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Sometimes it feels like even goddesses don’t think some things through all the way.
Haven’t they ever heard the proverb that raising teenagers is like nailing chu jelly to a tree? I understand that Ganondorf poses a clear and present threat to the kingdom of Hyrule, and in the interest of time, it has to fall onto the shoulders of a teenager to save us all. But the whole... making the kid sleep for seven years until he’s old enough to wield the Master Sword... thing. Wouldn’t it have taken the same amount of time to let the poor kid have those years to mature?
It’s bad enough that we had to have a seventeen-year-old boy with the weight of destiny on his shoulders, crushing any last scrap of childhood that he had left. It would have been worse if all we had was him at ten, with the same destiny, without the physical strength to fight that he has now. But if one thinks about it, what we have now is even worse.
Chronological age? Seventeen.
Physical form, strength, and ability to wield a sword? Also seventeen.
Mental state? Amount of life experience? Judgment skills? Decision making? Still ten.
Hormones? ...Seventeen.
I thought that if we pressed the urgency of the situation onto him from the moment he awoke, he would be too busy focusing on the right things to get too sidetracked. After all, he’d been diligent up until this point. He’s a good hearted kid, always focused on how he can help people. Even if it’s something small like catching a lost chicken or helping someone squish a skulltula, he doesn’t say no.
That’s the problem. He doesn’t say no.
So, as I watched over him from the Chamber of the Sages, I couldn’t help but feel... extremely dismayed, to say the least... to see what kinds of things were going on behind hay bales in the barn at Lon Lon Ranch. I found myself thanking the goddesses that Ingo entered the barn when he did, causing my charge to have to scramble out a window to avoid trouble. If things had gone any further...
It occurred to me then that I probably should have had “the talk” with the kid already, since obviously no one else was about to. So I decided. The next time he showed up in the Chamber of Sages with a medallion, I’d have to tug him aside and say something. Even if it wasn’t clear exactly what.
“Good job, Link. You’re a very smart kid, and you’re gaining power even as we speak. Soon, Ganondorf won’t be able to stand a chance against you. But, I... I have to ask you something.”
“Hm?” His half hearted, empty grin at my praise seemed to confirm what I’d suspected since this all began: the burden of all this was getting to him.
“Have you noticed... any... odd feelings in yourself... since you awoke as an adult?”
“Uh, no?” But he seemed to be suddenly very interested in picking at a rip on his gauntlet.
“Are you sure?”
I glanced around for Navi, hoping for backup, but it seemed like she’d intentionally flitted away to go talk to Saria. Which was probably a good thing. Keeping the perpetually innocent child away from... hearing these things, especially in regards to her childhood friend.
“Is this about the stuff at the ranch?” he asked, finally.
“Yes, but I’m not angry,” I clarified quickly. “Where was Navi during all that?”
“She was hanging out with the cows. She said I deserved my privacy.”
I frowned. “I’ll have to speak to her, regarding that. You see...” How to put this? “I know you’ve lost seven years of your life. Your entire adolescence. The time every kid starts... feeling those things, and coming to terms with them, and learning to... control the urges. I know you didn’t get that time. But you have to understand. There’s... no time for that now. You can explore those things freely when Ganondorf is defeated.” Here was to hoping this poor kid would still be alive and also not completely traumatized then. “But not now.”
He nodded. “I got it. I mean. Sort of. I know what I have to be focusing on, and I’ll make sure to, um, focus better now, if you think I need to. But, I mean. What’s the worst thing that could’ve happened?”
“Um... well, you see...”
“Yeah?”
“...Are you aware of where babies come from?”
“Trees?” His response was all too quick.
“Kokiri, yes. But Hylian children, not so much. And you do remember what the Deku Sprout told you, yes?”
“I was never a Kokiri,” he said, solemnly. And I could see the sorrow bubbling beneath the surface. I couldn’t blame him. To find out the entirety of his childhood was a lie... but still.
“Yes, so...?”
“So?”
He wasn’t getting it, not without it being spelled out for him. So I... stood there in silence. Long, awkward silence. Very long. Very awkward. Silence. Finally I gathered my nerves to speak.
“You didn’t want Ingo to find out what you were doing with Malon, correct? You know it would have sent him into a violent rage. Who knows what he would’ve done to Malon, and what you would’ve had to do to him in order to protect her.”
“He didn’t catch me though?”
I inhaled deeply.
“Link. Listen. What you were about to do with Malon. Is. What. Makes. Babies.”
“...Shiiit—mmf. Sorry for swearing. But, um. Yeah, didn’t know that...”
“It’s all right. I think you’ve earned the right to swear,” I said. “But think about it. How much trouble she would’ve gotten in if she ended up pregnant. That’s it. It’s not like I’m angry you were wasting time, or being immoral, or anything like that. Just. Don’t get anyone pregnant. Please.”
“I won’t.” He nodded. “I can definitely hold off on that kinda thing until I defeat Ganondorf.”
“Good. You’re a good kid.”
And for awhile there were no more issues.
Until the Spirit Medallion.
“Nabooru, do I really have to have this talk with one of my fellow Sages? I had to discuss it with Link, but that was because he didn’t know any better.”
“What?” she said, as brazenly as ever. “When he was a cute little kid, I told him to do something for me to help get at Ganondorf. I promised him I’d give him something good. And then he comes around all grown up and saves my life. It’s the least I could offer, to make good on my promise.”
“There’s... a lot to unpack there,” I said. “I mean, if you can say that the object of your desires was so cute when they were ten, they shouldn’t be the object of your desires. And on top of that, you’re a Sage. It’s our duty to ascend to the Sacred Realm in order to protect Hyrule. We can’t count on being able to just linger around and build relationships with those outside the Sacred Realm.”
“Yes,” Princess Ruto said, butting in. “That’s why I, his FIANCÉE, realized that I couldn’t follow through and marry him, even if I really, really wanted to.”
“I know, I know," Nabooru said. "But just one little treat right before I awakened as a Sage wouldn’t have hurt?”
“If any Sage is going to give him, and I quote, one little treat, shouldn’t it be the one he was ENGAGED to?”
“I mean, you could’ve offered,” Nabooru said, shrugging. “But you didn’t. I did.”
“He deserves better than Ganondorf’s sloppy seconds.”
“I was brainwashed! I would never have done it with Ganondorf of my own volition.”
I glanced over at the poor kid. He was really, really, really interested in that rip in his gauntlet again. Navi was talking to Saria again, too, thank the goddesses. And Impa had come over from her conversation with Darunia, to... mediate? The conflict between Nabooru and Ruto.
“Please. Don’t argue over the poor kid like he’s a piece of meat for you.”
“You’re just trying to save him for Zelda, whenever she gets back from... wherever you hid her.” Ruto was relentless about this.
Impa cleared her throat. “No, quite the opposite. I’m considering his own wants and feelings. Because, you know, he has those?”
“Yeah, for ME, because I was his FIANCÉE. Hmph.”
“Whatever.” Nabooru shrugged. “Maybe he’s bi and he’ll end up with Impa’s... son? Nephew? Whatever that Sheikah kid is.”
Impa’s eyes went wide. “I... hope not.”
“Why? Homophobic much?”
“No, I just... don’t... want Sheik to get too.. close to anyone, in any way.”
“Is there something we should know about?”
Unfortunately, at that point, Saria was no longer absorbed in chatting with Navi. And she had tuned into the other Sages’ conversation.
“What’s everyone so mad about? It’s not such a big deal. It’s only kissing.” She paused. “You guys are talking about kissing, right?”
I made as if to say something, though I wasn’t sure what. Anything to distract Saria. But Link cut me off.
“Don’t you dare tell her a damn thing,” he snapped at me. “She’s innocent, okay. Even if Ganondorf is taking everything away from everyone, tearing her away from her happy little forest where everyone’s a kid forever, making her be a Sage. Just let her have this. Please.”
“What?” Saria asked. She turned to him.
“Nothing,” he said.
“Come on. You can tell me.”
“No.”
“I’m a Sage. I’m smart. I’ll understand. You can tell me.”
“No.”
“I was your bestest best friend when you were little. You used to tell me everything, and I never told anyone else. You can tell me.”
“No.”
“Is it because I’m a girl?”
“Not really.”
“Is it because I’m a kid?”
“Basically.”
“No fair!”
“Life’s not fair.”
“Tell meee!”
“No!”
At least, at that moment, it wasn’t my job to nail the metaphorical chu jelly to a tree.