Work Text:
"You brought up WHAT out of all things?!" asked Satsuki to Kiri with a restrained, but still visibly embarrassed look on her face.
"Your love life, silly!" Kiri reiterates with a carefree expression. "Don't you think it's a little sad that a girl as attractive as you hasn't had any progress with whatever boy she's dreaming about?"
"Like you have any right to ask that, Miss Unmarried Head Attendant," retorts Satsuki, dodging the question.
"Hey now, don't make this about me," Kiri counters, secretly sending a hand signal to one of the other nearby attendants.
"Besides, I'm not worried about marriage when it can be put off until the time comes to decide whether producing an heir is worth my time or not."
"Oh?" Kiri tilts her head. "You think I was talking about a-" Seemingly out of the blue, interrupting the conversation is the sound of something falling onto the floor next to them. The two turn to be surprised by Natsume having dropped a sand rake on the ground. Satsuki looks at her for a second before turning back to Kiri the instant the tomboy tries the Bend and Snap move on her - bending over seductively to pick up the broom and snapping up with her chest out instead of crouching and standing like a dignified person.
The move does little other than provoke a jealous reaction from Ren in the background and garner confusion from Kiri - the head attendant had expected her to persuade one of the nearby male guests to do the move.
"You were saying?" Satsuki asks to Kiri, trying to get their conversation on track.
"Oh, goodness! I think I hear Ookami calling for me!" says Kiri, raising her hand to her face and dodging the question more blatantly than when Satsuki did so. "Gotta go!"
"What-? Hey, Kiri, wait a second!" Satsuki yells, just for Kiri to leave and walk elsewhere. "...Good grief. Does Kiri take me for a fool? I have the strangest feeling this isn't the end of it..." the purplenette mutters as she withdraws for a quick smoke break.
First came a broom carelessly dropping onto the floor of the mostly-empty hall, then came Natsume herself. "Watch this!" she exclaims before performing the Bend and Snap. To that tune, the heads of a small few people whip around to steal a glance - notably including Ren who is nonplussed, and excluding Kiri who is just in the hallway to hide from Satsuki.
"What's all this about?" asks Ren, a little out of the loop and slightly jealous of a passing guest's gaze on her love interest.
"Has Kiri talked to you about 'Legally Blonde'?"
"Legally wha...?"
"You know, that American script I found in the Lost and Found the other day?" Kiri chimes in, pulling a translated copy out from within her sleeves.
"Oh, the cheesy one we spent a week rehearsing before backing out of? What does that have to do with... whatever Natsume did?"
"The same Bend and Snap Kiri told me to do next to Satsuki," the tomboy answers. "I got no response."
"I thought she would talk one of the male guests into do it," Kiri counters with a half-jesting tone, taking note of Ren's souring expression. "It's not gonna work if Satsuki already knows you well enough and isn't interested in you."
"Well, nothing I can do about it now that it's happened." Natsume shrugs. One look outside and you can see Yuzu is also not far, with Satsuki talking to her about today's impending event. "So what now?"
"Do something other than what stunt you're thinking of?" Ren suggests in an exasperated tone as the girls present retire to the adjacent unoccupied room so any extras won't notice them, but keep the door cracked to keep an eye on today's subject.
"Nudging a friend into opening up a little is fine and all, but one slip-up and we'd look untrusting and homophobic."
"But what if things end up working out in the end?" Satsuki's elder sister asks as she barges in uninvited.
"Ah, right in the nick of time, Hiiragi! Hope you're used to Konohanatei's brand new version of the number!" Kiri greets her with a casual handwave. Apparently, she was the one to call her over from the shrine, and definitely not for an extermination job or to deliver any news. "Anywho, my thoughts exactly. I've been waiting long enough to minimize the chance of others butting in."
[[AUTHOR NOTE: If you so desire, this is where you're free to load up a music video and get ready to follow along.]]
"That's what we're aiming for!" Natsume chimes.
"Hooray for slow days!" Hiiragi cracks her knuckles, preparing to put on a different show than typically asked of her.
"There! Right There!" she begins, pointing an accusatory finger at her younger sister in the distance, who tries to tune her out.
"Look at that fair, well-tended skin!
Look at the killer shape she's in!
Look at that utterly hairless chin!
Oh please, she's gay, totally gay!"
Fully aware of Satsuki's interest in the younger blonde yet helpless to stop the resident boke Wise Guys™, Ren decides to give up and join in.
"I'm not about to celebrate;
Every trait could indicate
the totally straight expatriate.
This girl's not gay, I say not gay."
"That is the elephant in the room.
Well is it relevant to assume
that a woman who'd wear a suit
is automatically radically fey?" The four all sing in harmony while exchanging glances with each other.
"But look at her coiffed and crispy locks," Ren notes. How the purplenette being talked about manages to pull off the not-quite-bedhead look is anybody's guess.
"Look at her silk, translucent socks," Kiri brings up, relating to the questionable existence of the purplenette's sock translucency.
"There's the eternal paradox.
Look what we're seeing," Ren steps toward the door to gesture toward
"What are we seeing?" Kiri tilts her head.
"Is she gaaaaaay..."
"Of course she's gay," Hiiragi reaffirms with full confidence.
"Or European?" Ren finishes her line. At the ridiculousness of this suggestion, Natsume stifles a quick laugh.
"...Is she European?" she continues, a brief silence settling amongst the room as Natsume leaves to execute an idea blooming in her head.
"No, not really. Just roll with it," Kiri handwaves the issue.
"...Gay or European?" they begin after a few seconds, led by Hiiragi.
"It's hard to guarantee.
Is she gay or European?"
"Well, hey don't look at me," Kiri continues, separate from the other girls.
"You see, they raise their children different
in those charming foreign ports!" Ren brings up.
"They play peculiar sports..."
"In shiny shirts and tiny shorts!" The other three finish the sentence.
"Gay or foreign fella?
The answer could take weeks.
They both say things like 'Ciao Bella~'
while they kiss you on both cheeks."
"Oh, please," Hiiragi retorts.
"Gay or European?" the girls continued.
"So many shades of gray,"
"Depending on the time of day, the French go either way," Kiri jokes.
"Is she gay or European?
Or—"
"There! Right There!" Ren fills in for another character, coincidentally in time to see the purplenette's annoyed, forced grin in response to Natsume's butting into the conversation between her and Yuzu.
"Look at that condescending smirk.
Seen it on every girl at work!
That is a metro hetero jerk.
That girl's not gay, I say NO WAY!"
"That is the elephant in the room," everyone continues.
"Well is it relevant to presume
that a hottie in that costume..."
"Is automatically, radically..." Hiiragi sings.
"Ironically chronically..." Kiri adds.
"Certainly, pertinently..." Ren contributes.
"Genetically, medically..." Hiiragi appends, if not for lack of present singers.
"GAY!" all three declare simultaneously, right as Yuzu tries to make a silent move on Satsuki - apparently on Natsume's suggestion. The younger blonde yawns as she tries to rest an arm over the girl of her affections.
"OFFICIALLY GAY!
OFFICIALLY GAY GAY GAY GAY—"
Satsuki steals a glance towards the door's general direction and shoves Yuzu's arm away, turning away from everyone else to keep them from seeing her face heat up.
"DAMN IT!" Aforementioned singers shout.
"Gay or European?" The trio sings as Natsume swiftly withdraws from the other two foxes.
"So stylish and relaxed," Ren points out, while in the background Yuzu shies away from another attempt at romance and walks away in the same general direction as Natsume.
"Is she gay or European?"
"I think her legs are waxed," Kiri says.
"But they raise their children different there;
it's culturally diverse!" Natsume rejoins the singers.
"It's not a fashion curse..."
"If she goes for pants or lacks a purse!" The other three finish her sentences as Satsuki sits on a rock in defeat.
"Gay or just exotic?
I still can't crack the code."
"Yes, her accent is hypnotic
but her sandals are flat toed," Hiiragi lies about the first part, straight through her teeth.
"Huh...
Gay or European?
So many shades of gray!"
This is the point where someone would sing "But if she turns out straight I'm free at 8 on Saturday", if there were any significant men in the inn. Alas...
...Cough.
"Is she gay or European?
Gay or European?
GAY OR EURO—"
"Hold on, please!" a certain colleague of Hiiragi pops in out of nowhere, to that shrine maiden's brief surprise.
"I wish for a chance to crack this girl; I have an idea I'd like to try."
"The floor is yours, Ayame," Hiiragi waves her hands.
Ayame approaches Satsuki as the latter finally enters the room to see what everyone is doing.
"So, Satsuki-san..." The girl being addressed raises an eyebrow. "How well do you each of your coworkers?"
"Life with them has its ups and downs. I'll just say that."
"The colleague who gets on your nerves the most is?"
"She knows who she is." Natsume "casually" whistles in the background.
"The tiny, silent one's name is?"
"Sakura."
"And your girlfriend's name is...?" Ayame discreetly pulls down the upper folds of her white kosode robe and the garment directly beneath, exposing some cleavage which Satsuki's gaze unconsciously drifts down towards.
"Yuzu."
The girls feign surprise, a then-passing-by Sakura included.
"I-..." Satsuki turns beet-red as she realizes what she just said and Ayame moves to pull her own top back up. Nobody else is around, but she still moves to cover her slip-up.
"I'm sorry! I misunderstood! You said 'girlfriend' when I THOUGHT you meant 'female friend', as in 'best female friend'. Yuzu is, uh... my best friend."
"You... You liar!" a half-pained voice began, to Satsuki's shock. Everyone turns to see Yuzu herself, who had entered the room unnoticed after hearing the apparent commotion from outside.
"I'm sorry for saying this, but you liar!" she fires off, the blow softened somewhat by the smile she can't seem to un-crack. "That's it — there's no more use hiding from it!"
Steeling herself for the upcoming verses, she dashes over to position herself beside the subject of the song.
"Colleagues and trusted friends - I have a big announcement!
This girl is gay, NOT European!"
"Woah!" the girls gasp overdramatically.
"And neither is disgrace!"
"Oh!"
Yuzu turns toward the utterly-speechless Satsuki.
"You've got to stop your being
a completely closet case!"
The former turns back to the singers.
"The two traits aren't incompatible
no matter what one may say,
but the point is that she never ever swings the other way!"
The former turns toward Satsuki again.
"You are so gay,
You big parfait,
You flaming one-girl cabaret!"
"I'm STRAIGHT!" The purple-haired tomato exclaims, her last bits of denial welling up to the surface.
"You were not yesterday," Yuzu teases, and her girlfriend fails to come up with a counter.
"So if I may, I'm proud to say...
She's gaaaaaay!"
"Not European!" The original four chant.
"She's gaaaaaay!"
"Not European!"
"She's gaaaaaay!"
"Not European, but gaaaaaay!"
"Fine, okay! I'm gay!" Finally Satsuki admits it on her own.
"HOOOORAAAAAAAAAAY!"
"I DON'T RECALL REQUESTING AN EXORCISM OR A MUSICAL NUMBER, TODAY!" the Ookami barges in, just at tad too late to cut the glorious chant short. "And girls, I would MUCH RATHER prefer you get back to work!"
All attendants involved awkwardly stare at their boss before conceding and heading back inside in a big group. The two shrine maidens also quickly leave, their tasks here also done.
"Erm... Satsuki-chan..." a slightly-embarrassed Yuzu begins. "Sorry about all that..."
"It's fine, I guess..." this afternoon's subject grumbles, still recovering from the heat of the moment. "I'm more upset that everyone pulled a stunt this dramatic instead of something more normal.
Come to think of it, how many of you other girls have known about my feelings prior to now?"
"I did!" Natsume exclaims.
"I wasn't too bothered when I found out." Ren admits.
"...I had a hunch?" Sakura speaks up for once.
"I couldn't orchestrate the whole thing without having pieced it together first," Kiri states, before explaining, "You're not exactly an unreadable enigma, you know."
"I hate you guys... but..." Satsuki drops off as she quietly wraps her arm around the smaller blonde's shoulder. Everyone still ends up reading a 'thanks' from both despite their silence.
The two sneak in a quick kiss before the entire group divides into pairs to do separate things.
Not long after today's number, the Ookami takes the tally marks underneath "Days without an Incident" and tears them down, reducing the count from Forty One to Zero.