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“Who? Her and Prosecutor Seo? What? Were you checking their age difference?”
“I meant Young Eun-soo.”
It hits her like a whip.
This whip cuts mercilessly through each layer she has been trying so hard to keep together (or hidden for a while).
At first, the lightness and laughter are gone. Sucked dry out of her every cell so quickly that the vacuum left inside starts suffocating her.
But it’s her own fault. She should have known better. Hwang Si-mok discussing relationships? Making guesses and wondering about a couple’s status? It felt really absurd when her mind wandered to this idea as he mentioned the one-year-gap but... he was always so unpredictable. And though Yeo-jin was proud that she was able to read his feelings and motivations before, she was always eager to see the new sides he was ready to show. And the most welcomed side for her right now would have been a friendly banter.
So, how distracted was she by this strong wish not to notice the change in his eyes!? How did she come to that conclusion and spoke that nonsense?? How... desperate was she to grasp a rare opportunity to forget the current hardships and just let it go? To share a joke? To catch a damn breath?
Her life until these council meetings and investigation was not interested in helping her to solve the new dilemmas.
When Prosecutor Hwang left for Namhae, she got so busy she didn’t have any time to stop and think, to step back and regroup.
On one side - a new position, a new boss, a new team, a new role.
On the other – the whispers of her former position, her reminding she is not back yet-still boss, her busy will you even return yet-still team, her so comfortable but is it enough former role.
The cacophony arising in the middle of it grew sadder and scarier with each day.
She was changing.
And she didn’t know whether she wanted to stop the process or speed it up. Was it necessary? Inevitable? Logical? Will she become better?
Sometimes the in-between reality checks led to the answers which left a mixed aftertaste. Mostly bitter. And with time Han Yeo-jin, being a practitioner of positivity, decided to skip those checks altogether. Because...
Her chief is a very remarkable woman, has much more experience than her, and is sharing it willingly. It was natural to follow her lead and shift the passion and straightforwardness to a more... smooth way? Right?
Because her own team is busy with the investigations and her constantly dropping by in case she is having some doubts and needs advice would be really immature and hinder their work. It was natural to stay quiet and keep a happy face in front of them, to let them know you are alright, no need to worry? Right?
Because she is a strong person who always won her battles. It was natural to live focusing on the better points and discard any roots of negativity and pessimism? Right?
Because if she had to choose a person to share all the troubling thoughts with, the only one who came to mind was busy as hell himself on the other side of the country.
Besides, who said he would be interested in her pouring the heart and fears session? Who said anyone would be interested? Who said anyone would be willing to understand? Who said she could rely on someone to fix her scattered mind? Who said...? Damn, stop it!
That is why she banned those inner check-ups. For her own good. For her own sanity. For her to be able to get up every day and function without breaking down. Not to feel like she was losing herself in this space of new shades and rules.
She shoved all those feelings aside with the promise to chip and deal with one part after another in the bites she could handle. She was making a slow but decent progress, at least that was what she called it.
A progress.
'A forward movement towards her destination.'
But then Hwang Si-mok returned.
And through the veil of her self-reassuring chants, she got a glimpse that the movement had been anything but forward.
She was thrilled to see him but it quickly changed. Partly due to them being thrown to the opposite sides of the long-running conflict, partly due to her head being unwillingly filled with the torn phrases and statements about the current state of trust at the worst timings, and partly due to the effect he always had on her. The cleansing feeling she had longed for so long. To see and feel things clear and fair.
Only it turned out blindingly painful.
He came back unchanged, a constant in the whirlpool of chaos. She missed him, she needed him. She believed he would turn on the lights for her to reach the end of the path she had troubles walking, her whole existence anticipating subconsciously the never-wavering support she always felt by his side.
The light was on.
But it was not just an uphill path.
It was the impassable jungle.
Her attempts to stay away from herself, delays in choices and dragging to deal with her life transformed her soul into a somber place with unresolved issues buried here and there. Some feelings hidden so deep that she forbade herself to dig them out at any cost.
Too much time had passed and she felt he would not see the Han Yeo-jin he had crashed into several years ago. But this level of changes overwhelmed her so much that she started to have fears he wouldn't recognize her at all. And then what? Lose a friend like that? When she is already not sure how many are left by her side?
A faint whisper in her head was trying to persuade her that Prosecutor Hwang would not judge anything about her, that he would really see her and help her. But a whisper was powerless in the dissonance of her havoc. She decided to pull through alone, just like she used to many times in the past. She knew the whole picture now, so she believed the restoration process would be her own doing in no time.
But Hwang Si-mok doesn't visit and leave so easily, even when you try to maintain distance from him in all possible ways. He would seem apathetic to people, concentrated on the case, contemplating the next moves. But the moment Yeo-jin loses the grasp on the closed entrance to her jungle (which has not become any less after her fruitless attempts), he would bring his knife and cut the way through it for her. Whether she wants it or not.
"You don't draw these days?"
First biggest trees that block her way fall down.
"What would you do if you didn’t have to be here?”
He gently pushes the lianas away to let the sun fill the ground with a healing touch.
"Didn’t you want to work in police administration?”
He slices everything out of place without hesitation.
“You weren’t the kind of person to postpone things.”
He works hard and, while she doesn't feel the strength to stop hiding from him among the logs, the clarity is slipping little by little into her view. Her lost place being mapped back to this world.
It feels raw but hopeful, agonizing but liberating. Whether he knows his impact on her or not but he is there, already empowering her.
That is why there is no time for laughter. No time for excuses to delay finding the way out of this stagnation. No time to let herself a distraction which might again lead to such an embarrassing moment.
It might be Si-mok's first time talking about Eun-soo with someone and she just marked it with the worst invitation to conversation ever. Oh, if only she could turn back the clock and fix it. Not to put him in such a position where he would not meet her eyes, where his voice would be touched with sadness.
“Seeing Prosecutor Seo’s junior made me think... that if Young Eun-soo hadn’t died, she’d be working now like her, at some prosecutor office. Near the beach, or in a small city."
And that's when the whip cuts deeper and her own sorrow bleeds out.
Eun-soo.
Yeo-jin didn't have a proper chance to connect with her but from what she heard and saw Young Eun-soo deserved to live a full and much better life. The tragedy of such a young life being lost will always be accompanied by her own guilt.
She called her. She placed her in her house. In a situation where everything would take a fatal turn. She would regret it until her final days.
What could have been different if she didn't make that offer? Would that have led to a more disastrous result for others or... would the young prosecutor have been alive and happy and in love...
There it is.
The final cut which pierces her through like a lightning and reaches the deepest layer, the one she ignored carefully and tried to bury in oblivion. Because this layer is nothing but darkness where all her crooked and poisoning shatters are imprisoned. The insults she regrets, the actions she is not proud of, the passing thoughts which scared her in some fury fits. And the most toxic parts - unasked questions, unsaid words, her overly curiosity.
"She’d be living every day just like her.”
How? With whom? Have you thought about her so much that you were ready to share this with another person? With me?
And now she wants that whip to tear her open, just as she deserves.
Prosecutor Young is dead. And Yeo-jin was one of the indirect reasons the young woman died. Her heart breaks every time she remembers Eun-soo's fragile lines covered in blood. This picture haunts her still during sleepless nights. And yet...
And yet her turbulent mind would slip that unasked question to that unsatisfied curiosity in her darkest deepest place.
What was she to him? What was he to her?
The unexplained pangs of distant ache would seize her movements at these thoughts followed by a more frequent continuation What am I to...?
She never finished this question because she knew there would be no going back after that. To stop was easy because her guilt, regret mixed with disgust of even asking those words to herself were sobering enough.
To stop right now is crucial. She handles it as best as she can but no matter how hard she tries to say something to drown the awful discord inside her head and to shift her focus to comforting Si-mok, she fails utterly.
Catching his movement to face her, she meets his eyes.
His tone is back to his usual reasoning, "It made me think that it’s actually pretty simple."
"What is?” manages to utter Yeo-jin, fighting the lump in the throat and the turmoil in her soul.
“Living and dying.”
His phrasing is the epitome of Hwang Si-mok she knows.
His answer is a new addition to her jungle. She can't decide just yet if it is a fallen tree of her worries or a new bush of concern.
Yeo-jin looks away from his penetrating gaze.
"You are right. It's simple..."
There is nothing simple lately. Do I even know this word anymore? It sounds like a ghost on my lips.
"It changes in an instant..."
Will one wrong action destroy everything again? Do I have the strength to try? The strength to face the future?
"That’s what makes it so sad.”
Will it end in sadness for us? For me? Will I be able to carry on without you? After knowing how it is to have you in my life? What if you choose not to trust in me anymore?
Will an instance be something we are left with?
The questions she never asked. They are more difficult to control nowadays. The more he stays by her side, the thinner her defenses became. He cuts through her jungles and it started leaving the marks all over her soul landscape. But surprisingly, somehow these marks don't stay ugly - they are being covered with healthy bark and flower buds, promising a new bloom. A new beginning.
Maybe I really need to stop running away and leave my hiding place? Is this ok? To show him? To ask him? Am I... still worthy... of having his trust? With this darkness sipping into my mind?
Questions, questions, questions.
Left unanswered again.
But only for now.
Because the answers will be simple.
She just needs to stop and finally face them.
Just... a bit later.
Because right now they have to continue the investigation. So, she takes a deep breath and the words escape her lighter and easier this time, "All right, what should I look into first?”