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Sakura was a doctor. And a good one with that. Doctors are there to help you. They heal your pains and make you feel better. So... It made sense that he thought about her when he needed help, right?
The moon was high up in the dark blue sky when he woke up. Shikamaru had only been admitted to the hospital a few hours earlier, but temporarily felt weird in his mind. He wasn't sure when the mission ended, what it was about, when he had got back to Konoha, or when he fell asleep exactly. There were tubes and needles plugged in some of his veins. He could feel a lot of bandages wrapped around his limbs and he couldn't open his left eye.
He bit his lips, trying to remember. Everything felt so blurry and distant.
When she entered the room, he looked at her with despair in his eyes.
''Shikamaru,'' she called softly, ''how are you feeling?''
''What happened?''
She was dressed in her medical uniform, her hair tied up neatly. Sakura did look a lot better ever since she stopped going on missions and worked at the hospital full time. She put down a few notes on the bedside table before looking at him. When their eyes met, he shivered. He knew who she was, but he couldn't remember exactly if they interacted in the past.
Slowly, as to not trigger him, she put her hand on his cheek and caressed his lips with her thumb. It felt familiar.
''I know you're anxious,'' she murmured, ''but try not to bite your lips.''
''What happened?'' he asked again.
Sakura quietly sat on the bed next to him, not removing her hand from his face.
''The mission was a failure, wasn't it?''
Sakura looked down for a minute.
''Sometimes, as ninjas, we have to face terrible things. Not every mission can be a success. That's impossible.''
Shikamaru sighed. He put his hand over Sakura's. He couldn't remember much from the previous months, but he knew that he had been in contact with Sakura a lot because his body missed her touch. Aside from that, he could only assume what was safe for him to do with her.
''Why can't I remember?''
''It's okay Shikamaru, it happens.''
''Was it really traumatic? Why do I feel like I can't access any of my memories anymore?''
She didn't say anything at first, and only came closer to hug him carefully as he was sitting down. Her voice was shaking when she finally spoke.
''It's okay baby, it's gonna come back to you eventually. It always does...''
Hearing her saying those words felt so familiar that he didn't question it. As he buried his face into her shoulder, he could tell that he had done so before, and it was relief to do it again.
''You smell good...'' he mumbled, holding her tight.
He heard her chuckle, as she proceeded to caress his long hair and his back. Her fingertips felt like feathers on his skin. He liked her touch more than anything else. Slowly, a few pieces of the puzzle came back into place. He remembered holding her hand, her smile, her lips, kissing her...
''I missed you,'' she said before kissing his head, ''you were gone for six months...''
''Six months? Must have been a hell of a mission,'' Shikamaru tried to say with humour.
Hell.
It really had been hell hadn't it?
Slowly, some of what happened reappeared at the surface of his memory. He recalled the months spent in the terrible heat of the desert, the enemies that would never cease to appear, the bombs, death. He saw himself heading towards the enemy like a suicidal teenager in front of a train.
Suicidal. Wasn't that a great adjective for him?
''I wanted to end it,'' he whispered.
He felt like crying as he came to the realisation that the reason why he was back was that he stopped fighting and let himself sink into nothingness. He remembered the sadness, the pain, the depression. Most of all he remembered what it was to feel like your life has no purpose, like nothing feels bad anymore, but nothing feels good.
He remembered being numb.
And just wanting to die.
''I know,'' Sakura replied quietly before kissing him again.
She didn't sound mad at him for what he'd done. Yet she'd probably been devastated when she learnt the news. Didn't he think about her when he ran head over heels towards Death?
''For someone so smart... I can really be dumb, can't I?'' he said as both tears and a smile showed in his face. ''I've lost control...''
''I know,'' she said again, very calmly.
She didn't let go of him. It seemed she knew which part of his body she could hold tight without hurting him. He loved that about her. He loved that she didn't judge him, and that she understood what he was going through. He loved the softness in her voice and in her moves. She could be brutal with others, but never with him. Because she knew that Shikamaru needed someone to be there for him.
He felt very calm at that moment. As if any signs of sadness, anxiety, but also any other positive feelings had left. However, he knew that he wanted her.
As she stepped back, she naturally started to undress. She removed her shirt and he could see her breasts, shaped by her bra and caressed by the moonlight. Her skin seemed so pure compared to his, there was no scars, no dried blood or any imperfection. She undid her ponytail and as her hair fell back onto her shoulders, he couldn't help but whisper :
''Oh, my god, you're beautiful. Why do you stay with this neurotic fool?''
She looked at him with a smile, to his surprise.
''We all have ups and downs,'' she said, her green eyes shimmering in the darkness, “the lows are low, but the highs are high. And...''
She stopped talking for a second because he moved closer to kiss her, his hands going around her hips to bring her closer.
''...That's fine by me,'' she whispered in between two kisses. ''Your lows are fine by me.''
Although his memory still wasn't working to its full potential, and he couldn't remember how or why they were together, Shikamaru praised himself for having her into his life. Maybe with her help, he could...
''I've lost control, please save me from myself,'' he said as he buried his head into her chest.
She hugged him as close and as long as he needed, reassuring him with by her smell and caress.
''I got you.''
Yes. It made perfect sense.