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Deep sleep rarely comes easily for a new mother, I mused as my tired eyes opened slowly late in the evening. Or was it early morning, I thought as I looked to the nightstand clock? 1:25 am. I had slept longer and deeper than I had in a long time. Brianna was about 4 months old now, and her voracious appetite demanding my breast every 3-4 hours. She rivaled her father in so many ways, I contemplated as I moved from the empty bed, wrapping my robe around me. Frank was away at a conference in New York. His presence was reassuring, but there was a tension between us. But he did love Brianna.
I moved down the hall toward the kitchen. My breasts were tight and heavy. Brianna had not roused as she normally would, but I needed the sleep. But she had eaten heartedly at around 9 pm, I surmised. Still, her silence was concerning to me, so I bypassed the kitchen and walked toward the nursery.
I paused suddenly hearing a low humming of a song coming from around the corner into Brianna’s room. My hand braced itself against the wall as I listened. It was a deep voice, a man’s, I thought. I looked around for a weapon, recognizing that the voice was not Frank’s. I shook a bit nervously as I approached the doorway. I paused at the very edge of the doorway, listening, trying to discern if it was my mind or if someone was truly in my infant daughter’s room.
Words started to take shape and I leaned closer to the wall and I listened curiously.
Sing me a song of a lass that is gone
Say, could that lass be I?
Merry of soul she sailed on a day
Over the sea to Skye
Billow and breeze, islands and seas
Mountains of rain and sun
All that was good, all that was fair
All that was me is gone
I must be dreaming, the song was one I had heard before…long ago, in another time and place, from a man long dead while he held his newly born niece on restless night. I listened, my eyes closed. I heard Brianna fuss a bit, and then his voice whispered
“Shhh… mo nighean àlainn.”
I could not wait, I moved around the corner. I wanted to see him, it had been so long since….well, since my mind had conjured him. Not since Brianna’s birth had I seen him. Now, 4 months later, I was desperate to see him.
I rounded the corner, stopping dead in the doorway. Jamie’s back was to me. He stood beside the cradle, his left arm gently stroking Brianna’s face. He did not move, but paused, stiffening almost. He had on his tartan plaid, his riding coat, and his wide belt holding his dirk and sword slug around his hips. I could see the glint of the Fraser broach off the streetlamp light radiating through the window, pinning his plaid to his left. He wore his grey beret and tall boots.
He did not move, nor did he turn. His left hand gently stroked Brianna’s head, then patted her solid body reverently. It was then that he turned to me. My breath caught at the sight of him, but I did not wait I walked to him and flung myself in his arms. Jamie’s arms cautiously held me as I clung to him. I sobbed once, then started to cry in earnest. Jamie whispered soothing words to me, his right hand rubbing the base of my neck.
“I can’t do this. I can’t do this without you, Jamie.” I wept.
“You can, mo nighean donn. Aye, you can.” Jamie cooed back to me.
“I don’t want to then.” I stated defiantly into Jamie’s shoulder. “Oh, Jamie! I miss you so much. Every time I look at her, I see. I see you, and it breaks my heart.” I sobbed again. I could feel the solidness of his body as he held me, but I could feel his body shake a bit.
“I know, mo ghrá. Shhhh…hush now.” Jamie tried to calm me. Brianna began to cry as well. We both looked over at her, and I moved away from Jamie reluctantly. Jamie stood next to me as I gently lifted Brianna to me, his hand on my back, gently stroking me. Brianna’s cries lessened a bit, but clearly she was hungry as her mouth rooted about my chest as I held her to me, her head safely cradled in my hand. I looked to Jamie’s face and saw his joy at seeing us both. I wanted to cry again, but I just reached out and stroked his jaw. His hand came up, capturing my hand, kissing my palm gently, massaging my wrist with his thumb.
Brianna’s agitation at being denied her substance was beginning to escalate. I moved reluctantly away from Jamie to the rocking chair nearby. I noticed as Jamie watched my every move, as I moved my robe aside, exposing my breast in order to nurse Brianna. Already my breast was leaking a bit, my body responding to Brianna’s hungry cries, my breasts aching to be relieved. Brianna’s mouth latched on quickly and started to nurse intensely. I kissed her head as I always did and looked to Jamie who stood there watching.
Slowly he walked to me, kneeling at my feet, looking to Brianna then to me. Took my free hand, and gently kissed the knuckles in formality. Then he lifted Brianna’s small hand as well, kissing it as well.
“My ladies. I am and always will be your servant.” He stated solemnly. I smiled happily as he continued to kneel before me and watch as Brianna suckle noisily at my breast. "I swore to you I would see my bairn nurse from your breast. Do you remember, Sassenach?"
I nodded quickly remembering that day in the clover field, the smile reaching my watery eyes as I looked to my husband, lover, father of my child.
“She has a braw appetite, that one.” Jamie remarked.
“Yes. She takes after her father.” I answered, looking down at sweet Brianna. Jamie smiled broadly in response.
“She is so beautiful, Claire.” Jamie spoke his voice thick with unspoken emotion. I stroked his face and neck soothingly. “I dunna want to leave ye both.” Jamie’s eyes filled with tears. “I miss you, Claire.” He looked to me, I saw something like regret behind his eyes as he spoke to me with unfettered emotion.
“I miss you, Jamie.” I did not know what to say to him. So I was silent, letting us enjoy the moment together.
Soon Brianna had nursed herself to exhaustion, her mouth going slack around my nipple. I recovered myself, and shift Brianna gently. Jamie suddenly moved closer to me, his hand wrapped around the back of my neck.
“Kiss me, Sassenach.” Jamie commanded softly against my lips. We kissed fervently, a scorching kiss that left me breathless. Our tongues met and parried each other. I was a kiss of remembrance and forgiveness.
What seemed like moments, I suddenly found myself in the rocking chair, in the nursery alone. I opened my eyes in confusion, seeing Brianna sleeping soundly in her cradle across the room. Was she not just in my arms, I thought? Jamie? I looked about in the room in hope. Obviously it was all a dream, I mused. But a beautiful dream, I thought with a smile, wrapping my rope a bit tighter around my body.
I rose from the chair to regain my own bed, pausing to look at Brianna one more time. I did not notice the time, 2:10am, or the fact my one of my breasts was much less full than the other. Most importantly, I did not notice the whispery shadow of a highland man that stood in the dark corner of the room, just beyond Brianna’s cradle