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“Huh? What’s set the twins off this time?”
That was what suna said when he saw samu and I looked like we just got off a scuffle again before practice started that day.
Our fights are a normal occurrence in the team, everyone was used to it. Maybe that’s why suna worded it that way.
Usually, it’s about petty things, like when he accuses me of using his varsity jacket again because he thinks the one i am wearing is his (it isn’t his, ok?), or sometimes it’s about who ate the food that was stored in the fridge. He always claims that he was the one who put it there and that I ate his food.
No, for real.. I can’t stand it when he does that.
I know that It was ME who put it there, therefore it was mine. And he’s just creating a fuss so that mom would wake up and give us money to just go buy the damn food, again.
There were also multiple occasions when I forgot to bring my lunch so we have no choice but to share while he complains about how it isn’t even enough for him alone, and then uses it as an opportunity to scold his OLDER BROTHER who is 16 MINUTES OLDER THAN HIM because apparently I am “irresponsible for forgetting the most important thing to bring,” .. when in fact IT IS ENOUGH for him, he just doesn't want to share his food.
You know, I can’t believe he loves food more than me sometimes..
Petty, aren’t we? We always fight about various, nonsensical things. But this wasn’t one of those kinds of fights. This one was serious.
“ I made up my mind a long time ago. I told myself that I was gonna get a job dealin’ with food and food service, and that was that. Who says the one who sticks with volleyball is the more successful one by default, huh? I didn’t pick this career outta some kind of compromise, or cuz I didn’t think I couldn’t make it.”
To be honest, I didn’t know why I reacted that way too. He's right, and he has the right to pick his own career. But something inside me shifted when I heard him spit out those words in front of me.
“I made up my mind a long time ago," that's what he said. If so, then why am I only hearing about this now? Why didn’t he tell me that he was thinking about it at that time, however long ago that was already..? Because he always does with everything else. Like that time when he thought of running for the student council election, or when he wanted to come out to our parents.. Even when he thought of confessing to suna fucking rintarou. He always confided in me and shared his thoughts so I could help him decide and clear out whatever the hell is going on inside of his head. So why not this?
“Who says the one who sticks with volleyball is the more successful one by default, huh?”
That’s not what I meant. I did not say he would not be successful without me? I just.. I don’t know why, but it makes my skin crawl. I hate the feeling that I get whenever we go to the court. Another game would always mean that it will be one step closer to the finish line, when he finally goes his own way. Alone. Without me.
“Tsumu, everyone hates you. “
“ So? “
We had this conversation about everyone on our team hating me back then in middle school. But I was never the one to care about what people thought about me. I was good at what I do, at what I love.. So i didn’t care.
And he wasn't right, anyways. I never felt like I was alone, or that everyone hated me. Not everyone.
I had my twin. I had him. I had osamu, always.
Osamu was always there, beside me. From the beginning, from our mother’s womb, till when we entered the world. I was there, 16 minutes earlier. And then he followed. He always followed.
Maybe that’s why I felt enraged when he said it to me. My world kind of felt on a halt. I had to process things out, and then I erupted while spouting things I did not mean.
We were twins. There was not a happy time that I could recall when I was not with Osamu, not that there are many occasions where we were separated. If I recall properly, there were only 2.
Those times were the worst, like the time when my grandmother borrowed me for summer vacation and Osamu stayed back at our house.
I can’t exactly remember the reason why only I was supposed to go, but we were so little back then. But both of us knew that something was wrong, because the other is not there. I hated the province, there was not much to do alone. And Osamu didn’t hate home exactly, but I know he threw tantrums because he wanted to see me. Mom said he kept on crying, and crying.. and i remember being sad too. Eventually, my mom gave up and dropped him off to the province after only 2 days of me being away. He followed me. I was no longer bored, and he was no longer sad to throw a tantrum. From then on, he and I always went to our grandma for vacation.
Then second one.. this was actually the first time, but I can’t recall it anymore. My mom only tells us this story when she wants us to make up after a petty fight, so I don’t think most of it is truthful, to be honest. (this tactic of hers doesn't exactly work, ok?) But she said we were three year olds back then when she had to leave us at the daycare when she and dad had to go to work. And there was one day when samu was sick, so he had to go with mom to the clinic so he can be checked up. I was supposed to be left at the daycare… Well, not until I screamed at mom at the gate because apparently I was worried that Osamu might d i e and I wouldn't be there by his side.
Well, to cut the long story short, we ended up suffering the same fate. Not death, of course. But we ended up sick for days after that.
I don't remember this story anymore. But i think i still know how it felt. As a 3 year old kid who's never been away from his twin, maybe it felt like mom was taking away a half of me. Maybe i felt scared, and i genuinely worried that samu will die. So i had to be with him.
You see, wherever I go, he’s always there.
We are twins.
I go, he follows. He goes, I come with him.
But not this time.
“If you’re so dang confident… so dang sure you’ll be the happier one, then come back when we’re 80 year old geezers! Wait until then to laugh at my face and say you were the happier one!”
Yeah, I was mad. This was the first time that I felt this mad towards my twin, I didn't even know what I was saying that moment. I just wanted to come at him back then. I just wanted to make him feel bad and rethink whatever he's going to do.
It didn't stop him though.
And sometimes I regret saying those words, making it sound like a competition, or that his dreams were lesser than my passion. But I'll never tell him that.
I will also never tell him how I hated to be called "miya" now that I am not with him all the time anymore, or how lonely I was when he first went away for college because his university's school calendar starts early so I had to be left alone in our shared room, because I don't think he'll ever let it die down if he finds out that I kept on accidentally talking to him at night who's supposed to be at the bottom bunk.
I can already see him teasing me to death, calling me pathetic for not remembering that he’s not there with me anymore.
He won't be wrong though. I was pathetic for doing that every night when all I wanted back then was to have a room for myself. But when i finally did, it turned out that it wasn't fun at all.
I wanted osamu back.
But he'll never know about that.
Besides, this is all in the past now. I'm happy with where I am. It's tiring, yeah. I think I've underestimated the life of a pro athlete at some point, or maybe it's just because my teammates are fucking monsters. I can never have a dull moment with them, but it's nice.
Besides, they fit well with me.
It's not the same, but it also kind of is.
Samu is not there with me on the court anymore, but not everyone hates me.
I am doing what I love the most, and I have all these monster hitters dancing to my tune.
I am happy, I'm playing as a pro, and him.. well, after college, he decided to make his own restaurant, Onigiri Miya.
He occasionally asks me to come by and there's never a time when I come and there's not a lot of people. I go over to taste test his new recipes, and if I approve of it, he usually adds it to the menu. Sometimes he has someone to deliver lunch for my games too whenever he cannot physically attend. I prefer he doesn't do that, though.
My hair is also still blonde. This time, I use a toner, courtesy of Sakusa. But samu dyed his hair black again. It's alright, we only did it to easily distinguish ourselves on the court, as it can be very confusing to everyone, including ourselves. Because back then people always called me the wrong name.. it was chaotic, really. We didn't understand what was happening most of the time because everyone kept on calling us the wrong names.
But it's just strange, you know? Whenever he comes to the game, I always hear "i didn't know miya had a twin" and it sometimes throws me off, especially the first time it happened. It was so fucking irritating.
I got used to it after quite some time. But that doesn't mean I'm not annoyed whenever I hear phrases like that occasionally.
So basically, for a 23 year old guy living his best life..
you can say that I'm happy. Samu cannot deny that.
But i also cannot deny that samu is happy as well, just like I am.
I can see it. I can feel it.
Whenever I drop by, despite the busyness inside the restaurant, if you peak at the kitchen, you can clearly see his wide smile. Or the distinct tone in his voice when he explains to me whatever the hell he put in the dish that I'm trying for the first time, especially the stupid grin he makes when i compliment his food. It's that grin, the one he only used to wear whenever he tastes mom's cooking, but now it's from the opposite end.
He's happy not because he ate something delicious, but instead he's happy because he's fed someone something that made their day.
Maybe I was wrong, and sometimes I regret saying what I did back then. It's not a competition of who's had the happier life.. it never was.
I am happy, it’s evident on the court.
And my twin is happy, you can taste it clearly when you eat his food.
You see, we were twins. But that doesn’t mean we should always be together. We are still brothers, bonded forever. Hell, we even have the same face. But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t make our own life. We may be twins, but we are different individuals with different passions and dreams.
I learned that after Osamu told me he was going to quit volleyball after highschool. At first, I was afraid. Like what Aran said back then, he thinks that my greatest gift in life was my twin, and he was right.
But Osamu was just going to achieve his own dream, one that happened to not align with mine. Before, I fell into the impression that he was going to leave me.
But he wasn’t. He will still be there,
Until when I turn to him in our deathbeds.
He will be beside me.
That's all that matters.