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There are many things Clarke Griffin feels like she doesn’t deserve.
She’d been absolutely prepared to spend the rest of her life wandering Earth alone. That’s the price she agreed to pay for revenge, and it’s something she would do over and over again for Madi. If she wasn’t able to live alongside her, then she deserved justice.
So, Clarke hadn’t expected it in the slightest. For the others to return to her the way they did.
Despite all the hardships, despite all the times they blamed Clarke for the things that had gone wrong, they came back for her. They gave up an eternity of happiness, an eternity of no pain, to come back and be the last of the human race with her.
Across all the planets they’ve been to, the many decades of existence, the many wars and sacrifices they’ve seen, nothing looks more like love to her.
They don’t quite get the shelter finished by nightfall, but nobody seems to mind. Instead, they spend most of the night in front of a roaring fire, eating fish that Miller, Octavia and Echo had spent the afternoon catching. As things settle down, everyone swaps stories about life on the Ark, life on Earth, life on the Ring, life on other planets. They reminisce on past experiences, and even laugh about a few things that they certainly wouldn’t have laughed about at the time.
Everything seems so far away now, which is ironic, considering they are back on the planet where it all started.
It occurs to Clarke that they haven’t had a moment to breathe, all of them together, since the very beginning. They’d spent years apart, and while their circle is incomplete, Clarke feels at peace for the first time since she and Madi were living together in Eden.
There are no more wars to fight, no more of her people to save, nothing else to do. No surviving, just living.
She no longer needs to save the human race when they’re the last of it, and are unable to repopulate the planet. There’s something comforting about the decision no longer being in her hands. There’s no lever to pull to save everyone. She can finally breathe and just be.
As the night comes to a close, everyone curls up close to one another, falling asleep in a pile where Clarke doesn’t know where one person ends and the other begins. She wouldn’t have it any other way. If there’s something out there in the universe that’s more powerful than family, she believes that this is it.
When Clarke wakes up the next morning, it’s still a little dark as the sun has yet to rise. The large fire they’d built has been reduced to embers, and it’s much colder weather than she anticipated.
Right. Earth is cold and they don’t have proper bedding or shelter yet. It’s certainly going to be a fun few nights until that gets sorted out.
Luckily, she’s quickly distracted from the chilly morning air when her gaze catches something off in the distance.
A figure sits by the water further down the beach, illuminated by the light pinks and oranges of the morning sky. As Clarke stands up and starts to approach, she can tell immediately that it’s Lexa from the back of her head. Or, Fake Lexa. The Judge. Whoever she is. Curious as to what she’s doing here again, Clarke heads to the water’s edge. Once she’s close enough to get a glimpse of her face, she’s a little taken aback, as she’s not wearing the armour or the warpaint she was previously.
Instead, she’s dressed simply, and her hair only contains a few small braids, with the rest flowing in waves down her back. Almost like the last time she saw the real Lexa in person. There’s a pang in her chest that she doesn’t expect to feel.
Clarke moves to sit down beside her, the pebbles crunching beneath her feet as she goes. A light mist rests on the surface of the water, and she can see her breath as she exhales. Clarke lets the edge of the water ever-so-gently hit the toes of her boots. “Is this going to be a thing now? Coming to check up on me? Keeping me honest and making sure I don’t kill anyone else?”
The Judge laughs, and it sounds just like the real thing, to the point where Clarke’s chest feels like it caves in a little. They’ve had brief interactions, but it still feels so real. There are little tells that prove she’s not really Lexa, and Clarke knew from the moment that she saw her. She’s a little more stilted, even by Lexa’s usual standards. Still, that didn’t stop her from pretending for a moment, just so she could be in her arms once more.
Clarke hopes this isn’t going to be a regular thing, because she doesn’t know if she can handle it. This kind of cosmic joke isn’t one she’s fond of.
“No, I’m not here for that.” The Judge smiles, and turns to look out at the water once more. “But… your species does continue to surprise me at every turn.”
“Hm. So you keep saying.” Clarke can only imagine what is currently happening with those who transcended. Ironically, a lot of those people are murderers and criminals. “Speaking of… shouldn’t you, I don’t know, be with them instead of here?”
“Well, that’s what I’m trying to tell you, Clarke. I was with them. Actually, I’ve been speaking to Madi, in particular.”
Clarke closes her eyes instinctually. The wound still feels incredibly fresh. She and Gaia had a chance to talk about it the night before, but all Clarke could see was Madi’s face when they found her. As much as she loves that the others returned to her, she knows that she hasn’t properly mourned Madi yet. And it’s going to take time.
“I hope you’re treating her well.” She doesn’t mean it to come out like a threat, but it does anyway.
“Of course.” And since her voice sounds like Lexa’s soft tone, Clarke is inclined to believe her. “But it seems Madi is the one looking after you now.”
Clarke narrows her eyes at The Judge. “What does that mean?”
The tiniest of smiles plays on the corner of The Judge’s lips. “She wanted to give you a gift. Of course, since no one has ever chosen not to ascend, this has also never been done before. But… we came to an agreement. She was very convincing.”
“What hasn’t been done before…?”
Before she has a chance to think about it, she sees something shift out of the corner of her eye, past The Judge and further along the beach. Clarke tilts her head and squints to get a better look as the sun slowly rises over the water. The light of the sun dances off the water, causing it to sparkle. As Clarke’s eyes focus, she notices that the figure in the distance, looking in their direction, is a direct copy of The Judge who is sitting beside her. The person definitely wasn’t there before, so it seems she just appeared out of thin air.
Immediately, Clarke shifts her attention back towards The Judge. “What? Are you cloning yourself now?”
The Judge doesn’t say anything, only gives Clarke a pointed look.
It takes a moment, but then it hits her.
No.
Clarke looks past The Judge again, back at the carbon copy of her, standing completely still and watching the exchange with curiosity and interest.
“No…” Clarke shakes her head, and she immediately feels tears spring into her eyes. “This isn’t… this isn’t funny.”
“Well, it’s not meant to be a joke, Clarke. Like I said, this is a gift from Madi.”
“That’s not her.” Clarke points towards the standing figure, the tears building to the point where her vision is blurred for a moment. “That’s not possible.”
“At some point, space travel was not possible for your people,” The Judge reasons. “Neither was hopping across planets through a wormhole. Or probing into the minds and memories of others. Humans are not the only species out there, Clarke, and they have mastered things that humans have never even attempted.”
Clarke can’t define the emotions she’s feeling. Anger? Hurt? Disbelief? She thought they were finally at peace, that they no longer had to worry. And now it appears like an otherworldly being is fucking with her for her own pleasure. After promising her a happy ending.
It’s then that Clarke remembers that The Judge can feel her emotions, so it’s not a surprise when she speaks up again. “If you don’t believe it, you should go see for yourself. Your gut knew that I wasn’t really her the first time we met, so I feel your gut should be able to tell you if it is.”
Clarke doesn’t believe it for a single moment, so she doesn’t know why she’s immediately compelled to get to her feet and go over there. Maybe it is her gut. But for all she knows, this could be another test designed to get her and all of her friends killed.
She walks over slowly, and every step is slow and painful. The Lexa lookalike is just standing there, a serene expression on her face until Clarke gets close enough. Then, the facade cracks a little, and Clarke notices the slightest hint of tears in her eyes. Her lower lip twitching ever so slightly.
Clarke stops in her tracks. In an instant, with just one facial expression, she knows The Judge was right. Her gut is right.
It’s her. She knows it is.
Clarke feels her entire body betray her. Her knees instantly buckle, and she feels that gravity itself is forcing her into the ground. She reaches the point where she can no longer see through the tears filling her eyes. She feels like she can’t breathe, like someone has constricted her lungs, and she knows her knees are about to hit the gravel below her at any second.
But they don’t.
Instead, she feels a pair of strong arms wrap around her before she can reach the ground, holding her steady.
“I’ve got you, Clarke.”
Lexa’s voice is impossibly soft, and she continues to hold her upright with relative ease. Clarke moves to grip the front of the jacket Lexa’s wearing tightly with both hands, devolving into sobs before her.
“ Don’t let me go, ” Clarke chokes out, balling the jacket so tightly in her hands that her knuckles begin to hurt. She’s never felt such simultaneous pain and relief and confusion and trauma fill her body all at once before. She’s sure if a human being could implode from the sheer amount of emotion they’re experiencing, then she would gone in an instant. “Please don’t let go.”
“Don’t worry,” Lexa murmurs. She’s patient as she holds her, even though Clarke is sure she can feel her heart beating hard through her chest. “Just breathe.”
“I-I don’t… I don’t understand. H-How are you here?” Clarke pulls back slightly to look at Lexa’s face, drinking in every single detail that she’s missed for years. It looks like not a single moment has passed for Lexa. Her eyes are still the same beautiful blue-green, and she’s still glowing in the same way she had been during their final afternoon together. Looking at her is like closing her eyes, because Clarke has seen her more often in her dreams. In her memory. Piecing together the brief time they had known each other.
Clarke knows she must look like a complete mess now, and she still hasn’t stopped crying, but all she wants now is to look at her. Touch her. Reaching up, she places a shaky hand on Lexa’s cheek, and Lexa closes her eyes in response. Her entire body is trembling, she’s nauseous, and she can’t seem to make herself calm down.
Lexa’s lips quirk upwards, and Clarke swears she falls in love all over again in the span of three seconds. “We should sit.”
Clarke takes Lexa’s face between her hands, lightly shaking her head. “But I just… I want to…”
“I know, Clarke.” Lexa smiles kindly at her, leaning forward and resting her forehead gently against Clarke’s. “But breathe. We have time.”
Clarke closes her eyes and attempts to take in some deep breaths. “I just… I love you so much. I love you so much. I don’t understand this.”
Clarke feels Lexa’s hand reach around to the back of her neck, holding her close. “I know,” she whispers, and it’s so soft that Clarke almost doesn’t hear it over the sounds of birds waking up and the trees rustling in the wind. “I know.”
Clarke opens her eyes again, fierce with determination as she looks at her. “I don’t want you to go again. I don’t want to say goodbye.”
Lexa smiles. “Clarke, you’re not listening.” She reaches up tentatively, curling a strand of hair behind Clarke’s ear. She doesn’t know how Lexa does it. Everything she does is in the most intimate way possible. “This is real. I’m not going anywhere.”
Clarke starts to ramble, letting go of Lexa for a brief moment to wipe some of the tears from her own cheeks. “That doesn’t make sense, you didn’t ascend. You were already gone long before the test started. Even the flame is gone now, so there’s no-”
“It was Madi,” Lexa insists, slowly bringing her hands up to cup Clarke’s cheeks. Almost as if she’s afraid to touch her after so long. As if she feels she needs to ask permission first. “She did this. It was her final gift.”
Clarke frowns. It can’t be true, and she doesn’t understand it, and when she turns around to look for The Judge sitting by the water, she’s no longer there. “But how…?”
Lexa shakes her head. “I don’t know. I was not told much.”
Clarke finally lets the words - and the emotions - sink into her. As deep as they can possibly go. She takes a brief moment to look at Lexa’s face, taking in as many tiny details as possible, before grabbing her and kissing her. And it’s certainly harder than she’s ever kissed anyone in her life, because Lexa almost stumbles backwards. Quickly regaining composure, both arms are quickly around Clarke’s waist, pulling her in close.
Clarke is breathless immediately, she holds on for as long as she can, drawing the kiss out to an impossible length. Once she pulls away, she keeps her lips close to Lexa’s, their noses brushing together. She wants more. She wants to be closer.
“Clarke…” Clarke feels Lexa’s breath across her lips as she speaks. “I love you.”
Clarke scrunches up her nose, but doesn’t pull away. “That’s the first time you’ve said that.”
Lexa smiles again. “I wanted it to be real. Not inside the City of Light, or… someone impersonating me. I never thought I would get the chance.”
Clarke takes in a deep breath, pulling back a little and opening her eyes. “How do I know you’re not just going to disappear?”
“I don’t think you do,” Lexa replies. “But I think your gut can tell you.”
And Clarke feels it. Almost as if The Judge instilled something within her to make sure she knew for certain. So she wouldn’t have to stress about waking up one morning and Lexa being gone. There’s something deep within her that just knows this is real. And she couldn’t explain it even if she tried. And it makes her infinitely curious about the other species The Judge spoke of. The other worlds where this kind of thing is possible. While she knows she won’t be able to bring anyone else back in this way, it doesn’t matter. Not when the woman she loves is standing in front of her.
Clarke pulls her in again and just holds her. They stay together for an impossibly long time, and when Clarke closes her eyes, all she can hear is the sounds of nature around her and Lexa’s even breaths. It’s all she’s wanted for such a long time. For the first time since Lexa died in her arms, that part of her heart has felt full again. A part of herself she’d locked away for good.
“We should go. Your friends might be awake by now,” Lexa murmurs in her ear, when really, all Clarke wants to do is stay here longer in her embrace. Beyond the safety of her family, there’s nothing she’s wanted more than this experience right here. As if Lexa’s reading her thoughts, she lets out a light chuckle. “We have plenty of time, Clarke. A lifetime. I promise.”
Clarke nods reluctantly before letting go. “This isn't over. We have a lot of catching up to do.”
Lexa pulls away, but takes the opportunity to slip her hand into Clarke’s. It’s so casual that Clarke is almost taken aback. “Good. I want to know everything.”
They walk across the sand and rocks, hand in hand, back to the makeshift camp they built the night before. Indra is already awake and preparing food. At the sight of Lexa, her mouth drops open and she falls to her knees in front of her. Lexa pulls her up from the ground immediately and embraces her tightly, while Clarke watches on fondly.
As the others begin to stir and awaken, Lexa is met with overwhelming shock and curiosity, but not a single bit of animosity. As if what Lexa means to Clarke is already far more important than whatever happened in the past when they were once on opposite sides. With so many others given second chances over the years, it appears to be second nature at this point.
That night, some semblance of a shelter has finally been built, and Clarke curls up next to Lexa by the fire. Raven is excitedly going through plans for future buildings with Miller, Jackson and Indra. Gaia leads Octavia, Echo and Hope through some meditation. Murphy and Emori go to take a late night swim. The others are attempting to teach Picasso some new, and rather absurd, tricks.
It’s only then that a specific thought hits Clarke, and she turns to Lexa. “You said once that your spirit would choose wisely once you died. Madi was the next Commander after you, and she brought you here to me.”
Clarke watches as a smile grows on Lexa’s face. “I wish I had the privilege of meeting her. Being inside the flame in her head isn’t quite the same thing.”
The ache washes over Clarke’s heart like a tidal wave, but the comment makes her smile regardless. “Yeah. I wish you could’ve met her, too.”
Lexa pulls her in closer, continuing to stare at the fire. “We honour her by making the most of the gift she gave all of us.”
Clarke nods. She’s really missed Lexa’s insights, even when they sometimes used to irritate her. “You’re right.” While she has her own ideas about what Madi might have given up in order for this gift to be possible, she may never know the truth. It might be something she has to let go of in time. “She deserves that at the very least.”
Later, as the fire dies down, the human cuddle pile is much less necessary than the night before. Clarke and Lexa settle down to fall asleep in each other’s arms, and Clarke takes a moment to look up to the beautiful array of stars above her. She thinks of the Ark, the many worlds out there, and the ones she’s loved and lost along the way.
Eventually, Clarke falls asleep with Madi on her mind, and she thinks that just maybe, everything they did over the years was worth it for this.