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Ryuusei Shidou would not call himself weak. In fact, he is quite the opposite.
Ryuusei is actually one strong motherfucker. At least, that's what he’s been told and he believes it. Maybe it’s because of his looks; he’s tall and when he walks it’s as if he owns everything in sight. He’s always got a permanent smirk on his face, a shit eating grin as if broadcasting to the whole world that yes, he is better than everyone else and yes, he knows it too. No matter what he does, his eyes never waver, they’re always up and watching like a predator on the lookout for its next meal. When he talks to you he never looks away, it feels as if he’s staring directly into you. It’s as if he can see right through whatever facade you may be putting on, detect every lie you may tell, as if he knows every little secret from just one glance. He doesn’t. Half the time he isn’t even really paying attention because he really could care less he just thinks it’s rude to look away when someone’s speaking.
It could also be his attitude. Ryuusei lived by one rule and one rule only: do whatever the fuck you want . He held nothing back; if he liked you he’d say it to your face, and if he didn’t, well it depends how badly you pissed him off. Some might say he’s mean, he just thought he was blunt. But it didn’t really matter what others thought because Ryuusei didn’t care, why should the opinions of nuisances bother him anyways. He would live life how he wanted and no one would tell him otherwise. Even if they tried they’d either end up ignored or punched, it really just depended on his mood. Everything about Ryuusei screamed strong and he was proud of that. It meant less problems to deal with in the long run if less people bothered him because they were scared.
Yet everyone has their fatal flaw, their Achilles heel, even Ryuusei. His just so happened to be a person, a pretty boy with purple hair and an electrifying smile. His name was Reo Mikage and he drove Ryuusei insane.
Reo was unlike any other person Ryuusei had met. He had those eyes, the ones that were constantly looking forward. It was like Reo never stopped planning for his future, as if he was always trying to find ways to better himself. Reo had this way of speaking, where he knew just what to say and when to say it. He talked with purpose and with that voice, that edgy vibrato voice that drew you in and didn’t let you go. He had a smile that could make anyone happy just by seeing it. He could charm anyone with just a few words and that smile, fuck, he charmed Ryuusei the first time they met and that is very hard to do.
Ah yes, their first meeting.
Ryuusei can remember it like it was yesterday. To him, it is one of the most important days in his life because it was the day he met the one person who would always know him best. Reo did this thing where he could always see through Ryuusei. He saw through the delinquent kid who fought anyone given any reason, he saw through the boy who broke rules for fun, and he saw a person . He saw a person worthy of love and for that, Ryuusei doesn’t think he could ever thank him enough.
They met in high school, when Ryuusei thought he ruled the world (he didn’t, but he was a punk and very much believed it to be so). Reo was student class president and adored by everyone, so essentially, they were polar opposites. But you know what they say, opposites attract, especially in their case. It was fifth period and Ryuusei didn’t want to go to class so he decided to sneak out as he usually did, but he was caught. He was caught with one leg already hanging out the window by a fuming class president. It took a lot of convincing, but Ryuusei got Reo to join him on his adventure of skipping school and that’s how their story began.
Ryuusei never would have thought that story would end. But there's a first time for everything, even Ryuusei being wrong.
“No! There is absolutely no way in hell I’m jumping out of a window just to skip class!” Reo screeched. He couldn’t believe the other had even suggested such a crazy idea. Reo had never skipped class, never broke any rules at all even. Especially not one that could jeopardize his entire high school career. If he did that, his father would have his head on a platter for dinner. Yet even with all his protests, the boy sitting in the window just seemed more amused.
“C’mon prez, live a little why don’t ya?” said the other boy with a smirk on his face. Reo knew him, the one who was constantly getting into trouble, the one who sat at the back of his math class snickering the whole time. Ryuusei, that was his name. Reo should hate him. In fact, he shouldn’t even entertain this stupid idea of sneaking out. He should march right down to the principal's office and report him, that’s what he should do. But a part of him just couldn’t. He was intrigued; intrigued by the white haired boy with tan skin and a mischievous demeanor. Something in the way Ryuusei looked at him, with fiery eyes that just ached for a challenge and a smirk that almost begged Reo to say yes, made him stay. With this being the first ever proper meeting the two had, Reo couldn’t help but notice just how attractive the other was, it was almost unfair how handsome Ryuusei was just sitting there. Reo was too lost in thought to notice Ryuusei had jumped off the window sill and was now making his way over to where Reo stood. By the time he did notice though, the other was hovering above him, that smirk still sitting on Ryuusei’s face.
“I’ll make it worth your while, my little purple bun.” Ryuusei almost sang the words and Reo could feel his face heat up. Reo didn’t like the fact that Ryuusei could make his heart race so easily. He also didn’t like that he couldn’t pull his eyes away from the other. He was so captivating, this Ryuusei, it was even more apparent from this close. Reo wanted to drown in the other’s presence; he wanted to crack open Ryuusei’s soul and know every little thing about him. It was scary, so scary just how easy Ryuusei got him hooked. But Reo kind of loved it because never in his life has anything ever been this exciting.
“Fine. I’ll go. But you better make it fun so I don’t regret it.” Reo responded. He tried not to sound eager, but his disposition gave him away. It was almost like he was asking Ryuusei to save him from the school like a knight saves a princess from a tower. It made Ryuusei almost laugh, it seemed the student council president wasn’t just a stuck up goody two shoes, how interesting.
“Oh trust me purple bun, nothing I do is anything but fun.”
Some people are meant to last forever. Some people have love that is written in the stars, a fated love. Ryuusei had always believed he and Reo were a pair of those people. No one complimented Ryuusei like Reo did. They each made up for the things the other lacked. Where Ryuusei was all hard edges and impulsive decisions, Reo was soft curves and thought out ideas. Reo was Ryuusei’s impulse control, and Ryuusei was the reason Reo still knew what the word ‘fun’ meant. Like two perfect puzzle pieces they fit together. Ryuusei was the sun to Reo’s moon, never one without the other. And for a while, it seemed it would always stay that way.
But fate is a funny little thing. It likes to weave stories that are tragically beautiful, not just the sweet and happy ones. In fates eyes, not everyone got to have that picture perfect ending. If you wanted it, you would just have to work for it.
In Ryuusei’s case, he never really imagined having to work for it. Reo was everything to him. But high school is very far away from real life. In high school, life was simple, it was easy. In high school, the real world didn’t weigh that heavy, at least not to two teens in love. But high school was ways away now. No matter how much Ryuusei wants to go back, he can’t. All he can do is fight for his future. The future he wants to have with Reo.
That meant packing, but Ryuusei despised packing. He despised anything that didn’t make his heart explode with a fiery passion. Yet there was only a short list of things that made his heart explode, art was there because art was the only way Ryuusei could express such explosive thoughts, Reo was on that list too right at the top. Packing definitely wasn’t. That’s why once again the white haired man put it off to the last second. Instead, he stood on the small balcony of his shared apartment and stared up at the moon. It was almost gone, only a small crescent sliver was left. In a few nights it would be totally black, devoid of any light. The sight made him smile, a fond memory began surfacing in his head. But his concentration on the moon was broken by a voice.
“Please don’t tell me you’re going again.”
Kunigami. His uptight, self-righteous, ass of a roommate. It wasn’t that Ryuusei hated Kunigami, no, that wasn’t quite right. The two just happened to disagree on everything and Ryuusei didn’t like being challenged, especially on his firm beliefs. But Kunigami was the type of guy who just had to have the last word, even if he was wrong. It irked Ryuusei. However, Kungami was also his greatest confidant because for all the negatives about the other, he did give great advice. So one night, while completely drunk, he spilled his guts to Kunigami. He left out none of the gory, messy details of his and Reo’s story. The highs, the lows, the hitting rock bottom and not ever really getting back up, Kunigami knew it all. That also irked Ryuusei. He didn’t like the fact that there was someone who knew so much, who could look at his situation objectively and tell him that what he was doing was unhealthy, that at some point he would crash and burn, whether he liked it or not. It left a bitter taste in his mouth when Kunigami watched him last minute pack every couple months to chase after a whisper in the wind. But Ryuusei couldn’t stop himself, he couldn’t just give up. He wouldn’t lose the one thing that never failed to light his heart up.
“Shut the fuck up Kunigami. I won’t take any judgment from you .” Ryuusei hisses back, voice like venom. He doesn’t even turn his head to look at the muscular ginger behind him. But he can feel it, those eyes, those eyes that stare into Ryuusei’s soul and read him like an open book. He doesn’t need to see his own shame reflected back at him. “Aren’t you the one who chose his stupid job over chasing the love of his life, and now is stuck living with someone you don’t like making you both single and miserable?” Ryuusei wasn’t the only one who spilled his guts drunk that night. He can still recall Kunigami’s longing tales of a pink haired boy who only ever wanted to travel while Kunigami, firm in his beliefs, chose to stay behind to pursue his law degree.
It’s a low blow. Ryuusei knows that, it’s a cheap, dirty blow. And he knows Kunigami probably winced behind him but Ryuusei can’t do this, he can’t be told again that what he is doing is wrong, that this love is wrong. So he sends the low blow without even looking back, his eyes still cast up high at the moon.
“Ryu… You know I’m not trying to be mean right? I’m worried about you man. It’s like, he calls, and you just drop everything to go to him but when has he ever truly shown interest back? When has he ever asked you to stay? Every time you get back you fall into an art rut and get so drunk I have to carry you into your room from the hallway. And you’re fucking heavy, dude.” Kunigami is now standing next to him, Ryuusei can feel the heat of the other radiated next to him but he still doesn’t look over, eyes unwavering. Still, Kunigami continued.
“Aren’t you tired? Tired of giving everything you have for nothing in return? Tired of chasing and chasing and chasing? At some point, you’re going to crash and you’ll never be able to get back up. It may be hypocritical of me to say this but,” Ryuusei felt his muscles tense, “shouldn’t you just, let him go?”
Let him go? Ryuusei wanted to scoff. Well, no. Ryuusei wanted to scream into a pillow and let the tears he always held back go. Ryuusei wanted to tell Kunigami he needed to shut the fuck up and leave him be. Tell him that, yes, he knows. He knows it’s fucked up what he’s doing. He knows that it's unhealthy and that it will ultimately be his demise. But Ryuusei doesn’t care. He doesn’t care because Reo even after all this time is still beautiful. His eyes still shine when he talks about the stars, his kisses still ignite a fire under his heart, his entire being brings Ryuusei so much joy it’s indescribable. Ryuusei can’t just let that go. As long as Reo still calls for him, as long as Reo still wants him, no matter the reason, Ryuusei will go to him. Because no matter how many lows they hit, Ryuusei knows, he knows , that their love was meant to last forever. A love meant to be written in the stars right next to the moon.
“Thanks but, I really need to pack, I don’t have time to take life lessons from a hypocrite.” The white haired man then turns to walk away, barely even acknowledging Kunigami because if he does, he knows he won’t be able to get those words out of his head. So fuck it, he may hate packing, but he hates Kunigami’s anti-Reo rants more. Ryuusei takes one last look at the moon he loved, the moon he shared with Reo, and walks back inside. He had a long flight, 7 hours, to be precise.
“And that right there, the one that seems to glow a bit brighter than the other stars, that's Mars!” Reo said, his eyes looking up at the night sky, a big smile on his face. The purple haired boy was currently sitting in the lap of his boyfriend while bundled up in blankets to protect them from the chilly night air. The boyfriend in question, Ryuusei, had his chin resting on the smaller boy's shoulder, his arms holding the other close to him. One of Reo’s hands was intertwined with Ryuusei’s and the other was pointing up at the vast night sky trying to show Ryuusei the planet Mars. But Ryuusei’s eyes weren’t on the sky, they were closely studying the side profile of his boyfriend’s pretty face.
Ryuusei didn’t want to forget this moment, this feeling. He wanted to etch this memory into his brain so that he would never be able to forget it. He wanted to remember the lilt in Reo’s voice when he talked about stars and planets and comets. He wanted to remember the feeling of his hand in Reo’s. He wanted to remember the way his heart beat faster than the wings of a hummingbird. If he could, he would just stop time and live in this moment forever. But Ryuusei isn’t that much of a badass, so the best he can do is try and memorize this moment like he memorizes the prices of his favorite art supplies.
“Hey! You’re not even paying attention.” grumbles Reo, who had finally torn his eyes away from the sky to side eye his boyfriend. There was an adorable little pout on his lips. Ryuusei wanted to kiss it off them.
“I’m sorry sweetums, but unlike you who is in love with the sky, I happen to be in love with my boyfriend.” It wasn’t the first time Ryuusei has told Reo he loved him and it certainly would not be the last, yet it still made Reo’s whole face heat up. Reo, trying to hide his embarrassment, put his hand on Ryuusei’s face in an attempt to push him away. But Ryuusei just let out a low chuckle, he lightly pulled Reo’s hand away and leaned in to connect their lips. Reo kissed back immediately and they melted into each other. When they kissed, it felt as if nothing in the world could go wrong. For Ryuusei, kissing Reo was like flying; it was freedom unlike any other, and it was addicting. A feeling that Ryuusei just wanted to keep chasing after. For Reo, kissing Ryuusei was like feeling a wave of love and comfort washing over him as if nothing could ever go wrong.
When they parted, soft smiles laid on their lips. In their heads, they both thought the same thing:
‘Nothing in the world could beat the way I feel for you.’
“How do you know so much about the sky, my darling little purple bun?” Ryuusei finally asked, breaking the silence. Reo rolled his eyes at the dumb nickname. He tried to get Ryuusei to stop, but it seemed the other was far too attached to it (and secretly so was he). Reo let his eyes find the sky once more. He got lost in the stars, a distant smile settling on his face.
“I’ve always loved astronomy. Ever since I was young, discovering a new comet was my dream.” Ryuusei can see it, see how happy the sky makes his lover. He looks at the sky with almost the same intensity he looks at Ryuusei with, and Ryuusei has half the idea to be jealous of it. But if Reo loved the sky, Ryuusei did too. Then, Reo’s eyes drop to the ground. “But that was just a pipe dream, I learned as I got older, I don’t really have a choice to decide my own dreams. So I just study it a lot. I can’t pursue it the way that I want, but that doesn’t mean I have to stop loving it.”
It was heavy. Reo hadn’t really explored much on the topic of his family, the expectations held for him. When his family came up, he was quick to deflect; do anything he could not to talk about it. Ryuusei wished he could comfort the other, but Ryuusei wasn’t the softest of people. When stuff got him down, he either painted or smashed some plates, it really depended on his mood. However, neither of those things would be helpful to Reo, so Ryuusei didn’t bring it up. Instead, he pulled Reo a little closer in his lap and left sweet kisses all over the others neck and face.
“Tell me about it,” he says, “Tell me all about the sky you love. I like hearing your voice, and I love hearing you talk about your passions. It makes you ten times hotter.” Reo laughs, that pretty, bell-like laugh that drives Ryuusei crazy. And he does, he tells Ryuusei all about the things he loves in the sky and Ryuusei listens. Sometimes he interjects with his own witty comment, but mostly he just lets Reo talk, because it seems Reo never really gets to talk about his interests with anyone.
“But what I really love is the moon, because everyone is always staring at the same moon. Unlike the stars that change every night, the moon is a constant presence. Isn't it just amazing? We could be thousands of miles apart and still be staring at the same moon.” Reo is gushing and Ryuusei loves it. He loves the happy glow Reo has (or maybe the glow is from the full moon) either way, Ryuusei loves it. Then, he is struck with a fantastic idea. A cheesy, stupid idea he knows is sure to make Reo fall in love with him even more.
“So then, if that’s the case, how ’bout this? If you and I are ever apart but desperately miss each other, then we can stare at the moon. That way, we will always remember there is someone looking out for us.” It’s dumb, so fucking dumb, and Ryuusei probably stole it from one of the shitty romantic dramas his mom watches, but it’s worth it. It’s worth it because Reo looks at Ryuusei with big eyes that burn with love. He seems speechless, like Ryuusei just told him he had bought him the damn thing or something. And maybe there are tears in Reo’s eyes because for the first time in his life, he has someone willing to sit and listen to him. Someone who isn’t being kind to him for a reward. For the first time in Reo’s life, he feels unconditionally loved because Ryuusei loves him, and that idea finally hit him.
“Shidou Ryuusei you absolute jerk, I’m utterly in love with you.” Reo says, and Ryuusei wants to reply but he’s too busy with Reo’s lips meeting his own. Ryuusei is knocked back by the other and their heads bump and teeth clack but to them, it's absolutely perfect. Reo and Ryuusei kiss and kiss and kiss under the glowing light of a full moon which seems to reflect the love they hold for each other.
Bright. Beautiful.
But fleeting.
“So you called him again? Are you crazy? How many times do I need to tell you that you have to end whatever the fuck it is you have with this guy.”
Nagi’s voice rings in Reo’s ears like an alarm that wakes you up from a really good dream. It’s loud, obnoxious, and heartbreaking. Reo doesn’t want to hear it. He knows that it’s wrong, his relationship with Ryuusei. He knows it’s toxic to keep doing it, but toxic things are so addicting . It’s like cigarettes or alcohol, it makes you feel good while secretly destroying you. That’s what his relationship with Ryuusei was like now.
Ryuusei always made Reo feel good. Ever since they were young, Ryuusei has always been the one person who Reo could count on to make his dark world bright again. His dad was screaming at him for a bad test grade? Calling Ryuusei and hearing his voice made him calm down instantly. To have someone always there to support you, it’s intoxicating. The feelings Ryuusei made him feel were so intoxicating it was ridiculous. And it’s those feelings, those stupid stupid feelings (read: love) that caused the situation they were in today.
Life wasn’t kind.
Reo knew that. He had known that since he was young. When he was forced to sit inside and take lessons as a child instead of play with others. When his father laughed in his face when he expressed his interest in studying astronomy. When the person he loved most in the world was torn away from him. Life wasn’t kind, but Ryuusei made it better. At least, he did for a short while. Maybe that’s why Reo had such a hard time letting him go. Ryuusei was always there for him with open arms and a shoulder to cry on. Ryuusei took Reo on adventures that distracted him from the stress of the world he lived in. Ryuusei loved Reo; he loved him so much it was almost overwhelming. Ryuusei drowned Reo in his love and at first, Reo enjoyed it. He enjoyed the whimsical, rose-tinted world Ryuusei had built them through his love. When they would sneak out and kiss under the stars in a place only they knew. When Ryuusei would whisper sweet nothings into Reo’s ear about the life they would have together. Reo loved those times, he held onto those memories like they were his lifeline.
But life isn’t kind. Especially not to Reo Mikage.
Ryuusei would paint pictures of the future he saw for them and Reo would nod along with a smile but in reality, he never saw those images. No matter how beautiful they were, Reo only ever saw black and white endings. Some would call it pessimism, but Reo would call it realism.
It wasn’t that Reo didn’t want those futures; ones with Ryuusei where they lived in a small apartment in New York City while Ryuusei created art and Reo got to study the stars. In fact, Reo would do anything to have that future. But there were two problems prohibiting that future. One was Reo’s family. It was almost certain that Reo’s family wouldn’t approve of Ryuusei, not the delinquent who turned their ‘good and pure’ son into a rebel. Reo once tried to imagine introducing Ryuusei to his parents and shivered at the thought. It would be a shit show to say the least. And even though he hates to admit it, Reo would never want to disappoint his family. Reo had given up so much for them and their praise. No matter how many times his father made him cry or his mother judged him, Reo loved them. Maybe he shouldn’t, Ryuusei told him he shouldn’t. “Why love people who only ever hurt you?” he had told Reo one frosty winter night when Reo had snuck into the other’s home after a particularly bad fight with his parents. And Reo wanted so badly to explore the answer to that question, to find out why he was so stuck on getting approval from the people who never tried to see him for his best. Yet Reo wasn’t like Ryuusei. He wasn’t strong. He couldn’t drop someone or something as easily as Ryuusei could. Reo can’t walk away from things like Ryuusei can. Reo cares too much. And it sucks but it’s true. He cared about his parents, he cared about his friends, and Reo cared about Ryuusei. But that brings Reo to his second problem.
He cared about Ryuusei.
But he didn’t love him.
It was a harsh reality. Reo didn’t love Ryuusei, at least, not like he once did. At one point, Ryuusei was everything to Reo. He was his sun, his stars, and his moon. Reo couldn’t imagine a life without Ryuusei. Reo thought he would love Ryuusei ’til he died at one point.
Until he didn’t.
Until loving Ryuusei stopped feeling like floating through the air but like falling, falling and never knowing when you’ll hit the bottom so you’re in a constant state of fear and anxiousness. Loving Ryuusei became tiresome because Ryuusei loved so fiercely that Reo couldn’t keep up and at some point, he just didn’t want to.
So Reo would pick fights. He would push and push until Ryuusei lashed out. And they would scream. They would scream at each other in the dead of night throwing accusatory fingers into each other’s chests until they either parted ways angry or kissed until the anger subsided. Reo did this because he wanted to feel something. He didn’t want to lose that fiery love they had in the beginning of their relationship. He did it because deep down he knew that no matter how badly of a fight they got in, Ryuusei would always come back if Reo asked. But if Reo told him to go he would, and he would never come back because that’s who Ryuusei is, when he walks away from something he walks away and he doesn’t look back. Reo can’t imagine it, he doesn’t want to imagine it, a life where Ryuusei walks away from him permanently. But it seems that’s where they are headed.
After high school, the two of them were pulled in vastly different directions. Ryuusei decided to chase his dream of becoming an artist and Reo, well Reo followed in his father’s footsteps and decided to attend the college chosen for him. No matter how hard they tried to stay together, the world around them was tearing them apart. They tried, they really did. Ryuusei was adamant on staying together, he didn’t want to let go. Reo didn’t either, but he was tired. Tired of the fighting, tired of the constant tension in the air around them, tired of Ryuusei looking at him with dull eyes. Everything truly fell apart the night Ryuusei got offered a spot in a New York Gallery. New York was miles away from California (their current residence) but who was Reo to tell Ryuusei to give up that opportunity? Who was Reo to ask Ryuusei to stay when he wasn’t even sure if he wanted him to stay? So Reo told him to go. Ryuusei argued, begged Reo to ask him to stay because he knew what leaving meant. Leaving was just a synonym for breaking up. Ryuusei wanted nothing more than to keep them together and so, of course, they fought. It was probably their worst fight. Reo can still hear the sound of Ryuusei’s voice crack, the sound of the door slamming as he left, and the silence that followed after. He can also distantly hear the sound of his own tears, but that’s a memory he shoves deep down in the bottom of his sagging heart.
It makes him shiver.
Ryuusei moved to New York not too soon after that. He didn’t want to admit it, but he was tired too. And they broke up, in a sense. The words were never really spoken (and sure, neither of them pursued other relationships) but that’s what it felt like. It felt like a breakup . Reo hated it, Ryuusei did too. But they were also prideful. Neither one wanted to make the first move; they were too afraid of what it meant, too afraid of what conversations it would bring up. It probably would have stayed that way if Reo wasn’t so weak. If he could handle the harsh criticism his father constantly threw at him. But as prideful as Reo was, he couldn’t help the fact that after every bad night, he wished he was going home to Ryuusei to be held in his secure arms while he whispers sweet words into his ears. In the end, he broke down and he called the boy who was three thousand miles away from him. He begged him to come back, to come home.
And he did.
Ryuusei dropped everything he was working on to catch the next flight to California. Once again, Reo found himself drowning in the other. It was good having him back. For a second, it felt like the old times. It felt like maybe, things could really work out. Reo should have known how idiotic that was. Within a week they were fighting again. So Ryuusei left and Reo swore not to call him again. But as said before, Reo was weak, and deep down, so was Ryuusei. Reo would end up calling Ryuusei while sobbing and begging him to come back and Ryuusei would, every single time. He would come back and things would be good until they weren’t and then he left. It was a bitter cycle the two found themselves caught in. But they didn’t say anything, because if they didn’t have this... what would be left?
Reo knew what it meant to break the cycle. It meant ending everything. It meant admitting to Ryuusei that what it is they were doing isn’t what people in love do. It meant saying goodbye.
“Are you listening to me? Reo?” Nagi’s voice broke the purple haired boy out of his thought spiral. Reo looked over at the only friend he’s made since Ryuusei, his college friend he made in first year. Nagi was an incredibly straightforward type of person but not in the smart way, more of the I don’t think about what I say before I say it type of way. He was a good balance for Reo who constantly overthought things, and so they got along quite well. He was also the only voice of reason Reo had. Ever since Nagi found out about his situation with Ryuusei, he had admittedly been against it (maybe he had a personal agenda, but Reo didn’t think he was smart enough for that). Reo had to listen to Nagi because Nagi didn’t lie. Sure Nagi thought the moon landing was fake, but Nagi didn’t lie. So when he said Reo needed to break it off because it was toxic, Reo knew he was right. And for a while he denied it, but it was getting to the point where he couldn’t anymore.
“Yeah yeah I’m listening. But don’t get the wrong idea. I only called him because I have a plan.” Reo says to his blue eyed friend. Nagi tilts his head like a cat when it’s confused, “And that would be?” comes the other’s response (emphasis on the ‘be’). Reo feels his heart constrict, and outside the moon has begun to wane.
“I’m going to end things with him. Permanently.”
Reo was exhausted.
The kind of exhausted that came from build up. Reo had been pushing his exhaustion back, pushing his own feelings back and putting them behind a wall. If he didn't, how would he ever meet his father’s ridiculous commands? He wouldn’t, is the answer. He couldn’t afford to be tired or sad or anything else. So he pushed it all back until, like a weak dam, it broke and flooded him.
It happened at 1am on a late Friday night. The minute Reo’s back hit the door of his apartment, the tears burst out. Reo tried to push them back. He used the palms of his hands to rub his cheeks until they burned a bright red but even then, the tears didn’t stop. It was like trying to clean a window in the rain - impossible. They kept coming and coming and Reo tried, he tried to repair the wall he stuffed all his feelings behind, but it was too much. His walls were withered away from months of constant pressure. Ever since college started, Reo’s father had gotten worse (and Reo didn’t even know that was possible). He created a strict schedule that barely allowed Reo any free time, monitored his free time, made him double up on classes, and gave him an internship at the company. It was way too much and Reo wasn’t ready. But his father didn’t care, which resulted in screaming and berating and lots of insults. It wasn’t something new to Reo but now it was much more frequent. Reo doesn’t think his father has ever given him a compliment in all the time he has been alive. At first it wasn’t so bad, after all at this point Reo was used to it. And then, well, then Ryuusei left.
It had been two months now, since he left.
Reo really shouldn’t complain, he shouldn’t cry either. It was his fault after all - Ryuusei left because of him. Because Reo wouldn’t stop pushing him. Maybe if Reo was stronger, maybe if Reo wasn’t so afraid, Ryuusei would still be here. He would still hold Reo in his arms and tell him that he is beautiful, even when he cries. He would tell Reo that he loved him and his love knew no bounds and Reo would melt like he always did. Sure, sometimes they fought but it was worth it because Reo still had Ryuusei right?
Wrong.
It got harder. Once upon a time, Ryuusei’s love could heal his wounds. But when they are constantly reopened, when his cuts are constantly prodded and his bruises constantly poked, he gets angry. It’s a helpless anger. One that makes anything anyone does seem like an attack, like how a hurt animal attacks the helping hands of a vet, Reo attacked Ryuusei even when all he wanted to do was help.
And they fought, and fought, and fought.
It was vicious. That was really the only word Reo could think of that described it. They were absolutely vicious to each other, going at the things they knew would make the other crack. Reo would go after Ryuusei’s unstable dream, tell him that if he didn’t make it then what else he could possibly do because it wasn't like he applied to college (yes it was wrong, and Reo knew that now, but not then). Ryuusei would go after Reo’s personal life, call him a doormat for never standing up for himself and only ever doing what others wanted (Ryuusei wasn’t wrong, but it still hurt to hear nonetheless). It went on until someone broke too much, it went on until they couldn’t keep it up anymore. They fought almost every night and no longer did Reo have a place to fix his wounds. He tried to replace Ryuusei’s warm embrace with his own, but he somehow just ended up colder.
Nothing could compare to the fight the night when Ryuusei left, though. Reo doesn’t like recalling it. It was still too fresh two months later, the brokenness in Ryuusei’s voice, the dull look in his eyes, but what hurt the most was when Ryuusei hesitated. When he went to open the door and just for a second his hand wavered before opening it. Ryuusei wasn’t someone who hesitated; once he made a decision, it was final. But he hesitated for Reo and yet he still sent him away. It burned at his heart and ate at his mind. Why didn’t he chase him? Why couldn’t he just speak his mind? Why couldn’t he do anything right?
Somehow Reo had ended up on the ground. Loud broken sobs shook his body and echoed within the lonely walls of his small apartment. He wonders if the walls were crying with him, and if they could speak, what would they say? (Hopefully something nice, Reo needed nice back in his life). He couldn’t breathe, his chest was tight, and all he could do was cry. He felt so lost, so alone, and he didn’t know what to do. Could he really do anything?
‘You could call Ryuusei.’
Something deep in his mind whispers. And it makes him tighten. The sobs begin to die down turning into pathetic little hiccups as he pulls his phone out to stare at the number that he couldn’t ever bring himself to delete. His thumb hovered over the call button, but would he come if Reo called? What if Ryuusei had found someone else? What if he didn’t love him anymore? Then it would all be futile and Reo would look like a desperate idiot (he was, but that wasn’t the point). Except just the thought of hearing Ryuusei’s voice sent chills down his spine, the thought of Ryuusei coming back made his numb heart beat. So he pressed the button and brought the phone to his ear as he bit his lips nervously still on the floor too tired to get up.
It rang once.
It rang twice.
And then he heard it.
“What do you want, purple bun?”
That’s all it took to have Reo sobbing once again. He couldn’t help it, the sound of Ryuusei’s voice was like a light at the end of a dark tunnel. It invaded all his senses and took over him, replacing the crushing sadness with a bittersweet sense of hope. A hope that maybe, maybe they still truly had a chance. This time, the tears that flooded his cheeks were tears of relief. Ryuusei wasn’t truly gone, Ryuusei still picked up the phone. Ryuusei still called him ‘purple bun’ and it made Reo’s heart burn in the best of ways.
“Hey, are you okay? Why are you crying? Reo what’s wrong?”
The concern in the other’s voice was evident. Ryuusei only ever called Reo by his name when he was worried or angry, and he’s pretty sure Ryuusei wasn’t angry right now. To think that even after all Reo put Ryuusei through he would still worry, still pick up the phone, still care for him, Reo honestly couldn’t believe it. He thought soon enough he would wake up from a dream and be all alone again, but he deserves that. He doesn’t deserve Ryuusei, someone so beautiful that only his smile could change the world (Ryuusei barely ever smiled, only ever grinned in a cat-like manner with mischievous eyes, but Reo’s seen his true smile and he thinks nothing is more beautiful than that). Reo almost wanted to tell the other to hang up. He wanted to tell the other he wasn’t worth it, because he wasn’t. Reo didn’t truly know anything. He doesn’t even know if being with Ryuusei was truly something he wanted or if he was just lonely and sad and sick of feeling that way to the point he would take any form of affection from anyone and he knew Ryuusei would give it. But Reo was also selfish, so what if he didn’t know? Most people don’t and he shouldn’t have to be the exception. So he would be a little selfish, he would cave into his own spur of the moment want and he would ask the question that has weighed in his mind ever since Ryuusei left.
In a quiet, broken voice, Reo whispers, “I miss you. I miss you so much I can feel it ache in my bones. Please, I’m begging you, won’t you come home?” There is a deafening silence from the other side of the phone. Reo almost thinks Ryuusei is going to say no. It eats at his heart and his soul is storming. He just wants Ryuusei back, he wants his home to come back to him.
Outside the moon wanes, the small glimpse of light pours through Reo’s windows and a new moon cycle is beginning once again.
“I’ll be there on the first flight tomorrow morning. Don’t wait up. Get some rest, okay angel?”
Reo feels all the tension fall from his body. He said yes, Ryuusei was coming home. To Reo it almost felt like a miracle, he knew he didn’t deserve this, but he wouldn’t waste his chance. This time, this time they would get it right, this time Reo would fight for Ryuusei. He was never going to watch him walk out like he did that day.
All the purple haired boy can manage to push out is a meek ‘okay’ before Ryuusei hangs up the phone. The exhaustion was really hitting now after coming down from such an emotional high. He needed to sleep and he needed a lot of it, especially if he was to finish all his work in time to pick Ryuusei up from the airport tomorrow. So he let the phone fall from his grasp and somehow maneuvered himself to his bed, and once his head hit the pillow, he was out like a light.
Before Reo knew it, it was the next day. He was busting his ass off to finish all his work early. He couldn’t have any reason to be yelled at or asked to do more, he needed to get off early. He needed to see Ryuusei. Just thinking about seeing the other boy after so long made Reo’s cheeks blush a pretty pink. Today was the day he would get the love of his life back and nothing, not work, not his father, and not even himself would stop that from happening.
So he worked and he worked hard. He got everything he needed to get done in enough time and he left before anyone had the chance to say anything and it felt freeing. For the first time since he started college, Reo felt truly free. It was a feeling Reo hadn’t felt since high school, a feeling he only ever got with Ryuusei. Maybe this was a sign that calling Ryuusei was the right move, that the stars have finally aligned in their favor and they can be together, forever, like they always talked about. It brought a smile to the purple headed boy’s face. He was giddy with excitement. So maybe he drove a little faster, pressed on the gas a little harder, all to get home that much quicker (the ‘home’ in question was not his empty apartment, but the boy who waited within it).
When Reo finally reached his apartment, he scrambled up his stairs. He was in a rush to get inside and get ready to pick Ryuusei up from the airport. His heart was racing at the thought of seeing the other boy again. Reo thought he was ready, ready to face his demons and see Ryuusei again, to find him and never let him go again (he was wrong, but that’s a story for another time). But what he was not expecting was to open the door to see his once cold and empty apartment filled by someone else. Not just someone else.
The figure turned to him and Reo felt his racing heart stop.
“Hey purple bun.”
Reo felt his feet begin to move and in an instant he was wrapped up in familiar arms.
“You're home.” “I’m home.”
Words could not describe how Reo felt having Ryuusei back. It was a euphoria he never expected. Just hearing the other’s voice made his heart swell, seeing his smile warmed him to his core, kissing him was like experiencing heaven on Earth. Reo wanted to hold onto this feeling forever, he wanted to hold onto Ryuusei forever because who else would ever make him feel like this? Who else but the white haired beauty who sat at his side and spoke words of love into his skin. Ryuusei was a person you come across once in a lifetime and Reo would be a fool to let him go again (so he thought at least). Reo only hoped that Ryuusei felt the same, that this was their fresh start. So Reo, who was still high off the emotions he felt when he first saw Ryuusei standing in his apartment, dared to ask a question he had held back many times.
“Ryu, do you… do you still love me?”
Reo felt Ryuusei tense and for a second expected a ‘no’ to fall from the other’s lips. Except that didn’t happen. Instead, Ryuusei took Reo’s face in his hands and kissed him. He kissed him hard, pouring all the words he couldn’t say into this one kiss. Ryuusei kissed Reo like it would be the last thing he would ever do. It left Reo breathless when he pulled away. Static crackled in the air as their eyes met and a soft smile played on the lips of Ryuusei.
“I love you. I’d still love you even if your hands were around my neck. I don’t think I’ll ever stop loving you, Reo. You can question a lot of things about me, but you don’t ever have to question if I love you, the answer will always be yes.”
In this moment, Reo and Ryuusei both firmly believed they would be able to find forever together. Except forever is a long time, longer than they both could have understood. They looked at each other through rose colored glasses and believed in each other without any thought. They were two fools in love. But fools in love are still fools. And that night the stars watched as a cycle of breaking up and making up began in a small apartment in the middle of California.
The sun was just starting to set when Ryuusei landed at the airport. A clear blue sky melted into a brilliant array of oranges and reds. It was almost like the sky had been set on fire and Ryuusei could not help but admire it. It was truly a sight to see, and if given the chance he would love to paint it. He could already visualize the paints he could use to truly capture the scene he saw, but Ryuusei wasn’t here to paint.
Ryuusei was here to see Reo.
Last time he came to see the other was last month, and it went as it usually did. They started off strong with heightened emotions and hearts in their eyes, until it devolved into snide remarks and yelling (lots and lots of yelling). Ryuusei didn’t expect to come back for a while, so to be called in what seemed like a hurry for Reo was odd to him. Everything about this felt odd, Reo never called after such little time, he also never sounded as stable as he sounded that night on the phone. In the pit of Ryuusei’s stomach he could feel it, something was wrong . But he pushed it away, he ignored it. He didn’t want to think that way, he wanted to think what he thought every time he landed back in the sunny state of California to see Reo, that this was the beginning of a good thing. That after many trials and tests, he and Reo would finally be able to get the happy ending they deserved. Call him idealistic, but truly that was all he wanted. Ryuusei wanted a happy ending and he was sure Reo did too.
So he pushed all the negative thoughts away, there was no need for them. After all, he would be seeing Reo again. That was a good thing, he should be happy. And he is, truly. Reo could always effortlessly make Ryuusei happy. It was an ability only he had; he broke down Ryuusei’s walls and made a home within his heart that no one could ever fill. And while that was all good and beautiful and Ryuusei wouldn’t trade it for anything, Reo also filled him with unbridled anger. A rage that seemed to resemble a fire. Ryuusei tried to keep it at bay, really he did. But seeing Reo, beautiful, intelligent, talented Reo destroy himself for others consumed Ryuusei in fury. All Ryuusei wanted was to see Reo thrive, he wanted to see the other boy smile without fear of being judged. He wanted Reo to act how he acted with him in front of everyone. He just wanted Reo to choose himself instead of choosing others. Yet Ryuusei wasn’t the best at expressing himself, especially when angry, and watching Reo consistently destroy himself for the sake of others (especially those who didn’t care or appreciate what he was doing for them) made him seethe. So when Ryuusei tried to express his concern, it came off as an attack and Reo didn’t do well when backed into a corner. So they would fight. It wasn’t the only reason they fought, but it was one of the major reasons. So yes, Reo made him happy, but the human brain has a funny way of making negative emotions grander than good ones. So in the end, anger always seemed to triumph against happiness, no matter how hard Ryuusei tried to stop it.
Hopefully though, this time there would be nothing to be angry about, or if there was, Ryuusei would be able to control himself and not act out. He was working on that back at his own place, trying to improve himself so the next time he saw Reo it would be longer, it would last forever. Maybe that was too wishful of him to think, though.
At this point, Ryuusei just tried to clear his head. There was no point in overthinking now, he cannot change what was done, he can only change what hasn’t happened yet He instead tried to focus on the sky, how the colors seemed to melt into each other as he watched them from the window of the cab he was in. Absentmindedly Ryuusei thought that the sky, while already beautiful beyond comparison, would look even better if there was purple mixed with it.
It didn’t take long for Ryuusei to reach Reo’s apartment. It was still the same apartment the two of them shared not too long ago. Ryuusei had so many memories here, some good, some bad, all burned into the depths of his brain like all his memories with Reo were. It was a place that once was filled with so much hope, hope for a future that now seemed out of reach. Ryuusei felt his heart tighten at the thought of the past, how happy they had been when they first bought the place. At that time, it felt like they were on top of the world, like their love could get them through anything. Ryuusei still believed, he still believed his love for Reo could pull them out of this mess. Ryuusei still believed in a future where he and Reo could be together and be happy. That’s why he kept chasing, that’s why he kept coming back. As long as he still held onto that belief, as long as there was still a sliver of hope left in his heart, Ryuusei would chase Reo.
With quick steps (quicker than Ryuusei would like to admit), he walked up the stairs to the apartment he and Reo once shared. It was a small place but perfect to them. It was perfect because they were together, at least, that’s how Ryuusei saw it. Soon enough he found himself right in front of the door. With one knock, Ryuusei would be able to see Reo again. His heart was beating rapidly like it usually did when Reo was involved. But Ryuusei was never one to dwell on nerves; no matter how bad they got, he always pushed through. Right now would be no exception, so with a firm fist he knocked twice on the wooden door awaiting a response from the boy he loved who waited just on the other side.
Except no answer came. That worried feeling began to grow in Ryuusei’s stomach after Reo didn’t answer the door after five minutes. As time ticked by it grew worse and he wanted so badly to just burst in to make sure everything was okay. But he didn’t want to anger Reo, the last thing he wanted was for this visit to start off on the wrong foot. So he knocked one more time, this time harder with more added force. Yet once again there was no answer. So Ryuusei said ‘fuck it’ and tried opening the door. But to his surprise, the door was unlocked. His sinking fear crept back up, what if something bad had happened to Reo? Without any thought, Ryuusei pushes into the apartment and is met with an eerie quietness.
“Reo?” Ryuusei calls out into the space, his voice seemed to echo off the lonely walls. There is no answer, so Ryuusei pushes on further into the house. Every part of him is on edge. The thought of Reo being hurt fills Ryuusei with agony. The idea that the person he loved the most in this world could have been hurt when he wasn’t there is terrifying in every way. All Ryuusei has ever wanted is to see Reo in a pure state of happiness. He wants to be the reason for that happiness. He hates seeing Reo in pain, even if he caused it sometimes. Every time Reo cries, Ryuusei crumbles. Reo was… Reo was everything to Ryuusei. He’s the reason Ryuusei smiles when he sees the moon, he’s the reason he loves the color purple, he’s the first thing Ryuusei thinks of when he wakes up and the last thing he thinks of when he goes to bed. It didn’t matter how often they fought, it didn’t matter because kissing Reo was like flying and Reo’s love was all Ryuusei could ever want. The idea of losing that, he couldn’t even imagine it. He wouldn’t imagine it. Ryuusei just kept walking farther into the apartment, trying to ignore the bad feeling in the pit of his stomach.
Relief washed over Ryuusei when he reached the living room, because there on the couch, curled under a blanket with only the top of his head peeking out, was Reo Mikage. It was an instant destressor. Once Ryuusei saw him, sleeping soundly and safe, he relaxed. Honestly he was being ridiculous before, but he just blames it on the plane ride making him anxious. Quietly as to not wake the sleeping Reo, Ryuusei sat next to the couch on the floor right next where Reo was sleeping. Very carefully he pulled back the blanket just enough so he could see the other’s face. An instant smile spread on his face at the sight of Reo’s serene sleeping state. He looked so peaceful like this and it was nice. Ryuusei missed waking up to Reo every morning, missed being able to wake him up with kisses or tickles or breakfast in bed (sure Ryuusei was an asshole, but he was a romantic asshole). In fact, Ryuusei just always missed Reo when they were apart. Being apart always left Ryuusei feeling bitter but he didn’t have to worry about that now. Now, he and Reo were together again and he would make it forever this time. No stupid fights, no yelling, no fighting. That’s what Ryuusei wanted, he just hoped Reo felt the same. Pushing all his worry down, Ryuusei reached a steady hand out to brush Reo’s hair out of his face. He let his hand rest lightly on the other boy’s cheek and leaned in closely and whispered, “Wake up angel, any more beauty rest and you’ll outshine Aphrodite herself.” It was a cheesy line, but it seemed to work as the purple haired boy sleeping on the couch seemed to stir. Ryuusei felt Reo’s face push up almost as if chasing after his touch, it made his heart skip a beat. After a couple seconds his eyes seemed to slowly open and in a groggy voice Reo called out his name, “Ryuusei?”
Ryuusei could feel his smile grow even if he tried to hold it back and nodded, “I’m home darling.” Reo was sitting up now, Ryuusei’s hand back at his side as he sat looking up at the other. Reo rubbed his eyes as if he couldn’t believe the other was actually there. Honestly it was quite amusing to Ryuusei who opened his mouth to make a snarky remark but was cut off by Reo who launched himself into Ryuusei's arms. Ryuusei fell back with a huff, arms full of the other boy. Reo, on the other hand, had trapped Ryuusei in a death grip and buried his face into the other’s neck. Ryuusei could only chuckle as he let his hands wind around the other’s waist, holding him close.
“You’re home.” Reo whispered into the other’s neck and Ryuusei felt his heart soar. His grip on the other tightening and he smiled ever so softly.
“Yeah. I’m home.”
Ryuusei doesn’t know how long they stayed like that. All he knows is that for the first couple hours of his return he spent the cuddled up, arms full of the boy he loved as they talked about everything, nothing, and all the things in between. Ryuusei got to see Reo laugh and smile again, he missed it so much. He missed this so much . Really, he just missed Reo. No matter how bad of a fight they leave off of, no matter how little time apart they spend, Ryuusei still misses him immensely. So to have him back made him feel like he was in a state of pure bliss. Reo seemed to feel the same. In fact, Reo seemed even happier today for some reason. He was much more cuddly with Ryuusei, constantly finding reasons to lean in and steal kisses, he kept running his hands through Ryuusei’s hair, and he seemed to smile at him even when Ryuusei wasn’t looking. It was as if he couldn’t get enough of the other and Ryuusei loved it. It felt like the beginning of their relationship which was also the time the two of them were happiest. This had to be a sign, a sign that they had finally made it, that this time would be the last time.
However, he couldn’t shake this feeling, it sat at the bottom of his stomach and plagued the depths of his heart. It was a feeling that, no matter how hard Ryuusei tried to shake, he couldn’t get rid of. It was a feeling he couldn’t, well, didn’t want to give a name. It was a feeling that told him something bad was going to happen. But how could that be true when Reo looked at him with those eyes that shine like stars? How could something go wrong when he had Reo’s hand in his own? How could something go wrong when Ryuusei loved Reo so much? So he did his best to ignore it. Instead, he accepted Reo’s offer to get out of the apartment, standing up to his full height and staring down at the other.
“Are you asking me on a date, my little purple bun?” Ryuusei teased, his signature smirk now adorned his face. He watched as the other affectionately rolled his eyes, Ryuusei always thought Reo looked cute when he did that.
“As a matter of fact, I am.” Reo said, stepping closer to Ryuusei, “And you,” he put his finger into Ryuusei’s chest and matched the other’s smirk, “are not allowed to say no.” Reo’s assertiveness almost shocked Ryuusei. He hasn’t seen this side of Reo in a long time. When they were young, Reo would always challenge Ryuusei. He never let him get away with his snide remarks and stupid games. It’s what drew him to Reo in the first place. But as they got older, Reo seemed to stop fighting back, Ryuusei had a feeling it was because of his father, or maybe Reo just got sick of indulging him. But Ryuusei doesn’t like thinking it’s because of the latter. Either way, seeing this side of Reo again was refreshing and it furthered Ryuusei’s belief that this was the beginning of their new start.
“I’d never say no to you.” Ryuusei replied, the teasing tone was still there, but softer. His smirk seemed to devolve into a soft smile, and Reo couldn't help but match it with his own. In the end the two parted ways to get ready for their date. It didn’t really take Ryuusei any time to get ready, but Reo was a different story. He took a lot of time to get ready, which Ryuusei found odd, seeing as the other usually never cared that much about what he looked like when he was with Ryuusei. That feeling began to bubble up again but Ryuusei just continued to ignore it, brushing it off as overthinking.
Once they were both ready, they headed out to Reo’s car, their hands intertwined as they reached the streets. It was colder than Ryuusei expected for a California night. The sun had almost fully set at this point; stars were beginning to peek out around the sky. Ryuusei admired the sky for a second before letting his eyes fall onto Reo, he looked stunning in the evening glow. He almost always seemed to take Ryuusei’s breath away. It was a power only he had, no one else could affect Ryuusei the way Reo did. Even if it was cold, Reo managed to warm his heart right up and that was enough.
“So my prince, where are you taking me on this fine fall evening?” he asks as his steps fall into pace with Reo’s. The other boy lets out a laugh, presumably at Ryuusei’s nickname for him.
“You really are a dork, you know that?” The fondness in Reo’s words betray his statement. It only spurs Ryuusei on more. His grin widens and he leans down a bit so he’s level with Reo.
“But I’m your dork right?” he responds, and he expects it to fluster the other. It usually does when he says something like that. But instead, Reo only pauses. He turns his head to meet Ryuusei’s playful glance with a look that Ryuusei can’t quite name. But it hits him and once again, and he feels that bubbling feeling rise up again. Reo’s hand comes up to stroke the white haired boy’s cheek and he smiles ever so softly.
“Yeah… my dork.” It should sound playful, it should sound like a tease, but to Ryuusei it almost seemed sad. Not a crushing sadness or a heartbreaking one, just a soft sadness, like the one you get when you watch the last episode of your favorite show and realize you must say goodbye to all the characters you love. It was a sadness Ryuusei knew all too well, a sadness that Ryuusei hated. But almost as fast as the wind switches speeds does Reo switch his own attitude. He lightly taps Ryuusei’s cheek only to then lean up and kiss the same spot.
“No more questions, I want it to be a surprise.” he says, once again moving forward and pulling Ryuusei with him. Ryuusei doesn’t want to stop his questions, though. He wants to ask what that just was, what that might have meant. His heart was storming, begging him to get away. But Ryuusei just followed along, he wouldn’t give up this time with Reo. Not when he just got him back and things seemed to be getting good again. He pushed it all away again, he let Reo lead the way, and did as he was told. He didn’t ask anymore questions.
They reached the car not soon after. The car ride would be almost long, according to Reo. Which made Ryuusei laugh, Reo always had a funny way of explaining things, but Ryuusei let him get away with it tonight. Instead he turned the radio on to a station they both loved and watched Reo sing his heart out to every song. The night sky continued to darken as they drove, but Ryuusei was too occupied by the pretty boy driving in the seat next to him to notice. He only noticed when they finally stopped, because it was a place he recognized immediately. It was the place Ryuusei had shown Reo the first day they had met and snuck out of school together. The place they shared their first kiss, the place they would frequently go to stargazing, it was their place .
Ryuusei is left speechless. This place, this place meant so much to him, to both of them, to their relationship. In his head, Reo bringing him here meant one thing. He craved the same thing Ryuusei did. He also wanted a fresh start, he wanted their relationship to work. Why else would they come to the spot where they first began to fall in love? Ryuusei so badly wanted to believe it was because Reo wanted the same thing he wanted. By the time he snapped out of his own thoughts he saw that Reo had walked to the tree, the tree they always sat under on a blanket Ryuusei would pack. The tree that Ryuusei had carved their names into on their first anniversary. In his own excitement, with the thought that this was something good, something new, Ryuusei chased after Reo. He ran until he reached the side of the other boy, the boy who had stolen his heart all those years ago. The boy who he adored with everything he had.
The boy he wanted to spend forever with. The boy he was absolutely, utterly, and foolishly in love with. In this moment, Shidou Ryuusei realized once again that Reo Mikage was his earth, his sun, his stars, and his moon. And for the first time, in a long time, he felt like Reo actually felt the same.
“If I’m allowed to ask questions again, why’d you bring me here, Reo?” Ryuusei lets his question hang in the air. He usually wouldn’t use Reo’s name; he much preferred cheesy nicknames to show his affection. But this was a serious situation, this would determine their future together. Ryuusei was almost certain it would be a good answer, it would confirm what he already believed. And as he watched Reo, who stared straight ahead looking out at the city skyline as the wind blew threw his hair, Ryuusei wondered how he would break the news to Kunigami he had been wrong all along.
“You know Ryu, this was where our relationship first started,” Reo starts, that soft smile gracing his face once more as he thumbed over the indents of two names carved into the tree with a heart around them, “and it’s also where I intend to end it.”
Ryuusei feels his heart shatter.
“W-what did you just say?” He doesn’t want to believe, no, he won’t believe it. After all they’ve been through, all they’ve overcome, it couldn’t end, not like this .
“You gave me the greatest love a person could experience Ryu and I’ll always be grateful for everything you’ve done for me. But we can’t keep doing this. I’m tired. Tired of the fighting, tired of the constant back and forth. I’m tired of constantly waiting for this all to blow over so that we can be happy again, even though you and I both know that won’t happen. I just can’t keep doing this Ryu. I really can’t. At one point, I thought this would all be worth it. But the longer it goes on, the worse I feel. But please understand this doesn’t mean I want you out of my life, you’re so special to me and I know it’s selfish of me to ask you of this but please, can’t we just end things on good terms?” Reo’s looking at him now, their eyes are locked.
And all of a sudden, Ryuusei feels it again, that feeling he kept pushing back. But this time, he lets it spread, he lets it infect him, and he feels himself get angry.
“Are you fucking kidding me Reo? Do you even hear what you’re saying? If you were so tired, why did you keep begging me to come back? And what, did you think I came back every time for no reason? You don’t get to tell me how I feel in all of this. I believe… believed wholeheartedly we could fix this. I didn’t like fighting either, I hated it. I hate it when you cried, I hated that I was the one doing that to you. But it’s frustrating when all I ever do is try to help you and every time you take it as a personal attack. I didn’t like fighting with you and I only ever left because I thought that’s what you wanted.” With each passing second his voice is getting louder, tears now prick the corner of his eyes as he keeps going. “Yeah damn right it’s fucking selfish! You can't break up with me and yet still ask me to stay. That’s not how this works. You either want me or you don’t Reo, which is it? Because if you asked me to stay I would. I would do anything for you if you just asked, don’t you get it? I love you, I love you so much it hurts me. And I thought…” Ryuusei can’t get the last words out, his tears now running down his face.
That’s when it hits him. It hits him hard, it crashes down on him and it shatters any semblance of hope he once had. He replays the last couple visits over and over in his head and it dawns on him. He feels his fists clench at his side and his eyes close. He takes a shaky breath before opening his eyes again to look at Reo. Even now, in the midst of all this chaos, Ryuusei can’t help but think he is the most beautiful person he has ever seen.
“Reo do you… do you still love me?”
The question, while quiet, taken away by the wind, makes Reo shiver. Reo knew this was coming, deep down, he expected it. But the answer didn’t hurt any less.
“No. I don’t think I do anymore.”
Ryuusei can’t breath. He can’t think. All he can do is realize everything he ever wished not to happen has come through right before his very eyes. The future he once built for him and Reo was slowly crumbling and he realizes that maybe it always had been. Maybe the forever he had built up inside his head truly was just an illusion, and that while no matter how badly he wanted it, he and Reo were not destined to be written in the stars but instead simply meant to burn like a forest fire and go out not with a bang but a quiet sizzle.
“How long?” he asks and Reo tilts his head.
“What do you mean?” Reo responds, confused.
“How long have you known you didn’t love me?”
Reo feels his own heart tighten at that. He hated seeing Ryuusei like this. His strong, lovely Ryuusei broken down. Reo wished it didn’t have to be like this, that he could take the other in his arms and kiss away his pain like he wouldn’t be lying. Reo wished he still loved Ryuusei.
“For a while. Ryu, I’m sorry-”
Ryuusei laughs.
“No you’re not.” He says, this time a bitter smile forms on his lips and he stares directly into Reo. “If you were sorry you would have ended it when you found out. But you didn’t and you know why? It’s because you're selfish. Because you knew that if you called, I’d come running. And that's just pathetic on my part honestly. I should have never let you string me along like this, I’d be shocked if you ever really loved me at all or if I was just a convenient thing for you to play with all this time.”
Reo couldn’t believe his ears. Now he was angry, seething in fact. He takes a step forward and jabs a finger right into Ryuusei’s chest.
“You can accuse me of a lot of things Ryuusei. I don’t care if you think I’m a bad person or selfish or an asshole. But never doubt my feelings for you. I loved you Ryuusei. A part of my heart will always be yours. And that is as true as anything can be.”
A silence hangs in the air as the two just stare at each other. It’s a heavy silence. Not even the sharpest knife could cut it. It’s the type of silence that only two fated souls could find themselves caught in. At one point Ryuusei thought the fate he had with Reo would be a glorious one, a love story for the ages. But now, he was sure that was just a silly little dream he made up while blinded by the rose tinted glasses that seemed to cover his eyes since the day he met Reo.
“And I don’t believe you.”
Ryuusei steps away from the other. He uses the back of his hand to wipe the stray tears off his eyes and steps towards the tree that used to symbolize the love he held for the boy he wasn’t sure he knew anymore. Out of his pocket he pulls out his own keys and Reo watches in horror as Ryuusei digs them into the tree, the same spot their names were carved into. In just a few seconds, the once legible words are crossed out and with it goes Ryuusei and Reo’s relationship.
With slow steps, Ryuusei begins to walk away. His back turned away from Reo and the purple boy felt his whole body fill with panic. He knows what this means and he can’t let it happen. He may not love Ryuusei any more but he refuses to let the other just walk out of his life this easily.
“Where are you going? You can't just leave? Let me just drive you to a hotel or something? Ryuusei? Don’t ignore me!” But Ryuusei isn’t stopping and Reo feels like the world is crashing down.
“You can’t do this. You can’t just walk away from all this, from me. Ryuusei please, I’m begging you. Don’t leave like this please. After everything we’ve been through and you’re just going to walk away? Do you even… did you even love me?” It’s a cheap shot, Reo knows it. But at this point he is desperate. This time there are tears in his eyes, they threaten to spill at any moment but When Ryuusei stops in his tracks he thinks he may have a chance. A chance to keep him in his life.
“That’s low, even for you Reo.” Ryuusei says, finally turning around. His eyes are dark and his demeanor is cold. He is almost a shell of the Ryuusei from his apartment. It cracks Reo’s heart, knocking him speechless as he watches Ryuusei for his next move.
“You don’t get to question me because you're mad. After all, this is what you wanted right? You wanted me gone, you wanted this to end. So I’m walking away! I’m doing what you asked because that’s what I’ve always done! Everything I have ever done was for you! You are all I have ever wanted and you are all I am ever going to want but if I’m not that for you then what's the point Reo? Why should I stay when I’m not wanted?”
“That’s not it! I still want you!”
“Yeah, when I’m convenient. You don’t want me, you just want to be loved.”
It hurts. It hurts so bad Reo thinks this is what dying must feel like. But he does let up. And they both start screaming. It’s so loud that the birds in the trees end up flying off, it’s so heated that they both start sweating, and it goes on and on until they are both chest to chest, tears mingling.
“This was what I was talking about! I hate fighting with you so please can’t we just-”
Reo is cut off by Ryuusei’s lips meeting his own. It’s heated and it’s passionate and it’s filled with all the unsaid words neither have been able to say. Ryuusei pours all his love into this kiss. It's as if he is begging Reo to fall back in love. It’s as if he believes that with this kiss he can magically make it all better. Sure it’s unrealistic but it’s all he really has left. And Reo, well Reo has never really been good at saying no to Ryuusei. So this kiss under an empty night sky for how long only the stars know. Ryuusei feels hope begin to spark again in his heart like the fool he is until it’s snuffed out by Reo finally coming to his senses. He pushes the other off him in a hurry, trying not to get sucked back into Ryuusei’s orbit.
“If you ask me to stay right now, if you told me you wanted to try and make this work, I would.”
The words hit Reo with full force. He mets eyes with the white haired boy who once encapsulated his whole world. He can see the desperation in his eyes, he can feel just how badly he wants Reo to say yes. And Reo, he so badly wants to give him what he wants. He knows Ryuusei doesn’t give out second chances, and if he lets him go now he probably won’t ever see him again. But Reo can hear Nagi’s words echoing in his head and he can feel the ghost of his father grip hold him down.
“I’m sorry, Ryu.” He whispers into the night air.
Ryuusei lets go of the shuddered breath he was holding back. So that was it, Reo had made his decision. His decision was to let go, to walk away from Ryuusei and with him take Ryuusei’s heart.
“Goodbye, my lovely purple bun.”
Reo watches Ryuusei’s back disappear into the night air. There is an absence of light thanks to the new moon that hung high in the sky. How ironic that the one thing Ryuusei and Reo shared was gone on this lonely night. Before he knows it, Reo is breaking down into sobs, he lets the darkness overtake him and wishes more than anything to have the light of the moon wash over him.
Not too far away, Ryuusei searches for a moon that doesn’t exist in a sky of stars that have probably already died. Tears keep flowing down his face no matter how hard he tries to stop them and he begs the world to rid him of the burden that is loving Reo Mikage.
No moon shines that night no matter how badly two souls ask for it back.
Shidou Ryuusei finds himself painting on the balcony of his shared apartment once again. His palette holds every color except for one as he tries to image the scene in his head he wants to convey. There is a dull throb in his heart that he has tried so hard for two years to get rid of. But after some time, he just got used to the feeling of holding on.
He expects another long night of no sleep as he dips his brush in the first color, a striking yellow, when he feels his phone buzz. He thinks it’s Kunigami once again, updating him on his adventure to find the love of his life or whatever bullshit he went on about that night he packed up his things and left in a hurry. He doesn’t think much as he puts his brush down to pull the phone out of his pocket.
He expects a picture of some historical landmark he doesn’t give a shit about, but is instead met with a phone number that is forever seared into the depths of his mind and heart. A phone number he has desperately tried to block and forget. A phone number that, despite all his opposition, still makes his heart race like the first time.
The phone number of Reo Mikage.
I’ve tried so hard to forget you. But you have stolen a piece of me that I can’t get back. And I miss you every day.
It’s selfish to ask, I know but I don’t care, not anymore. So won’t you come home?
He should delete it. He should delete it and never look back because Shidou Ryuusei is a strong motherfucker who doesn’t give second chances. But Reo Mikage is Reo Mikage, the beautiful boy with striking purple eyes and luscious purple hair who laughs like a fairy and has always been able to understand Ryuusei when he couldn’t even do that himself. Even after all this time, Reo Mikage has Shidou Ryuusei caught up in his web and still he can’t even be mad about it because he still loves him.
I’ll be there soon, wait for me.
Ryuusei quickly makes his way to pack his things so he can get on the road as fast as possible. He can probably catch the next flight if he gets to the airport fast enough, considering how late at night it is. He hates to admit it, but he feels like he’s been waiting for this text ever since he left that day oh so long ago.
Outside, high in the sky, the moon is waning crescent. The first phase of the moon cycle has begun. And so it repeats, again, and again, and again.