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I am so tired. The room seemed to spin as I looked around in confusion. I could only see shadows and muffled voices as another pain gripped my womb. My time had come. My child, Jamie’s child, wanted to be born.
My pains started in the morning. I had noticed a heaviness in my back and hips. I knew these were a sign I was close. I had reconciled my feelings with the child I carried within me only days ago when I suddenly realized I would have something of my Jamie to keep with me. At first I had resented the child, since it was the main reason Jamie had commanded me to go through the stones. I remembered his desperation to ensure our safety. I remembered the desperation at our parting. There were times I could feel his lips press against mine. I would even sometimes fantasized, just for a moment, Frank was Jamie. It was awful to do so. Frank was nothing like Jamie, nor was Jamie anything like Frank. It was unfair to them both. But it was one way I coped with my grief and longing.
I had tried to leave the hospital twice after immediately returning from the past. Both times I had resolved myself to return to Jamie. I did not care if I died. First time, the hospital staff found me a few minutes from the hospital. The second time I made it all the way to Craig Na Dunh, but at the last moment I remembered. Jamie was dead. And I crumbled in a heap at the base of the stones, my grief and despair piercing the countryside with a haunted voice. I could not go back. I had promised Jamie I would ensure his child would survive. I would see that promise through for my husband, James Alexander Malcolm Mackenzie Fraser.
The pain had increased over the next few hours and I called Frank to tell him. He rushed home and soon we were at the hospital. My pregnancy had been difficult with Braxton Hicks, swelling and general malaise. It did not help that Jamie’s child had grown swiftly and was large within my thin frame. Although the doctors assured me that I would have no issue delivering, they were prepared for any issue that may come about.
What would have happened if I had stayed in the 18th century I wondered as a waited for the next contraction to come? I had seen how births worked there, helped deliver Jenny’s child. Would I have survived?
The contractions increased in length and frequency. Frank was near, the nurses around, but soon the pain was too much and the nurses placed a mask over my nose and mouth giving me ether. I tried to wave them away. I did not want the vile stuff. I wanted to be aware when my child was born.
Soon the ether took hold of me. The pain subsided a bit, the white washed walls of the room fading, no changed as I looked around curiously. The room started to change.
I closed my eyes briefly as a new contraction began to tighten like a band around my lower body and to calm my spinning mind. My nose tickled with unusual, yet familiar scents. Lavender, hot beeswax, goose down. My eyes opened after few breaths and then I saw.
I was not in a hospital in Boston. Was in the room I had shared with Jamie during our brief, but wonderful stay at Lallybroch. It was shocking to see it, exactly as I remembered we had left it, all those years ago.
I saw a woman off to the side, her back to me.
“Jenny?” I whispered wondrously, smiling. The woman turned and smiled at me. It was Jenny, Jamie’s sister. She was here.
I gasped a bit as the pain gripped womb again, taking a great gulp of air, squeezing the hand that held mine tightly. Realizing someone was there, I looked to my left.
He was there.
“Jamie? Is it really you?” I reached out and stroked his beard roughen jaw. His eyes held mine with deep concern and worry, his hair wild and unkempt as if he had not sleep for some time.
“Aye, Sassenach. I’m here.” His voice cracked a bit as he spoke, his lips kissing my knuckles softly, but fiercely, his eyes closing briefly. I gazed wonderfully at his face, my eyes filling with unshed tears. I was so happy to see him.
“You’re alive. Oh Jamie! Ahhhh!” An intense wave of pain gripped my abdomen, the pain making me lurch forward between my bent legs. Jamie stood, not letting go of my hand, his other hand stoking my shoulders as I breathed through the pain. I had the shift I had worn on our wedding night on. It covered my thighs, but my calves and feet were exposed. I looked at Jamie over my shoulder, saw the look of concern in his eyes as he watched me. Jenny came over, seemed to check my progress. She nodded a bit.
“Claire, you need to push now. Aye?” Jenny stated encouragingly. “Jamie if ye mean to stay here, then climb on the bed and help Claire by letting her brace up against you.”
Jamie nodded, reluctantly releasing my hand. He climbed on the bed, tucking one leg under the other. I desperately sought to establish our physical connection out of fear he would disappear.
“No! Don’t go Jamie! Don’t leave me!” I cried in fear and anxiety. Jamie scooted closer to me, my back touching his chest, his arms coming around my distended womb gently, his lips touching where my neck and shoulder met.
“I’m here, Claire. I shall no leave you again. Not until the bairn is born, ye ken?” Jamie whispered as he smoothed a few curls from my sweat-soaked face and neck. My forehead rested on his lips and chin. Another wave of pain came upon me, and I gripped Jamie’s wrists. Jamie’s hands rested lightly on my stomach as it shifted and moved. Jenny had moved me so my legs were braced right on the edge of the bed, widely spread, my back side sitting on the edge as well. With Jamie braced behind me as leverage, I was able to center all my strength on pushing the baby forth. Jenny watched and spoke encouragingly.
“Just a bit more Claire. Come on, push.”
“I can’t. I’m so tired. I don’t know if I can do this.” I whispered exhaustedly against Jamie’s shoulder, the sweat running like streams down my body.
“Come now. You’re strong; stronger than I ever could be.” Jamie whispered, kissing and stroking my face. “Only you can give our child life, Claire.”
“I can’t.” I cried, holding on to Jamie.
“You must, Claire. Otherwise, all we have lost will be in vain.” Jamie spoke insistently, his voice thick with emotion. Another contraction gripped me, this one was the strongest by far. I lurched forward, bending almost in half. I felt a shift inside me, a renewed strength, and I pushed.
“That’s it Claire! Almost there!” Jenny stated as she moved closer holding a length of fabric in her hands. I could feel myself stretching and I screamed once, then twice. I could hear Jamie’s voice at my back, feel his hot breath, as he seemed to rest his forehead there as he whispered what sounded like a prayer in Gaelic. My pain must be killing him, I thought, remembering his concern after Jenny’s child was born.
Suddenly the wail of new life pierced the room and into the night. The pain subsided, I leaned back exhausted as I felt my body release the child that I just pushed forth. I panted for breath, my heart raced. I saw Jamie’s tear glazed eyes as he looked to where the sound came, then back to me. He pulled me closer to him, his lips kissing my dry and bloody ones.
The cries continued as Jenny worked swiftly to bundle up the newborn and place him in my arms. My face was soaked with sweat and tears, but my hands shook a bit as I reached out for my baby. Seeing my hands quivering, Jamie braced my own hands and arms with his own as Jenny laid the now only fussy baby into my arms.
“It’s a wee girl.” Jenny whispered happily. I coughed and cried at the same time with joy, my arms pulling the babe closer to my body. Jamie peering over my shoulder, looked down on his daughter. His long, strong hands lightly touched the newborn’s cheek, who took exception to being touched so. Jamie and I laughed.
I felt the bed dip and move as Jamie climbed off the bed, standing at its edge. I looked away from the baby to Jamie curiously. My legs now dangled over the edge of the bed, my shift neatly covering my body. Jamie walked around our bed, and stood before me as I held our daughter.
“She’s a bonny lass. You’ve done well, Sassenach.” Jamie stated, to which I laughed with new found energy.
“Did you have any doubts?” I replied.
“No. Not one. Although there was a moment there….ooowwch!” Jamie shuffled back at my playful smack on his hip. I felt the mood change suddenly. Jamie leaned down, kissing the soft down of his daughter’s forehead, cupping her head gently. His head turned and kissed my breast lightly, then up my neck, and finally taking my mouth fervently. He pulled away and there was a sadness in his eyes.
“Jamie?” I asked nervously as he back away one step, then two.
“I have to go now, Sassenach.”
“Go? Go where? The baby’s just been born.” I stated anxiously, looking to the baby in my arms to Jamie who was now five steps away now. I looked at him from head to toe. He looked like he did on the day we married.
“I was only granted a short respite.” Jamie stated his voice starting to echo and fade.
“No, Jamie. Don’t go, please.” I begged, starting to move off the bed towards him, still holding the child.
“Take care of her, Claire. And know you are both verra precious to me.” Jamie's voice was heavy and tight with emotion.
Fresh tears streamed down my cheeks, the baby feeling my emotion starting to cry softly. Slowly Jamie started to fade from view.
“Is this a dream, Jamie?”
“Aye, lass. But I promise I will visit you…in your dreams as often as I can. Tha gaol agam ort.” And with that he faded from sight and the room changed back to the dark hospital room, and I was alone again. But now I had something of him to hold to me. His child. My heart broke and reformed 1000 times over the next 20 years. Until the day I would meet my husband once again. ”