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Bokuto knew he wasn't doing okay. He knew he was getting worse, and he knew it wasn't normal to have to go through his day with those thoughts in his head. But he had a successful life, the best family and friends he could ask for, and is living his dream. He has no right to be sad, does he? He has no reason to complain. He has no reason to feel like this.
Unfortunately, his mind didn't think the same. His brain didn't work like everyone else's, and he realized that when he was in his second year of high school. The way he suddenly seemed to get sadder, unbeknownst to those around him, his smile often false as he tried to keep his facade up. To his surprise, it worked. Not his family nor his best friend ever seemed to see through his as act.
But he realized soon that the heavy feeling on his chest was crushing him, despite trying his best to be happy. He had tried what his mother told him when he had said to her that he was sad. "Go play volleyball! You love that, don't you?" He wishes he could've told her that he didn't love it. Not anymore. He couldn't. It was too exhausting for him, for his body, for his mind.
But he did it anyway. Bokuto always tried his best to pull through each day, to get up, go to school, get good grades, play volleyball like he used to, get home, study, and repeat. He tried, he really did.
With each day passing, his thoughts grew darker, his body grew more burdensome, and the pain in his chest numbed him to the point where he wondered if he even was alive.
He had no reason to complain now, did he? He would have a scholarship when he finished with highschool, had a bunch of women who adored him, and had everything he could ever ask for.
It didn't take him long to wonder if the people around him even knew him anymore. How did no one realize what was going on with him? Why did no one see the pain in his golden eyes?
Why didn't Akaashi realize that he was suffering?
"Bokuto-san, you look tired." Akaashi had commented one day in school, and Bokuto just shrugged. "I studied through the night." Bokuto lied to his face, not daring to tell him that he was awake because his mind wouldn't stop racing with thoughts of death. Or the way his hands shook at the thought of him hurting himself. Bokuto didn't dare to put that kind of pain upon Akaashi. He just couldn't. Akaashi didn't question it further, and Bokuto silently pleaded his best friend to please merely ask what was wrong, insisting on knowing what was wrong. But Akaashi never did, and Bokuto wasn't brave enough to admit the fact that he needed help.
"Bokuto-san, it's a hundred degrees outside, why are you wearing your blazer?" Akaashi questioned when summer came, and they stood on the schoolyard, Akaashi deeply sighing as he let the back of his hand run over his forehead. "I'm not warm," Bokuto answered, pulling his blazer a bit tighter around himself, hoping the sweat on his chest wouldn't make his dress shirt see-through, and the sweat dripping off his forehead wouldn't be too noticeable. Bokuto could never let Akaashi find out about his secret, the secret that made him way too ashamed of himself. Akaashi never questioned it further, and Bokuto was begging he would. Bokuto silently pleaded he would see that he was lying.
It was Christmas, and the day that usually filled with laughter, families getting back together, and shared presents was hell for Bokuto. He was alone in his room, his parents on vacation. They had asked him if he wanted to come along, but he told them he'd be just fine staying at home. Now? Now he was crying, his face painfully pressed against his blanket as he tried to silence his sobs, despite no one being home. When would he ever stop feeling like this? When would this numbness, this heaviness, ever go away?
"Mom, I'm not doing okay," Bokuto admitted a month later, face flushed in embarrassment as tears welled up in his eyes. "Are you getting sick again?" His mothers' voice was layered by concern as she pressed the back of her hand against his forehead, looking for a fever. "Mom, I'm sad." He said, not wanting to admit the fact that he was depressed. That would make it a real problem, and he didn't want to be a bother. Not more than he was already. "Oh, Koutarou." She sighed with a smile before resting her hand against his cheek. "We all get sad sometimes. It'll be fine tomorrow, I promise."
It didn't get better.
Two months later, Bokuto was laying on the ground of his bathroom, puking his guts out as hot tears streamed down his face, his hot face leaned against the cold tiles of the wall as he looked at the pill cocktail in the toilet. "Fuck." He muttered in frustration, his fingers tangling in his hair as he pulled at strands of his hair, even more tears streaming down his face. "Fuck, fuck, fuck!" He cursed, kicking over the bathroom trashcan as he doubled over, sobbing. He wanted to die, and now he chickened out? Just because he thought of Akaashi, the way he'd cry at the thought of Bokuto being dead? He couldn't let Akaashi suffer like this. He couldn't.
"Bokuto-san, you have to promise me to stay by my side," Akaashi said, sweat dripping down his face as he looked around the gymnasium. "I can't stand playing with some of these idiots," Akaashi muttered, looking at the other players. Bokuto knew that Akaashi did not mean it in the way Bokuto did, but he answered anyway. "I promise Akaashi," Bokuto muttered with a soft smile on his face that didn't get caught by Akaashi. "I promise I'll stay."
In the next six months, Bokuto's life started falling apart one by one. The day his father admitted that he had cheated on his wife and that he had gotten another woman pregnant. The day he decided to leave his family, Bokuto's heart got torn into two, and his family got torn apart. His father moved out, and his mother decided it'd be a good idea to go back to her parents' house for a few days. Days turned into weeks, weeks into months. The only thing that showed him that she was still somewhat alive was the weekly money he got, but neither of them called. Neither of them cared how Bokuto was doing.
During an especially bad night, Bokuto was sobbing, trying to call Akaashi frantically. He had no one else anymore, and right now, he didn't trust his mind. Bokuto just needed to hear Akaashi's voice and needed Akaashi to tell him everything was going to be alright. His calls went straight to voicemail each time.
Akaashi
Sorry, I had a girl over yesterday. Is everything okay? You called a lot.
[06:37 am]
Akaashi
You're sick again, aren't you, Bokuto-san? I hope you feel better soon.
[10:56 am]
Bokuto read the messages when he woke up the day after he had tried to call Akaashi, at 7 pm, and he deeply sighed as he let his hands run over his face. His second attempt didn't work either, he figured. Else he wouldn't have woken up. The expired sleeping pills he had found in the kitchen weren't working like they were supposed to. Bokuto didn't answer Akaashi that day, his dull eyes staring up at the ceiling. He really did hope he wouldn't wake up.
Two weeks later, Akaashi had excitedly told Bokuto that he finally had a girlfriend, and Bokuto didn't even know that his pathetic excuse of a heart could feel anything anymore, but the pain erupting in his chest and the pit at the bottom of his stomach told him otherwise. "I'm happy for you, Akaashi." Bokuto forced a small smile on his lips as he looked at his best friend. "She's amazing, Bokuto-san! You'd love her." "I'm sure I would," Bokuto muttered, eyes gazing over the ground as they walked through the school. "Whoever she is, I hope she takes good care of your heart."
The next weeks went by in a drunken haze for Bokuto. Somehow he had to treat his broken heart and the fact that his whole life was falling apart in front of him, and he couldn't do anything about it. Akaashi didn't call once in those three weeks. He didn't check in with him. Bokuto was used to it by his parents, but not by Akaashi. Akaashi always made sure he was okay, but now? Now he didn't even seem to notice that Bokuto was gone.
"Why aren't you calling anymore?" Bokuto asked when he finally decided it was time to go back to school, and his hands shook at the lack of alcohol in his system, but he hid it well with his fist balled in his pockets. "I was busy, Bokuto-san," Akaashi answered, not sparing a glance at Bokuto, else he might've seen the flash of pain that crossed his eyes. "I was away for four weeks-" "Bokuto, I told you I was busy, okay? I'm sorry, but I'm not your goddamn babysitter, and I can't look after you every damn second of the day!" Akaashi snapped, making Bokuto back away a bit at the harsh tone of his voice. As the shock subsided, a different kind of pain erupted deep within Bokuto's chest before he nodded. "...Okay. I won't bother you."
Bokuto had no one left.
The weeks after the incident were filled with way too much alcohol, reckless sex in hopes to lessen the aching Akaashi left in his heart, depressive thoughts, and self-destructive behavior. Bokuto knew it wasn't healthy, he knew it damn well, but at this point, he couldn't care less. He didn't want to care anymore. No one cared anyway, so why should he care?
Of course, Akaashi noticed Bokuto's absence in school. He always did. However, he had too much pride to apologize to Bokuto, even though he knew he was the one in the wrong. But Akaashi did miss Bokuto's bubbly personality at training and in school. Akaashi always acted like he was annoyed by Bokuto, but it was just an act. He knew it'd go straight to Bokuto's head if Akaashi ever admitted to enjoying his company. So, he decided to wait until Bokuto came back to school to apologize to him. If he had known back then that their fight was the last time he'd ever see Bokuto, he would've chosen his words more carefully.
At this point, Bokuto didn't know what day it was or in what part of Japan he was right now. He merely remembers driving with a man down here, and now they were sitting at one of the cliffs, watching the waves crash against the cliffs. "The bottle is empty." Bokuto slurred, his eyes not managing to focus on the man that had an arm wrapped around him. "I have another one in the car, do you want me to get it for you?" The man asked, and Bokuto only managed to give him a harsh nod before a grin covered his face. The man left him soon enough, and Bokuto sighed as he wrapped his arms around his legs, looking at the water.
This would be perfect, right? The water looked peaceful like it was calling for him, waiting to cradle him in its soft embrace. Like it was reaching its hands up to him, but not able to touch him just yet.
The water reminded him of Akaashi's eyes.
Akaashi Keiji.
The man that was his best friend, the man he loved, the man that never noticed how much Bokuto was suffering. But he was way past the point of anger. He accepted it.
Bokuto staggered a bit when he stood up, hardly keeping his balance as he walked over to the edge of the cliff. He looked down into the water, and he felt at peace when he spread his arms one last time, letting himself feel carefree for one last time.
The embrace of the water was harsh, but Bokuto didn't feel it anymore. When he felt the water reaching its ways into his lungs, he embraced it as he stared up at the cloudy sky through the water, sinking with each second passing. In the blurry image of the water, he could see Akaashi, and he smiled. At least I got to see Akaashi one last time, Bokuto thought. With that in mind, he finally managed to find peace within himself, closing his golden eyes for the last time.
"I'm sorry to tell you that Bokuto Koutarou's corpse got discovered by the Tojinbo cliffs in Sakai, Fukui." Akaashi furrowed his eyebrows, still half asleep, as he looked at the police officer at his door. "His death got ruled as a suicide." Akaashi's blood ran cold as he stared at the police officer. "But Bokuto would never kill himself." Akaashi thought this might be a cruel joke of his best friend. "It was confirmed by this. We found it by the cliffs, beside an empty bottle of Sake, which was confirmed to be drunken by Bokuto Koutarou." The police officer sighed, a pitiful look in his eyes as he gave Akaashi an envelope which had his name on it, but it was already open. "I'm sorry we needed to open it for evidence." Akaashi didn't listen to him as he took the envelope. "My condolenc-" Before the police officer could finish his words, Akaashi closed the door.
His hands were trembling as he held the envelope. Bokuto wasn't dead. He couldn't be dead. Akaashi would've known if Bokuto wasn't doing okay. Wouldn't he? He would've noticed, wouldn't he? At that moment, everything made sense inside his head. The way Bokuto acted the last months, his unusual behavior, which Akaashi had brushed off. Was his behavior the silent pleads and hints Akaashi had missed? Was he really this oblivious all this time?
Akaashi took a last deep breath as his trembling fingers opened the envelope, pulling out a wrinkled piece of paper. His eyes filled with tears as his eyes scanned over the neatly written words before tightly gripping the letter as he pressed it against his chest, his body shaking as sobs wracked his body, and he couldn't stop his tears anymore.
Dear Keiji,
I know I promised you I'd stay.
But we both know that with this letter, I broke my promise.
I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough to stay.
I promise I'll be waiting for you on the other side.
I love you.
Bokuto Koutarou.