he should not be doing any sort of strenuous activity. Let alone running around fighting bad guys.”
…’Husband’ another secret she kept, at the time it felt romantic, safe, something that was hers and hers alone. It was the illogical secret, the one that was going to be even harder to share.
“I understand. Can I see him now”
The doctor gives her a look, she almost expects him to say something to the affect of ‘you look with your eyes’ or ‘you can see him perfectly through the window’. But he doesn’t just mumbles “just you for now” and turns away.
She doesn’t look back and she walks into his room, knowing the five sets of eyes watching her every move would beg her to come out a tell them what was happening.
She can’t say the words out loud yet, it would make them real.
Toby’s eyes meet hers straight away; glazed with the affects of painkillers and everything else they were pumping into him.
“Hi”
Happy doesn’t reply, just cups his faces and slide onto the bed next to him. She clings to him wordlessly, holding her breath hoping for time to stay still.
She doesn’t know how long they are like this, Toby falls asleep with his head on her shoulder grasping her slightly tighter that usual. Her hand slowly stroking his head, forgetting the world that is waiting.
She is crying, she doesn’t know when she started or is she can stop.
The group’s frustration finally over powers the nurses’ station.
Cabe walks through gathers them all up and flashes his badge. Paige is the first at the door, hesitating when she sees the couple through the glass.
Not even when speaking of her childhood had Paige ever seen Happy look so frail. Ralph pushes past her and barges through the door before she could stop him.
“Happy, what’s going on? Why didn’t you come out? We were waiting?” Walter demands as he follows Ralph into the room, not noticing the tears on Happy’s face or even the way she was holding Toby.
He is cut off with Paige hitting him in the chest, indicating not the wake Toby.
Happy stays silent looking up at all of them with big eyes, holding the still sleeping Toby slightly closer as if to protect him.
They were all there; waiting for an answer she wasn’t ready to give.
Paige giving Walter a look of exasperation, Sylvester holding Ralph’s hand making sure he didn’t pull at any of the tubes and monitors connected to Toby and Cabe not looking at Toby at all.
He sees the broken young woman holding him not ready for what was happening.
He had seen this before, been in her position. Desperately grasping the idea that if you didn’t say it out loud it wasn’t happening.
He knew about the marriage, he had alerts when something changed in their permanent records. Put there originally after too many misunderstandings and arrests.
He was even hurt when he read the news, thinking they had chosen not to include him in the event. He decides to take the high road by going to warehouse that afternoon with a bottle of champagne. It was clear after seconds of arriving that is was a secret, so he tucked the bottle behind some books to be remembered at a later date.
He knew what this felt like; he didn’t have any advice to give.
Taking a seat in the chair next to Happy, leaning in, placing his hand on her shoulder rubbing circles with his thumbs.
“It will be ok, he’s a fighter”
The room quietens down as everyone slowly realises how upset Happy is, steadily taking seats. Walter takes Toby’s chart from the end of his bed eye contacting Happy as he does, silently asking for permission.
What feels like hours pass, a few different nurses pass through checking Toby’s vital, two commenting that Happy really shouldn’t be in the bed with him.
Those two nurses are ignored.
It’s late when Paige decides that Ralph must go home to sleep, which he is already doing on Walter’s shoulder.
“You should all go”
It’s the first thing Happy says since her conversation with the doctor, she does not mean it cruelly and it comes out crackly.
“They said he would be off the morphine tomorrow, so he’ll be awake” her sentences choppy and just to supply information trying desperately not to imply anything.
Happy’s eyes never looks away from Toby as if she was talking to her self.
No one attempts to get Happy come home with them, they know she wont leave Toby behind.
Toby is discharged a week later; he’s still Toby just a little slower physically. It’s a side affect of the medication he tells them.
There is to be no discussion on Toby’s illness.
Toby is very clear about this. He is more than happy to update the group when there is news but there will be not discussion about treatments, opinions given on the way things are being done.
Happy of course gets a say but that is expected and no one comments.
The news of their marriage does not happen on a good day.
Happy had gone out to help Paige with some errands, Walter and Sylvester are working down stairs and Toby wakes up choking on his own blood.
He smashes a glass to get help and in a panic falls off the bed to the ground, the next thing he knows he is surrounded by paramedics asking questions and the only words out of his mouth are ones crying out for his wife.
Toby believes a little something dies inside of him every time he sees Happy cry.
It happens more often now but its the most unexpected moments that break her, joking around the breakfast table, doing magic tricks for Ralph and on one really good night, during love making with tears run down her face.
He hates that what has broken down her walls is the one thing that could destroy her.
Sometimes when he is alone he worries that if he dies she will to.
On their second wedding anniversary he corners Paige and makes her promise him that she will make sure Happy will be ok if he does, he know he shouldn’t. He knows if Happy decides to leave with him she will and there is nothing anyone can do.
Toby doesn’t get better for a long time and then he does, he will never be the same the doctor says “There will always be a high risk of getting sick again”.
The damage is done though; everyone in their family has changed.
The most surprising outcome is Happy’s desire to have children; it was something that she never wanted before.
Like every other development in their lives, they do not tell the others they just start trying.
It’s Cabe who gets upset this time; Happy is almost six months pregnant when it’s discovered. They are on an army base out in the middle of nowhere and she falls. Tripping over the dirt, Toby teases her about it later “how can someone so little, throw themselves that far?”
Happy and the baby are both fine they are checked out by the onsite doctor but she was very upset that Happy was even on base in her condition.
So there is yelling and lectures on the way back in the car, luckily it’s just Toby and Walter being subjected to Cabe’s tirade as Paige and Sylvester had left with Happy earlier in the day.
Ruby Curtis-Quinn is born at 2:37am and comes out all pink and screaming, after it’s all over and both mother and child are cleaned up. Toby and Happy lay together in the hospital bed, Ruby in between them the couple taking turns counting her fingers and toes.
Hours later when Ruby is sleeping in the cot next to them with Toby’s head on Happy’s shoulder she runs her fingers through his hair stroking his head remembering the last time they were in the same position, when it felt like the world was crashing around them crumbling in their hands.
Toby’s shifts eyes looking up at her “hi”
Happy looks down at him, for once the tears are his eyes “hi”.