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It was a dark and stormy night and Kermit the Frog was soaked down to his very stuffing. Kermit did not object to being wet. Back in the swamp, as long as you kept an eye out for alligators, a dip in the swamp was a refreshing break from the summer heat. Kermit very much objected to being wet and cold.
The bridge, despite looking perfectly solid, was closed under a flood warning so their bus had had to turn around, only to get stuck in the mud off the edge of the road.
They had all had to walk squelching and dripping two miles to reach the nearest hotel.
Kermit could barely face what this would do to his credit card, but there was no other alternative. "Sixteen rooms, please. Doubles."
"I'm afraid there's only one bed left, sir," the clerk said.
Kermit sighed. "I guess thirty-two singles then," he said.
"No, sir, I'm afraid you misunderstood. There is only one room left with only one bed."
"Only one?"
"It's the storm," she said. "The bridge is out, so many travelers are…"
A scruffy-looking bearded gentleman at the back of the crowd yelled, "Bagsy!"
A thin anemic-fellow replied quietly, "They don't call it that here, Michael."
Kermit ignored them. Celebrity guest stars were low on his priority list under the circumstances. "Are there any other hotels nearby?" he asked.
"No, sir. The nearest is about five miles…"
"Bagsy!" The bearded man tried to push his way to the front of the line but was tripped up by Sweetums and several chickens.
Kermit didn't speak Welsh or whatever "Bagsy" was, but he sensed imminent danger regardless. "Scooter! Credit card!"
Scooter dodged quickly to the front of the line and produced a company credit card from one of his many pockets.
"Book it," Kermit said just as the Welsh gent made it to the counter.
"Bagsy!" Michael Sheen plaintively cried. "I called bagsy."
"I told you, Michael," David Tennant replied. "They don't call it that here."
He shoved his credit card at the desk clerk anyway, but she just smiled sadly at him. "I'm sorry, sir, the green gentleman just booked the last room."
"So… what… we go back and sleep in the bus?"
"The bus is probably floating downstream by now," David Tennant said.
"Don't worry," Kermit said. "We'll share."
"I hope that's not a problem," the clerk said tentatively. "I wouldn't want anyone to feel like they're being forced to double up with strangers."
"Oh, they're with us."
"With you?" she questioned.
Pepe the King Prawn poked his head above the counter. "I know what you are thinking and it is racist."
"They're our celebrity guest stars," Kermit explained.
"We have a maximum occupancy restriction," the clerk said, trailing off to silence as a lobby full of Muppets and two celebrity guest stars glared at her. "Which I imagine we can waive due to the storm," she added quietly.
"It's okay, Gonzo and Animal actually prefer to sleep hanging from hangers in the closet."
Several of the chickens clucked in disapproval.
"I'm sorry, sir," the clerk said. "No pets."
"We don't have any pets; just Muppets," Kermit lied with a clear conscience. Miss Piggy's dog Foo-Foo was technically a pet, but also undoubtedly the least likely among them to cause damage.
"If you say so," the clerk answered, staring suspiciously at Yolanda the Rat who was giving her an impressive stink-eye in return.
"Do you have any spare cots?" Kermit asked.
"No, sir…"
"Due to the storm," Kermit repeated along with her.
---
There wasn't even a bellhop to show them to their room. It wasn't that nice of a hotel. Piggy "Hrmphed" even though Sweetums had been doing all the heavy lifting for the last two miles.
"321," Fozzy said. "322, 323."
"Fozzy, this isn't Sesame Street," Kermit said, "you don't need to provide a running commentary on the numbers.
"324, 325, 326," Fozzy continued. "Here we go. Room 327."
Scooter opened the door. It was… adequate. Welcoming in the way of an adequate hotel room when you are weary from a long day on the road. The Muppets had stayed in far worse.
They collectively squelched into the room bringing an oppressive cloud of humidity with them, but in one quick video montage, Missy Piggy and her hairdryer had them all blown back out to maximum fluffiness.
"Is it just me?" Michael Sheen asked, "or did that go faster than would seem physically possible?"
David Tennant blinked at him. Piggy had completely blown out all of Michael Sheen's curls. "You look," David Tennant told him, "like a Bee-Gee."
"Barry?" Michael Sheen asked hopefully. David Tennant shrugged. He didn't really know his Gibb Brothers that well.
It's been a long day," Kermit said, "so let's just get settled in and then lights out."
"Bagsy on the bed!" Michael Sheen called out.
"Dibs on the pillow!" Miss Piggy and Sam the Eagle shouted as one.
There were only two pillows so that sorted that out quickly enough.
"I told you, Michael," David Tennant explained yet again. "They don't call it that here. You have to say 'dibs' or it doesn't count."
"Is that an American thing? Or a Muppet thing?"
"American? I think? Probably?" David Tennant starred off into space briefly before nodding to himself, "Yeah, an American thing."
"Dibs on the spare blanket," Sweetums announced. And even if he hadn't said 'dibs', no one was going to argue with Sweetums.
Sweetums was just laying the blanket out and settling himself on the floor when Michael Sheen announced, "Fine, dibs on Sweetums."
"You can't call dibs on a pers—" David Tennant attempted to explain before Sweetums shrugged.
"Sure," Sweetums agreed.
"Ah, well, I suppose that's all right then?" David Tennant did not seem sure about this, but Michael Sheen dumped his bags in the corner and then lay himself down on one of the larger, softer muppets. His curls were already reverting to their default state.
Without argument, Animal and Gonzo went to the closet and hung themselves from hangers. "This is so good for my back," Gonzo said. "I don't' know why I don't do this all the time."
"What about your bed of nails, " Miss Piggy scoffed.
"Only thing that's more comfortable," Gonzo agreed.
"Dibs on the middle," Bobo said.
"No!" Kermit announced firmly. "Veto! No! If you take the middle of the bed there won't be room for anyone else.
The only Muppet larger than Bobo the Bear present was Sweetums.
The bed was already filling up and while the middle didn't seem exactly prime real estate, several rats and chickens had already fallen off of the edge and had to climb back up the bedspread.
"Dibs on the middle!" David Tennant said, puffing himself up as if to dare Kermit to veto him.
Kermit eyed the narrow Scot. "Sure. Fine."
David Tennant slithered into position between Piggy and Sam, both of which made it clear they were NOT sharing their pillows. Although Sam readjusted position freeing up the other side of the pillow and even spoke loudly to no one in particular about the insulating properties of his feathers when Janice started looking for her spot on the bed.
"Oh, for sure, thank you," Janice drawled as she settled into the other side of Sam's pillow.
David Tennant looked nervously to his other side at Kermit who had taken up a spot between him and Piggy where he was vying for position with Foo-Foo. "He's not going to do anything weird is he?" he asked in a loud whisper, jerking his head back in the eagle's direction.
"Sam?" Kermit asked. "Honestly, I doubt Sam can work up the nerve to even do anything vanilla."
David Tenant looked back at Sam, who was staring bug-eyed at the ceiling as Janice cuddled into his wing.
"Hi, there," David Tennant said.
"Hi!" Sam squeaked.
"Yeah," David Tennant told Kermit, "You're right. I think we're safe there."
Scooter curled up on the foot of the bed with the rest of The Electric Mayhem. At least half of the rats and chickens that kept falling off the bed moved to the closet with Gonzo and Animal. Bobo the Bear curled up in the corner.
Just when one would expect lights out, the Muppets broke into a spontaneous production of the classic, "Grandma's Feather Bed" which left David Tennant wondering exactly how many geese constituted "forty 'leven geese". Was it forty times eleven? Forty plus eleven? Also, how many choruses did this song have? It was starting to feel like forty 'leven.
Miss Piggy objected to the line in the chorus about stealing a piggy from the shed, so the line was altered to: "And Miss Piggy just returned from Club Med."
It was nine feet high and six feet wide
And soft as a downy chick
It was made from the feathers of forty 'leven geese
Took a whole bolt of cloth for the tick
It could hold eight kids and four hound dogs
And Miss Piggy just returned from Club Med
We didn't get much sleep but we had a lot of fun
On grandma's feather bed
We didn't get much sleep but we had a lot of fun
On grandma's feather bed
Michael Sheen joined in at full volume on the drawn-out final line, "On grandmaaaaaaaa's feather bed!"
"Good song, guys," Kermit said. "Okay, lights out."
Something tickled David Tennant's feet and he flailed before spotting Pepe the King Prawn. "Sorry," Pepe said, "I did not know the Scottses were ticklish. I'll be good. I promise."
David Tennant would have been more reassured if Pepe hadn't added that extra promise in a disconcerting purr.
"Yes, well. So how are you doing there on the floor, Michael?" David Tennant called out to distract himself from the sea creature that was curling back up on his feet.
"Not on the floor," Michael Sheen said smugly. "I'm on a Sweetums."
"Why," David Tennant asked Kermit, "is he called 'Sweetums'?"
"It's his name."
"Yes, but how does one acquire a name like Sweetums to begin with?"
"It's a long story."
"A long story involving frogs," young Robin the Frog piped in from the midst of a pile of orange and pink puffballs with big eyes.
"What are those?" David Tennant who had not previously noticed the Muppaphones asked.
"Muppaphones," Kermit said with an exaggerated yawn intended to discourage additional conversation.
"I thought Marvin Suggs was in Vegas," Piggy said.
"Fuck Marvin Suggs," said one of the Muppaphones.
"Are Muppets allowed to swear?" David Tennant asked mildly scandalized.
"Don't be a dick," Kermit mumbled sleepily, not even faking his drowsiness this time.
"I want a story," Robin whined. "I can't go to sleep without a bedtime story. If no one is going to tell 'The Frog Prince' it should at least be a story about magic."
"Once upon a time," Fozzy Bear said, "there was a young wizard named Harry Potter…"
"No," said Bobo the Bear.
"Once upon a time there was a handsome young wizard named Neville Longbottom,"
Piggy interrupted. "And his beautiful wizardess Luna Lovegood."
"No," Bobo repeated.
"Once upon a time there was a wise and talented wizard named Luna Lovegood," Janice began.
"Hermione Granger!" Robin insisted.
"No," Bobo repeated.
"So Luna Lovegood and her girlfriend Hermione Granger," Janice continued.
"That works," Piggy agreed. "Continue."
"No," Bobo the Bear said, louder this time.
"...were investigating unexplained noises reported at Grimmauld Place"
"Was it haunted?" Robin asked breathlessly.
"Hobgoblins," Scooter said with a knowing nod.
"The Black family tried to tell the neighbors that it was just due to a blocked floo."
"Typical," Piggy huffed.
"Hobgoblins," Scooter said again. "Definitely hobgoblins."
"CAN WE NOT?!" Bobo yelled.
Several chickens screamed in surprise.
"Jesus," Yolanda sputtered. "You trying to give me a heart attack over here?"
Even Michael Sheen lifted his head up off of Sweetums chest, where he had been comfortably dozing, to stare at Bobo.
Very quietly, Bobo said, "I'm sorry. I'm just… I'm feeling very conflicted about J.K. Rowling and the whole Potterverse right now."
"We all are, Bobo," Kermit said sadly. Kermit then proceeded to give a stirring speech about art and creators and how sometimes people do things that make us sad but it doesn't mean we can't still like the art they made, but sometimes when the wounds are still fresh it's okay to take a break and David Tennant and Michael Sheen both slept through the whole thing and didn't hear a word.
David Tennant woke up with a start to the sound of violent banging on the door.
"Can somebody please get that?" Piggy asked. She was wearing a sleep mask over her eyes and it clearly wasn't going to be her who got out of bed to answer the door.
Davd Tennant gave up and crawled over Scooter and a couple of Muppaphones who "ow'd" musically as he stepped on them.
But Pepe and Zoot and several other Muppets he couldn't name on sight only clung even tighter to his legs and he tipped over forward onto the foot of the bed.
"Muppets are like Devil's Snare," Scooter said helpfully. "The more you struggle, the tighter they cling."
David Tenant willed himself to relax, taking several long, slightly frustrated, breaths. Surprisingly, as Scooter suggested, the clinging lessened and he was able to free himself from the bed.
He staggered to the door and opened it to find a large man in a rain poncho and a service cap that suggested he might have been police or security—or a milkman for all David Tennant could tell. If the man had a badge or a gun, it was hidden under his rain poncho. What he most definitely had was a flashlight which he pointed directly in David Tennant's face.
"We've had complaints about the noise," the man said gruffly.
David Tennant carefully kept the door only partially ajar so as to not reveal the uncounted Muppets on the shared bed. It wasn't the sort of thing you wanted to explain to a stranger. "Sorry," he said, still feeling a bit bleary. He'd been sleeping soundly enough. If the neighbors had sleep problems caused by the noise level, that seemed like a personal problem that they needed to work out on their own. But he wasn't inclined to say so to a grumpy stranger who may or may not have been armed.
"Is this," the man asked, his attention and the aim of his flashing redirected over David Tennant's shoulder. "Is this some kind of sex thing?"
David Tennant glanced back to realize that while he'd kept the bed out of sign, Michael Sheen was clearly visible snuggled up on top of Sweetums. (The curls had won and he no longer looked anything like a Bee Gee, Barry or otherwise.)
David Tennant turned back to the man who might or might not have been a cop. "Would it make it better or worse if I said it was a sex thing?" he wondered aloud. "I mean everyone's legal and consenting here so..."
The man swallowed and took half a step back.
David Tennant decided to go all in. He relaxed his spine and poured himself liquidly against the door frame. "I mean," he purred, "You're a handsome enough bloke, aren't you? Did you care to join us?"
"It's just that the noise complaint…"
"They're all quiet now, aren't they?" David Tennant asked.
There was a moment's pause when not a Muppet was stirring. Not even the rats.
David Tennant leaned in and winked, adding in a conspiratorial whisper, "I wore them all out."
"Yes, well, um."
"They'll give you no trouble for the rest of the evening, officer. I promise."
"Good. Good." The man nodded a few more times.
Michael Sheen rubbed his eyes and blinked at the flashlight. "Oh, what the fuck is it this time?"
"Nothing, love, go back to sleep." To the officer, he asked, "How's the storm brewing? Think the bridge'll be open by morning?"
"Oh, no, definitely not," the man said. "There was this big tour bus all painted in psychedelic colors and it was washed into one of the support pillars and the whole thing came down. Yeah, somebody's facing quite the lawsuit in the morning."
"It's not easy being green," David Tennant said.
"What?" the man asked.
"Fuck me," Kermit whispered into Piggy's pillow.
"Nothing," Davd Tennant said to the man. "Was there something else I could help you with?"
"No, no, um, just keep it quiet for the rest of the night."
David Tennant nodded repeatedly as he closed the door.
"Ménage à fortee-leeben björk-björk, was da hey?" the Swedish Chef asked.
"Yeah," Yolanda said, staring David Tennant down, "that's a good question. Well?"
"Well?" David Tennant asked.
"What would you have done if that guy had taken you up on your offer?"
David Tennant thought about it for a moment. "Put him in the closet with Animal and Gonzo?"
Chef and Yolanda both nodded. "Oh, yeah, that'd work."
"It's, it's not that, that I" Bobo stuttered. "I mean I'm not saying that I…"
"It's okay, Bobo," Michael Sheen muttered sleepily into Sweetum's shoulder. "You can tell us all about your preferred pronouns in the morning. We can discuss it all over eggs and cheese and bacon."
"Excuse me," Piggy interjected.
"Vegan bacon," Michael Sheen continued. "I'm sure that's a thing in America. Just. Not now, please. Sleep now. Talk later."
David Tennant staggered back into bed and collapsed on top of a pile of Muppephones who ow'd the first few notes of a classic Diana Ross single.
"Or not," David Tennant said sleepily, "or whenever. Y'know. All in your own time, Bobo. You don't have to explain yourself to anyone. Just know that everyone—" David Tennant suspiciously eyed what appeared to be a stalk of sentient asparagus that was poking out from underneath Sam the Eagle's pillow. "—and everything in this room loves you and accepts you for who you are."
Some of that was just repeating Kermit's earlier speech, but Bobo appreciated hearing it again. "I love all of you, too."
"And fuck J.K. Rowling," one of the Muppaphones said.
"Oh, yeah, definitely," they all agreed.