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Donghyuck woke up as soon as the sun was rising, he felt cold, out of place and out of mind. He remembered that it was mid September and that he had classes in 6 hours, then remembered he had to eat, drink water and shower. His eyes were sore from crying, and muscles ache from working all day, his headache felt permanent from trying to finish off an assignment just a couple hours ago. And he wasn’t sure what he was feeling, but he felt sad? Maybe, more angry and distraught, mayhaps? His phone pinged cutting his train of thoughts, it was Mark.
Mark: Hang in there, you don’t have to talk to me if you don’t want to but I love you hyuck.
Ping number two came, it was Jeno this time.
Jeno: Hi hyuck, I’m sorry that happened. I love you, talk to me when you’re ready.
Donghyuck started to cry a little bit, he got up to wash his face and brush his teeth. Went back to his room, and stared in the mirror. He was puffy, eyes swelled and cheeks chubbier than usually. He smiled to himself softly, he looked kinda funny he thought. He took a snap and sent it to all his friends, even him. He put down his phone and let Spotify pick whatever it wants. The music played softly as he cleans up his mess, books all over the floor, old smelly clothes, 3 glasses of soju and one half-empty was filling up the room with a depressing smell. He took it outside to the garbage disposal and enjoyed the morning vibe. A bit chilly and a bit warm for the soul. Taking out the clothes he planned to wear and placing it on his bed, he got ready to shower.
It is over, he thought. Hot water hitting all the right parts of his body. It was never going to happen he reminded himself as an attempt to comfort himself. His heart started beating fast and he could feel his tears swell, rubbing his face he inhaled and exhaled. Trying to calm himself, because he isn't alone. Just because your best friend, your secretly one love, is leaving you, it isn’t the end of the world.
Renjun, that son of a bitch, would probably say the same thing. But right now, he wouldn’t. Renjun is getting ready to move halfway across the country with his now fiance. Donghyuck started shaking, his one soulmate, the one where they both agree their relationship was something else, initially platonic but Donghyuck was dumb enough to grow feelings halfway right when it was too late.
Days, weeks, months and years of friendship is now being flushed away down the drain. He turned off the water and took his soft brown towel to dry himself. As if he was patting and caring for himself, he made sure no parts of his body were wet. He put on his clothes, put on deodorant and his favourite cologne.
Hair slightly wet, he searched for his blowdryer. Going to the small laundry room, he found it placed on the ironing board. Right next to the stack of photos of him, his best friend and his best friend's boyfriend, now fiance. Trying hard to ignore it, he took a stack of unironed clothes and put it over the photos and polaroids. He’ll figure out what to do later, but for now, he can’t stand to see it.
He feels petty, disgusting and stupid. They are his close friends, Renjun was there through it all. From the 16 birthdays, the school dances, the graduation, the first jobs, the drunken messes and relationships. And so did Jaemin held his hand through the mistakes and anxieties, made him food when he was sick and taught him how to sew his loose buttons in. It shouldn’t be shocking, they were made for each other. Both caretakers, and people who know how to care of each other, unlike himself who is a constant mess.
A mess that keeps being messy unless it was getting too messy. A fucked up being who can’t be happy for his best friend. Slash that, he is happy that his friends found happiness with each other but not happy with himself. He was disappointed with himself, for not accepting as easily. He felt selfish that he wanted Renjun for himself, felt selfish that it wasn’t him holding his hand and making him laugh.
It isn’t letting go, Jeno words echoed. He knew that but he needed reminders every day and he didn’t like asking for it. Donghyuck tried his best to hold onto Jeno’s words and Mark’s warmth. He had other friends, he reminded himself. it‘s okay, he told himself again.
He dried his hair, put on hair gel to style it and then went downstairs to make breakfast. He took out the pans needed, a plate, a spoon, and eggs. Cracking the eggs into a small bowl, he whisked himself a base for the omelette he always makes. Took out the cut-up spring onions, tomato, and red sweet pepper he had already prepared. Adding that into his omelette bowl, he heated up his pan and spread the butter on it. He basked in the moment of normalcy he is having, he loved pretending everything didn’t happen and it was all normal. His school stress wasn’t taking over his mind, he didn’t overwork himself to pay his bills, and his best friend was still his best friend.
The was pan was heated, and he poured down the omelette mix. Taking the spatula, he made sure the edges weren’t sticking to the pan, and he shook the pan to make sure the egg fried evenly. He didn’t mean to take all his emotions on one heartbreak, it was just heartbreak. And he knows its well himself, that it was crazy of him to fixate on it. Flipping the egg, he sighed and turned on his water boiler. Just one stupid boy. He reminded himself for the hundredth time, there are other things to worry. And he did worry about a lot of things, his family, school and work. But maybe because the one person who was his escape isn’t there for him anymore, he felt lost. The person who held him to the ground, where their shared laughs and love for another was his everyday joy, and where nights spent together was filled with warmth. The one person suddenly wasn’t there for him anymore, at least not as often anymore. In which he understood why but was sad about it, so sad he had cried hard the night before into the arms of Mark. Cried hard that Jeno had to come over to make sure he was okay, he hated how much of an effect Renjun had on him and how vulnerable he had suddenly become.
Placing the omelette onto the plate, pouring himself a cup of coffee, and scrolling down his phone for a second before eating slowly. He let himself not think too hard and emotionally but rationally, he had gone through ‘rejection’ before so it was okay and he’ll move on, eventually. He knows it was because of the stress and other things making it hard, he knows that they will still be friends, soulmates even but for now. He would not have him this close for a while, and hopes the two of them understand.
It was a hard week already, so seeing the two of them celebrating while he was secretly suffering was too hard. But Donghyuck didn’t breakdown in front of them, instead, he kissed them both on the cheek, jokingly told them to adopt him, made sure the mood never fell because he indeed loves his friends. Then as the night draws darker, he proceeded to hold onto Mark and begged him to stay the night as he cried. Shaking his head to fight off the memory, Donghyuck stared outside. It’s a nice day out, he should buy himself a cheesecake before class. After he retracted his negative thoughts, Donghyuck went back taking a bite of his breakfast and hummed in enjoyment. He then complimented himself because he cooked well today, cleaned his table and went about his day.