Work Text:
Nastya Rasputina had lived far too long to fear death. She had lived far too long to fear most things, actually. All things had an end. Even the Mechanisms. Even her love, the Aurora. Even her . She had felt her end coming for a long time. She had known it would be inevitable. Her quicksilver blood grew colder with each passing day as if it were now pure ice that pumped its way throughout her body. On the few occasions she did die, it was taking longer and longer to come back. Whatever Carmilla had done to keep her alive for so long, it had begun to stop working. So the engineer came to the only logical conclusion. She needed to leave. She would not let her family watch her die. And they were her family. Jonny and the rest. They were dysfunctional siblings that had cared for her just as much as she had cared for them. Her death would be slow and painful and permanent . It was better if she just left; if they thought she was still out there in the unknown. Abandonment was better than letting them face her reality.
Jonny in particular stuck in Nastya’s mind as she made her preparations to leave. He was the only one older than her; the one that had been there with her throughout all of her suffering. Her first friend. Her brother .The one who understood her more than most - even if he was abysmal at dealing with her own emotions. Nastya knew her departure would hit him hard. Her death would have hit him harder. It was why she was so against any goodbyes. She didn’t want to face him. She couldn’t. Out of all of them, he was the one who had even the smallest chance of making her stay. She refused to risk it.
Her plan to leave wasn’t a pleasant one. Though, very few things in her life ever had been. There was one final piece of Aurora’s original form left; one single piece that hadn’t been tainted or destroyed. Nastya knew that it didn’t change who Aurora was. Not entirely. The ship still remained her greatest love. Her greatest joy. She was also Nastya’s easiest excuse; heartbreak. If anyone stopped her as she left, she could claim that it was from heartbreak- that the Aurora had changed too much and she couldn’t stay here any longer. But that wasn’t the reason she took the scrap of metal with her. It was a final piece of home. It was a reminder of a love story that had lasted millenia. And maybe...maybe it was enough to convince Nastya that she wasn’t going to die alone.
The Aurora was not content with letting Nastya leave. She pleaded and pleaded for her lover to stay; promises of finding a way to make her engine rooms even warmer to combat the iciness of her blood; promises to do anything to keep her there. But Nastya couldn’t stay. So she whispered hundreds of private goodbyes with what felt like an infinite number of ‘I love you’s. It hurt to know that this was it. This would be her final encounter with her girlfriend. After this...she would be alone.
Nastya had chosen the easiest way to sneak away. The airlock. She would simply cast herself out. She had a habit of hiding away on her own for days on end. By the time the others noticed she was gone, it would be too late. Nastya would be too far behind. She hadn’t planned on encountering Jonny. The way his face fell as she told him she wouldn’t come back would haunt Nastya until her final moments. She knew she would feel guilty but seeing his reaction in person...It hurt more than any wound ever had. It almost hurt as much as the agony of her quicksilver blood. But that pain...It was overwhelming. It reminded her that she couldn’t stay. Not even for him.
So Nastya Rasputina cast herself out into the vastness of space, clutching at the fragment of her true love.
Space was cruel to her. That wasn’t unexpected. Space was cruel to everyone. With no air, she died again and again and again. Each time, Nastya wondered if this would be it. She wondered if she would finally get the peace she craved. The cold of space caused the mercury in her veins to contract; to solidify. It was no longer enough. It no longer pumped through her veins. Every death grew that little bit closer to becoming permanent. The end grew near.
But through it all, Nastya remembered the stars. The endless stars that surrounded her; that seemed so close but were still lightyears away. Each star would have promised her warmth; enough warmth to get her blood pumping again. Perhaps even enough warmth to steer away the end of her long existence. But she would never reach them. She could barely move anymore - let alone make it across such a distance. But there was a comfort in the stars. They held their own beauty. A brightness within the unending dark. A glimmer of hope within Nastya’s defeat. She found herself wondering if they had names; if they had some deeper meaning to someone out there. Maybe they formed a constellation on some far off planet. Maybe they had their own stories to tell.
Even when they died, stars would be beautiful. They would explode into destructive colours and become a beauty to behold. Sometimes, they even took years to die; slowly succumbing to their end. Nastya thought she understood the stars on that part. A permanent and ending death felt as if it would take an eternity. Only, her deaths were never beautiful. They were painful. Each one hurt just as much as the last - no matter how much she tried to tell herself otherwise. She tried to pretend that she was used to the pain; that it stopped bothering her after a while. But it didn’t. It never did.
Then it finally happened.
Whilst watching perhaps the brightest star she had ever seen, Nastya Rasputina found peace. As she found herself amongst the great beyond, she knew she would see those she loved again. She knew eternity would grant them the same peace it gave her. She just hoped their deaths would not hurt as much. Though, Nastya knew none of them would go out with ease. The Mechanisms were wild and would go out with all the passion of an exploding star.